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Mom is right, all the things she said are true
New term: mom-zilla. We know all about temporary bridal insanity, and the underreported groom version, but in some families, it’s the parents who are seized by irrational wedding meltdowns.
Last month, 60-year-old British florist and total mom-zilla, Carolyn Bourne attacked. After her stepson’s bride-to-be, Heidi Withers, was a guest in her house she had a thing or two to teach her before she entered the Bourne family.
So Bourne sent the 29-year-old a soul-crushing email. The subject line: “Your lack of manners.” The bullet points for the bride, in paraphrase: her wedding is going to be tacky, she’s too picky of an eater, her sense of humor sucks, and her stepson is making a dreadful choice in marrying her. And one more thing: her out-of-work parents are cheap.
When Withers received the email (Bourne sent it three times to be sure) she did what anyone would do: she forwarded it to a few friends to share in the shock. What was the alternative —respond with a 'frowny' face? But instead of simply offering advice, some anonymous friend got pro-active and forwarded Bourne’s e-attack, launching a viral sensation in a matter of hours. Now everyone in the Western Hemisphere has laid eyes on Bourne’s email.
In a way, it’s the ultimate revenge on a mother-in-law who needed to be put in her place after such power-mongering. But it’s not going to make for smooth wedding. Bourne has been labeled the mother-in-law from by media outlets and Withers’ father Alan has fueled the fire by publicly calling Bourne “Miss fancy pants." Now parents on both sides of the couple are fueding and nobody's manners are in check. Suggestion for Heidi and Freddie, her groom: elope.
Bourne has told London's Telegraph she still plans to attend the wedding, but will maintain a "dignified silence." She may know about English etiquette but she’s clueless about the cardinal rule of the Internet: never send an email you don’t want the world to see. You almost have to feel bad for the lady, mom-zilla or no. That is, until you read the actual email she sent Withers. Here’s an excerpt:
from: Carolyn Bourne
to: heidi withers
subject: your lack of manners
Here are a few examples of your lack of manners:
When you are a guest in another's house, you do not declare what you will and will not eat - unless you are positively allergic to something.
You do not remark that you do not have enough food.
You do not start before everyone else.
You do not take additional helpings without being invited to by your host.
When a guest in another's house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that rise early - you fall in line with house norms.
You should never ever insult the family you are about to join at any time and most definitely not in public. I gather you passed this off as a joke but the reaction in the pub was one of shock, not laughter.
You regularly draw attention to yourself. Perhaps you should ask yourself why. No one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour.
I understand your parents are unable to contribute very much towards the cost of your wedding. (There is nothing wrong with that except that convention is such that one might presume they would have saved over the years for their daughters' marriages.)
If this is the case, it would be most ladylike and gracious to lower your sights and have a modest wedding as befits both your incomes.
One could be accused of thinking that Heidi Withers must be patting herself on the back for having caught a most eligible young man. I pity Freddie.Ouch. There's no denying it's harsh, but if you've ever been in the line of fire in a wedding party, you know marriage anxieties strike darkness in the hearts of man. What do you think: Is this mom's email forgivable?
I think this is not that bad of an email.....I've seen much worse....
Whatcha think?
Mom is right, all the things she said are true
big deal... it's mostly just etiquette advice...
The fact she would air out an email of her future husband's mother to the entire world kind of suggests she IS a .
Who ing cares. I hope they all die a slow, public death in a grease fire.
One of her friends leaked it out, but yeah, she was a for forwarding it to her group of friends instead of taking the advice to heart and maybe learning a thing or two.
Damn. Imagine the life that poor SOB Freddie has to look forward to!
What's she look like?
True.When you are a guest in another's house, you do not declare what you will and will not eat - unless you are positively allergic to something.
True again.You do not remark that you do not have enough food.
And again.You do not start before everyone else.
Holy crap, so true.When a guest in another's house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that rise early - you fall in line with house norms.
The girl must be stupid.You should never ever insult the family you are about to join at any time and most definitely not in public.
And an attention .No one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour.
Exactly goddam right.If this is the case, it would be most ladylike and gracious to lower your sights and have a modest wedding as befits both your incomes.
So do I. In a couple of years he'll figure out what a spoiled brat he married and she'll manage to take everything in the divorce.I pity Freddie.
Mishandled by both parties, I'd say. I wouldn't have put it like that if I were the mom, nor would I have sent an e-mail. I would have had a nice sit-down chat with her or the son. Same with the bride-to-be, she should have talked it over with the mom and the son instead of forwarding it to people who have no business.
As for the rules themselves, I think they are pretty reasonable except the first one; I think if guests follow a diet for religion or for ethics, they should be treated with respect as well.
No . For someone who wants to teach etiquette maybe she needs to grow a spine and not use a ing email to basically tear someone down.
As for the rules, I think that SOME are reasonable but I think some are none of the step mother's business. Its not her wedding and unless she's paying for it she needs to STFU about where its at. I agree that a big wedding in a castle is way over the top but thats a call for the bride and groom not some meddling mother in law. She wants to talk about bad manners but wants to meddle?
Bride seems like she has some tendencies that suck but MIL seems like a controlling .
I thought the implication was that the MIL was contributing a significant portion based on what she said about the bride's parents not contributing much - but could've interpreted that wrong.
Anyways I do agree emails and her confrontational tone wasn't the best route, but making youre mother's email going viral ain't too bright either
Plus I can guarantee that if the rules she set out weren't being followed by the bride, I can gurarantee the groom already has a serious case of pussywhipitis.
This is true - but it's been my experience that whether it's religion or veganism or whatever, it's proper etiquette to inform your guest in advance.
Apparently some parts of that letter are left out above. Mainly :
That might explain why she talks about what she can/can't eat which is pretty ing valid, IMO. Also its pretty damn cold when your future MIL says that its unfortunate your fiance fell in love with you. Thats not trying to help anyone. Thats just being a spiteful .It is tragic that you have diabetes. However, you aren’t the only young person in the world who is a diabetic.
I know quite a few young people who have this condition, one of whom is getting married in June. I have never heard her discuss her condition. She quietly gets on with it. She doesn’t like being diabetic. Who would? You do not need to regale everyone with the details of your condition or use it as an excuse to draw attention to yourself. It is vulgar.
As a diabetic of long standing you must be acutely aware of the need to prepare yourself for extraordinary eventualities, the walk to Mothecombe beach being an example. You are experienced enough to have prepared yourself appropriately.
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2...ughter-in-law/
Apparently some parts of that letter are left out above. Mainly :
That might explain why she talks about what she can/can't eat which is pretty ing valid, IMO. Also its pretty damn cold when your future MIL says that its unfortunate your fiance fell in love with you. Thats not trying to help anyone. Thats just being a spiteful .It is tragic that you have diabetes. However, you aren’t the only young person in the world who is a diabetic.
I know quite a few young people who have this condition, one of whom is getting married in June. I have never heard her discuss her condition. She quietly gets on with it. She doesn’t like being diabetic. Who would? You do not need to regale everyone with the details of your condition or use it as an excuse to draw attention to yourself. It is vulgar.
As a diabetic of long standing you must be acutely aware of the need to prepare yourself for extraordinary eventualities, the walk to Mothecombe beach being an example. You are experienced enough to have prepared yourself appropriately.
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2...ughter-in-law/
Full email is brutal.
Cold.It is high time someone explained to you about good manners. Yours are obvious by their absence and I feel sorry for you.
Unfortunately for Freddie, he has fallen in love with you and Freddie being Freddie, I gather it is not easy to reason with him or yet encourage him to consider how he might be able to help you.
It may just be possible to get through to you though. I do hope so.
Your behaviour on your visit to Devon during April was staggering in its uncouthness and lack of grace.
Unfortunately, this was not the first example of bad manners I have experienced from you.
If you want to be accepted by the wider Bourne family I suggest you take some guidance from experts with utmost haste.
There are plenty of finishing schools around. You would be an ideal candidate for the Ladette to Lady television series.
Please, for your own good, for Freddie's sake and for your future involvement with the Bourne family, do something as soon as possible.
Here are a few examples of your lack of manners:
When you are a guest in another's house, you do not declare what you will and will not eat - unless you are positively allergic to something.
You do not remark that you do not have enough food.
You do not start before everyone else.
You do not take additional helpings without being invited to by your host.
When a guest in another's house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that rise early - you fall in line with house norms.
You should never ever insult the family you are about to join at any time and most definitely not in public. I gather you passed this off as a joke but the reaction in the pub was one of shock, not laughter.
I have no idea whether you wrote to thank [your future sister-in-law] for the weekend but you should have hand-written a card to her.
You should have hand-written a card to me. You have never written to thank me when you have stayed at Houndspool.
[Your future sister-in-law] has quite the most exquisite manners of anyone I have ever come across. You would do well to follow her example.
You regularly draw attention to yourself. Perhaps you should ask yourself why.
It is tragic that you have diabetes. However, you aren't the only young person in the world who is a diabetic.
I know quite a few young people who have this condition, one of whom is getting married in June. I have never heard her discuss her condition.
She quietly gets on with it. She doesn't like being diabetic. Who would? You do not need to regale everyone with the details of your condition or use it as an excuse to draw attention to yourself. It is vulgar.
As a diabetic of long standing you must be acutely aware of the need to prepare yourself for extraordinary eventualities, the walk to Mothecombe beach being an example.
You are experienced enough to have prepared yourself appropriately.
No-one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour.
I understand your parents are unable to contribute very much towards the cost of your wedding. (There is nothing wrong with that except that convention is such that one might presume they would have saved over the years for their daughters' marriages.)
If this is the case, it would be most ladylike and gracious to lower your sights and have a modest wedding as befits both your incomes.
One could be accused of thinking that Heidi Withers must be patting herself on the back for having caught a most eligible young man. I pity Freddie.
http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/UK-...01106416021513
Im siding with the MIL on this one. May be cold and brutal but tough love is what usually makes people realize things. She is diabetic and wants to spend a lot of money on her wedding? A Castle? LOL..
If her medical insurance is top notch then by all means, go have a lavish wedding. I work with diabetics everyday and I see how expensive their test kits and medications are. She should be saving.
saying that you pity someone because they fell in love with you is not tough love. What the ?
Ttiwwp
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