http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index.php?id=P232

London Olympics officials have followed up their surprise bludgeoning of the French Olympics bid with the announcement of new, British-centred events at the East London games in 2012. The new compe ions are said to include the following:

Olympic Urban Soap Opera
An EastEnders Stadium event where the most demoralising, misanthropic storyline with gangland shootings, Christmas traumas and teenage pregnancy clinches the gold.

Olympic Marathon Relay Binge Drinking
In which teams compete to become hopelessly drunk and antagonistic over a period of several hours. The winner is the first compe or to be found under a Westcountry bench wearing nothing but a piss-stained blazer and a traffic cone.

Olympic Losing
A gold medal for the compe or who most heroically fails to live up to their early promise and nose-dives into oblivion from the jaws of success.