Jack Handy's Deep Thoughts tied to some social issues of the day

[Ocotillo]

The Environment: People need to realize that every time they talk about how "fragile" our planet is, it's just like asking outer space aliens to come invade us.

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Health Care: The next time you go to the doctor, go ahead and bring in a stool sample. They might need it. Better go ahead and bring some for the dentist, too.

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Donald Rumsfeld's military: I think that a hat that has a little cannon that fires then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.

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Sex Education: I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.

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Christian Values: I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.

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Evolution: It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars.

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International Diplomacy: In some countries, what I did would be considered polite, especially Fartland.

[jman3000]

Sex Education: I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.

[50 cent]

I actually know the real Jack Handy. He lives in NYC and is a pretty cool guy.

[SWC Bonfire]

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

If God dwells in all of us as some believe, I hope he likes enchiladas because that's what he's getting.

I don't think the dove should be the international symbol for peace. It should be the pillow. Why? For starters it has more feathers and doesn't have that dangerous beak.