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There's about 50 people on SpursTalk who could have written something funnier than that.
Devean George: The untold story
By DJ Gallo
Page 2
Wednesday afternoon.
Dallas Mavericks team offices.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2...4&sportCat=nba
A knock on general manager Donn Nelson's office door.
Donn Nelson: Come in.
[Devean George enters.]
Nelson: Hi, Devean. So are you ready to be a Net? We sure do appreciate the time you've spent here in Dallas.
George: Yeah, about that. I hate to mess things up for you, but I'm not going to New Jersey. I'm invoking my no-trade clause.
Nelson: Ha! Good one. A no-trade clause given to Devean George. Very funny. Like no-trade clauses are given to average, run-of-the-mill players. Good one, Devean. We're going to miss your sense of humor around here. I don't think Jason Kidd is a cut-up like you.
George: No, really. I have a no-trade clause. Check my contract.
[Tosses contract onto Nelson's desk.]
Nelson: Sweet mercy! You do have a no-trade clause! How did this happen?
George: I think it was a typo. Probably something left in the contract template from an offer you made to a good player. But it doesn't matter. It's there. And I'm killing the trade.
Nelson: But why?! Why would you do that to us? You can get your 12 minutes off the bench anywhere. We were getting Jason Kidd! We were finally going to win a championship!
George: You can win a championship with me. I can do everything Jason Kidd does.
Nelson: Oh, really? Jason Kidd is a surefire Hall of Famer. You are a spot starter.
George: I can rebound.
Nelson: Jason Kidd can rebound better.
George: I am unselfish.
Nelson: Jason Kidd is one of the most unselfish players ever.
George: I can shoot 3s.
Nelson: Jason Kidd can … look, we have enough players who can shoot 3s. Come on, this is ridiculous. What is the real reason you are sabotaging us? Why won't you go to New Jersey?
George: I don't want to uproot my family. We set down roots here in Dallas.
Nelson: Well, that is a fair concern. I can understand that. Wait … you aren't married. You don't have any kids.
George: Crap. I thought you would buy that one.
[Another knock at the door.]
Nelson: Come in.
[Mark Cuban comes into the room dancing the cha-cha, a lively dance of excitement.]
Mark Cuban: Hey, dudes! Whaaaazzzzz-up!
[Cuban gives awkward high-fives to George and Nelson while continuing to cha-cha around the room.]
Cuban: Is this trade going to be awesome or what, dawgs? Jason Kidd, baby!
Nelson: Yeah, about that. Devean is invoking his no-trade clause. The deal is dead.
Cuban: WHAT?!
[Cuban stops dancing for a moment. And then suddenly begins dancing the paso doble -- an angry, aggressive dance.]
George: Yeah. Sorry, Mr. Cuban. But I want to stay here.
Cuban: How dare you cross me! Do you know what I do to people who cross me?! Do you know what I did to Donald Trump?
George: What? What did you do to Donald Trump?
Cuban: Well … I, um … well, I wrote a very cutting blog post about him, that's what. And I'm going to do the same to you.
[Cuban paso dobles over to Nelson's computer, sits down, and begins typing a blog entry about George.]
Nelson: Oh, man. This is getting bad. We need something to lighten the mood. Where's Avery?
[Another knock on the door.]
Nelson: Come in. Avery! I was just talking about you. I was hoping you could lighten the mood in here a bit. Talk to me.
Avery Johnson: Talk to you about what? I don't feel like lightening the mood. I have a splitting headache and I just found out that my great aunt Sally is in the hospital with the gout.
Nelson: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Stop! Stop it! You're killing me! The sound of your voice gets me every time, Avery. Thank you. You're the best. I needed that.
OK. Now, Devean. Let's get back on track. What is the real reason you are killing this trade?
Cuban: And that's that! All done, Devean George. You have totally been dissed on my blog. I hope you are happy with yourself. And you're out of luck if you ever hope to be interviewed or profiled on HDNet. Sucks to be you. R-O-T-F-L-M-A-O!
George: Did you just say "R-O-T-F-L-M-A-O"?
Cuban: Yes. L-O-L.
George: Jeez, you are such a dork.
[Cuban creepily stares George down. He then turns and quicksteps out of the room, taking Avery Johnson as his partner.]
[Another knock at the door.]
Nelson: Yes. Come in.
Dirk Nowitzki: Hallo.
Nelson: o, Dirk.
George: Hi, Dirk.
Nowitzki: Devean, I am happy that Jason Kidd is coming to Dallas. But I am sorry to see you go. I have made you a mix tape of David Hasselhoff love ballads. They express what I feel toward you. I hope you enjoy it. Here you go.
[Nowitzki hands mix tape to George.]
Nelson: Dirk, bad news. Devean here has nixed the trade. He has a no-trade clause.
Nowitzki: [Loud cursing in German.] No! This can't be! Jason Kidd and I were going to be playoff magic. He would draw the double-team and then feed me the ball for wide-open, fall-away jumpers at the top of the key. [More loud cursing in German.]
Devean! Give me back my Hasselhoff mix tape! You don't deserve it!
[Nowitzki rips the Hasselhoff tape away from George and clutches it to his heart.]
Nelson: Dirk, just calm down a minute. Are you angry at Devean right now?
Nowitzki: Yes.
Nelson: Do you hate him even?
Nowitzki: Yes.
Nelson: Then give him the Hasselhoff tape. He definitely deserves it.
[Nowitzki gives the tape back to George and leaves the room, muttering, "Auf Wiedersehen."]
Nelson: OK, Devean. We are finally alone again. Now tell me the real reason you are killing this Jason Kidd trade.
[A cell phone rings.]
George: Excuse me. I have to take this.
[George whispers into the phone: "Yeah, I'm here with him now. Just a minute." And then hands the cell phone to Nelson.]
Here, it's for you anyway.
Nelson: Umm … o? Who is this?
Mitch Kupchak: It's Mitch Kupchak. Sorry to hear your Jason Kidd trade fell through.
Nelson: Wait … how did you know about that already?
Kupchak: Oh, I knew before you did, Donn. Remember who you signed Devean away from two years ago?
Nelson: Yeah, you guys -- the Lakers.
Kupchak: Exactly. He signed with you, but he is still working as an operative for us. Enjoy watching us destroy you in the playoffs with Kobe and Gasol while Jason Kidd rots away in New Jersey! Bwaah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Bwaah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Nelson: Noooooooo! Kupchaaaaaaaaaak!
There's about 50 people on SpursTalk who could have written something funnier than that.
R-O-T-F-L-M-A-O!
Mark Cuban dancing jokes, Jason Kidd can't shoot jokes, and Hasselhoff jokes. Way to go with something nobody would see coming from 50 miles awayThis makes Saturday Night Live look interesting.
Fail.
His Patriots article was better.
I'm lol'ing harder at my roommate who is whiter than me listening to the most hardcore rap I've ever heard in my life right now.
And I thought I wanted to kill myself in December because of drug and credit problems. This is ing torture.
I was about to re-write this scenario as a parody of The Departed but I don't feel like it right now.
The mistaken assumption that George has a no-trade clause in his contract is rampant. So if you read that from a writer you know he isn't a very good journalist.
Seriously this is probably the first day in my life I've actually wanted to go to work.
Awful. Especially the end. About as unpredictable as Sesame Street.
This is the only part where I managed a grin:
[Cuban stops dancing for a moment. And then suddenly begins dancing the paso doble -- an angry, aggressive dance.]
But thanks for posting all the same. It's a reminder to all of us who dream of working in a creative field that even those of us with barely passable senses of humor and 8th-grade writing skills still have the hope that we could someday work for ESPN's Page 2.
LOL
Very funny. Jason Kidd can.. wait we have enough players who can shoot threes.
On a scale from 1 to 10:
1 for humor
0 for originality
Who pissed in everyones cheerios.
Let's see if I was one of them
(Donnie Nelson's Office. Donnie is seated behind his desk wearing a party hat, humming "Happy Days Are Here Again." Devean George enters.)
Devean: Mr. Nelson, can I talk to you for a second?
Donnie: Sure what's up, Mr....uh...don't tell me, it'll come to me...umm...
Devean: George. Devean George.
Donnie: I feel like I should know that name...oh ! The trade! I knew I forgot to tell someone. I won't lie to you, when I found out we were getting Jason Kidd I celebrated with a couple of margaritas. The pitcher's still half full, you want some?
Devean: I don't think I should be drinking when we have a game tonight.
Donnie: HA! Good one. We're going to miss that sense of humor around here. Although I hear Kidd and his wife are pretty funny too. They do these skits where they pretend to hate each other. When I was talking to him he kept saying things like how he wanted to get out of there before he had to gut the . He did it all deadpan, like he was really serious. I swear I could barely get through negotiations because I was laughing so hard.
Devean: Actually sir, I really need to talk to you about this trade. (Pulls a copy of his contract from his pocket and places it in front of Nelson) Take a look at page 3, paragraph 4.
Donnie: Oh .
Devean: So as you can see...
Donnie: That's how you spell your first name? ! We printed it as "D-e-v-i-n" in the trade paperwork. God dammit!
Devean: That's not what's important, sir, I'm not...
Donnie: The it isn't important! The league is such a pain in the ass about the details on these things, and do have any idea what its going to cost at the copy place to print up all the new paperwork on a rush job? God, I can hear Cuban ing already about the cost. You know, back when my dad was running this show Mark would spend like a drunken sailor at a house, but now he's such a tightwad. He's all, "Luxury cap" this, and "Waive Michael Finley" that. Look I hate to cut this meeting short, but I need to call Kinko's.
Devean: LISTEN YOU STUPID BAS ! READ MY DAMN CONTRACT! I HAVE A NO TRADE CLAUSE AND I ALREADY TOLD THE PRESS I'M EXERCISING IT!!!!
Donnie: Huh?
Devean: I've been trying to explain since I walked through the door.
Donnie: Huh?
Devean: It's right there in the contract. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I wore my Lakers ring to the negotiation table. After about 20 minutes you just started staring blankly at it and nodded along to everything I asked for. See for yourself.
(Nelson staps out of the haze and picks up the contract. He scans the contract, reading items to himself): No trade clause...Golden Girls DVDs...a pony...what the? Does Dirk really have to dress up like a clown for your birthday party?
Devean: Yeah, it's pretty funny too.
Donnie: Wait a sec, you asked for a trade a few weeks ago, didn't you?
Devean: Well yeah, but I was kinda hoping I'd get traded to a contender. If that won't happen, I'm going to protect my Bird rights and watch my own ass.
Donnie: you! We are a contender!
Devean: After what happened last year?
Donnie: What do you mean? We finally broke through, and beat the Spurs. Sure we lost to Miami, but we can get right back there.
Devean: Don, that was 06, we lost to the Warriors in the first round. You didn't watch? , your dad didn't tell you?
Donnie: I didn't talk to him till like July! And I had so much stuff Tivo'ed and I didn't want to erase it. When he got a hold of me he said something about Utah, but he called in the middle of the House finale. If I'd have know that I would have traded or something. , the first round? What happened?
Devean: AJ went small, benched Damp.
Donnie: What the ? ! And the dumb ass he replaced Eric with couldn't manage to get it done?
Devean: Um, nope. I'm with you Donnie, starting Stackhouse was a terrible idea.
(Stackhouse, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and carrying luggage steps into the office)
Stack: My ears are burning. Ha ha! See you in a month Donnie. Don't forget to write, Devean!
Donnie: Um, Jerry, about that...you see, Devean has a no trade clause and...
Stack: What? that! You promised me Donnie! These tickets are non-refundable, dammit! Guess what? I think I just got injured for another few weeks. Assholes! (Drops his suitcase on George's foot and storms out.)
Donnie: Back to business, Devean you could be a champion in New Jersey.
Devean: Are you serious? The Nets aren't winning anytime soon.
Donnie: Well no, not the Nets, but the Giants play their games in Jersey. A few phone calls and I could get you a work out with them. I can feel it in my bones, they are poised for a repeat.
(A loud ruckus is heard outside. It grows louder until Mark Cuban, riding Dirk piggyback, both drunk and shirtless, come bounding through the door chanting "We're #1! We're #1" Cuban hops off Dirk's back and gives a Nelson a huge, sloppy hug before noticing that Devean George is in the office)
Cuban: Devick! Good ta see ya! Joo get da going away giffs?
Devean: If you mean the coach class ticket you nailed to my door after having my locks changed, then yes.
Dirk: Dirk und Kidd ist der champions!!!!
Devean: I'm not going anywhere.
(Dirk and Cuban both look incredulously at Nelson, who solemnly nods, signaling its truth.)
Cuban: Devean, what if I said a certain seven foot clown would make a special trip to the east coast once a year?
Dirk: Nein!
(Cuban leaps up, grabs Dirk's ear and pulls him down.)
Cuban: (whispering) You'll do what you're told or "Dirk Does Dallas" is getting onto the internet.
Dirk: You said there wasn't any film in that camera!!!
Cuban: Well, sucks to be you. (To Devean) Do we have a deal?
Devean: Let me start tonight and I'll tell everyone I changed my mind tomorrow.
THE END
Success!
DJ Gallo is about to learn where the unemployment line is.
Yeah, I like yours better!
Mine...
A knock on general manager Donn Nelson's office door.
Donn Nelson: Come in.
[Devean George enters.]
Nelson: Hi, Devean. Thank God we traded for Jason Kidd. We've been so ing soft this year.
Devean: Yeah but this sucks for me because I don't think I'll be playing in the NBA after this season and the Nets suck.
Nelson: Yeah they do suck hard. Oh well, guess you're out of luck.
Devean: Man, you this sucks. I'm blocking this .
Nelson: Shut the up and stop being a . Go to the Nets and take the money you don't even earn anyway.
Devean: You're right. Can I at least wait a little while longer to piss off those ing Mavs fans some more?
Nelson: Fine. Now get out.
The End
Don't be so dismissive. More like 500. How come "DJ Gallo" whoever the that is, doesn't know what Bird rights are?
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