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NFL Investigating Patriots’ 3-4-7 Defense
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is reportedly set to levy another punishment against Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots today after determining that Belichick’s vaunted 3-4 defense is actually a somewhat unfair 3-4-7 defense.
“Coach Belichick has long tried to play games with information, like how he always is very misleading with New England’s weekly injury reports,” said a source in the NFL office. “Well now it seems he called his defense the ‘3-4’ because he didn’t want people to know it’s full name: the ‘3-4-7.’”
Armed with an extra three defenders at all times, Belichick’s Patriots have consistently had one of the NFL’s top defenses during the team’s run of success. But now that success appears to be tainted.
Belichick says his 3-4-7 was a result of a different interpretation of the rule limiting the number of players on the field to 11.
“It was a misinterpretation, simple as that,” said Belichick. “And if that seems like a ridiculous explanation or if you have any further questions on this matter, I kindly encourage you to go f—k yourself.”
Many Patriots fans, players and apologists say criticism of the 14-man 3-4-7 defense is nothing but jealousy from fans of other teams.
“At the end of the day, no matter how many guys you have on the field, someone still has to make the tackle,” said team owner Robert Kraft. “To say that this tarnishes our championships is ridiculous. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get 14 men functioning as a cohesive unit out on the field. It’s much harder than doing it with 11, I’ll tell you that. And that’ s part of what makes Bill such a great coach, in cheating he actually is creating greater challenges for himself to overcome. I mean, do you have any idea the organization that goes into filming other team’s signals while at the same time making sure you have all 14 guys on the field?”
Many have asked how long Belichick has been using the 3-4-7 and why it wasn’t caught earlier.
“I know there were several times I counted 14 players on the field,” said veteran official Ed Hochuli. “But I never called them on it. I just assumed it was my mind playing tricks on me. That I was unable to process the manly, superhuman strength of Tedy Bruschi, so my brain broke him up into four different en ies.”
