Live from New York...

[Brett Favre]

Aaron Rodgers and the Packers. I'm taking the Jets to the Super Bowl. Tom Brady? Overrated. Peyton Manning? He wishes he could live on the same block as me and all of my quarterback records. Ben Roethlisberger? Just another member of the Trent Dilfer One Hit Wonder Fanclub.

I now own the AFC East, the entire AFC Conference, the entire god damned NFL. Those gots in Green Bay tried to buy me off and keep me retired, well them. I'm going to beat that little gobbler Ted Thompson to death with the Lombardi trophy come February. And then I'm going to Mike McCarthy in his eye holes while I make him call me Mr. Super Bowl MVP.

Peace out, yall. I got a press conference to go dominate. Get used to hearing about that. Brett Favre and dominating are like french fries and Heinz tomato ketchup. I'm going to own New York harder than King Kong.

Love,

Broadway Brett

[Eli Manning]

You do realize that I have more Super Bowl MVP awards than you, right? And I had no problem putting my team in field position to win that NFC Championship last year while you choked and threw the damn ball to a guy on my team?

Eat . You're not even the best QB in New York.

[Tom Brady]

Brett,

I got respect for you, but let's not make this personal. Let's just face the facts here. Your old team couldn't steal Randy Moss from me, and the reason is simple. I'm younger, hotter, a better QB, and have a bigger than you. When your wife goes to "visit her sister," you don't really believe her do you? I give your wife a better ride than Space Mountain, man. Ask her how it feels to be ed with someone with a twice your size in both directions.

As for Randy... dude I'm Tom ing Brady. I have more hot naked girls hanging out at my house than a Swedish nude beach. Do the math. It's not 1995 anymore old man. It's 2008, and I own this league, and your wife.

Deal with it. Now that you're in New York you can go seek anger management therapy with Jack Nicholson. See you in week 2 man. Tell you what, I'll buy you a round of whatever you want and I'll bring you these Italian triplets that I know. They can do they most amazing things with their mouths, you won't believe it till you feel it.

Bros before hos man,

Tom