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too long ....
but some people match up better and possibly her vag is tighter than the other friend
No, not me. Read on....do you agree with this advice?
Q. I have a good friend of eight years. She is married with a child. Her ex-boyfriend came to town. (They were engaged briefly.) He and I ended up hanging out all weekend and had a blast together. I informed my friend that I had feelings for him, figuring she would want me to be happy and it would not be a problem since she has moved on. Instead, she said I disrespected our friendship.
He and I are now dating seriously and talking about marriage. He is the love of my life. But I miss my friend dearly. I realize I made the decision and ultimately sacrificed my friendship with her because of him, but I still want to be friends with her. Should I try to reconnect with her or should I just say goodbye and realize she was not a true friend after all?
A. If it’s worth it to you, try reconnecting. But be prepared for it not to work.
People can be very territorial about past relationships, “laying claim” to a boyfriend or girlfriend, especially if they knew that person first.
In a middle-school setting, or even a high-school setting, there is sometimes an unwritten rule that if a girl has gone out with a boy, once they break up, he is off limits for any other girl in the class. This idea — that if he was once mine he is forever mine, and a friend won’t take what’s mine — is quite immature.
To be fair, most people know the awful feeling of breaking up and hoping that their former paramour doesn’t find somebody else. Or, if he does, they hope he secretly continues to pine for them. Only if someone feels guilty after having blown someone off is that person glad and relieved when their ex finds someone else!
Your friend might not be deliriously happy in her marriage. She might wonder, “What is wrong with me that I couldn’t make it work out? What does she have that I don’t have, that he likes better?”
Maybe this ex-boyfriend has a good quality her husband doesn’t have, like better looks or a better job, and this very positive quality keeps alive the fantasy that she can sort of “keep” him. In some ways, it feels to her that you have “taken” something from her.
She might also feel, “My friend can be happy as long as her happiness doesn’t detract from mine.” This is another immature feeling, but it’s common in not very intimate or evolved friendships. In other words, she is glad to be your friend, as long as nothing too good happens to you and makes her feel vanquished in some way.
At this point, it sounds that you are in the delicious throes of wonderful new love, while your friend has settled into a routine of marriage and family life. (Also wonderful, I might add, but without the giddy highs!) This crosses out her enjoyment of the fantasy that she could have married her ex and her life would have turned out better, happier and more fulfilled.
I suggest you be realistic about what the friendship is and what it provided you in the first place. Was this someone you could talk forthrightly with, sharing other successes of yours? Or did she prefer it when things were not going well for you? If she was only a fair-weather friend, maybe you are not losing much without her in your life.
If you feel guilty about “taking” her ex-boyfriend, ask yourself why. Do you in fact think you did in some way steal something that was hers? Did you badmouth him in the past when they were breaking up, and now find yourself praising him to the skies? Do you talk about him endlessly? Is your own behavior somehow rubbing it in her face that she failed with this ex-boyfriend while you succeeded?
There is little downside to approaching her and acknowledging that this bothers her, but that you hope she can be happy for you. If this man were not your boyfriend, he would likely be someone else’s. Thank her for introducing you. Be kind, and give her a chance to come around. She might or might not.
Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: Friends can harbor jealous feelings when other friends fall in love or get along better than they “should.”
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too long ....
but some people match up better and possibly her vag is tighter than the other friend
Id say that friendship is pretty much ed. Id be pretty pissed about it too, out of all the guys in the world you had to settle for someone whom you thought of as a good friends ex boyfriend? This is where class comes into play and your glass appears to be half empty.
Invite her for a three way to allow everyone to reconnect. If she says no then she was never really a friend.
This is typical women behavoir. Selfish self absorbed mentality is the staple for any greedy . Then greedy still wants her friend. What an unbelievable selfish .
YOU DON'T YOUR FRIENDS EX'S. Its a rule and it shouldn't be broken unless you're willing to never be friends with that person again.
And with that, the end.
My best friend and I have been friends for over 30 years because we both implicitly agreed that neither of us will/would EVER, and I mean NEVER ... be involved in any way, shape or form, with one another's ex's. Whether a one night stand or a single date. NEVER.
Most things you shouldn't have to choose between one or the other, but that's just too personal. She broke the bond.
Are you still friends with her? Did she use her accident forgiveness card?My best friend and I have been friends for over 30 years because we both implicitly agreed that neither of us will/would EVER, and I mean NEVER ... be involved in any way, shape or form, with one another's ex's. Whether a one night stand or a single date. NEVER.
Most things you shouldn't have to choose between one or the other, but that's just too personal. She broke the bond.
Friendhip smendship...there will be other friends. Move on!!
your loyalty is amazing
I'd never do that to a homie, it's just wrong. Cause I know if someone did this to me, I'd probably go after him.
It ain't no fun if the homies can't have none
Oh, MY friend didn't break the bond ... the chick in the advice column did.
So yes, my friend and I are still BFF's.
Oh, MY friend didn't break the bond ... the chick in the advice column did.
So yes, my friend and I are still BFF's.
yes.
Last edited by Ed Helicopter Jones; 10-27-2008 at 04:38 PM. Reason: Take my great advice before I remove it...learn it, live it...
she's married now.......time to move on
Huh? So I'm supposed to give up what could be the love of my life because I may hurt my friends' feelings? What about their loyalty to MY feelings?
I would think the only time it's wrong to hook up with your friend's ex is if you're intentionally doing it to piss them off or get back at them for something. And if that's the case then you probably also have no remorse about losing a friend.
If the feelings were already there and then their ex is back on the market, there's really nothing wrong with it. I'm sure everyone wants to bag their friend's girlfriends/boyfriends. Some of my friends have hot girlfriends that I wouldn't mind formally introducing to the back seat of my car should their relationship tragically end at some point in the future.
Sure why not just have no boundries. it maybe your in love with their wife next time not a girlfriend. Help yourself because its all about you and nothing about being a good friend or better person.
Uh, aren't you supposed to ask your friend before dating/banging an ex?
I'd rather be by myself than do like that. What ever happened to trust, respect and code?
Bros before hoes.
Unless she's really ing hot.
The issue here is simply When Harry Met Sally Syndrome. Men and women can't be friends without both of them thinking about sleeping with the other one unless one of them is a sexual....and even in that case the heterosexual party is still wishing the other person wasn't gay so they could them. Trying to avoid this is like telling people not to drink water every day, like telling rich people to spend their money instead of stuff it in their mattress, like telling mouse to get a real job, etc.
What's even weirder is that friends will try to set their friends up with people they know because they think they're a good match, but if they end up being more compatible with their ex then it's World War ing 3.
I see, so then it is all about my friend only? As a good friend should they not also want me to be happy? Are they only thinking about themselves because they don't want me to date their ex? Is that not a selfish act? "If I can't be happy with that person then neither can you!"?
I understand it could end the friendship but if the friendship was truly that strong then they should be able to work it out but somethings do come between friends. Not all friendships are meant to last forever...nor are relationships for that matter.
Life is not perfect.
First of all its highly unlikely that you would know if you were in love with her in the first place. Lust maybe not love. In your defense I would have no problem if you went to your friend and asked for his blessing. However that could be loaded and furthermore I would probably find it offensive.
The point is that most breakups aren't peaceful there are hurt feelings and its typically an emotional process. If your friend is a good one and you two are close why would you want to bring an obviously hurtful situation into his life on a permanent basis. You don't do your friends that way any more than you would your own brother or sister.
Would you hook up with your brothers ex or your fathers ex? Do you simply not drawn a line when pussy is envolved. Maybe some people can easily get over but most can't and the last thing they want is a constant reminder of a lost love or hard breakup. Especially when it envolves the very people that supposed to be your strongest allies and support group.
You shouldn't have to turn to your friends and find a reminder of hard times. What an enormous violation of trust.
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