...
So, I was wondering how to play the Pan flute. I mean, the Incas and the Mayans have told me that playing it properly can release my hidden talents. *gets a beer* Further more, I woke up in Las Vegas. The flute actually transported me there. As I look on the note that was left on my chest, I looked with a smile as it read " your Heart is your own path ". Then I realized, my heart is torn between wanting love and wanting to be single. I had no idea what to do. So, right then and there, I saw the most beautiful woman in the world and I said "Do you wash your pants in Windex...because I can see myself in them". She looked up at me in her blue eyes and said "Allak mu hash am mill a ghanda miru nakka milodon ish a binruru gahannda!!!". Needless to say, the sex went on for hours until she died of a massive stroke. It was the best 6 min I've ever had with a 92 year old Indonesian woman. After seeing her soul leave her body like worms being hit by a truck made out of glazers and animal rage, I took off.
When her final tears touched my Goldbond soaked face, I passed out. I woke up again in side of a snow covered cave. Not quite sure how I even got there, or how I got these new clothes made out of the local animals and or pubic hair of the Gods, I went outside. I was in the village of HugeBoobOpolis. Lucky for me, it was a custom for the men to walk around with massive boners. I almost came every time I bumped into the girls of the town. I was almost cursing the laws of the world, but in this town, consent is at any age. With the warmth in my heart and the bone in my pants, I went to the village leader. She appeared to be a tan woman. A hott piece of ass that looked like Eva Langoria, but with perfect anime boobies and an ass that could go for days. As the Spanish lute music played in the back ground, I looked at the reds and golds of the room. It was rustic like a log cabin, but soft and mysterious like the Egyptian sands around dusk. I asked the woman if she new about my quest or why I found a place to stay. With her cherry sweet lips and that tone of voice that gives you goosebumps, she said " Butter is a weapon of my firetruck. When you came here, we had midget monkey sex with fire and ice. No one could even comprehend the forces of sexual passion that came from the butt sex. It was like giving birth in reverse of my ass." Not even letting those images even come back into my skull, I flipped out. My arm was clearly robotic at this point and I let out a spray of pepper ball bullets and the souls of baby kittens at them. I looked at all the slaves, monkeys, Tina Turner impersonaters, mimes, and professional cotton growers and said "you think you know my soul? YOU ONLY KNOW ONE THING!! APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD!!!!!!!!"
I'll always remember the taste of revenge on my lips, and the sent of Menthol KY jelly in my pants. As I came apon the Great Smokey mountains, my Pan Flute began to cry sounds I've never heard before. It must have been Puerto Rican or something. So, I beat it until it shut its ing mouth. Just like when I baby sit. It was some kind of Palsy. Anyway, thats how I saved Christmas.
I met the master of the Flute. I played it. They were all songs of my journey. Songs like "Sex with the Elderly" "Sex with Hot Girls that I really wish I knew what happened" and finally "The Thong Song". After this, the started to glow (just like Lindsay Lohan) and became a golden Dragon. He looked at me and said "Deal or No Deal?". I said deal. He gave me the greatest gift of them all: Perfect Hair forever.
What the did you just ing say about me, you filthy cop? I’ll have you know I'm a former Navy Intelligence officer who was fired by the LAPD for upholding justice, and I’ve been involved in numerous police shootings since earlier this week, and I have over 3 confirmed kills. I am trained in unconventional and asymmetric warfare and I’m the top Rambo in the entire tri-state area. You are nothing to me but just another dishonest police officer. I will wipe every LAPD officer out and bring you to such justice with Use of Force the likes of which has never been seen within the ranks of the LAPD, mark my words, s . You think you can get away with kicking that poor, defenseless person, and discharging me for reporting it? Think again, er. As we speak I am running through the woods with a satchel full of RDX and my Barret M82 rifle, with my Surface to Air Missiles shortly ahead, so prepare for the Situation. The Situation that will be resolved, effective immediately. Your whole supposed police keeping operation is over, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my . Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the majority of critical Naval defense information with my TS/SCI clearance and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable department off the face of California, you dirty peace officer. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” actions were about to bring down upon you, maybe you wouldn't have fired me. But you drew First Blood, and now you’re paying the price, LAPD. I will revenge all over you and you will drown in it until my name is restored. It's over-because I'm right behind you.
I am 13 years old. I enjoy Halo, Call of Duty, and cursing loudly on team speak when some insults me.
I do not enjoy Pokemon though, because that's a game for girls and little kids.
My first console was the Xbox 360, I do not care what old consoles you used to play, nor do I give a what your "Superior" retro games are.
You're a fossil and a relic of modern video games. You're like that old guy who keeps coming back to the baseball batting cages even though he's far passed his prime and the young, new compe ors out bat him every single time.
You're a dying breed, and I am just the tip of an iceberg. One teen in a sea of others exactly like me.
I am a HARDCORE TEEN GAMER.
What's this you've said to me, my good friend? Ill have you know I graduated top of my class in conflict resolution, and Ive been involved in numerous friendly discussions, and I have over 300 confirmed friends. I am trained in polite discussions and I'm the top mediator in the entire neighborhood. You are worth more to me than just another target. I hope we will come to have a friendship never before seen on this Earth. Don't you think you might be hurting someone's feelings saying that over the internet? Think about it, my friend. As we speak I am contacting my good friends across the USA and your P.O. box is being traced right now so you better prepare for the greeting cards, friend. The greeting cards that help you with your hate. You should look forward to it, friend. I can be anywhere, anytime for you, and I can calm you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my chess set. Not only am I extensively trained in conflict resolution, but I have access to the entire group of my friends and I will use them to their full extent to start our new friendship. If only you could have known what kindness and love your little comment was about to bring you, maybe you would have reached out sooner. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now we get to start a new friendship, you unique person. I will give you gifts and you might have a hard time keeping up. You're finally living, friend.
Someone delete this dumb ass thread. Why the is this in the Spurs forum?
I recently joined a gym at a college nearby my house. I workout on my lunch break at my place of employment, but it’s cutting season and I’ll be doing cardio on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings. I could have ran at the track nearby my apartment, but I would be missing out on all the hot college CARDIO BUNNIES! I knew I would be able to score with em, but it didn’t even take me an hour!
So I head into the gym, wearing a PUMA track suit. First I check out the weights section. Typical. Bunch of shaggy haired Ashley Kutcher look alikes doing some chest and bi’s, hoping to get that beach body for Cancun. Pathetic. One guy got a SPOT for benching 135x1. Amazing. I was going to head over and load up 315 and rep it for 12, but I had bigger fish to fry.
On to the cardio area. There’s 16 treadmills. About 10 were occupied; 7 by HOT college girls, 2 by mediocre girls, and 1 fatty. Oh yeah, and like 3 fat guys. I do some stretching in front of the machines before removing my tearaway pants and jacket. Underneath is a pair of green shorts and a beater. I notice the ladies eyes shifting towards me as I pile on a treadmill. I put on my IPOD, but do not listen to music. (This is a trick of mine; whenever I work out I put my IPOD on because I don’t like to be bothered, but I never play music – I like to listen people compliment me when they don’t think I can hear them). “Look at the veins in his arms!” and “Check out those legs…damn!” were two of the better comments. I ran for 30 minutes and got off, walked to the front of the treadmills and did some stretching. Then I made my move. Lifting up my beater to wipe the sweat off my face, I gave the ladies a shot of the goods. I heard one girl even say “Vicki, Look! LOOK at that!”. Then I hear a loud BOOM. One girl had fallen OFF her treadmill (whether it was because of seeing my body or not I’m unsure, but I’m willing to bet that was the cause). She hit her face on the belt and had a bloody nose. I got the out of there.
I was heading back to my car, satisfied that I had planted the seed for future hookups when I hear some footsteps behind me. “Um…sir” I turn around and see a sexy 5’5” blonde with some nice ta-tas.
Me: Yes?
Hot girl: I saw your body in there, and umm… I was wondering if I could get some advice? I’m headed to South Padre Island for Spring Break and I really want to look good
Me: Step into my office baby, and we’ll see what we can do.
<I unlock the doors to my BMW and she climbs in>
Hot girl: Wow, this is a really nice car.
Me: Yeah, its alright. I auctioned off my Porsche and gave the profit to the tsunami relief fund. I miss that car.
HG: That is so sweet! Oh my god...Are you crying?
Me: <trying to cry fake tears> Yeah well, its just so awful what happened to those people.
<Note: I’ve never donated a PENNY to charity, nor have I owned a porsche>
Me: But we were talking about you. Why don’t you take off that shirt so I can see what we’re working with.
<I thought it would be difficult to talk her into this, but she never hesitated. I surveyed her body saying “mmm, hmmm” and “okay”>
Me: You’re gonna have to take off those pants. I NEED to get a good overall look at you.
HG: Is that really necessary?
Me: Off with the pants, sweetie.
<She takes off her pants, and I notice that “HOTTIE” is printed across the ass. At this point, I know I’m getting some. Girls that wear pants that say “HOTTIE” or “ANGEL” or “BABY” on the pants are HUGE s.>
Me: Well, I’ll tell ya what. I’ll give you my ab routine free of charge.
HG: Really? You’d do that for me?
Me: Yeah I’ll just email it to ya.
HG: That’s so nice of you. How could I ever repay you?
Me: <surveying her body> I can think of one way <I point to my and she goes down>
This girl was a Hoover in’ vac . Obviously a sorority girl, she stops after 25 minutes and says “how long is this gonna take?” (I had slammed my girlfriend at about 4PM so I wasn’t blowing any time soon)
Me: You want the in’ ab routine or not?
<She goes back to doing her job, and about 45 minutes later she gets a serving of protein down her throat>
Me: Alright. I’m out.
<I throw her pants and shirt outside the car. She starts getting dressed.>
HG: Email me that routine, K?
Me: Sure.
HG: When are we gonna hang out again?
Me: Ummm…
HG: Come on, give me your number.
Me: <putting on my avitaor sunglasses> Look baby, you don’t wanna get messed up with me. I’m an outlaw. A rebel.
HG: But, i dont even know your name and--
With that, I peel out into the night. All in a day’s work. All in a day's work.
Last edited by benefactor; 02-19-2013 at 08:50 PM.
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