Matt Bonner is so F-in' tough...

[xellos88330]

When Matt Bonner was a baby, he learned how to play basketball by practicing with a bowling ball.

[stxspurs]

same as the Gist thread

[hater]

Matt Bonner started googlin in 1981

[Manufan909]

* Matt Bonner once used a live rattle snake as a condom.
* Matt Bonner's family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong.
* Matt Bonner's poop is considered currency in some countries.
* I once saw Matt Bonner scissor-kick Angela Lansbury.
* Matt Bonner once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road.
* Matt Bonner hates the Irish! And he's half-Irish! ...And he hates irony!
* The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Matt Bonner... except for the part about planting apple trees.
* Matt Bonner did all the makeup on the Planet of the Apes movies.* Matt Bonner drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
* Matt Bonner orchestrated the merger between UNICEF and Smith & Wesson.
* They say Gene Roddenberry got the idea for Star Trek by listening to Matt Bonner talk in his sleep.
* Did I ever tell you about the time Matt Bonner went hunting? Matt decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machete. They all begged for their lives...except Fleegle.
* We once had a bachelor party for Matt Bonner. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
* Matt Bonner named the group Sha Na Na. They did not want to be called that.
* If you drop a phonograph needle on Matt Bonner's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' Pet Sounds.
* Matt Bonner breastfeeds John Madden!
* Matt Bonner killed Wolfman Jack with a trident.
* Matt Bonner sleeps eight hours a night! Well, he's pretty normal when it comes to that.
* All the Yes album covers are Bonner family photos.

I think those two are particularly genius.

[ehz33satx]

Matt Bonner can bone either one of my sisters anyday! I will even throw in my girlfriend for good measure that way Matt Bonner comes away completely satisfied!

[Manufan909]

Matt Bonner was banned from the UFC and the Kumite so he had to take up Basketball. Which is when his hair turned red from all of the pent up anger and rage.

This was a good one the OP missed.

[Whisky Dog]

Some other good ones from there:

Bonner sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Bonner gets indigestion when he swallows his pride.
If at first you don't succeed, you aren't Matt Bonner.

Matt Bonner went with Tim Duncan to the Virgin Islands. Now they're the Islands.

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

The nickname "Red Rocket" actually began during Matt's first job as a porn star. The term "Money Shot" came from his career as well because Matt Bonner's semen is actually worth well over $3000 per ounce on the black market after the FDA banned it as an illegal performance enhancer.

He was forced out of the business when companies refused to continue insuring any woman who worked with him, citing the high costs of the necessary pelvic reconstructive surgeries the inevitably followed.

[I. Hustle]

*Matt Bonner once gave me a videotape of him having sex with my wife, and it was the most beautiful damn thing I ever saw!
*Matt Bonner speaks with a faint Pig-Latin accent.
*I invited Matt Bonner to my son's baptism. He shows up at the church in his golf pants, caked in mud. Matt pushes the priest aside and says, "I'll baptize that piece of calimari!" Then he pours Scotch all over my baby son and says, "There! You're baptized!"
*Matt Bonner was the one who came up with Manifest Destiny, John L. O'Sullivan. It was Bonner!
*Were you aware that Matt Bonner has 6 toes? Someone tried to cut them off but the toe rose up and killed him. I went to the funeral. Man, even Matt felt sort of bad about that one.
*The phrase "No matter where you go, there you are" is actually
come down through the ages from an old Cherokee phrase that
translates:"No matter where you... , is that Matt Bonner?
AW , RUN!"
*Bonner has never raped a woman. This is because the moment any woman sees Bonner naked all sexual activity from that moment on is considered consensual.
This legal precedence has even been upheld by the Supreme Court in the case of Bonner vs. The Satisfied
*Matt Bonner used to hand draw every frame of 'The Flintstones' in front of a live audience and the voices were produced with his farts. of an organizer that Bonner...
*I punched Matt Bonner in the face, and he cried and begged me to stop bullying him. When I woke up - this was obviously a dream, because nothing so ludicrous could ever happen in real life - Bonner was already standing there, because he can read dreams, and he beat my ass for the next three days. I have to say I deserved it.
*When people at Wendy's tell Matt Bonner to drive to the second window...he doesn't. He sits at the first window and makes Wendy come to him.

I bolded all the good ones.

[DANILO DRASKOVIC]

this was funny...4 years ago

[tp2021]

*I invited Matt Bonner to my son's baptism. He shows up at the church in his golf pants, caked in mud. Matt pushes the priest aside and says, "I'll baptize that piece of calimari!" Then he pours Scotch all over my baby son and says, "There! You're baptized!"

*The phrase "No matter where you go, there you are" is actually
come down through the ages from an old Cherokee phrase that
translates:"No matter where you... , is that Matt Bonner?"

*Bonner has never raped a woman. This is because the moment any woman sees Bonner naked all sexual activity from that moment on is considered consensual.
This legal precedence has even been upheld by the Supreme Court in the case of Bonner vs. The Satisfied
*I punched Matt Bonner in the face, and he cried and begged me to stop bullying him. When I woke up - this was obviously a dream, because nothing so ludicrous could ever happen in real life - Bonner was already standing there, because he can read dreams, and he beat my ass for the next three days. I have to say I deserved it.
*When people at Wendy's tell Matt Bonner to drive to the second window...he doesn't. He sits at the first window and makes Wendy come to him.

[Fingaroll44]

Wilt Chamberlain and Bill Russell went FORWARD in a time machine just to get pointers from Matt Bonner.

[benefactor]

Fail thread.

[Texas_Ranger]

Matt Bonner can touch Mc Hammer.

[nkdlunch]

The nickname "Red Rocket" actually began during Matt's first job as a porn star. The term "Money Shot" came from his career as well because Matt Bonner's semen is actually worth well over $3000 per ounce on the black market after the FDA banned it as an illegal performance enhancer.

I like it when you talk dirty