It was on the internet so it must be true.
if you don't like religious jokes, jump ahead 1 post!
jokes courtesy maxim archive.
Godbless the Pope, and remember, i'm sure on a couple of these our Lord is laughing with us, on the others, yeah, my ticket to might be punched, he forgives all right?
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A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.”
The priest is silent for a moment, then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”
“And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.
“No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that ing smirk off your face.”
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During a sermon, the preacher says to his congregation, “The Bible covers everything. I challenge anyone to name a subject I can’t find in the Good Book.”
A woman in a back pew raises her hand and asks, “What about PMS?”
Caught by surprise, the preacher nervously thumbs through the Bible before exclaiming, “Oh, here it is: ‘And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem.’”
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oldie, but goodie....
Immediately after mass one Sunday morning, a man stops to shake the preacher’s hand.
“That was a goddamned fine sermon you gave today,” the man tells the preacher. “Goddamned fine!”
“Thank you, sir,” the preacher answers, “but I’d rather you didn’t use that kind of foul, blasphemous language in the Lord’s house.”
“You know, I was so goddamned impressed with that ing sermon that I put $5,000 in the goddamned offering plate!” says the man.
“No ?” says the preacher.
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Jeff and Mike were killed in an accident. Jeff arrives at the Pearly Gates, and is met by St. Peter.
“Where is my friend Mike?” Jeff asks.
St. Peter replies, “Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven.”
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, “Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?”
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.
“I don’t mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in ,” says Jeff.
“It’s not as it appears to be,” says St. Peter. “You see, the keg has a hole in it and the blonde doesn’t.”
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The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the good news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.After some thought, the pope stated, “I agree, but under four conditions.”
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all ofthe noise there arose a single voice that asked, “And what are the four conditions?” The room stilled. There was a long pause…
The pope replied, “First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. Third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with whom she is having sex, she can tell no one.”
After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?”
“Big s.”
Godbless the Pope.
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The Pope is on a goodwill tour in New York. As he’s waving to the crowd, he sees a young boy puffing on a cigarette.
“You’re far too young to be smoking, my son,” says the Pope.
“ you,” replies the boy.
“I beg your pardon,” says the Pope. “Do you know who I am? I’m the head of the entire Roman Catholic Church, the spiritual leader for millions of people, and the representative of God himself. No, no, no, kid. you!”
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Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day, when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, “Convert to Catholicism and get $10.“
One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, “Murray, what’s going on?”
“Abe,” replies Murray, “I’m thinking of doing it.”
Abe says, “What are you, crazy?”
Murray thinks for a minute and says, “Abe, I’m going to do it.”
With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.
“So,” asks Abe, “did you get your ten dollars?”
Murray looks up at him and says, “Is that all you people think about?”
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Two nuns are driving down the highway, when, out of nowhere, a Vampire lands on the front hood of their car and is facing them through the windshield. The two nuns begin to panic when one nun yells to the other, “Do something! Show it your cross!”
The nun in the passenger seat agrees, leans out the window in rage and yells, “Get the off the windshield!”
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Two nuns are on a break in the rectory.
“I was cleaning Father Tom’s room a few days ago,” gossips the first nun, “and I found a bunch of condoms.”
“Oh, my,” gasps the second nun. “What did you do?”
“I poked holes in them,” she replies.
“ !” says the second nun.
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You're right louse...Catholics are the only people that have done bad things.
I can go to Amazon just as well and dig up thrash jobs on every single organized religion that has ever existed. I find books that rip the president. I can find websites that suggest that Rush Limbaugh is actually Satan. And I can find media figures that think the world is flat. What does that prove? It proves that you have entirely too much time and hatred on your hands.
Mouse, the Scriptures for the Mass ARE in the pews. Not the entire Bible and carrying a Bible around doesn't get you a "golden ticket" to Heaven.
I know you dislike Catholics and that is fine but I don't think you should criticize its members.
Like I told you this weekend..if you don't find Jesus in the Catholic Church then I hope you find him somewhere else.
My faith is solid so all the naysayers, books about cults, yada yada yada do not bother me. But I will admit that I do get defensive, and I need to work on that, when it comes to my religion.
But I teach my girls NEVER to question ones faith for it is a personal issue.
I've been to a Baptist Church, Church of Christ, Protestant, Methodist and some non-denomination Churches because a friend invited me but never thought about leaving the Catholic Church.
It is a PERSONAL choice. Don't knock someone for what they believe and God bless you Mouse.
I have a question for the religious folks in here:
Where I live, you can't go a mile without seeing some huge expensive uberchurch or one under construction. They get filled one day a week and then have some weekday events for the elderly and the kiddos. I realize that religion is a business and a big one at that, but wouldn't it be a lot more "spiritually fulfilling" to have a modest building and then use these tremendous donations to help charitable causes?
I'm just curious.
I see a quite a few expensive homes popping up everywhere.
Why aren't more people living in modest homes so they can give more to charitable causes? Do you really need 3500 sq.ft. to live in?
I couldn't have asked for a better answer. Thank you.
Yes I do. I need my space.
Do you really need it, or do you just want it?
Materialism.
just like a Catholic to bring up Gold. Any ticket will do just fine, And the real reason they don't have the complete bible they are afraid someone might read some pages where it talks about worshiping saints and idols,
I don't dislike anyone, If I didn't care about your lost souls I wouldn't make an effort to help you by bringing the truth.I know you dislike Catholics and that is fine but I don't think you should criticize its members.
Jesus is Standing right in front of you, you have to let him in he is knocking at your door.Like I told you this weekend..if you don't find Jesus in the Catholic Church then I hope you find him somewhere else.
I must admit your the first Catholic at this website that can talk without the curse words and insults.My faith is solid so all the naysayers, books about cults, yada yada yada do not bother me. But I will admit that I do get defensive, and I need to work on that, when it comes to my religion.
Then how do you explain to them why they can't say Christmas in school?But I teach my girls NEVER to question ones faith for it is a personal issue.
Now your going over board, I have known you for years and not once have you come to our church even though I bribe you. You said you was born a Catholic and I don't see you going in anyone's church unless you was asking for Directions or something.I've been to a Baptist Church, Church of Christ, Protestant, Methodist and some non-denomination Churches because a friend invited me but never thought about leaving the Catholic Church.
yes I should just do like you, bury my head in the sand and mind my own business as my fellow posters are headed to the lake of fire,It is a PERSONAL choice. Don't knock someone for what they believe
You must be one heck of a Witness to God
he has many times each day, it's you that needs his blessings.God bless you Mouse.
Mouse won any debate in this thread based on that one post. Nice.Judge not lest ye be judged.
Mouse, your legitimacy is pretty freakin' low.
Look up Rev. Fred Phelps mouse. I think you'll find a great friend in him. The two of you have much in common.
Have a nice day.
This is one thing I've always wondered, but I haven't had the opportunity to ask a minister or priest, or anyone else who would be knowledgable on Christian faith.
I don't understand how under that faith, you'd be able to live in excess (such as having a house in the Dominion Mr. Hagee) while there are Christians (and other people as well) who are starving as well. Wouldn't you be obligated to use that excess money to help those people before it would be right to use it in a gluttonous fashion?
I believe you have a right to things that make you happy, including some things in excess, but I don't see how that would go with a Christian lifestyle.
Long time lurker here. Just wanted to add a little background on one of the areas you had an objection to.
In reference to confession to a priest, we are just doing what the Bible tells us to do. If we look at James 5:16, it reads "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." (New International Version) or "Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." (King James Version) As can be seen, we are to confess our sins to one another but what good is that since only God can forgive sins. Maybe he gave that authority to someone on earth.Let's look at John 20:21-23. It reads "Again Jesus said, “Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you.” And with that he breathed on them and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.”" (New International Version) or "Then said Jesus to them again, Peace be unto you: as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you. And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and saith unto them, Receive ye the Holy Ghost: Whose soever sins ye remit, they are remitted unto them; and whose soever sins ye retain, they are retained." (King James Version) Per those verses, He gave the Apostles the authority to forgive or retain sins. They would have to hear a person's sins in order to make the determination whether to forgive or retain. This authority has been passed down to the present day priests through Apostolic succession. So when we are confessing to a priest, we are doing what the Bible tells us to do and since it is the Word of God, what God wants us to do.
The at ude that you encountered with the Catholics you associated with about confession is not what the Church teaches. From the Catechism of the Catholic Church, "1490 The movement of return to God, called conversion and repentance, entails sorrow for and abhorrence of sins committed, and the firm purpose of sinning no more in the future. Conversion touches the past and the future and is nourished by hope in God's mercy."Just as Jesus told the women He saved from stoning from the Pharisees "“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” (John 8:11 New International Version) or "And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more." (John 8:11 King James Version), the Church wants us to try sincerely to sin no more.
Also, the Bible is read at every mass, three readings on Sunday and two readings Monday through Saturday. If you would go to every mass (weekends and weekdays) for three years, you would essentially hear the entire Bible. We also have Bible study, so it's not like we are discouraged from reading it.
I love lurkers, They kinda creep me out sometimes, Whenever I make a topic about how bad coach Pop sucked during a game I often wonder if he reads sometimes. Then again why say something if you can't back it up. But I think it's cool to know others are reading also, not just the same folks you think are on line all the time. I know a few lurkers like Texpro ShinnerBock lady and others, I always ask them at the Gtg's how they can read and not post? It's like going to krispy kream each day and never eating a hot sweet fresh donut.
In any case thanks for the Info. Sometimes I posts links and paste so fast I am not sure what it reads. I am just so excited to get someone's goat I get sloppy at times.
Well, if anything good came out of this topic it's a lurker coming out of the dark to post and to me that alone makes my day complete.
Thank you, and welcome to the club.
Ps: You post from work? Just curious.
You must live at 281 and 1604! (I live in that area and it is exactly as you described)
You just proved his point. Shouldnt a church be held up to a higher level of morality than an individual?
Ok the first sentence was just a crappy attempt at an insult (its an expression). Wrong about the bible, I was encouraged in cathecism to read the bible (every year), the Sunday masses are something specific for you to think about each week, but the bible is for you to read on your own time to develop a personal relationship with God, rather than having a pastor tell you how to have a relationship with God.
Dont really know what your religion professes, but Catholics believe in an all-loving and forgiving God, and that if you accept Jesus in your heart that you have a (insert adjective here) ticket to heaven. As far as your "confession" comments earlier Catholics only believe that your sins are forgiven after confession if you are truely sorry for them. Oh and as far as the "as soon as they get outta church they cuss about parking" thats the worst, I mean worst example you could use to say that catholics are bad, due to the fact that every religion has 'em. I could go the opposite and say well Mother Theresa was a catholic and was one of the greatest and most humble examples of a human being, so Catholicism must be the only way to go!yes I should just do like you, bury my head in the sand and mind my own business as my fellow posters are headed to the lake of fire
You must be one heck of a Witness to God
edit:umm shoulda read all the way to the bottom, goliadnative made this point already, and much better I might add, thanks goliad!
Lastly, it should be noted that I was raised Catholic, and went to a catholic school until 4th grade, and attended cathecism until confirmation, I know a lot about the church. I would consider myself to be athiest and have been for about 9 years (that is a whole 'nuther thread). I continue to educate myself on religion though (currently going to a bible study every monday at an episcopalian (sp?) church), but this is moreso for the historical aspects of the bible. I defend catholics though because my family is catholic and I love them, we may have different belief systems and occasionally get into debates, but we respect eachother's ideas.
can we get an un Bias view from someone?
Well mouse, more than likely an unbiased person wont have the knowledge of the catholic church that would be necessary to make an educated response to your accusations (akin to asking a mathematician to tell you the intimate details of a sonnet and what keys to look for to find out who wrote it, when there is a perfectly good literary scholar right next to you). If you would like more info directly from the church, about the church as to what catholicism is all about I would recommend doing a search maybe on newadvent.com, or maybe look up the catechism of the catholic church.
Have you ever been to a full gospel church? Have you ever seen a church full of happy people singing songs and praising the lord?
how would you compare it to your church ? If your church is fun and you leave happy you went? Then I shall give your church a visit. maybe i went to the only boring Catholic church in San Antonio, Maybe your church is where I need to go, What part of town is it located?
I went to catholic church for 3 years straight and it felt more like going to a job, something I had to do or pay the price.
I can tell you the church that I used to go to, St. Monica's. It's in Converse, its got guitar music (along with horns and such and everyone sings along). I have been recently (about 4 or 5 weeks ago to see some friends), there is a new Priest (old one retired), the music seemed to be a little stale, but that coulda just been that particular mass (although my niece was dancing to a couple of songs, shes 1 and a half), but under the old priest it never was.
Also, whats that last comment supposed to mean?
I can carry this on tomorrow, but I have to be downtown at 7:30 and just realized what time it is. Goodnight all.
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