That's Right, Yep, It's the "Why Your Team Sucks: 2013 Edition" Thread

[benefactor]

I love how the guy is calling out owners for getting public money, but he should be calling out the corrupt city officials who give it away.

Truth bomb.

[benefactor]

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...nts-1027576453

In a league with so many terrible defenses, the Saints had the worst defense by FAR. They gave up 15 percent more yards than the second-worst defense in the league (the Giants). And who did they hire to fix this mess?

(door flies open)



OW-OOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Finally, Wolfman Rob is workin' in a city that GETS him. Me and this town go way back, friendo. I remember coming here for my fourth bachelor party back in 1982. I went to my favorite bordello—Lucky Pierre's—and met up with this Creole gal who had REMARKABLE s. Well, she takes me up to the Dr. John Suite and peels her lace frock off. And I swear to God, this gal had not one between her legs, but TWO! Looked like a cow's udder down there. Well anyway, I make a few "halftime adjustments" and we ended up having a kickin' good time. I won't lie: I love a woman with a man's ass. I may have been on mushrooms and acid at the time. REAL WILD .

FUN FACT: No New Orleans resident has taken a shower since 1985. You people are worse than rednecks because you think having a bunch of overcrowded, sweaty jazz clubs and a signature fried shrimp hoagie makes you immune from being labeled rednecks. Not true. You are rednecks with an inexplicable superiority complex. New Orleans is the birthplace of so many awful things: goth culture, actors trying to get extra "realness" cred, Dan Aykroyd's music career, writers who co-opt the city's poorest residents for their own moral grandstanding, an economy based solely on beads, and natives who earn a living off of tourism but make every effort to let tourists know they don't "get" their hole of a town and never will. GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO BOURBON STREET AIN'T THE REAL N'AWLINS GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO. I hope the Saints' Super Bowl win is eventually vacated.

This is close to the best one so far .

[benefactor]

I had forgot all about this

Gonna need to hear from BRHornet45 about this.

[gaKNOW!blee]

Tim Dwight = Boss

[Chief Brody]

Tim Dwight = Boss

Fastest white guy I can remember. Tough as nails too

[Chief Brody]

Should they even bother writing a Bills one?

[TrainOfThought5]

Im pretty sure theyre sitting back saying a Cowboys one is too easy.

[symple19]

awesome

[symple19]

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...als-1040196726

Weakest effort so far, imo

guess he blew his wad on the Saints

[benefactor]

Yeah...that was pretty weak. The best part is probably the 10/10 Andre Smith rant in the fan emails.

[Blake]

Your team: lol utsa

Your 2012 record: irrelevant

Your coach: Larry Coker. Nice guy, but that's his problem. He let's his players walk all over him.
His resume looks nice though, but an extreme coddling coach like this just couldn't last long at the real college football level.
This beta coaching style fits perfect at a school like lolutsa though.

Why your team sucks: because of your fans. Lolutsa turd git fans generally think the roadrunners will be on the level of a school like Baylor in the next three years, Notre Dame in the next five, Alabama in 6.
You also play in an arena that was built on my tax dollar. I don't like that.
I do however love the old roadrunner logo in the jogging suit.
No end in sight for the sucking.

6 worst roadrunners ever

1. bleedorange&blue: this guy got so butthurt that he actually visited another poster at his job. Also made Kori so pissed that she gave lolutsa their own forum just to get them out of the way
2. The jackass who bragged about being a sugar daddy to a bunch of young mothers. Can't remember his name.
3. lebomb: this dude licks asshole. He got so tired of being made fun of that he now brags about it. Problem for him is that we still see the butthurt through the bragging.
4. FkLa: Diaw>Lee, etc
5. Devin Brown: these days is a drunk driver
6. Soza: worst QB they've ever had

[J.T.]

The good ol lol utsa days... Call me crazy, but I might actually like, MISS the time when lol utsa didn't have their own subforum. So much fun.

[symple19]

Your team: lol utsa

Your 2012 record: irrelevant

Your coach: Larry Coker. Nice guy, but that's his problem. He let's his players walk all over him.
His resume looks nice though, but an extreme coddling coach like this just couldn't last long at the real college football level.
This beta coaching style fits perfect at a school like lolutsa though.

Why your team sucks: because of your fans. Lolutsa turd git fans generally think the roadrunners will be on the level of a school like Baylor in the next three years, Notre Dame in the next five, Alabama in 6.
You also play in an arena that was built on my tax dollar. I don't like that.
I do however love the old roadrunner logo in the jogging suit.
No end in sight for the sucking.

6 worst roadrunners ever

1. bleedorange&blue: this guy got so butthurt that he actually visited another poster at his job. Also made Kori so pissed that she gave lolutsa their own forum just to get them out of the way
2. The jackass who bragged about being a sugar daddy to a bunch of young mothers. Can't remember his name.
3. lebomb: this dude licks asshole. He got so tired of being made fun of that he now brags about it. Problem for him is that we still see the butthurt through the bragging.
4. FkLa: Diaw>Lee, etc
5. Devin Brown: these days is a drunk driver
6. Soza: worst QB they've ever had

Should post in the lolutsa forum, tbh

[Blake]

Eerily on cue, not even directed at me

You still cant STFU.....we know UT, Bama, LSU and a ton of programs are better. We already know that Soza wasnt good enough to be the QB at these universities at the time. So what?? He is a pretty good QB non the less. there are tons of QBs that went to lesser football programs and turned out to be great QBs in college and the pros. UT has been around for 900yrs also, so they will always get the cream of the crop recruits. Tell us something we dont know and stop clowning on UTSA which is still an infant as a university and as a football team. Its getting there.

[symple19]

Cleveland

Your 2012 record: 5-11. FUN FACT: the Browns have won either four or five games every year for the past five years. OOOOH WHICH ONE WILL IT BE THIS YEAR?! My money is on four!
The Browns have lost 10 or more games in nine of the past 10 years. That's a large enough sample size for us to know this is no accident. You have to really TRY to be that bad. You have to deliberately plant staph fungus in the locker room showerheads and sign Jake Delhomme and hire Leo Bloom as your accountant to craft a failure this magnificent, this seemingly permanent.


Your coach: Rob Chudzinski. Here's a photo of ol' Chud.

Shouldn't he be leaking secret government cyber-surveillance programs to Julian Assange or something? Anyway, young Beau Bridges here was hired only after Chip Kelly gave the Browns a handjob for 12 hours before punching them in the balls and fleeing the massage parlor. Chud was the offensive coordinator in Cleveland back in 2007, the year Derek "Horse Balls" Anderson inexplicably threw 29 touchdown passes (OMG STEROIDS!) and the Browns won an un-Browns-like 10 games. So Chud is back to restore Cleveland to its former anomalous, soft-schedule-aided glory days. And he's brought Norv Turner with him! YAY! Can you believe it took this long for Norv and the Browns to join forces? THEY WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. I hope he never leaves.
Also, the Browns have a shiny new GM in PANTHEON BS REPORT GUEST Mike Lombardi. Let's hope that Mike's time-tested method of kissing Bill Belichick's ass and assigning arbitrary "blue chipper" labels to good players helps the Browns reverse decades of ins utionalized failure.

Why your team sucks: Only in Cleveland. ONLY in Cleveland would the new owner be a minority Steelers owner who turned out to be a ing crook. Not only is Jimmy Haslam a crook, but his company of truck driver handjob emporiums is a whopping FOUR BILLION DOLLARS IN DEBT. Oh my ing God! Are his truck stops built out of ing platinum? This man isn't even an effective crook. The feds are so far up Haslam's ass that his dad might be called in to run the team. Jimmy Haslam's father, you should note, is 82 years old. You get a crook AND you get Ralph Wilson all in one!
The Browns are so colossally ed up that they stand as a monument to more than just football incompetence. They are a living allegory of EVERYTHING WRONG WITH AMERICA. Here's Roger Goodell, who is a glorified errand boy, defending Haslam despite the fact that the feds have said Haslam knowingly defrauded other companies out of millions of dollars:

"Jimmy Haslam is a man of great integrity," Goodell said, via the Cleveland Plain Dealer. "We're proud to have him as an owner in the NFL and think he's going to be a great owner for the Cleveland Browns and their fans here. [...] We actually hold ownership to a higher standard and management. I think we've proven that in what we've done."

Everything Goodell has said here, from beginning to end, is a breathtaking lie. It's amazing, really. To think that you can buy a billion-dollar football team with money that you probably don't have, and then have the commissioner of the NFL prop you up because the league can't ever admit in public that it's dealing in some seriously shady . Isn't that remarkable? If you know the right people, you don't even have to be rich to be rich in this country. You can just go billions of dollars into debt and then have everyone keep you afloat because they don't want to go down with you. What a complete and utter ing disgrace. I hope Jimmy Haslam gets sent to Elkton, and I hope Roger Goodell is assigned to do cafeteria duty with him.
By the way, we haven't even gotten to the on-field product in Cleveland, which is wretched. Weeden will almost certainly be benched during the season for Brian Hoyer (former Patriot! MIKE LOMBARDI SAYS BILL BELICHICK KNOWS HOW TO DEVELOP YOUNG BLUE CHIPPERS!). The offensive line is somehow on the downswing. The receivers can't catch, even when they're not under suspension. The defense is terrible and is shifting base alignments. They also gave $15 million guaranteed in the offseason to THIS guy:

McClain mugging during his arrest, Bryant looking tore-up during his photo-op...#Raiders sure photograph well: pic.twitter.com/3VQIMGPe2S
— Victor Cotto (@cottovic) February 25, 2013

There's no part of this that isn't horribly depressing. I feel like I'm watching a dog being strangled. Of course, this is what Cleveland fans get for voluntarily living in one of America's most downtrodden cities and then acting surprised when they get trodden down.

The 18 worst Browns ever:
1. Tim Couch. Still married to Heather Kozar! Something tells me he lives his life with few regrets.
2. Dwayne Rudd


3. Courtney Brown
4. Brady Quinn. Choosing your least favorite Cleveland starting QB is like choosing your favorite child. I simply can't decide!
5. Taupe
6. Charlie Frye
7. William Green
8. Pat Shurmur. I'm telling you, I had already forgotten he was the coach last year. It's like they were coached by a vapor cloud.
9. Eric Zeier
10 (t). Kevin Johnson, Dennis Northcutt, Quincy Morgan, André Davis, Brian Robiskie. You guys should NEVER draft a wideout in the second round. Ever.
15. Jake Delhomme
16. Dwight Clark
17. Tommy Vardell. TOUCHDOWN TOMMY! (NOTE: Scored three touchdowns in his entire career)
18. Eric Mangini. Read this and be horrified.

Randy:

Their best player in the last decade was LeBron hypothetically becoming a tight end for them.

Roro:

Out of the games that I have been to the last five years, I have spent 90% of my time at the Club Level bar chasing beers with Long Islands instead of watching the steaming pile of teams that we had on our field. Over this time period, the best player on our team was the kicker, and now even he is gone. Staph infections run rampant in locker rooms. Our owner is about to be cellmates with Bernie Madoff. Our best defender got suspended for illegal substances... ADDERALL... is this high school? A quarterback from Duke started a game for us last year, so things are basically looking up.
Still waiting for next year.
I need a tail.

Glenn:

Our icons are a running back who quit on the team 50 years ago to be in movies and beat women, and a barely better than average quarterback who couldn’t beat John Elway and sounds like he is drunk 100% of the time.

David:

When I watch Browns games today, I physically sense my time on Earth being wasted. Sitting through a whole game can raise dark existential questions that pierce through whatever booze shield I'm wielding.

[symple19]

http://www.clevescene.com/cleveland/...nt?oid=3625467

[symple19]

Eric Mangini

[benefactor]

Man...that's brutal.

[The Reckoning]

i think #2 was tonylongoriafan

[Blake]

i think #2 was tonylongoriafan

Rofl yeah, that was him.

[benefactor]

Pittsburgh Steelers

Again...not his best effort but the emails are pretty funny...and this gif is full of incredible amounts of win:

[symple19]

This was pretty good

You (Pittsburgh) are the EVIL EMPIRE OF GRI UDE. You are a fanbase riddled with Cowboys-style bandwagoners and people who treat the local sports bar like it's their personal litter box, and you deserve nothing but misery. Die.

Truth bomb

[symple19]

Bubby Brister

[symple19]

Baltimore Ravens

Your 2012 record: 10-6, Super Bowl champions. And the fun thing about being a hater is that I can concoct any number of completely stupid ways to discredit your le. You won only because Jimmy Smith held! You just got hot at the right time! If Rahim Moore weren't a up and John Fox weren't a gutless coward, you'd be divisional round chum!Fluuuuuuuuke. The refs ed the Niners over! RAY LEWIS IS STILL A MURDERER STABBY STAB STAB. Stupid Ravens fans. Winning a Super Bowl doesn't actually mean you're any good.

Your quarterback: Joe Flacco. Now that the postseason is over, ol' Boring Joe (his family calls him Boring Joe because he's boring!) can go back to completing less than 60 percent of his passes, barely throwing 20 touchdowns, and being the AFC's answer to Eli Manning. He simply isn't the same passer without Ray Lewis's MAGIC JESUS HANDSguiding his passes. Also, Flacco got paid this offseason ($52 million guaranteed). With the remaining cap space, the Ravens have signed this velcro catch paddle to play wideout.

I'm told it has better hands than Ed son.

Why your team sucks: No Lewis. No Ed Reed. No Matt Birk. No Anquan Boldin. No Dennis Pitta (out for the year). No Paul Kruger. No Cary Williams. No Vonta Leach. Oh, but the team DID sign Rolando McClain to pick up some slack in the Get Arrested And Then Retire Department. This team was gutted in record time. And the worst part is that, even though they're destined to go 8-8, I'm still gonna get more Ray Lewis than I ever wanted because ESPN is gonna put him in front of a camera for 23 hours every day. Just one constant live stream of Lewis praising Jesus and fake-smiling as if he's never been complicit in the stabbing death of another human being. PUKE.

By the way, whenever you take a shot at Ray Lewis for the Atlanta stabbings, Ravens fans get all dismissive. You're still bringing that up? We're over it, you guys. NOW LET'S CRANK UP SOME DAUGHTRY AT THIS BARBECUE. Ravens fans are the sole reason that the Greene Turtle stays in business.
Their fans are posers: jorts-wearing crab-billies who love playing up their city's toughness but would never dare step foot inside Baltimore city limits. If you've been to Baltimore proper, you know that it's a third-world deathscape, dotted with hobos selling copper scrap and crazy-eyed meth zombies staring at you from atop abandoned railcars. I'm shocked that the Elysium space station can't be seen hovering over it. Billy from Glen Burnie is just as scared less of that town as any other American is, but that's not gonna stop him from rocking a pair of purple camo pants and pretending he's the leader of some kind of battalion of unarmed Grimaces. YOU'RE SO ING HARD. If Ray Lewis showed up on some Ravens fans' doorstep, they'd spend the night hiding in the carport.

[JoeTait75]

Our icons are a running back who quit on the team 50 years ago to be in movies and beat women, and a barely better than average quarterback who couldn’t beat John Elway and sounds like he is drunk 100% of the time.

Why's he got to talk about Bernie like that.