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I think Elizabeth Taylor has written a book on this subject.
She has great nuggets of wisdom when it comes to marriage.
Anyway, I say go for it.
You only live once.
Carpe Diem my friend.
The how: A couple of years ago either a topic was posted here or was presented to me somewhere else that if there was one thing you would/could change about your mate ... physical, emotional, material ...whatever ... what would it be.
And I still can't think of anything I'd ever want to change. If anything, I like him even more now than I did before....and I still get all tingly when I think about him.
This was important to me, because my ex-husband and I had absolutely nothing in common...and I had too many answers to that question.
The when: is not related directly to the how, and is a little more personal and traumatic, and probably (thankfully) doesn't happen to a lot of people at such an early stage in their relationship, so I'm not going there.
If anything will test a relationship's viability, time apart will do it. Good luck!
I think Elizabeth Taylor has written a book on this subject.
She has great nuggets of wisdom when it comes to marriage.
Anyway, I say go for it.
You only live once.
Carpe Diem my friend.
That pretty much sums it up for us. It will be 18 years for us in January, and we were together for 5 years. He was 17 and I was 19 when we met. We have our ups and downs, ruts, etc., but in the end it all works out.Rashofan, my husband and i are going on 18 years of marriage this Fall. It's hard to remember way back then.I was pretty young back then, 21.......how old are you? Even though we have made it work my age was a factor in some of our difficulties early on in our marriage. We dated for a year and then decided to elope.
I do remember our relationship being pretty easy while dating. We had a lot of fun together, tons of laughter and it just felt right. During the years there have been several times when our marriage was difficult but we have always remembered not only how much we love eachother but how much we LIKE eachother. He is my bestfriend.
Wishing you all the best, as always Sis.
My husband and I were high school sweethearts, I was 13, he was 17 when we met. We celebrated 22 years of marriage in June, we are together 32 (!) years.
How did I know? Pretty simple. I couldn't imagine my life without him in it.
We did the long distance thing when I was 19 for 2 years. He was on the West Coast, I was on the East Coast. This was way before cell phones and email/IM/texting. We didn't have a lot of money between us so we had to be careful with phone bills. Those 2 years taught me a lot about what they call "true love". I missed him, I always found myself turning to talk to him only to remember he wasn't there! I was busy finishing college so it wasn't like I had nothing else to think about. But he was never out of my thoughts. As soon as I could I got myself out West.
Like others have said, you just know. It's okay to question, in fact it's important to question. It's the only way you'll be sure of your feelings.
Talk a lot. About everything. Have those "what if..." conversations to see if you both have similar views on the big things. Children, money, career, all the big goals a couple starting out should think about. You don't have to agree 100% on everything, but you both have to be comfortable on the things you differ on. No relationship is perfect, no couple is happy all the time. The commitment to each other is what makes it work. The respect for each other. That's what "For better or worse" is for.
I wish you both happiness, wherever your relationship takes you.
Literally on the 30th day of dating. Not the 30th date mind you, but the 30th day into seeing each other in "that way".
We talked on the phone ALOT, and I mean almost every singel night for at least 4 hours. So the meaningfull, get down in the dirt, serious questions about ideas/future/plans/etc etc had been taking place without the distraction of face to face lust. IYKWIM.
That day he mentioned that we were getting to know each other very well.. and whta were my thoughts on.. ehem **cough** matrimony? **cough** I mena, marriage? (still 10 yrs later)
and It dawned on me.... in my heart that was a given. I couldn;t see my slef not goign forward from that moment spending every day in a state of being with him.
I said it was a forgone conclusion and i had no objections.
Our 9th is coming up in Jan.
Just ask your heart - Can I see us parting? Am I willing to go on alone? If not, If you can only look forward and see the peace and home like comfort of a lasting togetherness.... well then you have your answer.
good luck.
me too!
Man, talk about a loaded question! Well, me and the wife have been together going on 10 years and it's been the toughest, most challenging and rewarding 10 years of my life.
I was coming out of an almost married relationship (backed out at the last minute) when I met my future wife. She was just different than anyone I had dated before. I tended to go out with women I could intimidate and get my way with (I was bascially a selfish sob). My wife at the time bascially called me on my bull and I immediately realized that I had someone I couldn't just run over and get my way.
I guess I could have taken the easy route and not stayed with her (she had a 4yr. old daughter as well), but I decided to jump in with both feet and looking back now I realize I made one of the best (if not the best) decisions of my life.
What does all of this add up to? For me it's about finding someone who can challenge you to become a better person, to push the boundaries in your own life, and also someone who stands up for herself. I respect the out of my wife, and I can't imagine ever being with anyone else. She has really helped me to become a better, more complete person.
Easjer and I met at college. We knew a lot of the same people, but had rather different opinions on them. For instance she (and most of her friends) thought my older brothers and company were a bunch of drunken assholes. And for that matter my brothers and most of their friends thought thought that her group were a bunch of elitist hypocrites. That's a rather simplified version of things but it's close enough. There was some opposition when we started dating, and in the end it cost both of us some friendships, but it was kind of a blessing in disguise. Since neither of us really fit with the others' friends we spent that much more time with each other. People tend to act differently if you're out with a group. Without that dynamic there wasn't any pressure to act a certain way or try to keep up any appearances for anyone. We could just develop our own iden y as a couple.
We still have our own separate groups that we hang out with, but over time we've developed a group of "our" friends who have only ever really known us as a couple. We met fall of '01, starting dating spring of '02, got engaged summer of '03, and were wed October 1, 2005.
As far as any advice goes, don't take anyone's advice. I'm not saying that anyone here is particulary wrong, just that the way two people interact is such an unpredictable thing that trying to apply one rule from one couple to another is tough. I have three older brothers- two are married, and one is in a long term relationship. All four of us have a lot in common and yet looking at our relationships side by side you'd be hard pressed to find much in common between any of them. Any specific advice I would give you would probably fly straight in the face of their proven success. , go to any book store, buy three random relationship books and see how much conflicting advice you get.
The most I could say is that what makes a successful marriage are the same things that make any sort of relationship (whether that is business, friendship, etc.) work. It takes basic things like respect, a willingness to communicate and compromise, and trust. If you've got those things then you've got all the building blocks. The rest is up to you. I hope it all works out. Anyone willing to come to Houston for a Spurs game deserves a good marriage.
Have you been tempted to write your thoughts about anyone else like this guy?
My husband and I had only dated about 3 months when we started talking about marriage. We'd known each other for about a year before we started dating. I wasn't even particularly attracted to him before we started dating, but once we started seeing each other I couldn't get enough of him. Everything just felt good and right. We just celebrated our 12th anniversary last weekend and things are good.
When: Beer #12
How: See above.
No, not that I recall. I have metioned that I am dating this guy or that guy, but this is the first time I have seeked advice from the "couples" about the How and When...
Rasho,
I am on my way out the door to take advantage of the wonderful spa day that my husband of almost 10 years and my daughter gave me. But when I get back I want to answer your question, since I was 35 when I met and married my husband and he was in the military.
2Blonde...I am waiting for your advice...
Chiming in late with the other perspective on our marriage, since SFIE has given you his. His history of our relationship is pretty accurate, so I can skip that, except to add that the moment I knew I was supposed to be with him (and I didn't fully recognize it at the time) was when we were friends and he told me he was dating someone else. It was like someone had reached into my chest and was squeezing my heart - my heart just hurt. I wanted to cry, and I had no idea why, because up until that moment and for a few beyond that, I had had no idea of wanting to date him. He was just my friend. When we started dating, it was quick and easy and fast and natural - we were talking marriage in about 3 weeks, and it was always just sort of a done deal. We'd picked out a wedding date before he proposed. I can't speak for him entirely, but I just felt it - we were going to be together. We took things sort of slowly, and as the timeline shows, we had a very long engagement (which wasn't a bad thing), but I think that basic knowledge underlying our relationship helped. We made decisions about us and for our long-term relationship. Because it felt like it was always going to be that way, us together, we talked things through early. We didn't around playing mind games, and we really got to know each other (though we knew each other pretty well from before we started dating).
I can agree very well with my husband about not being able to give you much advice - because truly, every relationship is different. We (and I hope he won't mind me saying this) are not big lovers. We have great sex and a wonderful connection and a healthy sex life, but that is sort of incidental to our relationship - we are friends first and foremost. That is particular to us, and I wouldn't assume it to be the case for anyone else (in fact, I know it's very different for other couples). Our marriage is built on a more comfortable, worn-in sort of thing that wouldn't appeal to lots of other people. Some people prefer that higher-tension, high emotion feeling of euphoria and love, and I personally just don't believe that is sustainable over a long-term relationship. That's not to say that I don't love Jason, because I do with all my heart. It's just that the ecstasy of our early relationship cooled off, and I felt like that was not a bad thing (it was sort of tiring). And we had other things there to fill in that gap. We had (and have) affection and friendship and greater love than before. We had (and have) each other's interests and wellbeing in mind. We try to be better people for each other (but for ourselves as well). We have respect for each other and common interests. I trust him with everything - my life, our relationship, our money, my happiness and well-being. (that's not to say that I don't have responsibility for those things as well - just that I trust him to share the burden of responsibility for those things - I trust that he will look after them too). That feeling of euphoria comes back now and then and I enjoy it (that feeling of falling in love with him all over again, that welling of emotion when I look at him) but I'm glad I don't live in it constantly. Something I remember from one of my favorite books is a line near the end that sums it up well: "Elizabeth rather knew herself to be happy than felt that she was." I think that sort of encapsulates us. We feel that too, but not all the time and when it's not there (even in those moments where I have to walk away because I am too angry to talk to him without wanting to hurt him), I still know that I love him and I still want to be with him.
Anyway, what works for us, and what we sought was a basis of friendship and trust and love and respect and we grew from there. Common interests and similar beliefs were important, as were similar goals and desires (not that they are exactly the same, but in general, the big ones, like having kids are). Next up would be physical attraction and sex - important but if I had to do without, I could. I can still remember the first time I saw him dressed up, my heart stood still. I remember the first time I saw him on our wedding day, my heart leapt. He is gorgeous, and he makes me feel beautiful. But I know deep down that looks weren't the first thing we went for and that I will still love him and find him attractive 20, 30, 40+ years from now. He's attractive because I love him.
I guess all of that really long winded stuff brings me to this: Figure out what is important to you. Think about what you want in life, in a relationship, in a marriage. What was important from your friend's relationships, your past relationships, your parent's relationship that you want to have or to avoid? Same for him. If you can talk about all of that and if you want to be with him and it's because of the essence of him . . . then you are there. You're getting an early test of something bad (separation and danger) and that will probably crystallize things for you early on.
For every one that has given their perspectives and advice, I thank you very much. I will be re-reading over this thread from time to time. I have to say, I think I am absolutely in love with Tom and that this is the man I will spend the rest of my life with.
I will be realistic here...if my feelings for Tom are nothing but lust or a crush and I have decided that I want someone here and now, then we are not to be together.
BUT
I know that in a year WHEN he comes back and the feelings I have for him now are stronger and our friendship is solid, then I will be sending out the invitations.
And y'all be gently, he is not a real big basket ball fan...it may take some time to "convert" him.
easjer - what a beautiful post. I had something similar once, but I let it get away and I think that will always haunt me.
Rashofan - all the best!
Thanks Matt!
Sounds like you've found "it" RashoFan.
Here's my experience....
I went through a very long courtship with a girl and came very close to marrying her because it was comfortable and seemed like the "next step". Fortunately, both of us sort of freaked out about the possibility of spending the rest of our lives together and it ended.
A couple years later I met a girl through a friend and we just began with casual conversation (truth be told it started out with her friend liking me), but we just started to flow. (Side Note: I'd say that there's a natural comfort and ease when you spend time/talk with THE person.) After that, we just let things happen and all along I knew it felt right.
I can say that I was legitimately in love with this girl after a couple months, that I knew she was "the one" after about 6, and that she said yes after 10.
I guess all people go through different paths to finding the person they love and want to spend the rest of their lives with....so you just have to follow your own path.
But from what you've said, it sounds like you're legitimately in love and that it's not just an infatuation or lust.
O.K. 2 Bonde I am waiting to hear the rest of your story, also.
As for me & my mate
Rasho, he was comming off of a 13 year marriage, 2kids. Me 2 marriages, 1 kid. Idid not, absolutely, positively want to get involved with anyone at the time, but we just happened to move in to the same apt. and met, I lent him my guitar, the weekend I went to Port A. with friends. He came over after I came back to return my guitar. Asked me out on a date, we went out talked until 4:A.M. stayed platonic for 2 weeks,
after a month decided to live together for a year, then got married. Celebrating 28 years of wedded bliss nest month. You just know in your heart sweetie! Go for it. Marini
Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes a candle but fans a fire.
........when she was walking with her trumpet in her hand in my high school bandhall and started talking to me, and wouldn't stop talking but I didn't mind. You see, it's the ability to give someone your undivided time and attention and not feel trapped.
Not to mention she had a nice bod!
That was 38 years ago.
I still can listen to her talk and not feel like I gotta go somewhere else to do something.
She plays me like an instrument!
Update:
Tom and I had a heart to heart talk today. We discussed marriage and children and he is very receptive to the idea of joining my fire dept as a medic when he returns. I told him to take whatever time he needs to adjust when he returns. He told me he wants me with him the day he returns and everyday after that. I can't go a day without thinking about him and I can seriously see myself with this man for the rest of my life.
A little bad news though, he will be sent to a very dangerous area in Iraq (not allowed to discuss any specifics) and I ask for everyone prayers for him and ALL the Troops that are there and in danger day in and day out.
I will talk with y'all later..I am tired and going to bed so I can dream about this wonderful man in my life.
Thanks to everyone for the advice!
FYI: The light doesn't stay on when you close the freezer door.
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