A senior citizen named Barney was driving down the freeway, when his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice . She sounded urgent as she warned him, "Barney I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Heck," replied Barney, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
A busload of gay men and lesbians charter a bus for the exact same time to leave new york and go to los angeles. Who gets there first.
The lesbians, because while the men are still back in new york packin' their , the lesbians get there lickety split.
what does DNA stand for
National dyslecsic association
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Two penguins were sitting in a bathtub. One penguin said, "Please pass the shampoo."
The other replied, "What do I look like, a typewriter?"
More elephant jokes!
Why do elephants wear sandals?
So they don't sink into the sand.
Why do ostriches walk around with their heads in the sand?
They're looking for elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
Blond Joke
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN
ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS
SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS
TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE
PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT
IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING
TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE PIT AND TELLS
THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE
BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY
AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO
EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE
WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE
BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO
HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD
HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST
THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE
THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,
AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES
BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND
ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT
ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON".
A guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward ... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's see.... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the s balls.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ....
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" replies Roger, startled.
"Don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes brimming with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh my, I feel so ..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" asks Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" asks Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine continues
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.
Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks. "Thank you, Roger."
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
That's not a joke. That's real life.
That in itself is the joke.......I think. It's like that Buddweiser commercial wher the chick spends a long ass time looking for a card, while her boyfriend, buys the only one he sees. It's funny cause it's true.
What did the foot say to the sock?
Your coming on to me.
One day this blonde calls her friend and says,
'Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't even figure out how to start it.'
Her friend asks, 'What is it a puzzle of?'
The blonde says, 'From the picture on the box, it's a tiger.'
Well, the friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the pieces spread all over the table.
He studies them for a moment, then studies the box.
He turns to her and says, 'Well, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.'
She asks, 'Oh, how come?'
He says, 'Look, never mind, let's just relax, have a cup of coffee and we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.'
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the funeral, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the funeral director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"
@ SW
This guy is sitting in his car and waiting at the intersection for a funeral to pass by. Afer 20 minutes his still waiting and decides to investigates so he turns the car around and catches the front of the funeral a few blocks down. He notices that there's a man with a dog following the coffin and then all the other mourners are men!
His curiousity peaks so he asks the guy with the dog: Who passed away?
- It's my mother in law, says the guy with the dog.
- What happened?
- Nothing much, my dog bit her and she was dead 24 hours later.
- wow! do you think I could boorow your dog?
- Sure, just wait in line with the others!
What do you do with an elephant with three balls????
Walk him and pitch to the Rhino....
YES!!!What do you do with an elephant with three balls????
Walk him and pitch to the Rhino....
A penguin is driving across Arizona when his car breaks down...
He calls a tow truck to have it moved to the nearest town.
He talks to the mechanic... the guy tells him to come back in an hour and
he will let him know what's up...
The penguin looks across the street and see's a Baskin Robbins...
"Hmm... that is a nice cool spot to hang out..."
An hour later, he waddles back across the street... The mechanic
slides out from under the car... looks up and says... "Looks like you blew
a seal."
"Oh no", said the penguin... "That's just ice cream".
Did you hear about the chinese couple that had a re ed baby?
they named him SUM TING WONG,
Did you steal this one from Whottt?
Um...No
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil es.
Don't mess with them.
wat do u get when u cross breed a fish and an elephant
swimming trunks!!
I thought I'd bump this because I heard a good one, and I'm REALLY REALLY bored.
Why do porn sites have viruses?
To make the experience more lifelike.
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