Is she Catholic? If so it will probably work out...if not it probably won't.
This was true in my case. We saved the marriage by realizing we were not showing the proper level of respect to one another. We had to really make our marriage a partnership and come to the realization that neither of us was in charge of the other. It takes a lot of patience to find common ground but if you can get into the habit of doing so things run a lot more smoothly.
I'm not angry at my ex-husband - he and his wife are the ones that refused to move on and be civil. I've done my best to step back and not make things harder for my kids - even when it meant that I've come out on the short end of things. I have to admit I'm still a little angry at how he treated the kids and how difficult he's made things for them over the years. But the kids are all grown now and married - so whatever relationship they have with their father is up to them - I just don't like it when he makes them choose between us when it comes to holidays and family gatherings, etc.
Also - my issues with my father did affect my relationships and it took counseling to see that I kept picking men who were emotionally unavailable in the hopes of "fixing" the past relationship with my father. All that stuff is a long way in the past - I was just trying to share my experiences in the hopes it would help him make a more informed decision.
BTW - have you ever gone through a VERY acrimonious divorce? When the other party refuses to be civil, even after 20 years, and there are children involved, you have to live with it for the rest of your life because it affects holidays, weddings, birthdays, and even the relationship with your grandchildren!
I disagree. It should at least be easy to recognize when you aren't in love.
sorry bro, I feel for you.
Here's my two cents: If you have three young kids and your wife is able to say she wants a divorce out of the blue there might be someone else in the picture. Not saying that this is the case, but I've seen this too many times. If I were you I would just be mature about the entire situation and keep your distance from her. Give her time to figure out what it is that she really wants, and when she figures it out she can talk to you then. If she acts like she doesn't want to talk, then just don't talk to her. From a physchological stand-point, if she really wants her space and you keep trying to force conversation with her, it will only push her farther away from you. Sounds like a tough situation...
Bingo!
I especially wondered when he said that she complained about football season. If he works 12 hours five days a week, goes to the bar Saturday night (not saying that's what he does, it's just an example) and is glued to the tv all day Sunday for football... that leaves Saturday morning. Any person, no matter how dedicated to their kids, need more than 4 hours of adult conversation a weekThe poor girl probably never even gets to go to the store by herself!
Staying married for the sake of the kids is the worst thing you could possibly do.
Offer her 8 months of therapy. 8 months of a trial basis is reasonable.
Give her at least 3 days a month where she can get out of the house while you stay home with the kids. This will give her some freedom she probably didn't have before.
During football season you're probably going to have to pay a little extra attention if you're going to ignore her during the game. If she can't understand or deal with that I'd consider it a red flag. Cut back on the booze. Don't quite just cut back.
Like I said give it 8 months of couples therapy and give her the ability to remove herself from you and the kids a few nights a month. You two should go out for dinner (without the kids) at least twice a month so you can talk peacefully.
If it doesn't work or there hasn't been significant progress after 8 months don't drag it out any further.
If she is cheating then how do you save the marriage? Once the trust is gone things will never be the same.
And whatever you do, do NOT take relationship advice from this man.
not to go extreme on you, but just look at abuse victims. many people haven't a clue what love is.
all this giving her ...and offering her.... very business like.
agreed if that's indeed the case... if you can't trust someone you should not date them. once a cheat, always a cheat... once a liar, always a liar.
Eh, you may be right about that. I probably personalized my statement too much.
he's right. staying married just for the sake of the kids spells disaster.
and to think this is what I posted after deleting what I would have personally done.And whatever you do, do NOT take relationship advice from this man.
Its not all about giving and offering its about coming to terms with the fact that he's selfishly ignored her ability to operate under her own terms. He should have been allowing her personal time to begin with so no better time than now to offer up a little space for her to come back into her own shoes again.
The 8 months of counseling gives them time to air things out and make a reasonable assessment of the relationship while seeking 3rd party help. It'll also hopefully soften the blow if things don't work out because they would have had 8 months to see that things aren't going to go according to the original plan.
Everything in life is give and take and compromise. Just like a business. Its only "business" like when you have to do all that and you don't want to. IE the love is gone and the relationship has soured.
not too shabby.
thats the other thing she never wants to get a sitter and go out just the 2 of us. she has a monthly girls night and i play poker twice a month but she never wants us to have our time becuse she wont leave the kids at home.
i was 22 and she was 20 when we meet so i would understand if she wants to be able to go out with her frinds more but she never wants to do anything.
and she really want to move to idaho where her family is and i told her if we can find jobs there i would do it but they live in a small ass town with no place to work
everyone seem's to think she is cheating she has never givein me a reson to think that but i also never thought my marriage was in trouble so what the do i know
Thankyou SpursTalk for all the replies
This sucks, man.
I can't possibly see myself with out my daughter. She's my everything.
Look, I'm willing to do whatever to make sure I don't lose my daughter. But, I'm happy doing it. I guess that's what it all balls down to.
If you're happy placating your wife and giving her what she needs to be satisfied, including spending more time with her, giving her time on her own, and stopping the drinking, then by all means do it.
But, if giving up all those things makes you unhappy, then don't do it.
Just know that if you chose the drinking and going out, you're also giving up on your kids, no matter how much you say you want them in your life.
I've given up a lot for my daughter lately. But, I'm okay with it. I'm happy with it.
I would sell my soul to the devil to make sure that I don't lose my child.
Damn, I'm familiar with this.
i am doing everything i can to give her the space i am sleeping at a freinds and getting up at 6am to see my kids before i go to work then i go home at 10 when i get off go into there rooms tuck them in and leave again to do it all over again the next day pluse they were with me all weekend and i even invited the wife to the zoo with us which she said yes to and then acted like a ass the whole time and the kids knew something was wrong.
this suck i love my kids and my wife and dont wanna lose my family and what i thank all this boils down to is she wants to live closer to her family.
and yesterday when i told her she could go i wont stop her but the kids stay here well it dident go over veary well
I hate supper es
Basically. In most cases the court will find both parents to be suitable unless one of you has convictions of abuse against either children or has abandoned them. This will give joint custody to you both with her getting "primary" custody. This means the children's primary residence will be with her, while they likely see you every other weekend, or whatever the parenting plan the two of you come up with through mediation or otherwise suggests. In joint custody agreements the primary parent must keep a residence within reasonable distance for you to visit your children per the visitation guidelines. You can give consent for her to move afar, and work out other visitation arrangements, but it doesn't sound like you would.
So yeah, this is your chance at freedom. It's unlikely she'll be able to take the children out of state without your consent.
You aren't being a great dad if you are a bad husband to their mother. They see and hear everything.
If you're doing your part, then don't sweat it.
If she's homesick, then that's her problem. She needs to grow up.
I think you did right in telling her that if she want's to go it's okay but that the kids stay.
I have a cousin who's married to a real who was always threatening with divorce. Her problem was that she missed mom and dad. Her parents live in Florida.
He tried everything, but that petulant was trying to force him to move to Florida. She even told him that he wouldn't be getting sex anymore.
It pretty much ended with him telling her that she had to decide between staying with the family in Texas, or leaving to Florida on her own.
She's never asked for a divorce since. But, she's still a spoiled little .
However the relationship is between he and his wife, that dude always has a blast with the kids. He's a damn good father and the kids adore him.
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