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^
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
^
Lmao cc!
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his infidelity when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.
Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that ?!?"
Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "Damn, that bug sure had a big ."
Two black guys die in a car crash. When they appear at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asks them what they were doing there. One of the black guys says, "We are God's children here to serve him, let us in." St. Peter looks at them and says, "Let me check with the big guy and see what he says." St. Peter walks up to God and asks, "Boss, there's two black guys who want in, what should I do?" God then tells St. Peter, "Let them in, they are my children here to serve." After a few moments St. Peter returns and tells God, "They're gone!" "The two black guys?", God asks. "No, the Pearly Gates!"
Rules for Golf and Public Restrooms:
10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anybody.
4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.
3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.
2. Be quiet while others are about to go.
1. Keep strokes to a minimum.
The Mexican Dictionary:
BODYWASH: I can't go to tha cantina tonight cuz no BODYWASH my kids.
SHOULDER: My tia wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I SHOULDER.
ATOO: My friend was in the bathroom and I told him to hurry cuz I had to ATOO.
SODAS: My vieja has big tetas and SODAS her sister.
JUICY: Hey vato, I will roll the joint, and ju tell me if JUICY the cops!
JUAREZ: My viejita slapped me and I said JUAREZ your damn problem.
TISSUE: Hey vato if you don't know how to do it, let me TISSUE how.
HEATER: My little sister started to choke. Pero my mom told me to HEATER in the back.
BRIEF: Hey homes, my lady farted in the car and I couldn't BRIEF.
JULY: Ju tol me ju were going to tha store and JULY to me! Julyer.
MUSHROOM: When my familia gets in the car, there's not MUSHROOM left.
Do you know why the Detroit Lions were the last NFL team to get a website?
Because they couldn't put three W's in a row.
That card joke is funny, but when I heard it, the guy busts, and the voice goes "Aw f*ck!"
Two old men are watching a young lady walk her dog in the park. The dog stops for a moment to clean himself, licking vigorously.
One of the old men turns to the other and says, gesturing at the dog, "Hey, don't you wish you could do something like that?"
The other man shrugs and replies, "Eh, I'm afraid I'd get bit."
^
Hardly the best joke EVER ...
hahahaha
This man and his wife go out to play golf one saturday. The man is about to hit his tee shot and confesses to his wife that he cheated on her when he was out of town for work. SMACK! he hits his shot 250yds down the center of the fairway. The wife is visibly upset, but before she tees off..........she decides to make a confession of her own. She says........."honey I have to confess something as well"............the husband says "ok..........go ahead and tell me, I deserve whatever is coming to me" The wife tells him........."Im really a man, I had a sex change right before I met you".................the husband breaks his driver over his leg, throws it and screams........."I can ING BELIEVE YOU!!!!" You have been playing from the ladies tees for the last 5yrs!!!"
Mexicans cross the border 1 at a time, 2 at a time, and 4 at a time, but never with 3 because signs say No Tres Passing.
Little David is in the 5th grade. Yesterday morning when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living, all the typical answers came up: fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
The teacher noticed that little David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so she asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and do it with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said David, red faced. "He plays for the Detroit Lions, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
A woman and her husband were having a lot of fights so they decided to get a divorce. The family goes in front of a judge to decide custody of their son. The judge asks the son "Do you wanna live with your mother?" The son answers, "No my mom beats me."
The judge said, "All right, do you wanna live with your father?"
The son answers, "No my dad beats me worse."
The judge asks, "Who do you wanna live with then?"
The son answers, "The Detroit Lions, they don't beat anybody."
Last edited by manufan10; 09-16-2009 at 11:26 AM.
Sherlock Holmes and Watson go camping. Holmes wakes Watson in the middle of the night and points to the starry sky. "Watson, what do make of this?"
Watson, by know familiar with how far reaching his friend's mind can be, thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I know that each of those stars is a bright burning ball of gas very much like the sun in our own solar system. And in looking at the night sky while I can see hundreds or even thousands of them I know that only represents a very small portion of all of the stars that exist. With so many stars out there I can reasonably guess that there are planets orbiting some of them and that there's some chance that some of those planets are like our own and capable of sustaining life. So when I look at the night sky and consider all of those factors I can infer with some certainty that we are not alone in this universe."
Holmes nods and says, "That's very interesting, Watson, but the point I was trying to illustrate is that someone stole our tent!"
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view.. It had to
be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
^
The doorbell rings at the Taylor home,
as the woman of the house answers, there stands the neighbor Jim.
Jim asks if her husband Bob is home. She says no he isnt,
but what can I help you with? Jim asks if she would screw his
brains out for $250. She says "Jim"! I cant do that, its
inappropriate and you are my husbands friend". Jim asks
would she screw him for $500. She again yells "NO",
go away before I call Bob". As a last resort, Jim asks......."Ok
would you screw me and take it up the pooper for $1000.
The woman pauses, thinks about it and then says......."ok,
just this one time" "I love my husband Bob and do not intend
for this to be a long term affair" I just would like to go to
the Shops at La Cantera this weekend and buy a few things.
So, the pair run up stairs, and Jim pounds away at this woman,
he does all kinds of nasty things to her, and even goes back door
as she agreed to. Well, after 45 min. or so Jim leaves. The woman
takes a shower and as she is drying off, she hears the front door
open. Its her husband Bob , home early from work to her surprise.
Bob asks how her day was, and she responds "it was Ok, unevenful
nothing really to talk about" He said were there any vistors that
came by? The woman of course says no. Bob then says "Jim was
supposed to come by and repay me the $1000 I lent to him last
week"
An oldie but goodie...
Winston Churchill is entertaining guests at a function. A beautiful woman catches his eye, and he says to the lady, "Excuse me, ma'am, but would you answer a hypothetical question for me?"
She replies, "Why of course Mr. Churchill!"
"Wonderful!", he replies. "Tell me, would you sleep with me for one million dollars?"
"I should think so," she says.
"Well, would you sleep with me for ten dollars then?"
"Mr. Churchill! Of course not! What type of woman do you think I am?"
He replies, "Oh, we've already determined that, miss. Now we're just negotiating the price!"
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