Question for the Married Folk

[The Gemini Method]

Whatever the question is the answer is more blow jobs.

Not only can Cowboy seem to cook--he distills priceless truths as well...

[JoeChalupa]

Dating someone and living with someone can be a challenge for sure. There are so many issues that won't come up during dating but will come up when you share a bed and living space. It is a learning experience and give and take and just getting to know your spouse and all the little things that bother you as silly as they may seem. The wife and I have had our share of disagreements and arguments but for that is simply a part of marriage and I haven't heard of many couples that don't argue but I'm sure there are.
Communication is a big part and like others have said we don't like to go to bed angry and we talk things out and yes, we've shouted things out as well.
Good luck to the both of you.

[angel_luv]

1) If you could go back and give a piece of advice to yourself in the first year of your marriage, what would it be.

Never to allow another person to have that much control. In my attempt to make him happy, I made the mistake from the beginning of always being the one to sacrifice while he always took. Now, I know to watch the patterns that develop from the beginning because they can be hard to break.

I would say from what you have written that you need to realize that there is more than one acceptable way to do something. Bo can have different ideas, and different opinions, and different ways of doing things and that is OK. You two do not have to be clones who agree on everything and who do everything exactly the same way. I am thinking that you might have been raised with the notion that there is one right answer to every question and that everyone must do everything that one right way. It makes you insecure or uncomfortable if Bo does anything outside of that narrow view. You think that you are just trying to help him and tell him the right way (because his different way must be the wrong way). As he accomplishes things at work outside of your guidance, he could grow to resent your treating him like he can't do anything right without your telling him what to do.

Sort of. Not quite.

It is two fold.

My life was a real mess for a long time and I finally have some stability, so I am extremely nervous about chaos erupting on me again. Therefore I am very cautious, very, very hesistant to take a risk, afraid to do other than what I know for sure will work ( or what I think will work since it did in the past.)


Also,I was raised in a household with volatile personalities ( many of my foster sisters had terrible past and serious issues as a result.)

As the big sister, I took it on myself to watch out for everyone, to keep them out of trouble. I felt it was my job to be zealous about making sure everyone was okay, safe, and happy.
My sisters really could not take care of themselves, some still cannot, because either no one taught them how or they were to damaged to be able to put the good advice into action.
So in a way, I was justified in my role back then.
But the problem is that I have carried that excessively protective syndrome into childhood in regards to both myself and others and it is something that is destructive rather than helpful.

I can't remember the last time I was not " on the watch".
I don't enjoy being so guarded and uptight. But I also don't feel it would be acceptable or safe to relax- much as I long to do so.

[clambake]

you didn't bring this up until after you were married.

how is your marriage fueling this?

is all of this paranoia new to Bo?

[angel_luv]

you didn't bring this up until after you were married.

how is your marriage fueling this?

is all of this paranoia new to Bo?

A lot of it, I am just realizing myself.

When you are independent ( alone) most of the time, you don't realize that you relate badly to people because you aren't around them.

[I. Hustle]

let go and let God.






You just need to have fun AL. These first years you two are free and need to experience life. Take things a little at a time whatever you do don't rush. All that will come later when you are rushing kids to daycare, doctor, practice, recitals, etc. Take time out and find something that he has been wanting to do for a long time and do it. Tell him something that you have wanted to do and go for it. It doesn't have to be expensive it could be something like spend the day out by the lake having a picnic and relaxing or just taking a drive to the coast.
You are reading too much into everything and the more people give you advice the more confused you are going to be. Just enjoy each other right now and learn to relax.

[clambake]

wouldn't it help if Bo read this thread?

[ploto]

You call it protective or zealous, but really it is about control.

[clambake]

You call it protective or zealous, but really it is about control.

either that, or she's subconsciously but deliberately trying to push him away.

[CosmicCowboy]

wouldn't it help if Bo read this thread?

Bo would probably agree with me. Less introspection and more blow jobs.

[clambake]

Bo would probably agree with me. Less introspection and more blow jobs.

don't worry. i took your post into consideration.

[Shelly]

I honestly don't remember what the first year was like, but we had also been together for 5 years before getting married, so we knew each other pretty well by then.

Basically, in our relationship, we just go with the flow. We have gotten in some nasty fights but both of us get over them very quickly. I'm a little more hot-headed than he is, so things get to me more than him.

Our finances have always been combined and has never been a problem. Neither one of us has to justify what we spend money on to each other (and that can be a BIG problem in marriages just by what married friends of mine have told me), nor does he complain if the house is messy or whatever. He knows that if he doesn't like the way I do something, then he can do it himself--and does sometimes!

But what it really boils down to is that we both have a mutual respect for each other and he never fails to make me laugh.

It must be working because we just celebrated our 20th anniversary last week!

Oh, an FWIW, my parents bicker about the stupidest all the time and they just celebrated their 50th in Nov.!

[TheTruth]

I apologize even if I don't think it's my fault. No use in letting things linger. Talk about it before bed.

[Bukefal]

We had one argument once.. it was about fantasy football. We were sharing a team and he changed the starters without telling me. Then he told me when we were already at church... so I didn't have any input on it. I'm not sure why it even pissed me off so much, but that was the only time we had an argument.

Wow, only once and that over such a small thing! Props to you. That would be awesome, to never ever argue

[Al Koholik]

I was married once. I loved her with everything I had. I gave her every fuggin thing. Why did that have to leave me? BECAUSE SHE'S A THAT'S WHY! No, no she isn't. He gave her what I couldn't, time and attention. THAT UNGRATEFUL ! I WORKED ALL THOSE HOURS FOR HER! No, no that's not true. I wanted that new car. I... I loved that car. I'd still have it if it wasn't for THAT !! WHERE'S MY CAR ?! DOES THAT ASSHOLE DRIVE IT?!
DOES HE DRIVE MY CAR?!!

[Twisted_Dawg]

Pick your battles.

[CosmicCowboy]

I don't argue. I just tell her "we have had this argument before and I'm just not doing it again"

[Viva Las Espuelas]

Should be an interesting evening at someone's apartment.

[FortuneCookie]

Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.

Lucky Numbers: 12, 16, 22, 29, 30, 44 51

[jcrod]

Don't sweat the small things. Communicate, especially when you have an argument. You'l be suprise both of you were thinking totally different things. Respect each other. Be honest with each other, especially with your feelings, don't let things build up. Compromise, you'll need to find common ground on certain topics, feelings, and actions, give and take.

As long as you don't have physical/mental abuse, dishonesty, and adultery everything else should be easy. Just love and trust in one another and tackle each problems as they come....together.

[Ed Helicopter Jones]

If Bo has correctly set the ground rules you all will have a very healthy, happy relationship.

My simple advice from my own healthy, happy marriage:




Remember that you are the wife, and all that entails.

1. Whatever Bo wants, Bo gets.
2. Have his favorite drink waiting the second he walks in the door. Remove his shoes, massage his feet.
3. Ask him about his day...if he doesn't feel like talking (you'll know this if he ignores you and turns on the television) you must happily retreat to the kitchen, or other room of the house not occupied by Bo.
4. Have his dinner promptly on the table within 10 minutes of his arrival home. It should be a hot meal (not sandwiches or something 'instant') and should consist of at least 3 courses including a dessert.
5. After dinner, allow him time to catch up on his reading, or the latest sportscast on television while you do the dishes.
6. When Bo's ready, gently approach him and ask him if there's anything you "can DO for him."
7. Give in to Bo's every sexual request, no matter how unusual or extreme it might be. If he requests other women to participate in his evening's particular fantasy, gladly oblige him by asking your single girlfriends to join your activities.
8. Be sure to let Bo rest and recover after you've fully satisfied him. If he needs to watch the game on television in order to achieve this rest, excuse yourself from the room and prepare his favorite evening drink and bring it to him. Do not expect, nor ask Bo to cater to your sexual needs. Remember your place in the home.
9. If Bo chooses to go "out with the boys" after he's rested, let him go with your blessing. Remember, men need to spend quality time with their male friends, just as he had dedicated the early part of his evening to you as detailed above.

If you do these simple things, Bo will honor and love you. He will feed, nourish, clothe you, and be happy in his marriage. Fail him in these matters and you'll have no one to blame but yourself if your marriage is a struggle and you fail to find peace and contentment.



Ephesians 5:22-24

22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

[Ed Helicopter Jones]

Wait....what was the question again?

[I. Hustle]

Don't sweat the petty stuff... pet the sweaty stuff.

[2Blonde]

I don't have time to answer all the questions right now, but I'll tackle this one for now.

If you could go back and give a piece of advice to yourself in the first year of your marriage, what would it be.

Do your best to not think that every argument is a marriage-ender. Relax and realize that true strength in a marriage can only come from surviving some adversity. I know our first year, or two, was an emotional rollercoaster for me because we got married 6 months after we met, so we didn't have a lot of the perspective that comes from a relationship that had a lot of time before marriage. That being said, it was worth every disagreement! We have an amazing marriage and I'm still as crazy in love with him as I was 12 1/2 years ago.

[ploto]

AL-- maybe you just had unrealistic expectations- like some sort of fairy tale where it would all be perfect and easy. It seems that every little bump sends you into a panic like something is horribly wrong when it simply sounds like real life.