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I've lived in the city my entire life. Basically, the city is like living in some Russian novel. The weather is always obnoxiously hot, or freezing cold, but whatever the forecast, it always looks gray and miserable. The murder rate is ing terrible, the politicians are corrupt, and I've been stuck in the same traffic for the last fifteen years. Everybody is just a rotten and miserable sucker. Last Sunday, somebody on the bus tried to sell me lump crab meat out of his lunch bag. You can see it on people's faces, everybody walks around like they just returned from Vietnam.We pretend that Ray isn't a murdering weirdo head, but swear the Roethlisberger is a serial rapist.The fans need to thank the heavens that the NFL has a piss poor drug testing system too because if Suggs pissed in a cup it would melt. I can now bank on this y, ugly bag who beats up women & throws bleach on them while they hold infants to be the Raven that I can root against for the next several years. He was #2 on this list, but good ol uncle Ray Ray quit because he was old & had to go burn a white suit or something like that. I can now say that I won’t have to watch ESPN pre-game shows for Lewis on it either. I’d rather be strapped to the wing of the Challenger space shuttle then watch this phony butcher the English language.
Reader comments/emails are one of, if not the best things about deadspin
By the way, whenever you take a shot at Ray Lewis for the Atlanta stabbings, Ravens fans get all dismissive. You're still bringing that up? We're over it, you guys. NOW LET'S CRANK UP SOME DAUGHTRY AT THIS BARBECUE.
Detroit
http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...ons-1108073618
Your 2012 record: 4-12. And that's no ordinary 4-12 season for the Lions. This was a team that went 10-6 in 2011 before getting torched by the Saints in the playoffs. There was the illusion that this team had actually BUILT something, that they would be able to remain consistently successful, perhaps even, you know, improve. But not only did they go 4-12, they went 4-12 without anything catastrophic happening. Matt Stafford played the whole season. Megatron played the whole season. The core of young talent they assembled remained intact and just SUCKED. Even when the Lions do everything right, they still do nothing right. You could clone the 49ers and their coaching staff, put them in Lions uniforms, and they would still go 4-12. There is some kind of cosmic suck cloud that has enveloped them, that overtakes anything it comes into contact with.Why your team sucks:
Back in 1997, the NFL played the occasional Thursday Night game on TNT (with Mark May on color commentary, which was just terrible as you can imagine it being). Former Oiler Sean Jones was one of the studio guys, and I remember they were talking about the Lions and Jones blurted out, "This team just sucks right now." Jones only worked that one year in the studio, but I totally remember him saying that for some reason. You never hear an analyst say that a team "sucks," which is odd because so many of them do. Anyway, anytime I watch the Lions, I hear Jones in my head. This team just sucks right now. This team just sucks right now. This team just sucks right now. This team just sucks right now. Their suckiness is secondhand nature at this point.
The worst part is that they're sucking in an empty forest. There are still four major sports teams operating out of Detroit, acting as if nothing is wrong, as if they aren't residing in the only non-condemned structures within a 30-mile radius. Honestly, you may as well put an NFL team in ing Atlantis. There is no Detroit anymore. It's been lost to history, never to return. You don't see Major League Baseball keeping the Fort Wayne Kekiongas around, do you? No. Stop playing sports in an ancient ruin. It's creepy.
Football-wise, this wasn't a particularly good defensive team last season, especially when the refs gave running backs a second chance to get up and carry the ball against them. And now they've lost Cliff Avril, Kyle Vanden Bosch's red contact lenses, three defensive tackles, two corners, and 60 pints of blood. Oh, but Nick Fairley is still here to get injured for 10 weeks, and Ndamukong Suh will glare at the opposing team's offensive linemen until things just feel really uncomfortable.Travis:
People still wear in Charles Rogers, Roy Williams, Joey Harrington, and Kevin Jones jerseys to the games. It is as if Matt Millen has the same child porn pics on them that he did on Ford Sr.John:
Our offensive line and secondary are perfect metaphors for all the neighborhoods in Detroit that have been completely abandoned and left to the elements. I’m 21 years old, have horrible social skills, and have never gotten past first base with a girl. I still think I’m getting laid before the Lions win a ing playoff game.Steve:
You don't know suck until you've visited Detroit. Seriously, it's the only city in the United States with housing cheaper than a night's stay at a nice hotel, and it's still considered a bad investment. It literally takes a day for the police to come to your house if there's a break-in; even the burglars get burgled. The city of Detroit is the absolute only thing that the Lions are better than. Most cities have buffer zones between their bad neighborhoods and million dollar stadiums. Not Detroit. You can look across the street from Ford Field and see blown out windows in a 200 year old brick building with a spray-painted mural of a getting slapped by a pimp - but hey, at least she's making money.
The worst part is that the fans buy into the Lions. EVERY YEAR. Including myself. For whatever reason, we think a washed up running back, kicker who made a Youtube video, and a defensive end who's played less minutes of football than the average high school sop re were somehow the missing pieces. Oh yeah, that's what's going to get us over the hump, guys.
If my Lions ever want to win, they need to get the living out of ing Detroit. Move to Columbus, OH - a white collar area where all the Browns fans are just BEGGING for a reason to root for a different team. You cannot win in a city that was bred to lose.Rich:
If you are within 5 blocks of the stadium you are safe, anywhere outside of that area you had better be Snake Plissken to get out alive.
The Fords are just like everyone else. They blow in watch the game, get their 'Livin' In The D' on and then get the out before all the game time police presence disappears and the city returns to its usual scape. God I hate being a Lions fan.
ZODIAC MOTHER ER:
THE ONLY ING TIME MY OLD MAN EVER EXPRESSES ANY HOPE OR OPTIMISM IS WHEN FOOTBALL SEASON APPROACHES. “HEY THEYRE LOOKING PRETTY GOOD THIS YEAR. WHO KNOWS?” WHO KNOWS? I ING KNOW AND IVE ONLY BEEN WATCHING THIS ING TEAM HALF AS LONG AS HE HAS. SIX WEEKS INTO THE SEASON THOUGH HE FINALLY GETS IT. THE LIONS DO SOME DUMB AND HES BACK TO HIS POSTGAME RITUAL OF TRASHING THE PLACE IN A MOTHER ING RAGE AND GOING TO BED AT 5PM
POPS ONCE TOLD ME WITH AN IN INGEXPRESSABLY SAD SERIOUSNESS “I WONT REST IN PEACE UNTIL THE LIONS WIN A SUPER BOWL. I MAY BE DEAD WHEN IT HAPPENS BUT WHEN THEY WIN ONE I’LL KNOW.” SERIOUSLY HE TOLD ME THAT ONCE. AND THATS WHY I WILL DESPISE MATT MILLEN UNTIL MY DYING BREATH. MATT MILLEN STOLE EIGHT YEARS FROM MY FATHER. EIGHT LONG YEARS. AND IF I EVER SEE THAT EMIL MUZZ LOOKING MOTHER ER I’M GONNA COLLECT THAT DEBT TO THE ING SECOND
ING LIONS. A TEAM SO ING TY THAT IT MADE AN ARMY FIRST LIEUTENANT SAY IT I QUIT. WE LEVERAGE LEAGUE LEADERS INTO LOSING SEASONS AND ALLTIME GREATS INTO TOTAL MEDIOCRITY. WE REFLECT OUR CITY’S DYSFUNCTION MISMANAGEMENT MISERY AND PIGHEADED STUPIDITY LIKE A ING MIRROR AND WE ALWAYS KID OURSELVES THAT IT’S SOMEHOW GETTING BETTER. SQUEAKY FROMME WASNT AS DELUDED AS WE ARE
THIS IS A TEAM WITH A CULTURE SO ED UP THAT ONE OF THE BEST OFFENSIVE LINEMEN IN OUR TEAM HISTORY PROUDLY DECLARED THAT HE REPEATEDLY LET HIS QB GET DEMOLISHED BECAUSE HE DIDNT LIKE THE GUY. AND THIS WAS BACK WHEN WE ACTUALLY MADE THE ING PLAYOFFS ON A REGULAR BASIS IF YOUR IMAGINATION CAN CONJURE SUCH A CIR STANCE. THAT’S OUR LIONS: EVEN WHEN THEYRE FLAILING ON THE CUSP OF GREATNESS THEY STILL FIND TIME TO BACKBITE AND FUMBLE AROUND. WHATEVER IT TAKES TO UP AND LET EVERYBODY DOWN.
DRAFT PICKS BURNED LIKE AUTUMN LEAVES. CHARLES ROGERS CAPS HIS 12-GAME PROFESSIONAL CAREER BY THREATENING TO MURDER HIS MOTHER AND PASSING OUT IN HIS BOOTH AT ON THE BORDER IN NOVI LIKE A ING WINO. MIKE WILLIAMS SPENDS TWO YEARS FATTING AROUND IN DETROIT BEFORE GETTING FOLDED INTO A DOG TRADE WITH OAKLAND THAT ILLUSTRATED THE CONCEPT OF SUNK COST BETTER THAN ANY ECONOMICS TEXTBOOK EVER ING COULD.
AND ALL THE WHILE WERE ING AROUND WITH THESE LOSERS ANDRE JOHNSON AND DEMARCUS WARE ARE DOWN IN TEXAS RACKING UP ALLPRO HONORS LIKE REGGIE ROGERS RACKS UP VEHICULAR HOMICIDES AND BEN ROETHLISBERGER IS THE ALL-SEEING ALL-RAPING RINGBEARING FOOTBALL GOD OF YINZERLAND. THE MIND REELS
EVEN THE GOOD PICKS ARE WASTED IN THAT SPECIAL DETROIT WAY. MATTHEW STAFFORD? SURE THE ING GUY LOOKS LIKE HE SHOULD BE OUT LOOKING FOR ONE EYED WILLIE’S TREASURE BUT THE FACT IS HE’S THE FIRST LIONS QUARTERBACK IN DECADES THATS WORTH A BENT AND YET SOMEHOW AFTER FOUR YEARS IN THE LEAGUE AND A COUPLE SEASONS OF MONSTER STATS AND A PLAYOFF APPEARANCE HIS CAREER HIGHLIGHT REMAINS THAT TIME IN HIS ROOKIE YEAR WHEN HE PEELED HIMSELF OFF THE FIELD TO GET THE WIN IN A SHOOTOUT WITH BRADY ING QUINN OF ALL ING CLIPBOARD STANDS. IT WAS A FEAT OF HEROISM SO BOLD AND SO MEANINGLESS IT WAS LIKE RUNNING INTO A BURNING BUILDING TO SAVE A GOLDFISH. WE WENT 2-14 THAT YEAR AND WE STILL TALK ABOUT THAT GAME LIKE IT WAS OUR PERSONAL ING SEA OF HANDS.
COACHES COME TO DETROIT TO ING DIE AND OFTEN RIGHTLY SO. THAT ING IMBECILE MARTY MORNHINWEG FOR INSTANCE. ING GUY WINNING THE COIN TOSS THEN STUPE INGFYINGLY GIVING THE MOTHER ING BALL TO THE MOTHER ING ING BEARS WHO OF COURSE PROMPTLY SCORE. HE SHOULDVE BEEN COURT-MARTIALED AND EXECUTED RIGHT THEN AND ING THERE. EITHER THEN OR THAT TIME HE MADE SOME BIG PRODUCTION OF ROARING OUT OF PRACTICE ON HIS HARLEY LIKE HE WAS CLAY ING MORROW AND NOT SOME OVERPROMOTED DIP WITH NO BUSINESS WHATSOEVER MANNING THE CAPTAINS WHEEL. I CAN SCARCELY DREAM UP A MORE FITTING FOR AN ASSHOLE LIKE THAT THAN BEING TASKED WITH UNTANGLING THE LOW RENT QUARTERBACK CLUSTER IN THE JETS CAMP
THEN IT WAS STEVE MARIUCCI. THE MITT ROMNEY OF NFL COACHES. THAT BLAND WEATHERMAN VENEER OF COMPETENCE WITH THE UNMISTAKABLE AIR OF A MAN WHO WOULD RATHER BE ANY INGPLACE ELSE. DUDE ONLY CAME TO DETROIT AS A FAVOR TO HIS FAT STUPID FRIEND WHO WAS TOO ING DUMB TO TAKE CARE OF THINGS HIMSELF. KINDA LIKE NED STARK. TURNED OUT ABOUT THE SAME WAY FOR HIM TOO
AFTER THAT WAS MARINELLI BRINGING THE KIND OF DARK ARITHMETIC THAT TRANSFORMS 6-2 TO 7-9 TO 0-16. NOW ITS COACH SCHWARTZ SWIRLING DOWN THE DRAIN. HE TAKES HIS FASHION CUES FROM THE DOG WHISPERER AND ALL HE THINKS ABOUT ON GAMEDAY IS WHETHER HE SHOULD LISTEN TO BILLY SQUIER OR THE ING SCORPIONS. BUT AT LEAST HIS HEART’S IN IT. AND THAT PASSIONS GONNA SERVE HIM WELL IN A YEAR AFTER HES SCORED THAT PLUM ASSISTANT DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR GIG WITH THE JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS.
THESE ARE THE DETROIT ING LIONS WERE TALKING ABOUT. EVEN IF IT’S THE BEST CASE SCENARIO EVEN IF MY EVERY LAST ING ROCKHARD REGULAR SEASON FANTASY COMES TRUE IN THE END SOMEHOW THEY WILL UNDO IT ALL.
BECAUSE WHEN IT COMES TO THE DETROIT LIONS THERE IS NO FAIRY TALE. ITS ALL JUST A BIG JERKOFF. A SADISTIC ING TORTURE GAME PUT ON FOR THE AMUSEMENT OF MILLIONAIRES WITH MISTER RICTUS HIMSELF WILLIAM CLAY ING FORD SENIOR PULLING THE STRINGS. HA HA MADE YA CARE!
UGH. ING LIONS.
^
and I thought I knew NFL pain
what?!? you appear to have a pats logo under your name, that doesn't make any sense^
and I thought I knew NFL pain
Da Bears http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...ars-1121358012
Your coach: CFL refugee Marc Trestman. I was in Chicago this spring and talking with a friend of mine who was a Bears fan.
HIM: Have you seen Marc Trestman? Like, actually looked at him?
ME: No.
HIM: He's ing creepy, man. Just creepy as .
ME: Really?
HIM: Really.
So I went and looked for video of Marc Trestman looking creepy, and here it is!
The glasses do him no favors.
Trestman is the first CFL head coach to be hired as an NFL head coach in over 30 years. The last one was Frank Kush, who went 0-8-1 in his first season with the Colts. Trestman hasn't been in the NFL for seven years. His last stint was as an assistant on a Tampa team that went 4-12. You never want to make a coaching hire that Al Davis plausibly could have made.
All this was done in the name of "bolstering the offense" (offenses in the NFL are often bolstered). Hiring an offensive "guru" is always a bad idea, particularly when he's an untested Canadian import whose last five seasons were spent coaching in a tinker-toy football league. Trestman has floated the idea of running a read option with Jay Cutler. Have you SEEN Jay Cutler run? Old men blocking the grocery store aisle move with more urgency.Your one fantasy player everyone will hate: Alshon Jeffery. He's the guy getting talked up in camp. The guy who gets talked up in camp always ends up sucking. Always. I've wasted a lot of time in fantasy football waiting for supposedly talented receivers to break through (Josh Reed is a prime example), and I know damn well that if I draft Jeffery, he'll break an ankle in Week 2 and subsequently gain a hundred pounds.Why your team sucks: Now that the Blackhawks have won their second Stanley Cup in four years, here is your revised list of a typical white Chicagoan's cheering priorities:
1. Cubs
2. Bill Murray, if attending a Cubs game
3. "The Kubs," Chicagoland's favorite troupe of Cubs impersonators!
4. 1985 Bears
5. Steve Bartman's future assassin
6. Derrick Rose (NOTE: only if willing to play in pain)
7. Teachers' union
8. Blackhawks
9. Proving they were Blackhawks fans prior to 2010
10. Current, actual Bears
9,078. White Sox
The dirty secret of Chicago fans is that it takes very little for them to not give a about the Bears. The Bears are a consistently mediocre team run by Miss Havisham, and they play in a windblown mausoleum by the toxic-coal-ash dump known as Lake Michigan. If Chicagoans can find any excuse to ignore the Bears—Derrick Rose, a mayoral election, some leftover sausage in the fridge—they'll take it.
And now Brian Urlacher is gone. URRRRRRLAYYYYYKURRRRRR. That means that Bears fans have lost their one, limp emotional connection to the franchise. Urlacher was everything your average Bears fan thinks he is but isn't: tough, understated, sexually active. You won't find a better white-fanboy object of affection this side of Wes Welker. A fan in an Urlacher jersey is the kind of guy who will drunkenly walk into you, spill your beer, and then challenge you to a fight.
It's keeping in line with a city that fancies itself more sophisticated than its Midwest counterparts, which is like bragging that you were employee of the month at Long John Silver's. I've lived in Chicago. The typical resident is a 5,000-pound Pole who wears stirrup pants to Marshall Field's. All the fancy architecture in the world can't cover up the fact you're a city of fat humps.Patrick:
For the most part, Chicago is a decent place. But the thing that truly hold us back? We collectively have this small-minded, provincial mindset that we can't seem to comprehend anything further than a couple hour's drive away.
Call out out city's crime? "Gary is way worse!"
ty government? "Well, you're welcome to move to Detroit!"
The list of cities the average spherical shaped man from Palo Heights will cite as "not as good as Chicago" continues: Milwaukee. St. Louis. Des Moines.
And here's the joke: Chicago's real rivals are cities like Seoul or Frankfurt. We have to compete with those cities for corporate headquarters or cultural attractions, and time after time we come up lacking. Our ty airport(s). Our crumbling education system. Our massive gun violence epidemic.
So how does this pertain to your preview of the Chicago Bears? Because for the first time we deigned to roll the dice on an offensive minded coach and bet everything on Jay Cutler and the passing game. And when it fails (and it will), our fan base will once again demonstrate our complete lack of awareness of trends and changes going on out elsewhere in the world outside the midwest. We'll piss and moan that we didn't build around the run for January. Or we just didn't play traditional, "smashmouth" football like Halas/Ditka/God intended.
We'll limp into the playoffs, get housed by some team with a mobile quarterback and a modern system, let Trestman hang around for a year or two, then go right back to a retread defensive coordinator who promises to go back to classic "Bears football" in order to "beat the Packers" and please our myopic half-manatee fans.Dutch:
Here's a fun drinking game: try to name all the quarterbacks that started for the Bears during the time Brett Favre was the starting quarterback of the Packers. Take a shot for each one you miss. No one ever names them all (there's at least 21). Most give up halfway, finish a bottle of Malört as punishment, drunkenly google the full list, then reminisce. I always remember Moses Moreno, never remember Dave Krieg. How about when Kordell Stewart was under center? That was fun. Cade McNown? Bad at football, good at getting himself kicked out of the Playboy Mansion. Bonus points for throwing out Jim Harbaugh, though. I can't tell you how many people in Chicago take credit for the Niners' recent success just because Jimmy was once a member of our esteemed quarterback carousel. DOSE NINERS, DEY PLAY BEARS FOOTBALL, they say, which is hilarious because Bears football is letting Rex Grossman take snaps under center only to fumble/throw the ball into a defensive lineman's nutsack because that's how tall Rex Grossman is and our offensive line is coached to step out of the way and let the quarterback get destroyed.GB:
Here's life as Jay Cutler explained in terms of Illinois's finest 24-hour burger joints:
SINGLE BURGER: The Bears traded away Greg Olson - their only successful first-round pick since their trip to the Super Bowl - because the voices in Mike Martz's head told him that every time a tight end catches a pass, an angel loses its wings.
DOUBLE BURGER: Before Brandon Marshall's arrival last year, the Bears' receiving corps was headlined by Earl Bennett, Johnny Knox and Devin "HEY GUYS DID YOU KNOW THAT CATCHING A PASS AND FIELDING A KICK ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS" Hester. Cutler somehow managed to make Bennett and Knox look like NFL-grade receivers despite the fact that they would have been #5 options on real offenses.
TRIPLE BURGER WITH FRIES - Cutler consistently leads the league in sacks taken, thanks to an O-line anchored by J'Marcus Webb, scouts and coaches that turned two first-round tackles into diddley and squat, and a rotating cast of turnstiles at guard. The two best O-linemen during Cutler's tenure in Chicago have been the carcass of Orlando Pace and the geriatric Roberto Garza, both of whom were drafted before the NSA acquired the right and the capability to read this email, and whose Pro Bowl years were well behind them.
And I haven't even mentioned the coaching! Starting with Lovie Smith, who's about as interested in his offense's performance as Buddy Ryan was, continually vowing to "get off the bus running." His offensive co-ordinators were Mike Martz, who attempted to run the Greatest Show on Turf with none of the talent he had in St. Louis. The O-line couldn't protect Cutler long enough to finish his seven-step drops, which didn't stop Martz from calling them by the dozen. After Martz left, Mike Tice was promoted from offensive line coach to OC because why the not.
But if Cutler had shown CHICAGO TOUGHNESS and continued playing (poorly) on a shredded MCL, everything would be fine.
I'm not surprised that Cutler has taken to yelling at everyone else associated with this show of an offense. I'm just surprised that he hasn't taken to drink, or attempted to axe-murder Chris Williams on the sidelines.
Definitely one of the best e-mail sections so far
The list of cities the average spherical shaped man from Palo Heights
The Vikings are the heroin of the NFL, and being a Vikings fan is a bit like being Ewan McGregor’s character in Trainspotting. You want to kick the habit, but things just keep getting in the way. Sure, a 15-1 season feels good for awhile, but then a dead baby shows up and misses the game winning field goal in the NFC le game. Then, you pick up Brett Favre, which is like picking up the hottest girl in the club and having mind-blowing sex with her all the way to another NFC le game, only to have Tracy Porter come in and tell you that she’s only 15. The basis of which is used to basically blackmail you for the entire next season. And the people around you are no help….You have the Packers, who think they’re better than everyone else, and always have some kind of scheme going to win the Super Bowl. They annoy the out of you, and you enjoy nothing more than seeing them get ed over. Basically, if Sick Boy and Begbie had a love child, it would be the Green Bay Packers. The Bears try heroin once, contract HIV and it defines their whole existence. The Lions, you actually feel bad for, because all they do is pass out right as they’re about to get laid, only to wake up the next morning having the bed. In the end, as a Vikings fan, you end up walking around mumbling to yourself about how it’s going to get better.
http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...ers-1148710183
One of the better ones and just when you think the emails can't get any better....
But the worst, the absolute worst thing about this fanbase is how little they actually know about football and the rest of the NFL. Not only do they walk around on Sundays with their jerseys wondering aloud "WHAT TIME IS DA GAME ON?" "WHO DO WE PLAY TODAY?" "OH, CARDINALS? DEYR PRETTY GOOD, YAH?" but they act as if football doesn't matter if it's not a Packer game. Seriously. Try talking to them about another team, a certain scheme, the way a certain player is doing that season, and you'll just hear "OH YA, I LOVE MY GREEN BAY PECKERS."
These people suck.The only difference between Mason Crosby and Nate Kaeding is that Crosby hasn't been put in playoff situations in which he'd pee down his leg.They have to be the first professional team in the history of football to have an offensive line that is worse than the one belonging to a college team in the same state. It'll be fun watching our two highly touted rookie running backs get blown up behind the line on every other run. Also, Dom Capers has to have a gay-midget orgy sex tape of Ted Thompson that he is blackmailing him with.Every year, without question, a village of 300 pound idiots flock to see the only black guys they know bang heads and ride children's bicycles from their locker rooms to the practice field.
Oh, and Jermichael Finley couldn't catch gonorrhea if he swam through an ocean of Tara Reid's ass sweat.
It's so bad that I've spent the last 10 plus years making excuses Sunday afterSunday to avoid watching games with the mouth-breathing Packers fans so as to avoid wanting to punch my friends in their thick ing cheese-fortified skulls for their manifest destiny-esque disbelief towards rules counting against "their" (yes, every asshole in the state uses pronouns like they are on the team, and if you call them on it, the stupid mother ers will no doubt pull out their $200 dollar waste of paper "owners" stock. If only I could take enough s in my life to wipe my ass on every ing utterly worthless stock certificate I would have lived a fulfilled life.) great Packers.
And that Lambeau is the greatest stadium in the NFL bull . Try telling me that after you spent 3-4 hours wedged sideways between 2 350 pounders who reek of cheap beer, whiskey, B.O. and dead squirrels (last night's dinner) because the ing bleacher seats have no line a demarcation you can nudge their FUPS across to claim your own stake. On top of that, you have to listen to the orca's blatant lack of a sense of reality as they try to convince themselves that it is just a fluke that Kapernick/Perterson/any somewhat compenent NFL player gashes the Packers non-existent defense for 200 plus yards and things will change when Dom dials up a new defense in the second half or when the refs "stop favoring the other team."
Ever been to Green Bay in the offseason? It's a ghost town with the occasional fat ass alcoholic zombie stumbling out of an abandoned building.AJ Hawk couldn't run down my diabetes-riddled grandmother and BJ Raji is an overrated piece of . The only qualification for being a head coach of the Green Bay Packers is looking like a ing walrus. Oh, and our run game has sucked ass for the last three seasons. Our head coach just named DuJuan Harris is our starting RB. DuJuan Harris got cut by the ing Jaguars. Eddie Lacy is THAT fat.Mike McCarthy has gone on record saying his dream job would have been a NASCAR driver.They won't let you into Lambeau with a BMI less than 29.I've been a Packers fan my entire life, and it continues to astonish me how idiotic the fans are. For instance, prior to the team signing Vince Young as a veteran backup, people were persistently calling local sports radio shows insisting that the best option for a backup quarterback available is JAMARCUS ING RUSSELL. Even when the hosts calmly explained that Russell was terrible and even read his career stat line - essentially failure personified - still people continued to press the matter by saying that he "has a cannon arm" and "he's lost weight." I suppose that's to be expected when half your fan base are bona fide alcoholics and the other half are just unbelievably fat people who think IHOP is where you go when you're on a diet.Watch the Green Bay nightly news sometime to learn all you need to about the Packers' fan base. A few weeks ago, their LEAD STORY was about the heat at training camp. They covered the Ryan Braun story with what AARON RODGERS FANS felt about it. I swear to ing Christ, they even led with the news of Reggie White's death on the same day the 2004 tsunami was dragging about 5 trillion people into the Indian Ocean. They covered Brett Favre's first trip back to Green Bay as a Viking like it was the goddamn Kennedy assassination and 9/11 all rolled into one.
I grew up a Packers fan and still watch every week, but after thirty years of this , I have to admit that I actually root against them most of the time. Just to watch those fat s moan like the devil when they lose. I grew up HATING the Vikings, yet it was one of the biggest let-downs of my sports-watching life when Favre threw that interception in the 2010 NFC le game. If he could have taken the Vikes to the Super Bowl and won, Lake Michigan would have turned red from the blood of a million instant suicides and I would have ed strawberry ice cream nonstop for a year.
The Chargers
Your team: San Diego Chargers
Your 2012 record: 7-9, which is actually kind of better than I remember them being. I totally thought they had gone 4-12. Either way, if you have to go 0-16 in order to purge your franchise of AJ Smith and Norv Turner for good, you do what you have to do. AJ Smith was the absolute worst.
Your coach: Mike McCoy, who could go 2-14 and blow up a church this season and still be liked by Chargers fans simply for not being Norv Turner. It's like the grace period after winning a Super Bowl. No team that fires Norv Turner has ever come to regret it. Norv was the coach of this team for six seasons, but six seasons under Norv feels like 38. You poor, poor bas s.
Anyway, McCoy comes to the Chargers after a stint in Denver in which he milked all of the Magic Jesus Powers out of Tim Tebow. He'll need to pull that trick off one more time, because his new quarterback is...
Your quarterback: Neo-Promise Keeper Philip Rivers, aka Marmalard, aka King Laserface. I watched the Chargers game last night and within three seconds of tuning in, Marmalard had already thrown a pick and was in the ref's grill with his arms outstretched in his best THE , BRO?! stance. I'd give anything for someone to post a Vine of Rivers getting redassed at his local Walmart clerk. It would be a thing of majesty. His temper is like clockwork. I want him to retire, join the Monday Night Football booth, and spend the entire broadcast yelling, "Well, that is just , right there. THAT IS A PLAY."
Rivers is now 31 years old. He has 26 children and no functional knees or shoulders. He is done. So very done. Every game this season will feature him turning the ball over three times in the first 57 minutes of play, then furiously racking up 200 yards in the final three minutes of a blowout to help get his fantasy score out of negative integers. His receiving options include a healthy stable of #4 wideouts and Antonio Gates' two club feet.EmWhy your team sucks: Keep in mind that this is an organization that was fully prepared to continue employing Medieval Barber David Chao as team doctor before his transgressions were made public early this year. In the face of evidence that Chao wrote illegal prescriptions, botched numerous surgeries, got arrested for DUI (twice!) and generally acted like a real life Dr. Giggles, the Chargers let him stick around until the end of JUNE, which is completely insane, legal wrangling or not. Three players on this team have already suffered season-ending injuries in camp, which suggests that the Chargers have replaced Chao with Dr. Charo, his non-union Mexican equivalent.
Despite the fact that the Chargers have finally hired a new head coach and GM, the team's deepest problems remain exactly the same. They play in a stadium. They are constantly on the verge of skipping town. They have a rapidly-aging QB who is one season away from the Carson Palmer tier of washed-up journeymen. And they have one of the NFL's many, many Tommy Boys for an owner. Dean Spanos, still operating in the shadow of his not-dead-yet father, acts with all the urgency of a temp nurse at an assisted living complex. He let Smith drive virtually everyone talented out of town, and now McCoy is left with one of the absolute worst rosters in the NFL.
Remember those early Norv years when people would stupidly pick the Chargers to make the Super Bowl because they were just so gosh darn talented on paper? No one's doing that this year. The offensive line is a train wreck. The best skill position player on the roster could very well be ing Danny Woodhead. OMG FACKIN' WOODHEAD HE'S GAWT A MOTAH! The secondary is a disaster. The special teams remain historically atrocious. The two most notable names on defense are Dwight Freeney—here to cash in his golden parachute—and a slow, undersized linebacker who got busted for having a fake dead girlfriend. Having a fake dead girlfriend is a poor fit for this organization, because it generally trades in real dead players. Signing with the Chargers instantly downgrades your lifespan by a solid 10 years.
By the way, San Diego has the nicest weather on Earth, and yet no one lives there. And this is because it sucks. It's the Tampa of California. Half of its population consists of Navy plebes who will accuse you of being gay within seven seconds of you walking into a local tavern. The rest of the city is populated by bodybuilders and dental hygienists. You have to work hard to make a town this lovely this uninhabitable.
Everyone in San Diego is pretty excited about the fact that Norv Turner is gone, but what they're all conveniently forgetting, is that ALL OF OUR ING TALENT IS GONE TOO. We wasted basically six years where we could have competed for a championship because our head coach was the before picture in an Accutane ad. We currently have almost no good players, so it doesn't matter how ing good our new head coach or GM are, because they have dog to work with.
Meanwhile, we have the least mobile quarterback in the NFL, so naturally we let go of every single offensive lineman that was worth two s. Now every ing time Philip gets the ball he looks like a french fry being tossed in to a pit of seagulls. And let's not forget that he's the face of our franchise and he decided to use that capital to support "not ing"(insert youtube clip of his abstinence video) and Rick Santorum. SOLID ONE-TWO TO THROW YOUR WEIGHT BEHIND, HEAD. Also, Ryan Matthews and our dumb local announcers who keep referring to him as "The Ryan Matthews experiment." He's a ty running back we drafted in the first round, not the Large Hadron Collider.We've stumbled ass backwards into 2 World Series and 1 Super Bowl, and each time we were completely outmatched and summarily slaughtered. And we don't have any college sports to fall back on. But nobody cares, because our teams suck in nice weather.Ryan Leaf over Peyton Manning.
Ryan Leaf over Peyton Manning.
Ryan Leaf over Peyton Manning.
Not only did we draft Ryan Leaf over Peyton Manning, we traded picks to get him.
There is literally no draft pick in the history of the NFL that compares to this pick. It has become the draft pick that all bad draft picks are measured against. When someone makes a horrible draft pick, for the rest of history the question is "was that pick as bad as the Ryan Leaf draft?"
And every time Peyton lifted a trophy with his horse-faced grin, it was basically just a middle finger to San Diego. Papa Manning even rubbed it in by having the Billy Baldwin of the NFL, young Eli, refuse to play in San Diego when we drafted him.
Also, our O-Line is complete garbage every season and our QB can't scramble to save his life so he throws up picks and gets sacked on almost every down.The average Chargers fan can be summed up by this story, which took place at the Chiefs game a few years back. We had seats on the 50, about twelve rows up. Halfway through the second quarter, a 40ish divorcee and her decades younger boyfriend come stumbling into our aisle searching for their seats. The done-up harpy began screaming at me that I was in their seats, a notion that did not dissipate even when I showed her my tickets. They finally figured out that they were actually in the seats next to us, at which point she left to get more beer. The guy was wearing flip-flops, a monster fitted cap (with the sticker still on, so you know its officially licensed) and no shirt, then gives my wife the ol' -eyes and starts rubbing his nipples.
Finally, they both leave before the fourth quarter. our fans.Without a doubt the only good thing that will come from this season for Charger fans like me is the shots of the sideline not being plastered with the botched vaginoplasty known as Norv Turner's hideous neck.
Also, Manti Te'o
Why are Chargers fans beating the team up for the Ryan Leaf pick? Didn't they have the #2 pick that year, meaning Manning was already taken by Indy #1? Maybe I'm forgetting something tbh
Yes, Peyton went first overall.... where we really ed up that year, though, was by beating the Colts that season and letting them get the #1 pick instead of us, tbh.... then again, Beathard was so re ed that he'd probably have still taken Leaf anyway...
Oaktown
Your 2012 record: 4-12. I bet the people at NFL Films seriously considered doing the season highlights video using sock puppets just to e things up. They know a lemon when they see it. In the past 10 years, the Raiders have lost 11 or more games eight times. The Tom Cable/Hue Jackson Years represent the apex of your past decade. Having fans who dress up like a third-tier ECW tag team does nothing to mask this team’s suck.
By the way, that was the team’s first full season under new management. I keep waiting for Mark Davis to pull his scalp off and reveal that his father’s brain was transplanted into his skull upon death.
Your coach: Dennis Allen. Who is he? Do we know if he’s an actual person and not simply a cardboard cutout of a stock photo placed along the sidelines in a shrewd cost-cutting maneuver? He strikes me as useless in a Pat Shurmur kind of way.
Your quarterback: (spins wheel) Oh hey, it’s millionaire Wally Pipp impersonator Matt Flynn! Flynn takes over for the departed Carson Palmer. And since the Raiders exhausted roughly five entire drafts to acquire Carson Palmer and Terrelle Pryor, Flynn’s supporting cast consists of the leftover parts of Darren McFadden plus a host of wideouts acquired from a nearby kennel.
Your one fantasy player everyone will hate: McFadden, who deserves some kind of reward for sustained non-excellence over such an extended period of time. I want all of McFadden’s decent career performances stricken from the record as a matter of principle. The day this guy logs his 250th carry of the season is the day I grow a penis out of my forehead.Why your team sucks: If you never read Jim Trotter’s SI piece on how the Raiders fell into massive disrepair under Al Davis, prepare to be not-at-all shocked. This team didn’t even have a greenskeeper until a year ago. Afghanistan can be rebuilt quicker than this flaming wreck. No wonder they have such a terrible roster: GM Reggie McKenzie has had to spend the past year sweeping old toenails out of the attic. They have no quarterbacks. Their running corps is strictly a theoretical exercise. They lost their best wideout in the offseason, which is a terrifying thought because Darrius Heyward-Bey shouldn’t even be the best receiver on a ing Arena League team. Josh Cribbs is now the team’s best wideout, which is bad because he doesn’t even really play wideout.
So desperate are the Raiders for good personnel that they willingly spent a first round pick on a dude who is one freak hit away from vomiting up his own aorta. They signed Charles Woodson (who, given his injury history, will likely just take road games off to rest) and he immediately became, by far, the best player on the roster. At least under Al, there was some fun to be had in the Raiders’ wretchedness. They were bad AND evil, which was mildly amusing. Now they’re the Jaguars with nicer unis. I miss Al’s overhead projector.
We did this preview last year and I said that all Raiders fans were just dip posers. I would like to issue a correction to that: They’re for real, all right. They aren’t pretending to be violent, horrible people. They ARE violent, horrible people. In addition to leaving the team a roster devoid of talent, Al Davis also screwed over the Raiders by catering specifically to the tiny, Tea Party-with-machetes lunatic fringe of his fanbase. The Raiders have pandered to the denizens of the Black Hole pretty much at the expense of everyone else in the stadium: women, children, people who won’t mistake your mouth for a urinal, etc. Be sure to attend Knife Night this year! You get five bucks off your ticket if you bring your knife!
Under Davis, the Raiders were PROUD to play in a stadium that looks and feels like a ing prison, and they did virtually nothing—certainly not football-wise—to win over people who just wanted to root for a normal team and not a ing chapter of the Sons of Anarchy. It’ll take McKenzie years and years to undo the damage, and that’s assuming he’s even good enough to do the job. He might very well not be. He might be worthless.Omar:
We as drunk, belligerent and irrationally defensive and paranoid as Pats fans only without the success and east coast ESPN bias to make us universally insufferable as opposed to the minority we are.Stefan:
Over the years I have punched holes in walls, threatened fraternity houses with metal pipes, backhanded fellow college students and berated girlfriends as a direct result of my football team's on the field performance. Obviously, I am a Raiders fan.
Dennis Allen makes Art S look engaged and then there's the money quote from the official Raiders camp trailer on Raiders.com: "We're trying to compete now." -Reggie McKenzie. No Reggie, no ing .Mike:
I'm a paramedic in Oakland and for home games we set up like it’s a planned MCI (Multi Casualty Incident, like a plane crash or a bombing). This is because thousands of grown men are going to drink Tecate to the point of pissing themselves and being unable able to walk down the decaying stadium steps of the Coliseum. They will also try to fight each other and fall down and get boo boos on their bald heads. Or worse yet they will scream at a child wearing a Seahawks jersey and get beat down by his dad.Cameron:
At least training camp is in wine country.
http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...ers-1148710183
One of the better ones and just when you think the emails can't get any better....
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