Are you happy?

[easjer]

Hey, just saw and wanted to respond.

I consider myself a happy person, right now anyway. Last year, the past couple of years really, I was stuck in life. Applied for jobs I didn't get, couldn't get out there the experience I had or why I would be a good fit despite my ty job le and the fact that my work experience wasn't immediately, evidently transferable.

I was overweight, but unable to do much about it (though my eating disorder was under control). I was unhappy at work, as over and over again things didn't change. I was stressed out about money, about our debt and about being unable to pursue the things I really wanted in life. It was a deep rut and while tried a few times to get out of it, things weren't happening and my efforts weren't paying off and it left me unhappy and unable to enjoy things I enjoyed.

I wouldn't say I was totally unhappy - because I had happy days, and I still enjoyed life, and I loved being with my husband and got pleasure from things I enjoyed doing like gardening or watching the Spurs or reading a new book. But it was rarer, harder to come by, and like you, was affecting my interactions with people.

The big difference was simply a change for me. It was the change I'd been waiting for, and it came from outside (though I was already making changes when it came - I was getting out of that soul-sucking job one way or another - though I was about to head into a similar soul sucking job). Seriously everything changed once I got my new job. I felt better about myself, I am so less stressed out, the money situation is a lot better, and I finally had the freedom and motivation to get going on my body, which has made SUCH a difference (in health, in well being, emotionally in how I feel about myself).

I'm happier in general now. I enjoy something every day, and not just in an abstract way. I am more pleasant to be around (my new coworkers think I'm a very cheerful, bubbly person - my old ones thought I could be very moody), and just generally feel happy with my life and myself.

Something a friend told me then was that I'd make some changes and when I did, something else would happen. But that for her and everyone she knew, it was SO hard to make changes when big things were not great. When it was rock bottom, easy to make changes because you have nothing to lose, when things are great, it's easy to make changes because you feel optimistic about the potential outcomes. But when you are in the mediocre middle - it sucks. Because you don't have quite enough incentive and you don't want to make things worse - so it is much harder to make changes. I think that is sort of where you are now.

Do I think people can choose to be happy or sad? Yes, to some extent. Obviously, things happen in life that will be sad or hurtful. I would not be happy for some time when my mother or husband or dear friend dies - but you can choose to some extent to try and be happy. You don't have to dwell on the bad stuff in your like or how things are not going the way you hoped. You don't have to see the glass as half empty. You can choose to find things and do things that make you happy or teach yourself to leave it all behind you at the office or at home or whatever.

It's not always easy, but you can find some peace or contentment, even in hard cir stances, and I think it's better in the long run if you can do that. Life is so short, you know? It sucks to waste it on things outside of your control (says the worry-wart) or on being sad when you don't have to be.

I do think that some things like regular exercise can help tremendously. Things like yoga and meditation and regular massage (or whatever else you find relaxing) can make a big difference in your life. If you are religious - pray. If you are not, meditate. Taking time to restore balance and peace in some way can make a huge difference in your mental outlook. It's been shown that people who exercise regularly are less depressed and less affected by depression. So trying those things can help some.

I personally believe that it starts with you making a decision to break out of your inertia and start a positive change, and after that - you find your way. A door opens, and opportunity arises, things happen and you find your path in life - and when you find your path, that is when you find happiness and contentment.

Good luck, honey.

[Ballcox]

Wow, good question-should get some interesting responses from all the varied personalities on this board.

For me, I feel that for my whole life up until the present I've always been happy. Sometimes I almost begin to feel guilty about being in a good mood/happy most of the time. I start to wonder it it's abnormal, sounds kind of crazy when I think about it.

I do believe it's a choice we make, but it also relates to a number of different areas in our lives. Are we achieving goals we set? Are we happy in our marriage/family relationships? Is our job rewarding/enjoyable? Is our lifestyle matching up with our own values, beliefs, morals, etc.?

I think these and other areas of our lives that we feel are important have a huge impact on happiness in general. I hope you can make the changes you need in order to regain some of that daily happiness.

[J.T.]

RuffnReadyOzStyle

I feel the same. I'm generally an unhappy person because of the situation I'm in, which I won't reiterate since everyone knows the road I went down. Of course I do things that make me feel happy temporarily, like play my guitars, listen to some good music, go drinking with friends, etc, but the unhappiness is still there. No matter what I do, it's always on my mind. Right now, I am VERY close to paying off my debts, which is where a majority of my unhappiness come from. I plan to work my ass off in the summer months, which should provide enough to make the final payments. That would alleviate most if not all of the stress that makes me unhappy. But I do think we all go through something like this in our lives. It may or may not be the same problems, but I think we all experience this feeling that I've held for the past three or four months. Mostly I just wish I could make time go by faster to get this all over with. Hope to see you on the other side, brother.

[ATRAIN]

RuffnReadyOzStyle

I feel the same. I'm generally an unhappy person of the situation I'm in, which I won't reiterate since everyone knows the road I went down. Of course I do things that make me feel happy temporarily, like play my guitars, listen to some good music, go drinking with friends, etc, but the unhappiness is still there. No matter what I do, it's always on my mind. Right now, I am VERY close to paying off my debts, which is where a majority of my unhappiness come from. I plan to work my ass off in the summer months, which should provide enough to make the final payments. That would alleviate most if not all of the stress that makes me unhappy. But I do think we all go through something like this in our lives. It may or may not be the same problems, but I think we all experience this feeling that I've held for the past three or four months. Mostly I just wish I could make time go by faster to get this all over with. Hope to see you on the other side, brother.

Im happy when I see JT's Banner and the one he hooked me up with!!

[spurschick]

At this particular moment, I'm unhappy. Some guy side-swiped me as I was driving back from lunch and took off my driver side mirror. He seemed a little off, but the police officer didn't seem to care, even when the guy went out through the entrance driveway at the Quarry where we had pulled over. He could have easily caused another accident and I was really surprised that the officer didn't follow him.

And since when do people have to fill out their own accident reports?! We waited in the hot sun for over an hour for an officer to show up, hand me a form and ask me to fill it out myself?!

On the other side, I guess I'm happy that it wasn't a lot worse.

[ALVAREZ6]

I'm happy, but just because my year is going very well.

Other years I'd say 50-50

[angel_luv]

At this particular moment, I'm unhappy. Some guy side-swiped me as I was driving back from lunch and took off my driver side mirror. He seemed a little off, but the police officer didn't seem to care, even when the guy went out through the entrance driveway at the Quarry where we had pulled over. He could have easily caused another accident and I was really surprised that the officer didn't follow him.

And since when do people have to fill out their own accident reports?! We waited in the hot sun for over an hour for an officer to show up, hand me a form and ask me to fill it out myself?!

On the other side, I guess I'm happy that it wasn't a lot worse.

I am so sorry to hear about your accident.

I was upset at having to fill out my own info when I was hit a year ago Feb.
Thank God my mom was there to help me because I was super stressed.

The policeman said something about only being there to hand out paperwork... that police didn't officially assign blame in the accident or anything like that.
I remember saying, " Well, what good are you then?"
Luckily the policeman was out of my hearing and my mom corralled me before I could repeat the comment.


Sorry again for your bad afternoon!

[thispego]

RuffnReadyOzStyle

I feel the same. I'm generally an unhappy person because of the situation I'm in, which I won't reiterate since everyone knows the road I went down. Of course I do things that make me feel happy temporarily, like play my guitars, listen to some good music, go drinking with friends, etc, but the unhappiness is still there. No matter what I do, it's always on my mind. Right now, I am VERY close to paying off my debts, which is where a majority of my unhappiness come from. I plan to work my ass off in the summer months, which should provide enough to make the final payments. That would alleviate most if not all of the stress that makes me unhappy. But I do think we all go through something like this in our lives. It may or may not be the same problems, but I think we all experience this feeling that I've held for the past three or four months. Mostly I just wish I could make time go by faster to get this all over with. Hope to see you on the other side, brother.

JT do you know a girl named Stephanie Williams in San marcos?

[Sunshine]

I agree with timvp. Happy more than sad is an understatement for me. I think I'm almost always happy, especially the last couple of years. I go through bouts of sadness just like anyone does, but it's usually over a specific event, not life in general. I credit my happiness to a loving, supportive partner and two wonderful kids who would make any mom proud.

Life is good.

[CuckingFunt]

Something a friend told me then was that I'd make some changes and when I did, something else would happen. But that for her and everyone she knew, it was SO hard to make changes when big things were not great. When it was rock bottom, easy to make changes because you have nothing to lose, when things are great, it's easy to make changes because you feel optimistic about the potential outcomes. But when you are in the mediocre middle - it sucks. Because you don't have quite enough incentive and you don't want to make things worse - so it is much harder to make changes. I think that is sort of where you are now.

I loved your whole post, but could relate to this paragraph in particular. That's exactly where I was before finally making the commitment to get back in school -- I knew I didn't want my crappy job to become my career, knew I didn't want to have settled in the city I was in, knew I didn't want to have had done all I was going to do before I even hit 30, knew that there was more out there waiting for me; BUT, also loved my modest-yet-supportive group of friends, loved having material comfort, having my bills paid, and owning a fantastic house.

I was happy during that time, really happy for much of it in fact, but also terrified of pursuing the better at the expense of the good. I've found over the last few months, however, that as soon as I took that first step, a lot of that fear went away because it strengthened by faith in myself. Now I know that if things do get worse, I'll be able to do something about it, and I was never 100% sure of that before.

[manufor3]

50-50

[Don Quixote]

I just now saw this thread. All I have read so far is your post.
I wanted to be sure to respond to you.

All my hope and happiness is rooted in my faith.
I wish you lived here so you could visit my church with me.
Since you don't, I encourage you to find a Bible believing congregation of your own.
I know going to church for the first time makes a lot of people nervous, but so did going to school, getting a bike etc.
Aren't you glad now that you did?
You didn't know you were going to love your favorite restaurant until you tried it.

To finish answeing your question, this is how I keep happy:
Every day I make it a point to 1) recognize all the ways I am already blessed
and 2) trust that God is working out all the rest in my favor.

I hope this helps you! I will pray for you.

And a model! This is my kind of girl.

[DisgruntledLionFan#54,927]

Honestly, I don't think about it. I'm not married, don't have a girlfriend and I don't think about that either. I hate what I do for work, but I've accepted it as mine and mine alone. I don't think about much that I can't control, to be honest with you. I just float along and enjoy the time I'm able to spend with my family here and abroad. I like to keep things simple and it works for me.

I prefer to be bitter and/or jaded anyway. I'm not a big fan of people.

[NorCal510]

emo thread

[thispego]

he got to know her Twice last night

she says she knows a dude named JT, i dunno

[RuffnReadyOzStyle]

CF - when I framed this thread I was thinking about inner happiness, not outer “perkiness”. Your story about depression is interesting, and I understand depression myself because I have witnessed it first-hand. Depression is a many-flavoured beast, but I don't think I'm seriously clinically depressed - I think you are right that I am in a rut.

Pego – I get sick of arguing with people so sometimes I pre-empt the argument, you're right. I think just give up arguing.

Ms Martini – good advice, but no, I don’t feel homicidal, so I'll stay off the pills…

Don – the word you're looking for is, of course, “mate”.
As far as I can see the only tension between our countries at the moment is that your leader probably thinks our leader is a Communist! But it's okay, you will soon have a Communist leading you guys too!

Sabar - it is interesting that you say “maybe this is why I've never been depressed, I can't see the logic in it”. Most people cannot control their feelings with logic. You are very fortunate that you can. You must have some Vulcan blood. I often rationalise my feelings, and sometimes that allows me to overrule them with my mind, but not always. It is the very irrationality of my extended unhappiness that I am currently confronting. And yes, I have read a lot of psychology and thought very deeply about these issues as you have.

One thing – I think you are wrong that people shouldn't express their emotions such as grief – bottling these things up leads to far worse outcomes in the long run for most people. Sometimes people need to cry to move on, it’s part of the natural cycle of grief.

Anyway, you'd be surprised how similar much of our thinking is, although I think I have a little more compassion than you do. Thanks for the post.

I Am Tom – not long ago. This is not about sex.

Manny - you are absolutely right about the fact that I think about things far too much, although I'm very careful with expectations and have very few. Expectations lead to disappointment – that I learned a long time ago. You hit the nail on the head with your suggestion, although I think it's meditation or tai chi that I need more than yoga.

MI21 – hmmmm, she and I were really suited to each other but the timing was wrong and now she's headed overseas to a place I don't want to follow. Glad to hear your life is going well. If I have one piece of advice for you, when you finally do finish studying and have some money, don't make the mistake of falling into the credit trap that binds so many people…

Easjer - thanks for your story. I think a lot of my problem at the moment is isolation and doing something that is making me miserable, so those are two things I'm going to change as soon as possible. Glad to hear that things have changed so significantly for you, and I'm sure they will to me when I get back out into the world.

[TheSanityAnnex]

You look happy enough in your avatar picture.

[RuffnReadyOzStyle]

At this point, I'd just like to say thank you to EVERYONE for their varied, interesting and valuable input into this thread. It, and talking to a number of people yesterday, has really helped me to work out what my problems are right now.

Just in case you haven't worked it out, I am a classic extrovert, which by the psychological definition is someone who needs to bounce their problems off others in order to come up with their own solution. Introverts do the opposite and keep their problems to themselves, working inwardly to find a solution.

My problems are thus:
1) I need to finish my Master's thesis as it is blocking up the rest of my life,
2) I need to get a job again to be around people - the combination of study and living alone has turned me into a hermit, but I am actually a very social person, and the lack of companionship is driving me a little is crazy. (Note: I only have a few good friends left in this town unfortunately because most have moved away, and that doesn't help either).
3) I really need to take up some kind of mind-calming activity like meditation or tai chi because I think and worry way too much, and the serenity prayer just isn't doing the job any more.

One more thing - a lot of people have mentioned the importance of taking joy in the small things, the mundane and the everyday aspects of life, and I wholeheartedly agree with this as I do it myself. Preparing and eating a good meal, watching the sun set, listening to an album I love, having a nice five-minute conversation with a stranger, receiving an unexpected smile... I try to take as much joy as possible out of simple things. A lot of the time that is enough to make me forget my own worries. However, I guess this thread is about the fact that I haven't had to fight against unhappiness the whole time like this before (at least not since I was a teenager), especially when my life is so wonderful. Anyway, as detailed above I think a few changes could make a huge difference, and my appreciation of the everyday will soon not be fighting against a tide of angst.

[RuffnReadyOzStyle]

You look happy enough in your avatar picture.

Damn, dude, I doubt I've ever been much happier than that moment, and I had that grin from about a week afterwards. Meeting David was a dream come true!

Time to watch us take on the Warriors, but I'll be back after that.

[marini martini]

Hey Mr. Ruff. I made m first post here last night, after watching a great movie, that IMO, ended awful.

So today, I feel really happy! I took two blue pills, instead of one orange one. Hahahahaha(I heard that today on T.V.)

And lastly, when my Doc aked me if I had suicidal thoughts, I looked at him, and said " no! I just want to kill my family and others!"

I love my Doc

[easjer]

There is a really terrific yoga dvd I just picked up called Yoga For Stress Relief - it's produced by Bodywisdom, led by Barbara Benagh and features an interview with the Dalai Lama about meditation. The yoga is not especially challenging, though it could be made more advanced if necessary. But it's got over 20 routines to choose from which vary in length and focus - including guided and deep meditations.

It's a really great place to start if you want guided meditation or are new to yoga (the related beginner's yoga dvd with Barbara Benagh is also terrific).

[1Parker1]

Ruff, it sounds like your more stressed than unhappy. Sometimes, it's easy to confuse the two. I remember when I was in college, I was stressed about 95% of the time. And when I stress, I get to the point where it affects everything I do, my thoughts, eating habits, how I interact with people, etc. And stress also affects your outlook on life.

All I can tell you is that happiness comes and goes. It's a lot easier for many people to remember the bad times, than the good times...especially when times are bad. I'd say I'm about 50-50 on the happiness scale, depends on what day you ask me

The best thing I can tell you is what I've learned over the years; you need to be patient and give it time. Once this phase of your life passes you, you'll find it a lot easier to see the good things. In the meantime, while you're trying to pass through this phase, I suggest what I call "Me Days." Take a day off or do something for yourself at least once a week, regardless of anything else. Whether it be a shopping expedition, buying that really cute Coach bag for $398 or those really cute summer shoes at Macy's, or splurging on a haircut and color....wait you're a guy right? Umm, well, do whatever it is that makes you happy like shopping and shoes and handbags does for me.

[tlongII]

I ride a roller coaster. Not a good thing.

[Supreme_Being]

I don't know if I'm happy or not. I'm always indifferent.

[Jekka]

Exactly. Everyone goes through a funk here and there and sometimes I find that I just have to plop myself down in front of the TV for a day and watch some mindless fluff (like bad Lifetime movies). I get over it and go about my life. I also will remind myself that my life isn't that bad and it could definitely be worse. Of course, hormones come into play some of the time.

My good friend has had a lot of tragedy in her life and just last week had something major happen to her. However, we were able to laugh about it and everything else that's happened to her. I commented to her that the one thing I loved about her was that she is always able to find humor in everything. She said she has to or else she would be depressed. I'm the same way. I firmly believe laughter is the best medicine.

I will second the laughter suggestion. Had I not had my best friend in my life for the last 14 years, I would have had many, many more unhappy times in my life. It has been pretty vital for me to have someone I can call and laugh about how ridiculously heinous life can get sometimes. Cheating boyfriends? Hilarious. Hurtful comment from parent? Hilarious. Crappy news from doctor? Hilarious.

I understand unhappiness, I have done more time than my fair share in life dealing with legitimate depression, but I have learned that it was largely cir stantial and to control the cir stances that I am able knowing that the rest will get figured out. I like to think that I'm more happy than not now, but I've worked my ass off for it and done a lot of trial and error.

You'll get over the funk, it doesn't last forever. If you think about life too much then of course you'll be unhappy. If I learned anything from working in rape crisis, it's how to redirect myself when my thoughts are going in bad and unnecessary directions (obviously, you don't turn it off when it's necessary) - a news fast for the year helped, too, trusting in Manny to tell me if anything really important happened.