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What did Shaq first say when he heard Kobe was charged for rape?
Kobe making a pass.......no way!
if only i had a ski mask and a gun..
What did Shaq first say when he heard Kobe was charged for rape?
Kobe making a pass.......no way!
Has anybody heard about the joke about the three guys named: You, Manners, and ?
A guy tells his gardener to go to the store to get some ping pong balls. The guy is gone for hours and finally come back with a torn shirt and all beat up. The guy says "what the happened to you did you get the ping pong balls?"
The gardener says "holy I thought you said King Kong's balls."
Why cant a blonde make Kool Aid?
Cause they cant fit 2 quarts of water in that little packet.
Three friends on deserted island, a blonde, a brunette and a man. They find a genie and get one wish each. The Man says I wish I was back home with some beers having a party. The Brunette says I wish I was with that cute guy from work in my house. The blonde says I just wish I had my friends back.
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The
pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose mylicense, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things willhappen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"?
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,? "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription!"
A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE . . .
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was
pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schoolsuse the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a re ed baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He
wanted a new truck.
She wanted a fast litte sports-like car so she could zip through traffic
around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck,
but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look !" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4
seconds or less."
"And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services are pending.
One of my all time favorites:
Three guys go to a strip club. Trying to impress his friends, the first guy pulls out a ten-dollar bill and beckons one of the strippers over. "Watch this," the first guy says as he sticks the ten between the stripper's breasts.
"That's nothing," the second guy says. Then he whips out a fifty and sticks it between her legs. "Let's see you top that."
The third guy shrugs. "Alright," he says. He takes out his ATM card.
"What are you going to do with that?" the first guy asks.
The third guy swipes the card between the dancer's butt cheeks, takes the sixty dollars and goes home.
A blonde is not respected in her job for being stupid and hears about an island in the that has a genie. So she decides to swim the 10 miles to get to the island. There she meets the genie and she says "I'm not being respected, I wish to be smarter." So the genie turns her into a redhead she swims the ten miles again and goes to her job, but she still isn't being respected. She swims back to the island and tells the genie "i'm still not being respected, I wish to be smarter" so he turns her into a bruenette. She swims back, but she still isn't being respected. The next week she swims to the genie tells him off the same problem and he tells her "I'll help you, but this is the last time" He snaps his fingers and turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge connecting the island to the shore and lives happily ever after.
Why did Allen Houston get spared the Allen Houston Clause?
because it was meant for Michael Finley, Cuban payed his media buddies to name it after Houston
Thats an old one but a classic.
What's the black stuff between an elephant's toes??
Slow Natives
Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bull . I gotta go home and the cat."
Some psychology students were attending a morning lecture. The speaker was droning on and on about peoples thoughts and the lecture had becoming quite boring and uninteresting. Nearing the end, the speaker asked: "A man is on his motorcycle and hurtles into a brick wall at 150 miles an hour. As he hits the wall; what would be the last thing that goes through his mind?"
A bored voice from the back of the auditorium replied, "His in ass.....can we go now?"
what do you get when you cross an elephant with darth vader?
an ELEVADER...
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind here!"
The mushroom says, "Why not, I'm a fun guy?"
A guy walks into a crowded bar, stands at one end of it and hollers, "Lawyers are assholes!"
A guy at the other end of the bar stands up and says, "I resent that remark!"
The other guy says, "Why, are you a lawyer?"
The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole!"
It's not too often that you hear a joke about blonde guys...
Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One would
dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on
to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy
digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what
they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the
effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do
you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up
again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably
looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who
plants the trees called in sick.
A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember
those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies,
"Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a
mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not
have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are
all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful.
" His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist
and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the
bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom
and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes
passionate
love to his wife like never before His wife says, "Boy, that was
wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into
the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first
time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the
bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the
bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my
wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
- - Services will be held on Monday
A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the
night with her for $500. He spends the night with her but before he leaves,
he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR
APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that
the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a
check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat
and 3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for
$250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment
to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it,
if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please
don't blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to
contact your present landlady.
Whatd the pirate find in his closet?
ARRRRRRRRRRRR Kelly
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then
added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been
$0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead.
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her
to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part
about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone: Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she
died in January."
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what
more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all you gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!
Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal,fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all thecity boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting awards for shooting - dunno why.
The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at yer like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka [State Rural Exhibition Show] last year! All yer gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of piss!!
You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes yer gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter, Jill.
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