Ladies: Did you/will you take your husband's last name?

[Summers]

I didn't think any of the ladies' answers have been rude. But... you did ask for our opinions. When you do something that's completely non-traditional and ask for opinions, get ready to defend your decision.

[Cant_Be_Faded]

We are bound together for life.

My name doesn't change that.

Let me be clear: I respect other people's decisions on this subject.

My question has been, why can't they respect mine? I brought it up here, so that's one thing. But look at some of these responses. People seriously question my commitment to marriage because I didn't change my name? That's totally bizarre to me. Just like a white wedding doesn't mean you are a virgin, changing your name doesn't mean you have a stable marriage, and not changing it doesn't mean you are not committed.

Would you seriously walk up to someone at a party and say this kind of thing? Because it's horribly rude. If I just introduced myself, you wouldn't know until you met my husband that we have different last names. He gets a kick out of mail that refers to Mr and Mrs S.

I think that in the end, it comes down to
"well if its not a big deal then why don't you do it?"

[mookie2001]

yeah if it happens to be a issue about family...or realness

[Kori Ellis]

besides, no matter what someone says, it at least confuses a kid, and makes it harder on the child to learn to spell his/her name, which in turn can result in a plethora of psychological traumas, and require daily doses of paxil, or other happy pills

I don't know about it leading to medication, but I can tell you from personal experience that it's a hassle.

Kids used to always ask me, "ARE YOUR REAL PARENTS DEAD?"

[easjer]

No it wasn't for women's lib reasons. I'm not a feminist (other than hoping everyone has equal choices and is free to make them).

I said well before ever meeting my husband that I would keep my name. It means a lot to me ever since my parent's divorced. It's one of the few things we all still had in common.

I like my name. I like how it looks, I like how it sounds, I like the number of letter in it, I like my initials.

It's always been my name. It's not just a name to me. It's my name. It's a part of who I am and how I see myself. Who I am doesn't fundamentally alter because of a ring and license. Since we've been together, Jason has also been part of my iden y. Caring for him and opening up to him and building a partnership are parts of my iden y now. But those new things don't erase the old things. And I guess in some ways keeping my name is a link to that.

I think my in-laws have made me adament about that, dating back to about a year ago. I think the way they have treated my husband (and me) has been thoroughly de able and painful and I want no part of them, including that. My husband's name is part of him, and him I want, and him I accept. But taking his name would associate me with them everyday. I'm not interested in that.

But again - I keep talking about this aspect of it, so I know it seems like it was the basis for the decision. It's just that I feel very strongly about it. But Jason knew three weeks after we started dating, when we first starting talking about marriage down the road and two weeks before I met his family (that I did not previously know) that I would not change my name.

[Cant_Be_Faded]

No it wasn't for women's lib reasons. I'm not a feminist (other than hoping everyone has equal choices and is free to make them).

I said well before ever meeting my husband that I would keep my name. It means a lot to me ever since my parent's divorced. It's one of the few things we all still had in common.

I like my name. I like how it looks, I like how it sounds, I like the number of letter in it, I like my initials.

It's always been my name. It's not just a name to me. It's my name. It's a part of who I am and how I see myself. Who I am doesn't fundamentally alter because of a ring and license. Since we've been together, Jason has also been part of my iden y. Caring for him and opening up to him and building a partnership are parts of my iden y now. But those new things don't erase the old things. And I guess in some ways keeping my name is a link to that.

I think my in-laws have made me adament about that, dating back to about a year ago. I think the way they have treated my husband (and me) has been thoroughly de able and painful and I want no part of them, including that. My husband's name is part of him, and him I want, and him I accept. But taking his name would associate me with them everyday. I'm not interested in that.

But again - I keep talking about this aspect of it, so I know it seems like it was the basis for the decision. It's just that I feel very strongly about it. But Jason knew three weeks after we started dating, when we first starting talking about marriage down the road and two weeks before I met his family (that I did not previously know) that I would not change my name.

do you also refuse to cook and do laundry????

jk but i had to say it

[Shelly]

My grandmother has been called Carolyn her whole life by her parents, friends, husband, etc - then they checked her birth certificate several years ago and found out that her name was legally "Caroline". I don't think she bothered to switch it though

My grandmother's name was (and I know I am butchering the spelling) was Cujuntine. I tried to find it in Italian girls names, but alas, it's not very popular. She ended up changing it to Clara.

My mom is Josephine (which she hates), so he goes by Jo. When we lived in Luxemboug, people couldn't understand how a woman had a man's name. So they always called her Joan. Which she hated also.

[SWC Bonfire]

But Jason knew three weeks after we started dating, when we first starting talking about marriage down the road and two weeks before I met his family (that I did not previously know) that I would not change my name.

Three weeks????

Well, if that's the case, if he has a problem with it it's his fault.

[easjer]

do you also refuse to cook and do laundry????

jk but i had to say it

*groan* Actually my husband does much of the cooking and all of the laundry. BUT that's because we have a deal that he'll do the laundry now and I'll take it over when we get a washer and dryer. I hate carrying all that laundry and up and down the stairs. I do all the ironing though and I do cook, just not much because I'm lazy. I like to bake way more.

didn't think any of the ladies' answers have been rude. But... you did ask for our opinions. When you do something that's completely non-traditional and ask for opinions, get ready to defend your decision.

And that's fine, because I did bring it up here (though I'm totally taken aback by some of the responses. Probably because I've never thought it was that big a deal). But I get that reaction elsewhere and I don't understand it. Places where I'm not bringing it up into a huge discussion, simply introducing myself correctly, as anyone would do if they were introduced as Lisa when their name was Lori. And I don't even do that when it doesn't matter. I don't go into diatribes in front of people or demand they hear me out, simply smile and state my correct name.

I just don't understand the furor (in real life - again, here, I brought it up and am willing to discuss it).

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

do you also refuse to cook and do laundry????

jk but i had to say it

Actually she doesn't refuse to but I do most of the cooking and laundry. For starters she's more or less supporting us at the moment so I'd feel like a complete ing freeloader if I didn't. But the washing machines are a bit of a hike from our apartment, so it falls on my broad strapping shoulders to carry the laundry up and down the stairs. As for the cooking, well, I'm just a damn good cook, so that was a natural pick. But my wife can bake man. One of the great things about the holiday season is when she breaks out the Betty Crocker cookbook. Cookies, cakes, pies...tis the season for gaining 15 pounds.

[easjer]

Three weeks????

Well, if that's the case, if he has a problem with it it's his fault.

We didn't actually get engaged until over a year after that and didn't marry for nearly two and a half years after we got engaged. We just knew that early on that this was going somewhere. We clicked pretty early on. It helped that we'd been good friends for about six months before we started dating.

[easjer]

Actually she doesn't refuse to but I do most of the cooking and laundry. For starters she's more or less supporting us at the moment so I'd feel like a complete ing freeloader if I didn't. But the washing machines are a bit of a hike from our apartment, so it falls on my broad strapping shoulders to carry the laundry up and down the stairs. As for the cooking, well, I'm just a damn good cook, so that was a natural pick. But my wife can bake man. One of the great things about the holiday season is when she breaks out the Betty Crocker cookbook. Cookies, cakes, pies...tis the season for gaining 15 pounds.

That reminds me - I need to make fudge and toffee for the office this week. Don't let me forget when we go to the store to pick this stuff up.

[easjer]

My grandmother's name was (and I know I am butchering the spelling) was Cujuntine. I tried to find it in Italian girls names, but alas, it's not very popular. She ended up changing it to Clara.

My mom is Josephine (which she hates), so he goes by Jo. When we lived in Luxemboug, people couldn't understand how a woman had a man's name. So they always called her Joan. Which she hated also.

My mom's maiden name was Italian (butchered by immigration officials) - Varmo Marmo-lada (you see why Jason won't give this last name to our kids? It doesn't exist anywhere anymore; when my cousin was born my uncle had the name officially shortened to Varmo).

[Shelly]

My mom's maiden name was Italian (butchered by immigration officials) - Varmo Marmo-lada (you see why Jason won't give this last name to our kids? It doesn't exist anywhere anymore; when my cousin was born my uncle had the name officially shortened to Varmo).

My mom's maiden name is Coccia (pronounced Coacha). No one knew how to pronounce it. It was usually Coseeuh

[easjer]

I beg your pardon?

Don't be WHAT kind of woman, exactly? Independent? Free to make my own choices?

I am disgusted by your post. It's not a knock on a man what his partner chooses to do, and if you think it is, you are sadly mistaken about what a relationship between a man and a woman should be.

[iminlakerland]

I actually really love my last name so i wouldnt want to change it especially since it seems like my brother and his wife have chosen never to have kids, i want my last name to continue. But if i did choose to keep it, i would definately hyphenate it, i got a hyphen in my first name and why not have a hyphen in my last lol

[kris]

I beg your pardon?

Don't be WHAT kind of woman, exactly? Independent? Free to make my own choices?

I am disgusted by your post. It's not a knock on a man what his partner chooses to do, and if you think it is, you are sadly mistaken about what a relationship between a man and a woman should be.

See, this is exactly why girls always want guy friends and why guys need to hang with guys for down time. Girls just aren't cool enough. They just don't get it.

[easjer]

See, this is exactly why girls always want guy friends and why guys need to hang with guys for down time. Girls just aren't cool enough. They just don't get it.

Oh, I see now. You are just an idiot.

[iminlakerland]

Oh, I see now. You are just an idiot.

wow...

[easjer]

You are right. I am pretty angry about what you said and I don't get very angry about stuff on an internet message board very often.

It's rude, insensitive and misogynist. I don't know you, so I'll let it go pretty quickly. But you are absolutely right. Clearly, you wanted to press my buttons.

Congratulations, you succeeded.

[tekdragon]

I would have been hurt if my wife didn't take my name, I can definitely say that. And I don't particularly like my name, but it was important to me. I don't know if it would have been a deal-breaker, but it was definitely important.

I have an aunt who didn't take her husband's name, and it just seemed disrespectful to me. But that's just me. Maybe I'm into tradition. I dunno. I know I would have been way hurt, though.

If the traditions of marriage aren't important to you, and all that counts is the relationship itself, than what's the point of getting married? Isn't the concept of marriage all about the cultural traditions of pledging your lives to one another? The tradition of changing your name is no different from the tradition of saying "I do" or the tradition of wearing a wedding ring...You could have just as easily said you don't want to wear a ring, for whatever reasons you deem important. Would he have also been ok with that?

[Parkersgirl9]

I plan to take my boyfriends one day.

[easjer]

If the traditions of marriage aren't important to you, and all that counts is the relationship itself, than what's the point of getting married? Isn't the concept of marriage all about the cultural traditions of pledging your lives to one another? The tradition of changing your name is no different from the tradition of saying "I do" or the tradition of wearing a wedding ring...You could have just as easily said you don't want to wear a ring, for whatever reasons you deem important. Would he have also been ok with that?

The point of getting married was more religious than anything. The relationship is the most important thing. It had little to do with culture. Even religious culture. Our faith is among the most important thing to us. In that faith, we are urged to marry so that we can experience one of the mysteries of the faith (Christ's relationship with his church). That has to be done through marriage. If we didn't have that faith, I probably still would have wanted to get married. Wearing a ring is my idea. I would assume my husband would not care if I didn't wear my rings. I know that he was free to choose whether or not he wanted to wear a ring.

And I think there is a significant difference between the tradition of taking a new name (which came about via a patriarchal society in the Middle Ages) and a religious committment.

Again, I'm a little lost as to how changing my name is a reflection on my committment to my marriage or the stability of my marriage.

[timvp]

Honestly, if Kori wouldn't have taken my last name I don't think I would have married her. Harsh, yes, but I love my last name. I don't love it for any historical reasons, I just think it's the best last name out there.

[Kori Ellis]

Again, I'm a little lost as to how changing my name is a reflection on my committment to my marriage or the stability of my marriage.

It doesn't. Unless it's important to your husband. If it's important to your husband and it 'hurts' him, then it is a reflection of your commitment if you refused to change it.

For example, if I hated my husband's family and really liked my maiden name like you do. And then LJ said, well I really want you to take my last name and I didn't want to do so. Then I think insisting on not changing it would reflect on my commitment to him as his wife. Because as we all know, it's my duty as his wife to obey his wishes.