Corny Joke of the day

[SWC Bonfire]

Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all you gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!

Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal,fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all thecity boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting awards for shooting - dunno why.

The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at yer like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka [State Rural Exhibition Show] last year! All yer gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of piss!!
You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes yer gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.










Your loving daughter, Jill.

[Slomo]

Q: What's a light-year?
A: One-third less calories than a regular year.

[angel_luv]

That's great!!!!!!!!!

[Marklar MM]

This lady went to the doctor,so she said to the doc,"Doctor, every time I eat a sandwich with mayonaise, I break out in a terrible rash!" The doctor said," Hmmm, I dont handle these kind of things, but Im gonna send you to a place that specializes in this sort of thing!’ The lady replied,"You mean, theres a place that handles cases like this??" The doctor said," Of course there is! Havent you ever heard of the mayo clinic??"

[Marklar MM]

Why should you never take a shower with a pokemon?

He might pikachu!!

[Marklar MM]

During a huge performance in front of a packed house, the first-chair violinist smelled something aweful coming from the second-chair violinist’s direction. "Did you fart?" he quietly whispered. Without missing a note, the second-chair violinist shook his head and continued on. After a few more minutes the smell got worse. The first-chair violinist asked again, "Did you fart?" And again he shook his head and continued playing. The smell now got much worse and again he asked, only much louder, "God almight, did you fart?" This time the second-chair violinist turned slightly in his direction and said, "No. I my pants."

[Marklar MM]

A penis says to his balls ’ come on lads we’re going to a party. ’ The balls reply ’ You fukin liar, you go inside and leave us outside knocking! ’

[Trainwreck2100]

What's the difference between the Spurs and the Mavs???



When the Spurs get to the Finals they win.

[boutons_]

I'm so bummed about Robertas, but got a good joke, it helps...

==============

Don't talk in bed Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the
wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- total silence --

HUSBAND: SHI!T !!

[chode_regulator]

ron artest is a good one

not sure if this has been psted yet or not, i didnt read but the first page

what do muffins and a baseball team have in common..........they both need a good batter

[Slomo]

This middle aged couple go on a Mediterean cruise that includes also a three day tour of Israel. Unfortunately during the tour the wife dies as a result of a heart attack. So the husband has to make the necessary arrangements.

The local funeral home director presents the husband with two options:
"we can arrange for the shipping of her remains back home which we estimate will cost you around 4.500 $ or we can bury her here on the Mount of Olives the holliest place in the holly land for only 150$".

"I chose the first option" says the husband

"Really? that's quite an odd choice since you are obviously religious and considering the price difference... May I ask why?"

"Well you see 2000 years ago a young man died and was burried here, 3 days later he awoke from the dead. I just can't take that chance..."

[sa_butta]

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods
hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the
ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing. His eyes are rolled back in
his head. The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He
gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says,
"Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure
he is dead."

There is a silence........followed by a gun
shot.

The redneck's voice comes back on the line,
"Okay, now what?"
______________________________________________



With the high price of gas, a station in Tennessee was trying to make the high cost of gas worth the cost so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then
guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close; the number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with his buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged, my wife won twice last week."

[1369]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when
his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache!"

"Perfect," her husband said.

"I was in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.
You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"

[Slomo]

A horse is trapped in quick sand and is calling for help. A chicken comes runing and the horse says: "go fetch the farmer, he can save me!".

The chicken runs to the farm, but can't find the farmer. She spots the farmer's brand new BMW and drives it to the horse, she throws him a rope, ties the other end to the bumper of the BMW and succesfully saves the horse.

A few days later the chicken is the one trapped in the quick sand. She yells for help and the horse responds. The chicken says: "quick go fetch the BMW!".

The horse answers:"No need for that, my is so big just grab it and I'll save you". The chicken does just that and is succesfully rescued!




























Moral of the story: If you have a big , you don't need a beamer!

[Slomo]

I got these two links from my nephew today.

http://www.killsometime.com/Video/video.asp?ID=418

http://www.holylemon.com/QVCPorno.html

[BIG IRISH]

Beer is our Friend

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as I am in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
and lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,

Barmen

[BIG IRISH]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a bad name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.

[spurs=bling]

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!" Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!" The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune." The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest. The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?" The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

[Eminem]

What is Eminem's favorite t.v. show?


O.C.

[1Parker1]

What is Eminem's favorite t.v. show?


O.C.

I don't get...

[1369]

A University of Texas graduate, a Texas Tech University grad, and a Texas A&M University grad were sitting in a bar in Dallas.

The view of the city was fantastic, the beer was ice cold and the food exceptional.

The guy from Tech said, "I still prefer the beer joints back in Lubbock. There's one place where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy 4 beers, he will buy the 5th."

The Texas Longhorn said "Well, at my local bar in Austin, the owner will buy your third drink after you've bought the first two."

"Heck, that's nothin'," the Aggie responded.

"Back in College Station there's this bar where the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night. Then when you've had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and see that you get laid. And it's all on the house."


The Texas grad and the Tech grad immediately doubted his claims.

"And this actually happened to you?" asked the Texas grad.

"No, not myself personally," he admitted. "But it did happen to my sister."

[Trainwreck2100]

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!" Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!" The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune." The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest. The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?" The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."


MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil es.

Don't mess with them.

`

[Cant_Be_Faded]

experiment > trainwreck

[Trainwreck2100]

Experiment is a little

[Johnny_Blaze_47]

Experiment is a little

And here I was going to say you should go back to that name.