I agree, 11 years of that? I wouldn't have even taken ONE DAY of that. At first sign of that behavior, I put her ass in her place and if it doesn't fix it, I'm gone.Strike....11 years of that ...WTF took you so long to throw her in the can? You should have ditched her way before she starting having an affair, what a hypocritical .
And speaking of hypocrisies... my ex girlfriend is quite religious (christian), had a rough childhood because of her ex-preacher and pastor dad separated her mom and had affairs, hated her friend's boyfriend for cheating on her friend multiple times, and then cheated on me twice.Some es are just re ed.
By the way, how did you find out your ex-girlfriend cheated on you twice?
Well she hid it from me because she didn't want to lose me...it happened after we had been fighting and she got really drunk at a party on 2 separate occasions. But she finally told me 3 months later and I was extremely shocked, of all girls I've known and ever met she was the last I expected to cheat. It just shows anyone can be a head at any time.
It sounds to me like this issue has continued to escalate and each of you are contributing to making it worse. Who started it is really not the point now. The post began with a question about her needing to know every detail of your life (which she really should not) but continued with your admitting you intentionally kept something from her (which you shouldn't). When dealing with someone whom you know has trust issues, why would you keep this from her on purpose, only further feeding her issues.
She sounds like she has become controlling, but often that happens because the person is insecure and thinks you are slipping away. They figure that if they hold on tighter it will keep you there, but it actually usually does the exact opposite. It is hard to know from one side of the story- which came first. Did you give her reason to doubt- is it coming from inside her- is this getting worse all the sudden? Is she controlling of everything and other people or just you? Does she always get this upset or is it just about this one guy-- which did make me wonder just why she is so sensitive to your mentioning his name. Does he know something? Is there some reason she wants to keep you two apart? Is she really that mad about you not telling her or is she that upset about the idea of you talking to him? Is he some awful guy that generates her extreme disdain of him?
I will say, though, that bad mouthing your wife to other people is not cool. You might want to ask yourself why you are really doing it.
(Sorry for the way too long post, just lots of stuff to get in here. Cliff notes aren't my specialty.)
My wife and I are/were married for nearly 9 years (getting divorced now) and lived together for 2 years prior to the marriage. Throughout the entire course of that 10+ years, she was quite similar. Needed intricate details of my entire day, every word spoken to people, details on every minute spent on-line, etc. She would overreact to anything I did/said that she viewed as "not okay". Two beers in one sitting made me an alcoholic. One toke off a friend's bong (of which I very rarely partake) made me a drug addict. One loud negative comment during a Spurs/Cubs/Raiders game meant I have anger issues. One comment about anything annoying/frustrating thing she did made me an asshole. You get the idea.
I
And that sucks, bro.
Hmm, interesting question. I dont keep secrets from my wife about anything or anybody.
Ive had that conversation with about everyone I know. If youre telling me something, youre telling her, too.
My wife is an extremely cool and understanding woman by anyone's standards. She keeps secrets well and knows more about my friends and family than I do because they love to talk and she loves to listen (i like to do neither, btw).
What youre asking is "What about my friend sending me emails about his preparation for serving his wife the divorce papers" kind of stuff?
Thats a tough question. Me personally, I dont keep from my wife. I have a terrible memory and dont even bother lying because I wont remember wtf I said a week from today. I share everything and our business is our business. I have told her some pretty damning that Ive been told about people she cares about and shes never uttered a word.
Its because I told her in confidence and our bond is stronger than any other, period. She has never given me a reason to act otherwise.
Now, if she did let the at out of the bag once, I'd tell her in no uncertain terms "Im going to keep certain from you now because you cant be trusted with sensitive info".
Thats code-word for "Because I have a terrible memory, everything anyone tells me that could be used by someone we know, I am going to forget I heard it by the end of the night instead of telling you".
Honestly, for my personal situation, I email exactly one person for personal reasons. An online friend who lives in Ohio. Beyond that, my 2 email addresses serve as spam deposits for purchases, offers and other meaningless .Why not just create a dual account?
If she wants to pour through the 140 junk emails I get a day, have at it. Just dont delete the with a receipt number, thanks. Yeah, yeah, Viagra really wants my business...go figure, eh? No, I dont want to see two girls, one cup, thank you, you can delete that.
That sort of . I literally, honestly and openly, have nothing to hide about my existence in life. I am very upfront and brutally honest. If she wants to know , I let her have the info because I dont give a . Her and I do not fight over big stuff, we fight over small stuff.
This isnt small stuff to us.
Exactly. Its a natural progression in any meaningful relationship. We all put on a facade for the world and its natural for your significant other to want to see the other side more clearly.
Yeah, that would be awkward indeed. I dont pretend to know or read about your dating habits, Funt, and youre obviously very intelligent so this may be extremely apparent, but...Where I have a problem is when that information is requested specifically. It's a relatively small thing, and I've got no secrets to hide, but the need/desire to read through my boring emails stands out as a pretty big sign that there are more serious trust and control issues in play.
I have been with the same person since 1998, I was 18 years old. I really dont know what different people are like in different relationships. I am constantly amazed by what my friends and family tolerate in their relationships and what they find acceptable and unacceptable.
If someone is asking for that info from you and I was in your shoes, it would depend on how I feel about them, do I trust them, how long have we been together and maybe most importantly, is there a future with this person.
If its a short relationship (under one year), I'd blow that person off immediately. Like you said, weird, unpredictable control issues.
If I dont see a future with this person, no. What I mean by future is at the least, living together and that whole shared experience debacle.
If those two questions are "No", then you have to seriously consider what youre even doing with them in the first place. If its a booty-thing, thats cool, its time to end it after they ask. If it isnt and you think you have a future together, then youre going to have to try and take the dive and risk getting your heartbroken over a simple email privacy issue.
Thats love, it hurts sometimes. Just my opinion.
My parents are polar opposites. Dad used to drink, mom smokes. Dad is agnostic, mom is Lutheran. Mom is "glass half empty", Dad is "glass half full". Like I said, polar opposites. They've been married for 40 years and are completely devoted to each other. I figured if two people like that can make it work, so could I.
I wanted to believe that I could really make it work. I wanted to believe she really could change and be a trustworthy, stable, honorable. The deal breaker was when I caught her texting her "boyfriend" while they were making plans to see each other while I was at work. I sat her down and told her she had two choices:
1. She could end it once and for all and I would put everything behind us and we could start with a clean slate.
2. She could go see him and everything was over.
She chose 2. She went off to see her "boyfriend" and left me at home to have a near-breakdown. The second she made her choice, I knew it was 100% over. When she returned home (after being stood up) I told her that I was done and she needed to move out. She spent the next few months begging me to change my mind but she did move out. I offered her everything in the house with the exception of the stuff in my TV room/bedroom. She took most of it. She says she wants me back but she won't fight the divorce or seek alimony.
It's been almost a month to the day since she moved out and already I feel better both physically and psychologically. My work has improved and people have told me that they can see I'm losing weight. I'm not going to say I never miss her because I sometimes do. But I'd rather be occasionally lonely than continuously angry.
Bandwagon fan since 1982.
Ya live, ya learn. I'm now a zero tolerance mother er.
Good for you dude, she clearly was re ed in her decision, and good luck!My parents are polar opposites. Dad used to drink, mom smokes. Dad is agnostic, mom is Lutheran. Mom is "glass half empty", Dad is "glass half full". Like I said, polar opposites. They've been married for 40 years and are completely devoted to each other. I figured if two people like that can make it work, so could I.
I wanted to believe that I could really make it work. I wanted to believe she really could change and be a trustworthy, stable, honorable. The deal breaker was when I caught her texting her "boyfriend" while they were making plans to see each other while I was at work. I sat her down and told her she had two choices:
1. She could end it once and for all and I would put everything behind us and we could start with a clean slate.
2. She could go see him and everything was over.
She chose 2. She went off to see her "boyfriend" and left me at home to have a near-breakdown. The second she made her choice, I knew it was 100% over. When she returned home (after being stood up
It's been almost a month to the day since she moved out and already I feel better both physically and psychologically. My work has improved and people have told me that they can see I'm losing weight. I'm not going to say I never miss her because I sometimes do. But I'd rather be occasionally lonely than continuously angry.
Ugh . . . ing chill.
I always thought you were a dude.You're not kidding. My husband spends almost all day every Saturday in New Braunfels with his friends and I never say boo about it. But I took too long grocery shopping on Sunday and he grilled me about it when I got home. Honestly, how many times do you have to ask the question, "Were you really shopping that whole time?" and get the same answer before you believe it?
Or, are you guys a gay couple?
Is that so?
I wonder why.
I have no idea.
I just always thought you were a dude.
It's like finding out that Extra Stout is a chick.
I think he's a dude.
Is this your ex?Strike....11 years of that ...WTF took you so long to throw her in the can? You should have ditched her way before she starting having an affair, what a hypocritical .
And speaking of hypocrisies... my ex girlfriend is quite religious (christian), had a rough childhood because of her ex-preacher and pastor dad separated her mom and had affairs, hated her friend's boyfriend for cheating on her friend multiple times, and then cheated on me twice.
Wow, lots of great responses and feedback on this thread. Thanks much for all the info from personal experiences.
Since my original post/thread start, had a sit down with the wife and we were able to really talk things out some. First off, some carification. I think I portrayed my wife as wanting to know everything all the time, and that's not really the case. She is cool with time I spend with friends, and we do things together with other couples that we both enjoy.
I think what I failed to realize is that I have a tendency to hide what I consider small things from her, things which I consider irrelevant but she doesn't view the same way. And perception for most people = reality. Her perception of the comments I made to a friend in an email were different than my perception that I was just blowing of steam/venting about marriage. I have to understand and appreciate her perception of those comments.
She was also willing to admit that she does have a tendency to over-react and get angry at times, and that this anger can be very counter-productive to working out problems in the marriage. So, one thing we agreed to do was sit down every Sunday for at least an hour or so and talk about the state of our marriage. Are we communicating? Are we spending enought time together? Do we reinforce our emotional connection to each other?
I think this can go a long way towards increasing her security in the marriage and me making sure I am communicating information to her that even if I think is irrelevant, might be important to her.
To answer some other questions, my wife is white. Outside of my email account, which she has access to, I don't own a cell phone so I don't make calls or text anyone-so that's not really an issue. I guess the last answer would be I don't care how many other women are out there, I'm committed to my wife and our 3 kids. I'll go to and back before I leave this marriage or this family. I also find it interesting in marriage that you continue to find new hurdles to clear, often times hurdles you never saw coming at you. I guess that's also part of the fun.
so how was the makeup sex?
Ballcox you made the right move by talking to your wife and letting her know how you feel for communication, positive or negative, is a key factor to successful marriages. Your honesty is also very important.
Good for you! Y'all are going to be fine if you keep the lines of communication open.Wow, lots of great responses and feedback on this thread. Thanks much for all the info from personal experiences.
Since my original post/thread start, had a sit down with the wife and we were able to really talk things out some. First off, some carification. I think I portrayed my wife as wanting to know everything all the time, and that's not really the case. She is cool with time I spend with friends, and we do things together with other couples that we both enjoy.
I think what I failed to realize is that I have a tendency to hide what I consider small things from her, things which I consider irrelevant but she doesn't view the same way. And perception for most people = reality. Her perception of the comments I made to a friend in an email were different than my perception that I was just blowing of steam/venting about marriage. I have to understand and appreciate her perception of those comments.
She was also willing to admit that she does have a tendency to over-react and get angry at times, and that this anger can be very counter-productive to working out problems in the marriage. So, one thing we agreed to do was sit down every Sunday for at least an hour or so and talk about the state of our marriage. Are we communicating? Are we spending enought time together? Do we reinforce our emotional connection to each other?
I think this can go a long way towards increasing her security in the marriage and me making sure I am communicating information to her that even if I think is irrelevant, might be important to her.
To answer some other questions, my wife is white. Outside of my email account, which she has access to, I don't own a cell phone so I don't make calls or text anyone-so that's not really an issue. I guess the last answer would be I don't care how many other women are out there, I'm committed to my wife and our 3 kids. I'll go to and back before I leave this marriage or this family. I also find it interesting in marriage that you continue to find new hurdles to clear, often times hurdles you never saw coming at you. I guess that's also part of the fun.
First, the makeup sex. Out of sight my man!
Second, thanks for the props Dr. Phil. You support means everything to me.
Agreed, communication is neck and neck with trust for the most important aspects of marriage, IMHO.
Any and all advice from the married women out there is much appreciated, married men (and really anyone with some good insight) is also appreciated.NO.My main question is this: do you need to know everything, and I mean everything about your husband?
You had to know this wasn't going to turn out well. there are only 3 scenarios I can think of and none of them are good. One, she finds out on her own which makes you look like you're hiding something. Two she finds out from you and the anticipated argument begins. Three she never finds out and you successfully withheld something from her and became a liar.I set a date to meet with my friend on a Friday recently, but just don't really think about telling the wife immediately (also knowing she'll likely get somewhat angry about this meeting).
In a case where she has made it clear she would have a negative reaction then ,yeah, it's worth mentioning.Turns out that I have something come up and cancel the meeting, since the meeting didn't happen I don't think it's that important to tell the wife about. Well, she goes out of control about how I've lied to her in our relationship, and how my lies are destroying our marriage. Seriously?
I just didn't think it was that important since the meeting never took place. Should I have told her everything speck of information? If the meeting didn't even happen is it worth even mentioning?
You ARE painting her in a negative light showing her disrespect. That is one of those things we don't usually make a huge deal out of if the rest of the relationship is good.She also saw another email where I was just doing the whole married guy joking around thing with another friend, talking about how I've got to get out of the house soon, I'm always getting nagged, etc. Now, this was just joking with a friend, not how I seriously feel about our marriage. BUT, she took me to task over this as well, stating that I've painted her in a negative light to my friends and how she can't look them in the face or be around them again since I've done this. So, am I going crazy? Doesn't everyone vent about marriage with friends from time to time?
You're whipped man. Anything you get from her is deserved. Look at me, I ed the doc in my bedroom above the old guy's barn while Jackie Treehorn was watching across the pond. That's living man.
Thanks for sharing bro, the world is a ed up place. Life is too short for us to with women that are insane like the one you're speaking of. You should've dropped her a long time ago.(Sorry for the way too long post, just lots of stuff to get in here. Cliff notes aren't my specialty.
My wife and I are/were married for nearly 9 years (getting divorced now) and lived together for 2 years prior to the marriage. Throughout the entire course of that 10+ years, she was quite similar. Needed intricate details of my entire day, every word spoken to people, details on every minute spent on-line, etc. She would overreact to anything I did/said that she viewed as "not okay". Two beers in one sitting made me an alcoholic. One toke off a friend's bong (of which I very rarely partake) made me a drug addict. One loud negative comment during a Spurs/Cubs/Raiders game meant I have anger issues. One comment about anything annoying/frustrating thing she did made me an asshole. You get the idea.
I've never cheated or insinuated that I wanted to. But any time I spoke to/hung out with a female friend, the interrogations would start. Did we do anything? Did she (the friend) try anything with me? So on and so on. After 30 minutes of grilling she couldn't understand why I would be upset with her behavior.
She also hated my best friend and most of my other friends. She always accused me of talking bad about her behind her back. She would freak any time I wanted to spend time with a friend without her. She would even get su ious of me if I would visit my parents!
One word answers to her questions were downright unacceptable. "Fine" wasn't good enough for "how was work?". "Hung out, bull ted" wasn't enough for "what'd ya do at your friend's place?". And if I tried to elaborate my time spent away from her, it was always "What else? What are you not telling me?" It became infuriating. Again, my frustration was met with confusion and anger.
Now, I could understand her trust issues to a point because her parents divorced because of her mother's infidelity. I could even understand her hatred of my best friend (again, to a point!) because he was married to and then bitterly divorced from her sister. But this behavior never calmed down or got better. It only grew worse as the years went on.
I usually would include her when I visited with friends or famliy because I thought that would set her mind at ease. It didn't. She would just get mad because I was "leaving her out" or "ignoring her" around my friends/family. I would try to reassure her that it wasn't the case but to no avail. She would proceed to get mad and cause a scene, embarrassing me and making my friends/family uncomfortable to the point where we would have to leave.
And still, she never understood why I would get upset over her behavior.
Any time I would try to have a reasonable discussion about it, it always turned into an argument for which I was inevitably to blame. And if I tried to take off for a cool-down she would literally block the front door and wrestle me away from leaving.
Despite it all, I loved her very much and always tried to be a good husband. I wasn't always successful but I always worked hard to have a good marriage. What I ended up with was a wife who carried on an affair off and on for the better part of the past 2 and a half years. And, of course it was my fault. I pushed her away with my "anger, mental abuse (???) and 'being distant'". I forgave her for the cheating many times and tried to move past it only to find out multiple times that the affair was back on. When I finally had enough I kicked her out. Now she begs me daily to take her back and things will be better. She continually asks me why I want a divorce and accuses me of seeing someone else, cheating, etc.
Whew. Sorry to hijack the tread but I was trying to make a point in there somewhere. Oh yeah, here's my point:
If your wife has to have that much control of your life, chances are she has trust/control issues of which you may never see the end. If you truly love her then do your best to be forthcoming and honest. Do what you can to keep her mind at ease. If it doesn't help, get yourself some couples counseling and even single counseling if you can swing it.
If, despite all your efforts, things don't improve or deteriorate and it's more than you can endure, maybe you're just not right for each other. But only you and she can decide that.
I hope you and your wife can make things better and have a great relationship because I'll tell you this: ending a marriage sucks. I don't wish it on anyone.
Again, sorry for the absurdly long post and the thread hijack.
Come on down to the Road House anytime and we can talk. Beer is on me.
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