A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse . She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears"
Bono is at a U2 concert in Ireland when he asks the audience
for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his
hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the
microphone..."Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front of the audience pierces the
silence..."Fookin stop doing it then!"
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." He says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."
At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:
"You'll her again!"
The police sargent answers the phone;
caller: send a squad car over. There is a Democrat in my front yard
masterbating.
police: you have a what ?
caller: there is a Democrat in my front yard masterbating.
police: now how do you know it is a Democrat ?
caller: man, if it were a Repubican, he'd be ing somebody !
Yo Mama's So Fat....when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating Disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
Yo Mama's So Fat....her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
Yo Mama's So Fat....when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
Yo Mama's So Fat....when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
Yo Mama's So Fat....she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
Yo Mama's So Fat....I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.
Yo Mama's So Fat....her nickname is "DAAAMN!!"
Yo Mama's So Fat....she could sell shade.
Yo Mama's So Fat....when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
Yo Mama's So Fat....she can't even jump to a conclusion.
Yo Mama's So Fat....she was walking down the street, I swerved to miss her, and ran out of petrol.
Got this in my e-mail today.
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, en led Survivor - Texas Style. The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read, "I'm gay", "I'm a vegetarian", "I voted for Al Gore", "George Strait Sucks", "Hillary in 2008", and "I'm here to confiscate your guns!" The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
It would have been funnier with a pink Prius.
A Buddhist monk goes into a pizza parlor, bows, and says, "Make me one with everything".
The pizza guy looks at him, shrugs, and makes a veggie pizza with all the toppings.
He gives the pizza to the monk and says, "That'll be $13".
The monk hands him a twenty, and the pizza guy starts to walk away. "Hey", the monk says, "where's my change?"
The pizza guy looks at the monk, bows, and says, "Change must come from within".
call me a loser, but i've never understood that joke.
I first heard that one as a series of jokes.
How do you fit four elephants in a car?
Two in the front seat, two in the back.
How do you know if there's an elephant in your fridge?
By the foot prints in the butter.
How do you know if there's two elephants in your fridge?
You can hear them talking to each other.
How do you know if there's three elephants in your fridge?
You can hear two of them whispering about the other one behind his back.
How do you know if there are four elephants in your fridge?
Their car is in your drive way.
A pirate walks into a bar with his ship's wheel stuck to his crotch. The bartender says, "Geez, that looks uncomfortable. Is it bothering you any?"
And the pirate says, "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"
A Young woman is visiting a modern art gallery and stops in front of three side by side pictures. The first one is a picture of a burned toast, the second is the picture of a baby and the last one represents a man that had drowned in a river.
As the Curator walks by she asks him: "Excuse me but what do these pictures represent'?".
- "Oh it's a very popular exercise. The artist explores a theme and tries to depict it in different ways."
- The girl is even more perplexed "What is the theme?"
- "Pulled out too late!"
Yo mama is so ugly that when she tried to enter an ugly contest, they told her "No professionals, please"
You're so dirty you wipe your feet before you go outside.
A woman was shopping at the local supermarket
where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk man standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ''You must be single.'' The Woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by the drunk's intuition, since she was indeed single. As the woman looked at the six items on the belt she saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, She asked: ''Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?''
The drunk replied, ''Cause you're ing ugly.''
A midget with a lisp needs a horse and goes to visit a man who advertised a mare for sale. Being a discerning buyer, the midget wants to check the horse out thoroughly first so the man takes him back to the stable to see her. The midget tugs on the mans belt and says, "Hey mithta, I wanna thee her teef."
So the man gives the midget a boost up to the horse's mouth and the buyer checks out the teeth. As he goes to set the midget down the little guy pipes up again. "Hey mithta, I wanna thee in her eerth."
So the man hoists the midget up again and he gives her ears a close inspection. With his arms getting tired the man asks the midget if there's anything else he needs to see. The midget replies, "Yeah mithta, I wanna thee her ."
It's a weird request, but the man really feels like he's close to making this sale. So he tucks the midget under his arm, goes to the back of the horse and starts to lift her tail when the midget starts yelling at him, "Mithta, what da are you doing?"
The man puts the midget down and says, "I'm sorry, but you said-"
"I know what I thaid. I wanna thee if da howth can run good. Put a thaddle on her and let me thee her !"
A man walks into a bar pulls out a tiny pianist and a piano and then it starts playing on the bar. Then the man pulls out a lamp and gives it to the bartender. He tells him to rub it and a genie appear and will give him one wish. So the bartender rubs the lamp and he asks the genie that appears for a million bucks. After that he is surrounded by countless ducks. "I didn't ask for a million ducks" And the man that walked in says "And I didn't ask for a 12 inch pianist"
An Arab in mufti and an Australian are sitting together on a plane bound for Melbourne from Dubai.
After take-off the flight attendant comes round for the drinks orders.
Asking the Auusie what he wants, he orders a large Rum and Coke and the attendant serves him the drink.
Turning to the muslim she asks him for his drinks order.
He replies in disgust: "I would rather be savagely raped by a dozen s than let alcohol pass my lips....!!!"
Looking shocked at the outburst, the Aussie quickly hands his drink back to the flight attendant saying:
"Me too.... I didn't know we had a choice!""
A little girl goes into a pet shop.
She's looking around and then the owner asks her:
"What can I do for you, miss?"
She replies:
"I'm looking for a wabbit."
Owner, as he leads her to the hutches:
"Well, we have some rabbits over here if you want to take a look?"
The little girl walks over and looks into the hutches but doesn't seem to be able to make up her mind so the owner, stooping down to her, says:
"Well now, liddle girly, we have bwown wabbits, cute liddle fwuffy white wabbits and a bwack wabbit.... which would you like?"
The girl thinks a bit and then says:
"I don't think my pyfon gives a !!"
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........ You got nice house.'
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me ... It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. It had to be deliberate.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
