While creative, the examples you give suggest that the government is the injured party, and therefore should be the beneficiary of strict-scrutiny. But then, somehow, the government is not only not protected, but fails to satisfy a test that shouldn't even be applied in the first place? That's convoluted and not how it would work.
Testing would be rational. While perhaps over-inclusive, it's still sufficient to cons ute a rational governmental policy to curb drug use. End result - it's cons utional.