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Question, were you ever struck by lightning?
‘Cuz he’s named after a soda, and he’s always drinking.
The Spurs FO deserves their own movie. I'm working on the script. I thought I'd share the rough draft.....
Spurstalk Offseason Moves, The Movie Screenplay: “Mommy Wrightest”
*San Antonio, Texas. A summer afternoon in late July, early August.*
*The scene opens to an overhead shot of the south Texas neighborhood of Spurstalk. It’s a community of ranch-style, middle-class houses. The camera slowly magnifies in on one, all brick house, and then the camera pans into the front window. There’s a boy (Spursy) sitting in front of a Christmas tree. Odd to see a Christmas tree in July, but this is San Antonio, and these are odd times. A lady wearing an apron is standing over Spursy, holding a mixing bowl.*
SPURSY: I can’t wait to open my presents, Momma Wright! *looking up at her* When you said we’d get our pick of the 12th new action figure at the store, I was so excited! I’ve been researching at least 10 or 12 great new toys we should be able to get with you being the 12th in line!
MRS. WRIGHT: Here you go babe…enjoy!
*Mrs. Wright hands Spursy a nicely wrapped gift box. He rips into the wrapping, holds the box in front of him and he just stares at it. Several seconds pass. Tears well up in his eyes. *
MRS. WRIGHT: Do you like it sweetheart?
SPURSY: What is this, mom?!! What’s the label say?? A Primo?? What the is a Primo?!! I’ve never seen this toy before. Where was this toy made…Mexico?! There were so many toys I wanted…I even TOLD you the toys I wanted. My friend timvp even posted a list online to make your job easy! Just look at the fvcking list. It’s not hard. You went to the store early, got in line 12th, and this is the best you could do??? WHAT?! You fvcking suck “mom”!!!
MRS. WRIGHT: You seem just a bit disappointed. But you know, I know what’s best for you. I always know. This toy may not look like much now, but give it lots of water and care, spend a couple of years grooming it, working with it, improving it, and in about three years you’ll have a toy worthy of that 12th place in line…if you’re lucky!
SPURSY: I may have already said this, but you suck mom! Question, were you ever struck by lightning?
MRS. WRIGHT: That’s not a good at ude sweetheart. You have to learn to learn to like what I give you. That’s the way. Go talk to your Spurstalk friends. They’ll tell you. Lots of them will try to convince you that this doll is amazing…or will be amazing. Just go talk to them.
SPURSY: Got damnit!
MRS. WRIGHT: By the way, I got back in line, and got you the 41st new toy. Do you want to see it?
SPURSY: No. I’m too depressed about this got damn Primo doll. Just throw it over there in the corner. I’ll look at it later.
MRS. WRIGHT: It’s a Joe Wieskamp doll. He shoots threes. Come on. It’s nice.
SPURSY: Is that supposed to mean anything to me right now?? Got damn you’re dumb.
*Spursy looks blankly at the Primo doll. He tries to make it shoot jumpers, get back on defense. Run some offense. It works great for a second and then glitches. “This doll is going to need a lot of work”, Spursy thinks to himself. He glances down at the box Primo came in. He reaches down and finds a card in the box. It reads: “Do It Yourself Potential Future Star”. He flips the card over. The back reads: “No Refunds or Warranties, either written or implied”. All this time Mrs. Wright is standing a few feet away, staring off into space, stirring her bowl with an odd, sly smile on her face.*
*After several minutes of awkward silence, Spursy finally speaks up.*
SPURSY: Where’s dad?
MRS. WRIGHT: I’m not sure dear. I haven’t seen him in months.
SPURSY: Why did dad replace my real mom with you?
*Several seconds pass.*
SPURSY: Mom, I think it’s kind of funny that dad’s name is RC.
MRS. WRIGHT: Why is that dear?
SPURSY: ‘Cuz he’s named after a soda, and he’s always drinking.
*Spursy giggles at little bit at his own joke. Mrs. Wright says nothing, and just continues to look off into the distance, stirring her bowl*
SPURSY: Well, if that’s it I guess I’ll just go to bed. This was fun…umm not. I know you’re going to the flea markets and resale shops the next few days. Maybe you’ll find some cool toys there. I know dad and grandpa Pop left you lots of money when they went out of town. I looked in your purse and I saw it all in there. I’m sure even you won’t be able to screw that up. By sure, I mean not sure. Opposite day and all.
MRS. WRIGHT: Of course dear. I won’t. Goodnight.
SPURSY: Goodnight mom. By the way, do you know what happened to my real mom? Why did dad marry you again? Slumming? Drunken night in Mexico? I've never, ever understood.
MRS. WRIGHT: Goodnight dear.
*Spursy heads back towards the bedrooms and disappears down the hall. Mrs. Wright stares out the window, pulls out a cigarette and lights it. A hint of a smile crosses her face as she inhales a slow drag.*
*Several days have passed. Spursy walks in the house after spending the day talking with his Spurstalk friends. He sees two paper bags sitting on the dining room table. Mrs. Wright is standing next to them. A slight, sly smile is on her face.*
MRS. WRIGHT: I got you some more presents, son!
Spursy shows a look of genuine surprise.
SPURSY: You did? I figured we would just keep the same old toys we’ve had for the last three years. I mean, I know you were going to the market, but you never buy anything. So I just assumed….
MRS. WRIGHT: Well, we don’t get invited to the end of the year tournaments anymore, so I thought I’d mix things up a bit. See if maybe we’d be good enough to get an invite this next year.
SPURSY: Well, it’s about got damn time, mother. Side note, we were pretty good before YOU showed up…just an FYI. We didn't just go to tournaments, we won them. Do you know where my real mom is? Ok, the suspense isn't killing me, but what’d you get?
*Mrs. Wright shows the first hint of excitement she’s shown since she and Spursy have been together. *
MRS. WRIGHT: Well, open them son and find out!
*Spursy opens the first bag and pulls out a Doug McDermott doll. Flips it around. Stares at it.*
SPURSY: A Doug McDermott doll??
MRS. WRIGHT: You like it?
SPURSY: Well, he’s tall and can shoot, so that’s a vast improvement over the stuff you usually bring home. I’m assuming you didn’t use too much of dad’s money on this?
MRS. WRIGHT: No not at all. He was only $42 million, and we have three years to pay it off!
SPURSY: Fvck, mom!
MRS. WRIGHT: You don’t like it?
SPURSY: Jeez, I really want to…. but $42 million??
MRS. WRIGHT: Go talk to your Spurstalk friends. They’ll tell you that other action figures like this one were selling for a lot more.
SPURSY: Sell this to one of them, then.
MRS. WRIGHT: That’s funny dear. Do you want to open this other bag and see what’s inside?
SPURSY: I’m kind of scared to look at this point, mom. I can say with all certainty, though, that if the label on this next toy doesn’t say “Collins” I’m going to punch you in the jejunum.
MRS. WRIGHT: In that case, I think you’re going to love it!
SPURSY: Are you sh!tting me mom? No way!
*Spursy excitedly opens the bag. He looks inside and lets the bag drop to the floor.*
SPURSY: A Zach Collins doll?!! Zach??? Are you really that fvcking dumb? This doll is broken. Honestly it has never actually worked. Look at it! Look!! The foot is just dangling off this side of this thing. No one in their (w)right mind would buy this doll. Did you not look at it at all?!!
MRS. WRIGHT: Exactly.
SPURSY: Please tell me you pulled this out of the bargain bin.
MRS. WRIGHT: Yes! This one was only $22 million…AND….we have three years to pay it off!
SPURSY: Fvck you, mom.
*Seconds of silence*
MRS. WRIGHT: I made you some soup son. It’s your favorite.
SPURSY: You really don't know a thing about me, my friends, or what any of us like, do you? I can’t eat wright now anyway.
MRS. WRIGHT: Well, I’ve got some more presents for you, my dear. Do you want to see them?
SPURSY: Jeezus. I'm scared. I truly am scared.
MRS. WRIGHT: I traded your DeRozan doll.
SPURSY: You WHAT?? Really?!! *Spursy perks up a bit in his chair*
MRS. WRIGHT: Yeah, I traded your DeRozan doll for a Thaddeus Young doll, an Al-Farouq Aminu doll, and an order for 3 new action figures from our friends in Chicago in the future.
SPURSY: Well, damn, that’s not horrible. By your standards getting anything for DeRozan is like landing LeBron. I mean, you did get another broken, piece of sh!t toy with Aminu, but that Thaddeus one is pretty cool…old, but cool…and the new action figures we’re getting down the road could possibly be ok if you don’t screw that up. Plus, I was pretty tired of the DeRozan doll. It never was good enough to get us a tournament invite.
MRS. WRIGHT: So I did good?
SPURSY: Not bad, mom, not bad.
MRS. WRIGHT: I also got you this box from Australia as a little extra surprise! *She pulls the box out from under the table. She hands it across to Spursy, smiling*
SPURSY: Wow, wasn’t expecting anything else.
*Spursy tentatively opens the corner flap of the box and peeks in.*
SPURSY: A Jock Landale? Weird, but cool. This is actually pretty neat, mom! He’s big. He can shoot. He’s tall. He looks like he’ll be fun to have out there with the other toys. With him and McDermott at least there are a couple of big toys who can stretch the floor when we have them out there playing.
MRS. WRIGHT: I thought you’d like it! I also wanted to let you know that I gave away your Mills doll and your Gay doll. They were so old and stinky. The dog kept trying to bury them in the yard. I figured you would want some room in your closet for your new toys, anyway. I hope that’s ok.
SPURSY: Ok?? It’s perfect. Wow, mom! You actually redeemed yourself a little bit today. You're not the dumb son of a . . I thought you were. I actually was beginning to think you were severely mentally challenged, or worse, you were secretly trying to sabotage me, dad and grandpa, and this entire toy collection that we all have loved so much over the years. You’ve proven me wrong today. Not great purchases, but I can tell you were at least trying!
MRS. WRIGHT: You’re welcome dear. My pleasure. And you do know that your grandpa and dad have a say in what toys I buy, correct?
SPURSY: Sure, mom. Where is dad again?
*Spursy looks around at his new toy collection. He thinks to himself, “I can work with these toys. The ‘Misfits’. He giggles at the name. “We can be the underdogs that prove the doubters wrong. I put these toys with my Walker, White, Johnson and Murray dolls, and maybe, just maybe, there’s a tournament in my future!” Spursy smiles his first real smile since his new mom, Mrs. Wright showed up. He lines up all the action figures and looks at them in a row.*
SPURSY: This was a good day mom. A good day.
MRS. WRIGHT: I’m glad you’re happy, dear. Eat your soup now, my sweet boy.
*Spursy digs into his soup, eating voraciously. It’s the first time he’s had an appe e in weeks.*
SPURSY: Mom…thanks. But this soup…it’s a little different. I’m not sure I like the taste of it.
MRS. WRIGHT: Just dig in son, you need to eat. *Spursy swallows another big spoonful of soup. Mrs. Wright lights up a cigarette. A slight smile crosses her face.*
*Spursy hears some movement in the kitchen. Mrs. Wright is blocking his view of the stove. More noise. Clanging pans. He leans over to his wright and looks past her. His eyes widen. He drops his spoon to the ground.*
SPURSY: Da fvck??!!
*Standing next to a boiling pot of soup on the stove is a Brynn Forbes action figure. Spursy remembers throwing him in the trash over a year ago. The only thing different about the doll he threw away is that this one is wearing a shiny new ring, but it’s the same piece of sh!t doll he happily chucked in the garbage. He still has that angry look on this face. Flies are flying around the stove, diving right into the soup. The Forbes doll is defenseless to stop them, but smacks his fist into his hand like he actually is trying. *
*Spursy then squints his eyes for better focus, and notices that the Forbes doll is pouring a bottle of Pine Sol into the pot boiling on the stove. Two more Pine Sol bottles are sitting at the top of the kitchen trash can. Mrs. Wright realizes Spursy has spotted the Forbes doll and moves in the way to reblock Spursy’s view.*
MRS. WRIGHT: Spursy, Brynn is just helping momma make your grandpa some soup. Grandpa Pop should be home from Japan any time now. I want to surprise him with his favorite dish and his favorite toy. When we threw the Forbes doll away last year, Grandpa Pop was really sad. I like him to be happy.
SPURSY: But won’t that kill him mom??
MRS. WRIGHT: The soup, or the doll? *Mrs. Wright lets out a slight giggle, followed by a loud fart. She giggles again.*
MRS. WRIGHT: I think I sharted. Another giggle.
*Spursy looks down in disgust. Suddenly there’s a dull thud, and Spursy feels a warm, wet trickle of liquid go down his face. The room starts to spin. The camera switches to the view through Spursy’s eyes. He’s looking out the window, the edges of the frame are cloudy, blurry and dark. Through blurry vision, Spursy spots a mound of dirt from a freshly filled hole, with two additional holes dug on either side. A shovel rests on the dirt mound. Spursy turns and looks up at Mrs. Wright. Fear in his eyes.*
MRS. WRIGHT: Goodnight son.
*Another thud.*
*The room goes dark.*
The End.
Question, were you ever struck by lightning?
‘Cuz he’s named after a soda, and he’s always drinking.
Clever. I didn't get to read it all because I'm at work, but did Mrs. Wright beat the living out of Spursy with a coat hanger?
Last edited by Twisted_Dawg; 08-04-2021 at 03:54 PM.
This was the therapy my doctor recommended after the draft and free agency signings.
The sicker spursy gets the better the presents get. Sounds like a plan!
Genius.
Norman Bates had a better Mother.
*wall of text*
tl;dr version?
You have too much time on your hands.
beaten with a shower curtain rod
nice.
EHJ has a lot more time on his hands for creative writing ever since the Spurs' SPAM expired
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