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Dammit...
Dammit...
That's awesome
lmao... i havent laughed so hard in days...
THIS IS THE BEST ONE SO FAR
He always brought home milk on Friday.
After a long hard week full of days he would burst through the door, his fatigue hidden behind a smile. There was an icy jug of Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz in his right hand. With his left hand he would grip my waist - I was always cooking dinner - and press the cold frostiness of the jug against my arm as he kissed my cheek. I would jump, mostly to gratify him after a time, and smile lovingly at him. He was a good man, a wonderful husband who always brought the milk on Friday, Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz.
Then there was that Friday, the terrible Friday that would ruin every Friday for the rest of my life. The door opened, but there was no bouyant greeting - no cold jug against the back of my arm. There was no Tuscan Whole Milk in his right hand, nor his left. There came no kiss. I watched as he sat down in a kitchen chair to remove his shoes. He wore no fatigue, but also no smile. I didn't speak, but turned back to the beans I had been stirring. I stirred until most of their little shrivelled skins floated to the surface of the cloudy water. Something was wrong, but it was vague wrongness that no amount of hard thought could give shape to.
Over dinner that night I casually inserted,"What happened to the milk?"
"Oh,"he smiled sheepishly, glancing aside,"I guess I forgot today."
That was when I knew. He was tired of this life with me, tired of bringing home the Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz. He was probably shoveling funds into a secret bank account, looking at apartments in town, casting furtive glances at cashiers and secretaries and waitresses. That's when I knew it was over. Some time later he moved in with a cashier from the Food Mart down the street. And me? Well, I've gone soy.
I saw this on sale at my local grocery store. I figured hey its Tuscan.. it must be quality. I was horribly wrong. As soon as i opened it, my daughter started to act a little strange as she quoted passages from the bible that i've never heard before (considering we are not a religious family). I just ignored it and had a bowl of frosted flakes. Two weeks later I find her bed ridden.. i figured she just wanted some 2%. i attempted to pour some on her to snap her out of it. it boiled off her skin. Now she speaks in an old english tongue and i cannot understand her. I am now writing a letter to Tuscan seeking damages in the form of coupons.
I ordered this milk recently for my family room, but I was very unhappy when I received it. First of all, it is not the same color as it appears to be online. The picture makes it look white, but it is really more of a gray color- not what I was expecting. Secondly, the construction and materials are very cheap. Plastic, plastic everywhere! You'll be lucky if this thing lasts for a few months before you have to replace it. The handle is a nice idea, but not really that useful since I generally don't take milk with me when I travel. Especially now that I can no longer bring it on an airplane. On top of all this, my milk was shipped to me with a dent in the side. I contacted Tuscan to inquire about sending it in for repairs and was told that it does not even have a warranty! I recommend you keep looking.
On the nose this milk is exceptionally elegant. Dominant floral notes (mint and white flowers) mingle with hints of fresh fruit (citrus fruits, fresh almonds). As it undergoes aeration, riper notes of vanilla and nougat come to the fore, giving a pleasant roundness to the milk. At this stage a typical whole milk characteristic, crisp elegance, clearly prevails over aromatic strength.
In the mouth, the milk, especially in the gallon size, reveals its true personality. Fruity notes (white peaches, grapefruit and bergamot) dominate an energetic attack on the palate, which is prolonged by the structure and roundedness of the milk. The balance, a combination of freshness and vigour, is ideal. With a finish that is extremely persistent and clean, mineral notes add force to this noble cow juice.
what happen?
somebody set up us the milk!
we get signal
Milk?
main tuscan turn milk
its you!
how are you gentlemen?
ALL YOUR TUSCAN WHOLE MILK, 1 GALLON, 128 FL OZ ARE BELONG TO US
You are on the way to destruction!
what milk say?
you have no chance to survive make your $3.99
MILK MILK MILK MILK!!
take off every "gallon" you know what you are drinking
move "Tuscan whole milk, 1 gallon, 128 fl oz"
for great justice
My name is Zach, a former employee of Tuscan Dairy Products.
To understand why I'm writing this we must go into further detail of why I am not currently employed by Tuscan Dairy Products at this juncture.
My position at Tuscan Dairy Products was called "Container Control Specialist". Basically, my job requirements were to hold an empty one gallon jug while it was being filled with Tuscan Whole Milk.
I know what you're thinking, "DREAM JOB". You couldn't be more right.
At first my job at Tuscan Whole Milk was exciting and fun. Nothing pleased me more than getting up in the morning knowing "I'm about to see the most magnificent and wonderful substance on earth". All I could think about was Tuscan Whole Milk, and that is where my life started its death spiral into the Abyss of dank, musky and pure Tuscan Whole Milk.
From the beginning my wife was jealous of me. She loved Tuscan Whole Milk, as we all do. But something pained her inside when I would mention Tuscan Whole Milk. She was bored with her job at SuperCuts. Upon arriving at home each day she would say exactly the following "What happened at work today, and give me DETAILS?" She was crazed for Tuscan Whole Milk, much like a crystal meth addict. She longed for the thick, cold and ever so beautiful taste of Tuscan Whole Milk.
But the jealousy had gone too far. After fulfilling my duties at work, my supervisor Jim decided to let me go home early. This is where it starts. I arrived at my homestead with my usual 2 jugs in hand(s), only to hear a moaning coming from our master bathroom. Furious, I barged into the room only to see my wife... Her insides filled to the brim with Tuscan Whole Milk.
I immediately filed for divorce and left my wife.
I got an apartment closer to work so I could spend more time with Tuscan Whole Milk. I was on a slippery slope. I would drink nothing but Tuscan Whole Milk until I vomited. I knew I had a problem, and the first step was admitting it. I was addicted to Tuscan Whole Milk. Being bloated, feeling sick, excessive diarrhea, lung disease, and milk lips are all symptoms of Tuscan Whole Milk abuse.
I had to quit my job at Tuscan Dairy Products to stay away from Tuscan Whole Milk. I am currently working at Ned's Video on Auburn and Sunrise as the Video Tape Rewinder. Its part time and the pay is bad, but at least it keeps me away from Tuscan Whole Milk.
Please kids, be safe and limit your consumption of Tuscan Whole Milk to a gallon a day.
Tears......make.....it.......hard.......to......ty pe
If God spit in my mouth, I assume this is what it would taste like. It's that good.
That is hillarious. You can also "buy it together" with 4.5 lbs of Chiquita Bananas for only 6.98!!!
I came around to Tuscan milk because of all the remarkable reviews on Amazon. And I wasn't disappointed. I am subject to bouts of sudden, violent and uncontrollable bleeding from the eyes and rectum. Fortunately, drinking Tuscan Whole Milk eliminates what can be pretty dang embarassing at parties.
Unfortunately, when I would leave jugs of Tuscan milk on the dashboard of my car last summer, the milk would become spoiled, which suprised me. I'm sure the Tuscan laboratory is trying to create a milk that can be left on dashboards in the summer without spoiling as we speak. Rock on, Tuscan!
Online ordering of extremely perishable food is going to TAKE OFF when people realize how much fun and convenient the idea is. I got my milk just yesterday. Here are all the details!
Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz
$3.99 - Quan y: 1 - In Stock
Condition: new
Sold by: Gristedes Supermarkets of New York
I was considering buying used milk from a trusted Amazon reseller but decided against it. So you'll notice the condition of MY milk was "New." I deserve this luxury.
I toyed with the idea of second business day delivery but Amazon in its infinite wisdom limited me to "Expedited."
Shipping Method: Expedited
Here's the best part.
Order Summary
Items: $3.99
Shipping & Handling: $26.25
Total Before Tax: $30.24
Estimated Tax:* $0.00
Order Total: $30.24
Why go to my local store and pay $2.99 for a galon of milk when I can have it overnight delivered for 10 times that price? I think I'll get three gallons next time. As a current Pentagon employee, this makes perfect sense to me. You won't Be-Lieve the taste of 30 dollar milk. It just coats the tongue with layer upon layer of bovine extract luxury. Internet milk is soooo much more milkyliscious than crappy store bought. Next, I'll be checking out the $50 12 ounce hot coffee order. Catch the wave!
what a great read.
How the devil was I supposed to figure out that this is cow's milk? Do you think somebody would have the common sense and foresight to tell me ahead of time, before I s ed out my hard-earned cash?
Don't waste your time and money, folks. You're still going to have to suck on your wife's nipple the old fashioned way.
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