What’s in a name? Not much with the NBA

[Kori Ellis]

What’s in a name? Not much with the NBA
By GARY STALLARD

Link

The Astros lost, the local volleyball season is winding down, and I’m shifting gears on my sports seasons like Dale Jarrett on a re-start.

Basketball is on its way. I know this because all week long I’ve seen highlights and scores from the NBA exhibition season. And it was then that I noticed something terribly awry with professional basketball (other than the felonious rosters and drug bust stat sheets).

Too many team names make no sense.

Seriously. They don’t fit. In fact, some of them run the gamut from absurd to just plain questionable.

Maybe the list of cool names has been depleted. But with the NBA now a multi-billion dollar industry, someone, somewhere should have noticed this before I did. (But I’ll take credit, all the same.) If you’re going to spend all that money on a team and its host city, at least come up with something catchy, original and - when possible - meaningful. I mean, you wouldn’t hold up your beautiful, newborn daughter and proudly proclaim, “You look like a Bubba to me.”

Wait. This IS East Texas. That could happen.

Part of the problem has been with expansion. Cities are in a hurry to land a franchise, so maybe they don’t put as much thought into the process as they should. Sort of a “slap a name on it, quick before they change their mind” approach. Charlotte, after losing one team, landed another for this season. The original franchise - the one that became the Hornets - bandied about such mascots as The Spirit, The Gold, The Knights.

Weak stuff, right? So surely they would come up something snazzy and intimidating for their latest entry.

What did we get? The Bobcats. You gotta be kidding me. Not to deride those fine citizens - Wait. Yes, I am. But do you know how many high school teams are named the “Bobcats”? About as many as are named the “Hornets.” Great high school names. Lousy pro names.

And when New Orleans received the former Charlotte team, did they re-name them? Did that add a little of that marvelous New Orleans e and pizzazz to the mix? Did they draw from Mardi Gras, the blues and jazz culture, the incredible history behind the city?

Nope. They kept the Hornets. It’s downright deplorable.

How about a little creativity here, people?

And if you’re not going to be creative, at least make sure your name makes sense. The Utah Jazz? That made perfect sense when they were in New Orleans, but not after to moving to that veritable hotbed of jazz music in Salt Lake City. This is one tune that sounds WAY out of key.

The Lakers make no sense, either, and I’m not just talking about the whole Kobe/Shaq/Dr. Phil soap opera. Originally based in Minnesota - Land of a Thousand Lakes, right? - the Minneapolis Lakers made their great pilgrimage to the West Coast and kept the name. The name is obsolete now. They drink BOTTLED water out there, people, and most of them wouldn’t know a lake if they were drowning in it.

In Toronto, they got the Raptors. Of course, the franchise was born right around the same time “Jurassic Park” was big at the box office.

Guess it’s a good thing they weren’t big “Forrest Gump” fans. Vancouver Grizzlies was believable. But Memphis Grizzlies? Nope. Been to Memphis a million times, and the closest thing I saw to a grizzly was an angry hillbilly woman.

The Boston Celtics are so named, supposedly, because of the city’s large Irish population. So what if San Antonio had followed that same principle? Would we have “The San Antonio Chicanos?”

Actually, all the Texas teams make sense. Houston’s Rockets (aerospace capital at one time); the Spurs (West Texas; Duh); and the Mavericks. (Although they were very nearly re-named “The Armadillos” just because they always got killed on the road.)

I can live with Detroit’s Pistons. (Cars, pistons.) Although I still say there should be some sort of tribute to Ben Wallace’s ‘fro.

The Knicks, one of two teams still playing in their original cities (Boston is the other), probably need a nickname overhaul. The name “Knickerbockers” paid tribute to the original Dutch settlers, who wore those dorky-looking pants called “knickers.” Since no one has worn anything resembling those things since my high school chemistry teacher, I suggest a new name. “The Throwbacks” maybe. The “Bling-Blings.”

Atlanta’s Hawks sound pretty good, unless you know the history. Originally from an area comprising cities in Illinois and Iowa, they were actually called “The Blackhawks” after members of the Great Blackhawk War in 1831. (Larry Brown’s first year as a coach.)

There never were any Blackhawks in Georgia. They were all eaten by the Raptors. Delete that name.

Oh, and Atlanta was the first city south of the Mason-Dixon line to get a professional basketball team. Before that, they all resided in the Northeast. (Heck, name ‘em ALL the “Yankees.”)

Denver Nuggets? Gold rush. Orlando Magic? Disney World. Gotta keep it. (Besides, it beats the heck out of “The Goofies.”)

Minnesota Timberwolves; that whole snowy, winterized thing works just fine. Great match with the Vikings.

Phoenix Suns - very aptly named. Miami Heat? Sounds good, but it almost didn’t. I heard they were actually considering “The Vice” for a team name at one time. Team colors would have been something in pastel, I’m sure.

Sacramento Kings – Kings of what? New Jersey Nets – Why? Is that as original as they can get? Guess that’s better than the Rims or the Backboards.

The Chicago Bulls? I don’t get it. I’ve been to Chicago, and if there had been bulls there, they’d have frozen to death or been blown into the nearest Great Lake. Name ‘em the Chicago Blizzards. Original, yet apropos.

And how about the Washington Wizards? Another team seemingly capitalizing on a cultural phenomena. Personally, I would have loved to see “The Washington Dumbledorffs.” (This would actually make a better match for their bumbling, stumbling style of play.)

The more I read some of these names, the more I realize just how on track I am. Maybe we should start a movement. See if we can get the NBA to propose a study of all team names. If it fits, if it’s cool, it stays.

If it stinks, we’ll toss it out with the rest of the Armadillos.

[LandShark]

and the Mavericks. (Although they were very nearly re-named “The Armadillos” just because they always got killed on the road.)

[ShoogarBear]

Who is this guy? San Antonio, West Texas?

And I never heard the word "Chicano" until I moved to, ironically, the East Coast.