Marklar MM
03-30-2006, 07:55 PM
NBA TO INSTITUTE NEW 'COMFORT ZONE' DEFENSE
Commissioner David Stern announced Wednesday that the NBA will institute a new defensive system dubbed the 'comfort zone'. Such a system includes offensive players being allowed to operate in an area in which they feel comfortable, without defensive pressure. Ideally this would mean that the defensive player is not allowed to come any closer than two feet from the offensive player, or it is a foul. "We will make each player individually tell us how big their comfort zone is, and that will be the space alotted to them on the basketball court" said Stern. Evidently the primary goal is to space the floor and allow for more heart-stopping highlights and slamma-jamma dunks. "It's really the next logical step" continued Stern, "we took away the handchecking, and that was a good start. Now you have guards putting up 40, 50 points regularly. But still, I could use a little more cash, so with the Comfort Zone you should finally see these young athletes at their best."
Many guards are expected to offer a two foot comfort zone. One of these guards is Allen Iverson of the Philidelphia 76ers. "Yeah, two feet is good" said Iverson, "that way I can still break my mans ankles if I want, and if that don't work I know I still have an uncontested jump shot." Some players are expected to ask for much more. Soon-to-be NBA player JJ Redick said he would like a 15 foot comfort zone. "I don't want anybody even close to me, ever." There are a few players who have asked for special provisions, such as New York Knicks guard Steve Francis. "I would like to have a two foot comfort zone, except when we're playing the Clippers. When Cat is guarding me, I want a -3 inch zone. Is that legal?"
While this new system will benefit slashers, shooters and bangers, it is expected to severely limit others. "Man what the fuck am I gonna do now?" Said Ben Wallace, "I guess I'll go back home and work at that gas station again." Defensive specialists across the NBA are in a panic, but little seems to be changing Stern's mind. "I haven't made a dollar on a defensive ace since I've been commish" said Stern. "So I say screw em'. Let em' go play for the NCAA or some shit." Defensive specialists aren't the only ones in danger of losing a job. Manu Ginobli of the San Antonio Spurs, a player with limited basketball talent but much acting ability, is scared the new rule with harness his game. "Okay, who the hell am I gonna run into now? If I can't carelessly flop onto somebody's knee, I am no good to my team. I might as well quit. I guess I'll go be a gay porn star like my mom always said I would be."
The comfort zone is expected to wildly shift the balance of powers in the NBA. The Spurs and Pistons are projected to out in the first round of the playoffs, and likely lottery teams next season. The Phoenix Suns are the hands-down favorites to win the title not just this year, but every year until Steve Nash retires. That's not because of the comfort zone itself, but because one of the provisions is that Steve Nash win everything possible until the end of his career, so "the short, white people will continue to watch". Hassan Adams of Arizona is now a projected top 5 pick, and Greg Oden is expected to go pro in something other than sports.
Defense will not be completely thrown out the window under the new system. Teams are still allowed to intercept passes, but only if the passes are routine, boring passes. A pass thrown behind the back or an alley-oop is not to be intercepted, or it is a technical foul. Intercepted passes must lead to fast breaks, which must be finished with a thunderous dunk, or it only counts for one point. Blocks are still allowed, but only if they are hard, in-your-face blocks that totally embarrass the offensive player. Otherwise all blocks are goaltends. Jump balls will now be settled by a dunk contest. One more provision: all missed dunks are personal fouls, unless the player missing the dunk is under 6 feet, in which case they get as many do-overs as it takes, and when they finally complete their lame ass dunk it will be worth five points.
This was written by kyluvjesus on the IGN boards,
Commissioner David Stern announced Wednesday that the NBA will institute a new defensive system dubbed the 'comfort zone'. Such a system includes offensive players being allowed to operate in an area in which they feel comfortable, without defensive pressure. Ideally this would mean that the defensive player is not allowed to come any closer than two feet from the offensive player, or it is a foul. "We will make each player individually tell us how big their comfort zone is, and that will be the space alotted to them on the basketball court" said Stern. Evidently the primary goal is to space the floor and allow for more heart-stopping highlights and slamma-jamma dunks. "It's really the next logical step" continued Stern, "we took away the handchecking, and that was a good start. Now you have guards putting up 40, 50 points regularly. But still, I could use a little more cash, so with the Comfort Zone you should finally see these young athletes at their best."
Many guards are expected to offer a two foot comfort zone. One of these guards is Allen Iverson of the Philidelphia 76ers. "Yeah, two feet is good" said Iverson, "that way I can still break my mans ankles if I want, and if that don't work I know I still have an uncontested jump shot." Some players are expected to ask for much more. Soon-to-be NBA player JJ Redick said he would like a 15 foot comfort zone. "I don't want anybody even close to me, ever." There are a few players who have asked for special provisions, such as New York Knicks guard Steve Francis. "I would like to have a two foot comfort zone, except when we're playing the Clippers. When Cat is guarding me, I want a -3 inch zone. Is that legal?"
While this new system will benefit slashers, shooters and bangers, it is expected to severely limit others. "Man what the fuck am I gonna do now?" Said Ben Wallace, "I guess I'll go back home and work at that gas station again." Defensive specialists across the NBA are in a panic, but little seems to be changing Stern's mind. "I haven't made a dollar on a defensive ace since I've been commish" said Stern. "So I say screw em'. Let em' go play for the NCAA or some shit." Defensive specialists aren't the only ones in danger of losing a job. Manu Ginobli of the San Antonio Spurs, a player with limited basketball talent but much acting ability, is scared the new rule with harness his game. "Okay, who the hell am I gonna run into now? If I can't carelessly flop onto somebody's knee, I am no good to my team. I might as well quit. I guess I'll go be a gay porn star like my mom always said I would be."
The comfort zone is expected to wildly shift the balance of powers in the NBA. The Spurs and Pistons are projected to out in the first round of the playoffs, and likely lottery teams next season. The Phoenix Suns are the hands-down favorites to win the title not just this year, but every year until Steve Nash retires. That's not because of the comfort zone itself, but because one of the provisions is that Steve Nash win everything possible until the end of his career, so "the short, white people will continue to watch". Hassan Adams of Arizona is now a projected top 5 pick, and Greg Oden is expected to go pro in something other than sports.
Defense will not be completely thrown out the window under the new system. Teams are still allowed to intercept passes, but only if the passes are routine, boring passes. A pass thrown behind the back or an alley-oop is not to be intercepted, or it is a technical foul. Intercepted passes must lead to fast breaks, which must be finished with a thunderous dunk, or it only counts for one point. Blocks are still allowed, but only if they are hard, in-your-face blocks that totally embarrass the offensive player. Otherwise all blocks are goaltends. Jump balls will now be settled by a dunk contest. One more provision: all missed dunks are personal fouls, unless the player missing the dunk is under 6 feet, in which case they get as many do-overs as it takes, and when they finally complete their lame ass dunk it will be worth five points.
This was written by kyluvjesus on the IGN boards,