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Hilarious!
NBA TO INS UTE NEW 'COMFORT ZONE' DEFENSE
Commissioner David Stern announced Wednesday that the NBA will ins ute a new defensive system dubbed the 'comfort zone'. Such a system includes offensive players being allowed to operate in an area in which they feel comfortable, without defensive pressure. Ideally this would mean that the defensive player is not allowed to come any closer than two feet from the offensive player, or it is a foul. "We will make each player individually tell us how big their comfort zone is, and that will be the space alotted to them on the basketball court" said Stern. Evidently the primary goal is to space the floor and allow for more heart-stopping highlights and slamma-jamma dunks. "It's really the next logical step" continued Stern, "we took away the handchecking, and that was a good start. Now you have guards putting up 40, 50 points regularly. But still, I could use a little more cash, so with the Comfort Zone you should finally see these young athletes at their best."
Many guards are expected to offer a two foot comfort zone. One of these guards is Allen Iverson of the Philidelphia 76ers. "Yeah, two feet is good" said Iverson, "that way I can still break my mans ankles if I want, and if that don't work I know I still have an uncontested jump shot." Some players are expected to ask for much more. Soon-to-be NBA player JJ Re said he would like a 15 foot comfort zone. "I don't want anybody even close to me, ever." There are a few players who have asked for special provisions, such as New York Knicks guard Steve Francis. "I would like to have a two foot comfort zone, except when we're playing the Clippers. When Cat is guarding me, I want a -3 inch zone. Is that legal?"
While this new system will benefit slashers, shooters and bangers, it is expected to severely limit others. "Man what the am I gonna do now?" Said Ben Wallace, "I guess I'll go back home and work at that gas station again." Defensive specialists across the NBA are in a panic, but little seems to be changing Stern's mind. "I haven't made a dollar on a defensive ace since I've been commish" said Stern. "So I say screw em'. Let em' go play for the NCAA or some ." Defensive specialists aren't the only ones in danger of losing a job. Manu Ginobli of the San Antonio Spurs, a player with limited basketball talent but much acting ability, is scared the new rule with harness his game. "Okay, who the am I gonna run into now? If I can't carelessly flop onto somebody's knee, I am no good to my team. I might as well quit. I guess I'll go be a gay porn star like my mom always said I would be."
The comfort zone is expected to wildly shift the balance of powers in the NBA. The Spurs and Pistons are projected to out in the first round of the playoffs, and likely lottery teams next season. The Phoenix Suns are the hands-down favorites to win the le not just this year, but every year until Steve Nash retires. That's not because of the comfort zone itself, but because one of the provisions is that Steve Nash win everything possible until the end of his career, so "the short, white people will continue to watch". Hassan Adams of Arizona is now a projected top 5 pick, and Greg Oden is expected to go pro in something other than sports.
Defense will not be completely thrown out the window under the new system. Teams are still allowed to intercept passes, but only if the passes are routine, boring passes. A pass thrown behind the back or an alley-oop is not to be intercepted, or it is a technical foul. Intercepted passes must lead to fast breaks, which must be finished with a thunderous dunk, or it only counts for one point. Blocks are still allowed, but only if they are hard, in-your-face blocks that totally embarrass the offensive player. Otherwise all blocks are goaltends. Jump balls will now be settled by a dunk contest. One more provision: all missed dunks are personal fouls, unless the player missing the dunk is under 6 feet, in which case they get as many do-overs as it takes, and when they finally complete their lame ass dunk it will be worth five points.
This was written by kyluvjesus on the IGN boards,
Hilarious!
If that were the case Manu's comfort zone would be near the basket and if no one can get near him then easy buckets. He'd be avearging 100 PPG so I don't know why he would be scared.
Did you understand the article? The comfort zone is a distance around the players body, not a spot on the court. It is saying that Manu's game is based around flopping, and having a comfort zone would limit his ability to flop, rendering him a useless player.
Manu's body is usually in the paint.......so...........if he's in the paint which is right near the basket then easy buckets. He'd be averaging 100PPG.
Seattle Sonics forward Ray Allen, asked about the new rule, said "I'm cool with it. My comfort zone is about three feet. Except for that dirty bas Bruce Bowen, who has to remain at the airport so I don't have to whine about him after the game."
He can still be blocked...as long as it goes 3 rows into the stands.
terrible fake article.
The article is funny. but while dissing ginobili about flopping is already quite "common" now, the gay pornstar was still very rude.
Hehe. How about the Francis/Mobley quote. -3 inches
Honestly(and maybe Im just being bias here), but Manu hasn't "flopped" as much during the season as he did last year--could be the injuries he's suffered this year or the refs not just giving him that call as years past, or just who knows!
Then again we might see a different Manu in the playoffs!!!!!!!
lol
Funny stuff..
Funny....sort of. Nice fun poked in hatred for Ginobili, arguably one of the top 20 players in the world.
How about a warning before you post something like this? I nearly headbutted my monitor and used my keyboart to bat my mouse through the window. So maybe I'm slow, but it took me more than a few sentences to realize this was a joke.
This new rule sucks. The Spurs will have a hard time with it. Damn.
Lol, that was hilarious. And I'm sorry to the Spurs fans, but I thought the Ginobili thing was funny. I can't help it, lol.
The article was semi-funny, not really though.
i need to take a bog and send it to this guy, worst bs ive ever read.
Have a sense of humor, just cuz it disses Manu doesn't mean it's not funny. This article was hilarious, I nearly cried I laughed so hard.
I think that there was also a satirical article like this one where Tim talked about the only time he ever dunked in a game ("I don't know, it just sort of happened. I went up for a layup and my hand hit the rim"), funny stuff.
I don't like this rule.
Is Stern insaine or what? How the defense will look now?
Ps. Gino could be a gay porn star? I didn't knew that.
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