Need Love Advice...

[BacktoBasics]

I need to know what the cir stance was to properly diagnose the situation.

[1Parker1]

Now that you are single, are you ready to finally give in to me?

Thanks, but I'm not sure I'm that desperate yet.


It's 9am and I'm already thinking about going to a bar and getting drunk I cannot believe I am letting him affect me this way. I am such a logical, practical minded person. And while I know in my mind that whatever happened, happened for a reason...it still doesn't help me cope in any way. I think the biggest part of a breakup is the rut. He became sort of a habit for me, u know? Like everyday, something would happen, and my first thought would be...oh wait till I tell him! Or I got used to making plans with him, texting him, talking to him, etc. And now, it's like every time I reach for the phone, I realize, I can't. I hate that this has turned me into such a whiny little girl.


Oh, and I definitely am open to finding a bunch of guys to beat him....

[1Parker1]

Some great advice in this thread.

leemajors - those 4 quotes are spot-on. I try to live my life by similar values.

1Parker1, I don't understand why you feel let down by HIM if you were broken up by cir stances beyond either of your control - that doesn't make sense. If it is out of either of your hands, shouldn't you be angry at the Universe? Oh, and if you really do love each other and you feel he's your future and he feels the same, don't let the world get in the way! Make it happen, whatever it takes! I've made that mistake (letting go of someone I could and should have spent the rest of my life with), don't be left wondering what might have been.

I'm in the opposite position to you - I've been alone too long and I think it's slowly driving me crazy...

Hey, I'm willing to fight those cir stances out of our control...he isn't. Which just makes me feel so dumb. I know I deserve a guy who would fight for me. I just never thought that he wouldn't be that type of guy. How do you really know someone these days? It's like you can't trust anyone. So many Guys (and probably most girls too) just tell you what you want to hear and put on a persona that's not really them. I'm one of those people that is totally 100% honest...sometimes brutally so. I never, ever lie and I'm a firm believer that you should treat others the way you want to be treated. I can't imagine treating a guy and ending things with someone the way he did with me. I guess that's what makes the whole thing even more confusing.

And the fact that I still want him, after everything he did just makes me feel even dumber!

[1Parker1]

1Parker1 -- Sorry to hear you're going through tough times. I know the feeling for sure.

Hard to give any blanket advice for you, since no two situations are alike, and I'm a guy so I'm giving advice from the opposite side. For it's worth though -- here's what helped me years ago.....after lots of disappointment in the dating scene and a couple of crushing heartbreaks, I gave up on dating and looking for "the right girl" and completely threw myself into my work. All emotions, including angst and hurt, went toward that. 100%. No need to go into specifics unless you really want them, but it essentially meant that I began building a freelance career that I always dreamed of and abandoned what most folks would consider a stable professional career (whatever that means these days!). Basically, I made a life-changing decision, but it was because I realized I was unhappy with the course of my life. The result: it made me focus fulltime on building a life that I was proud of, and left me no time for looking for love. Funny thing is that as my confidence in myself grew, my dating life and prospects improved mightily. Looking back, it's probably not a coincidence. The life-changing decision happened back in 2001, so it's been a while, but I'm happily married now and the crushing heartbreaks that made me feel an inch high and like I wanted to vomit.....those things are ancient history, even though they happened within the last ten years. Bottom line: focus on yourself and make yourself into who you want to be, and love will come looking for you on your terms rather than on someone else's. I'm not saying you've gotta junk your old life the way I did, but crushing breakups give you a lot of fuel for rebuilding. Use it to your advantage. Wish you much luck!! Keep pushing.

I was doing all that BEFORE I met him. I've always focused on myself, my career, etc. In fact, I'm about to take the GMAT's this Monday, took the LSAT's a couple months ago, I'm planning on applying to grad school...all the things I've always wanted to do. Instead of studying this week, I ended up crying every night over this a-hole . I couldn't even concentrate on work this week...and I know I'm only hurting myself dwelling on this, but how can you not?

I don't know about you guys, but it's rare that I've come across someone and thought to myself, "Hey, I could picture myself spending the rest of my life with him." That's a very scary and great feeling at the same time. And to have that end so badly, and that picture abruptly snap, it's very hard. I know I'm a good person, I've never purposely hurt anyone, and I definitely believe in Karma and that things will balance out in the universe. But the problem with all these logical thoughts...none of those thoughts end up with me getting him back.

[ploto]

...none of those thoughts end up with me getting him back.

Is that part of the issue- do you want him back- really? Or do you simply want back what you thought you had with him? If he ended things so ugly, you have to know that you are better off without him and better to have found out now than years later.

Take some time and get back to feeling like yourself. I have a notion that right now you do not really feel like you.

And no matter what- do not allow this one person to alter your view on the world.

[angel_luv]

I know I'm a good person, I've never purposely hurt anyone, and I definitely believe in Karma and that things will balance out in the universe. But the problem with all these logical thoughts...none of those thoughts end up with me getting him back.

You are a wonderful person who was hurt by a badly acting individual. I hope you can make that distinction and not in any way blame yourself. You were not at fault.

I can promise you from personal experience ( the one I shared with you earlier this week) that once you meet the trully right guy for you, you WILL NOT for a second want any of the old others back.

With my old guy ( and no it wasn't Rasho; it was real), I was all but unconsolable for a year and hurt regularly and severly over it for three additional years.

But the thing is, the whole time God had Bo out there for me, so, therefore, my great suffering over the loss of the other guy was unnecessary.
I.E. Yes, I had lost that guy forever ( and honestly, good riddance) but true love was still waiting for me.


You still have a bright future ahead of you- career, romance, everything you dream of.
And at the right time and place, and I pray soon, the right guy is going to add himself to the picture.

Cry as much as you need to- it really does help. But also make sure to keep hope alive.

[BacktoBasics]

Now that you've officially had your heartbroken this is where is all begins

[leemajors]

I also wouldn't assume you know what he's thinking or feeling. But it's hard to gauge this since it was an "external cir stance" beyond either of your control. If you don't really know him at all (and i know that was knee jerk), don't assume. Erm, basically, what he thinks and feels is his , and not yours to deal with.

[1Parker1]

Is that part of the issue- do you want him back- really? Or do you simply want back what you thought you had with him? If he ended things so ugly, you have to know that you are better off without him and better to have found out now than years later.

Take some time and get back to feeling like yourself. I have a notion that right now you do not really feel like you.

And no matter what- do not allow this one person to alter your view on the world.

I don't know. As stupid as it sounds, if he came crawling back to me, I'd probably consider it. The funny thing is, if this was my friend or someone else telling me this...I'd tell them they were nuts to take him back. You're right, I don't feel like myself right now, I feel like one of those whiny girls in a typical Hollywood chick flick who had her heart broken. I need to snap out of it..and everyone is right, maybe in time I will be back to my normal self. But right now, I just can't imagine.

Last night, my best friend suggested that we go to a bar and drink my sorrows away. Sounded like a great idea to me...except we get to the bar, and this guy comes up to me and starts talking to me and flirting, etc....and I almost burst into tears in front of this guy, because all I could think was, "This isn't him!" WTF...I wanted to slap myself even as I had that thought. My best friend said she's giving me a mourning period of 10 days that expires next Tuesday. After that, if she even hears me whine and and cry about this guy, she's not going to stand for it.

But anyways, thank you all for your kind advice...it's sort of comforting to know that almost everyone in this world has been through some version or other of heartbreak. It happens to the best of us, and I do know that time heals all wounds, and that if it's meant to be it's meant to be, etc. Cliches are there for a reason I guess. Still, at this juncture, they aren't much comfort.

[ATRAIN]

hey 1Parker1 hang in there and dont let it get you down. Also remember the advice you gave me . OH and ill go and kick his ass for you.

[mrsmaalox]

Aw sweetie I'm sorry you feel bad! But we've all been there and I promise, it does get better I think most people go thru it more than once (I know, it sucks!) but that's the risk we take living with an open heart. You can close up your heart, but then the right person may not find their way in. So for now keep yourself busy, make a concentrated effort to stay positive, resist the urge to wallow in sadness (i.e. heartbreak music, sappy movies, etc) and pamper yourself! Pamper, pamper,pamper....you are worth it!

[florige]

I don't know. As stupid as it sounds, if he came crawling back to me, I'd probably consider it. The funny thing is, if this was my friend or someone else telling me this...I'd tell them they were nuts to take him back. You're right, I don't feel like myself right now, I feel like one of those whiny girls in a typical Hollywood chick flick who had her heart broken. I need to snap out of it..and everyone is right, maybe in time I will be back to my normal self. But right now, I just can't imagine.

Last night, my best friend suggested that we go to a bar and drink my sorrows away. Sounded like a great idea to me...except we get to the bar, and this guy comes up to me and starts talking to me and flirting, etc....and I almost burst into tears in front of this guy, because all I could think was, "This isn't him!" WTF...I wanted to slap myself even as I had that thought. My best friend said she's giving me a mourning period of 10 days that expires next Tuesday. After that, if she even hears me whine and and cry about this guy, she's not going to stand for it.

But anyways, thank you all for your kind advice...it's sort of comforting to know that almost everyone in this world has been through some version or other of heartbreak. It happens to the best of us, and I do know that time heals all wounds, and that if it's meant to be it's meant to be, etc. Cliches are there for a reason I guess. Still, at this juncture, they aren't much comfort.

At least when women get their heart broken and go out the same night or whatever you all have guys still come up to you, that as least makes you feel like you are still pretty. When girls dump us (guys) we go out and nobody ends up coming up to us. We wind up sitting there looking like assholes for the night....

[TheProfessor]

Time heals most wounds but more importantly every relationship you have been in to this point manifest itself into that one special relationship in the end, so while you may be hurting now over your recent break-up, when you do find Mr. Right, this life lesson will remind you appreciate him and your relationship even more...

I think this is about right.

[angel_luv]

My best friend said she's giving me a mourning period of 10 days that expires next Tuesday. After that, if she even hears me whine and and cry about this guy, she's not going to stand for it

Sounds like your friend has read " He's just not that into you."

Starting back about three years ago, I made it a tradition that, so long as I was single, I would read " He's just not that into you" annually.
The book helped me a lot and I highly recommend it for you, once your ten day mourning period is over.

Also, Greg Behrendt's other book " It is called a break up because it's broken" was very enlightening to me as well.

[tlongII]

So was this dude married or something? He didn't want to leave his wife? That's IT, isn't it!

Oh, and I've NEVER met anybody that was 100% honest! I hate it when I hear people, especially women, say that. I don't even think it's possible.

[BacktoBasics]

So was this dude married or something? He didn't want to leave his wife? That's IT, isn't it!

Oh, and I've NEVER met anybody that was 100% honest! I hate it when I hear people, especially women, say that. I don't even think it's possible.

no doubt I'm a 100% honest about lying for a living.

[Solid D]

I'm sorry you had to go through the heart-break. There is someone out there that you can have a trusting and loving relationship with. There is a way to grieve in a healthy way and get through the rough moments. Ice cream is good..to a point...but then you can take positive steps to feel good about yourself. If you can start an interest in something that helps others, plus getting some exercise like riding a bike every day for a half hour or working out with a friend, that would be a great next step. Positive things to improve your own well-being. Even though helping others may not seem important for your pain, if you do some volunteer work through your church or even one of the Ike victim assistance activities, it will take away the focus on your pain and will transfer into something positive for other people. That will actually be a great medicine for the soul.

May God bless you in your next relationship...there will be one.

[Many PackYao]

At least when women get their heart broken and go out the same night or whatever you all have guys still come up to you, that as least makes you feel like you are still pretty. When girls dump us (guys) we go out and nobody ends up coming up to us. We wind up sitting there looking like assholes for the night....

You speak the truth!!

[1Parker1]

So was this dude married or something? He didn't want to leave his wife? That's IT, isn't it!

Oh, and I've NEVER met anybody that was 100% honest! I hate it when I hear people, especially women, say that. I don't even think it's possible.

Tlong, there's a very big difference between lying about who you are and lying about little stupid things like "Oh, I bought that bag for only $50...when really I bought it for $300"

What you see is what you get with me. That's all I meant. I'm always up front about who I am, what I want, what I expect, etc. That's what I meant about being honest.

[1Parker1]

I'm sorry you had to go through the heart-break. There is someone out there that you can have a trusting and loving relationship with. There is a way to grieve in a healthy way and get through the rough moments. Ice cream is good..to a point...but then you can take positive steps to feel good about yourself. If you can start an interest in something that helps others, plus getting some exercise like riding a bike every day for a half hour or working out with a friend, that would be a great next step. Positive things to improve your own well-being. Even though helping others may not seem important for your pain, if you do some volunteer work through your church or even one of the Ike victim assistance activities, it will take away the focus on your pain and will transfer into something positive for other people. That will actually be a great medicine for the soul.

May God bless you in your next relationship...there will be one.

You're right in that. There was a clothing drive at work the other day for Hurricane Ike victims. I am planning on going into super cleaning mode and giving away all my old clothes and jackets that I no longer need...I'm also thinking about seriously giving away the outfit I wore with said Heartbreaker on our first date.

And the threadmill has been a comforting friend to me. Honestly, I'm just trying to keep busy as much as possible, but it's hard, because something will happen and I'll immediately think of him or something we talked about or did and it all comes rushing back.

UGH...I just read over that last paragraph, and I apologize for sounding like such a drama queen. I know there are a lot more worse things going on in this world right as we speak, and I know my life can be a lot worse than just some guy breaking my heart...I guess it's all about perspective.

[angel_luv]

I think you need to get away, Parks.

Time to make plans for a pligrimage to San Antonio.

[tlongII]

Tlong, there's a very big difference between lying about who you are and lying about little stupid things like "Oh, I bought that bag for only $50...when really I bought it for $300"

What you see is what you get with me. That's all I meant. I'm always up front about who I am, what I want, what I expect, etc. That's what I meant about being honest.

I know 1P1. You seem pretty upfront on the internets anyway. I was just being an ass.

[tlongII]

Sounds like he's married...

[SequSpur]

Were you following the 3 things a guy wants rule? If not, that is probably why you're having this issue.

[1Parker1]

Sounds like he's married...

Nah that's definitely not the case.