Step-parents/Parents

[I. Hustle]

Ok I need advice. This is mostly for step parents but regular parents can pitch in especially if you are re-married and your kids aren’t their kids.
Ok so I have a 4 year old step son. For the most part the kid is a good kid no real problems. The thing is my mother in law. I love this lady to death and in comparison to my first m-i-l she is an angel. The thing is though she spoils the out of my step son. I know that is what grandparents do but this kid gets away with murder with her and after returning from his time with her it takes a while to get him to break out of that at ude at home.
She decided to take 2 weeks off work after my wife had the baby to help out. Which is awesome because I love her cooking. Well while my wife is with the baby feeding or doing whatever grandma keeps the 4 year old entertained. Well one example of the problem is the other day he wanted to play with his trains then when the 4 yr old add kicked in he decided that it would be more fun to play on his horse swing. All that is fine but my wife asked him to clean up his toys before they went outside. The kid pitched a fit and the g-ma said well ok we can pick them up later. If this was an isolated incident then that would be tolerable. The thing is I know she was the one who ended up cleaning up after him and he pulls that stuff all the time. With her he will hold out his empty cup or whatever trash he has and say “I’m done. Here.” And she will jump up to take care of it. With me I tell him ok then go throw it away.
I am not really sure how to deal with it since my wife and I haven’t been married that long and I am still getting a feel for the whole step parent bit. The kid is really smart but I feel like when they do everything for him it is really holding back his development since he isn’t learning how to do stuff on his own.

[mrsmaalox]

Ok I need advice. This is mostly for step parents but regular parents can pitch in especially if you are re-married and your kids aren’t their kids.
Ok so I have a 4 year old step son. For the most part the kid is a good kid no real problems. The thing is my mother in law. I love this lady to death and in comparison to my first m-i-l she is an angel. The thing is though she spoils the out of my step son. I know that is what grandparents do but this kid gets away with murder with her and after returning from his time with her it takes a while to get him to break out of that at ude at home.
She decided to take 2 weeks off work after my wife had the baby to help out. Which is awesome because I love her cooking. Well while my wife is with the baby feeding or doing whatever grandma keeps the 4 year old entertained. Well one example of the problem is the other day he wanted to play with his trains then when the 4 yr old add kicked in he decided that it would be more fun to play on his horse swing. All that is fine but my wife asked him to clean up his toys before they went outside. The kid pitched a fit and the g-ma said well ok we can pick them up later. If this was an isolated incident then that would be tolerable. The thing is I know she was the one who ended up cleaning up after him and he pulls that stuff all the time. With her he will hold out his empty cup or whatever trash he has and say “I’m done. Here.” And she will jump up to take care of it. With me I tell him ok then go throw it away.
I am not really sure how to deal with it since my wife and I haven’t been married that long and I am still getting a feel for the whole step parent bit. The kid is really smart but I feel like when they do everything for him it is really holding back his development since he isn’t learning how to do stuff on his own.

Your wife needs to address it with her mom.

[Shelly]

I'm not a step parent, but I think your wife needs to have a talk with her mom and tell her that while she appreciates all that's she done for y'all, she needs to stop coddling him and make him pick up after himself, etc.

If you don't nip this in the bud now, it's only gong to get worse.

[BacktoBasics]

First off you need to figure out if your wife feels the same way you do.

If she does then yeah she'll have to lay out some ground rules. However they should be relaxed. Part of loving the out of your grandparents is the fact that its a more relaxed safe haven from the rigors of being responsible around your parents. It just can't go too far and since he's young its too early for him to see that there is a difference between Grandmas place and home so he see's that he can act up and then thinks its ok to act that way. She'll have to explain that to grandma. Once he gets older he'll see the difference and then Grandma can let up a bit. Letting loose at the grandparents house is some of the best this world has to offer. They just need to hold off a bit until he comprehends better as he gets older.

If your wife doesn't share your views your kinda ed. However if it was me and the wife wasn't seeing this the way I see it I would quietly talk to the child at a later time. I wouldn't scold him because that might create an issue but I'd surely bring it up....passively and when no one else is around. This way the kid knows that someone is watching. Most wouldn't see it my way on this.

[I. Hustle]

I’ve talked to the wife about it but she is afraid to talk to her because her mom gets all emotional. The thing is I don’t want to be the bad guy but it is getting to the point where I will have to be. He will tell his g-ma stuff like “get me this” or “I want that” and when I am there in front of her I will tell him stuff like she is not your slave you can get up and go get it or that is not the way you ask for things. When I am there and she tries to pull that stuff I don’t tell her anything but in front of her I will stop him and make him do whatever he is asked to do.
The kid will throw a little fit with me and when he tells them no or gives them at ude he always looks at me right after and it makes me look like a bad guy. He does it though because he knows I will correct him but we’ve already had a “discussion” where I was told that it seems like he is afraid of me. Well I am the only one that will discipline him. Even when he is at his dads he sleeps when he wants to and will have cookies for dinner and when he gets back who has to deal with the I want to do what I want to do at ude? Us.

[BacktoBasics]

I’ve talked to the wife about it but she is afraid to talk to her because her mom gets all emotional. The thing is I don’t want to be the bad guy but it is getting to the point where I will have to be. He will tell his g-ma stuff like “get me this” or “I want that” and when I am there in front of her I will tell him stuff like she is not your slave you can get up and go get it or that is not the way you ask for things. When I am there and she tries to pull that stuff I don’t tell her anything but in front of her I will stop him and make him do whatever he is asked to do.
The kid will throw a little fit with me and when he tells them no or gives them at ude he always looks at me right after and it makes me look like a bad guy. He does it though because he knows I will correct him but we’ve already had a “discussion” where I was told that it seems like he is afraid of me. Well I am the only one that will discipline him. Even when he is at his dads he sleeps when he wants to and will have cookies for dinner and when he gets back who has to deal with the I want to do what I want to do at ude? Us.

You and I should start a ing club because I go through a lot of the same . Everytime my step daughters go with their dad all he does is shove fast food down their throats for 3 or 4 meals a day.

You guys are going to have to find a way to have a friendly united front on this. Mom will have to step up and learn the art of passive suggestion. Surely there's a way she can talk to her mom without coming off unappreciative. The best way is for her to be as supportive of you in this as possible that way the in laws see you as a compliment to their daughter rather than the bad guy. Mom will have to echo everything you say and make you out to be the good guy. Its a of a task but it can be done. The perception needs to change and it'll have to start with your wife.

[I. Hustle]

If your wife doesn't share your views your kinda ed. However if it was me and the wife wasn't seeing the way I see it. I would quietly talk to the child at a later time. I wouldn't scold him because that might create an issue but I'd surely bring it up....passively and when no one else is around. This way the kid knows that someone is watching. Most wouldn't see it my way on this.

I do talk to him and like I said the kid will turn and look at me whenever he acts up. The thing is I always get those what did you do to make him do that looks. The funny thing is that they don't see that I am the only one he will listen to without all the fit throwing. Yeah he won't like it and will cross his arms and make his faces but he will do it.

My wife grew up with parents that let them get away with whatever and grandparents that spoiled the out of them. I grew up in a house where my brother and I were well disciplined and were taught to be able to take care of ourselves. Even though I don’t want to raise the kids as strict as I had it I don’t want to have no rules either.
My wife turned out ok and even though I like her brothers a lot they are still like kids and I believe it was the result of their parents and grandparents.

[Shelly]

It's going to be tough if none of you are on the same page.

Trust me, he knows EXACTLY what he's doing and knows he can get away with it. I repeat, you better nip this quickly or you're gonna have one major spoiled brat on your hands.

Good luck!

[BacktoBasics]

I do talk to him and like I said the kid will turn and look at me whenever he acts up. The thing is I always get those what did you do to make him do that looks. The funny thing is that they don't see that I am the only one he will listen to without all the fit throwing. Yeah he won't like it and will cross his arms and make his faces but he will do it.

My wife grew up with parents that let them get away with whatever and grandparents that spoiled the out of them. I grew up in a house where my brother and I were well disciplined and were taught to be able to take care of ourselves. Even though I don’t want to raise the kids as strict as I had it I don’t want to have no rules either.

My wife turned out ok and even though I like her brothers a lot they are still like kids and I believe it was the result of their parents and grandparents.

I have the same kind of brother in laws. Hugely irresponsible and no regard for accomplishing anything. You got a tough road maybe even impossible but at the very least if you aren't able to make a sizable change in the way these situations are handled you can still be the voice of reason.

If you maintain a solid relationship with the boy he will hopefully appreciate your voice of reason and it'll keep him grounded as he gets older. It may be too tough to accomplish this now. I still can't break habits with my girls. Its hard to not be frustrated by it either.

[BacktoBasics]

It's going to be tough if none of you are on the same page.

Trust me, he knows EXACTLY what he's doing and knows he can get away with it. I repeat, you better nip this quickly or you're gonna have one major spoiled brat on your hands.

Good luck!

I do think this is good advice but nipping it in the bud may create a ripple with the inlaws and thats not going to be a good thing. Nothing worse than inlaws resenting you. This situation is going to take massive massaging. If the wife won't unite a solid front with him he's ed no matter what he does.

[Shelly]

I do think this is good advice but nipping it in the bud may create a ripple with the inlaws and thats not going to be a good thing. Nothing worse than inlaws resenting you. This situation is going to take massive massaging. If the wife won't unite a solid front with him he's ed no matter what he does.

Oh, I agree that it has to come from his wife. But now they also have a child together, so something has to be done.

I. Hustle, has she always been this way with your step-son, or did it start when the new baby came along? Could she be trying to make him feel less left out or whatever as the baby may be getting more attention right now?

[I. Hustle]

I do think this is good advice but nipping it in the bud may create a ripple with the inlaws and thats not going to be a good thing. Nothing worse than inlaws resenting you. This situation is going to take massive massaging. If the wife won't unite a solid front with him he's ed no matter what he does.

Exactly! I would love to just “nip it in the bud” but you have to understand that I am the step-dad. He is not really my son and it is tougher situation because of that. Now with my daughter I can show them that I will act the same with her as I do with him but only time will let them see that. My wife thinks I am hard on him because he isn’t my kid but she doesn’t understand that I want what’s best for him and when he starts school he won’t be able to pull all that .
The kid isn’t completely bratty. He helps with his new sister and is polite to people he is introduced to but when he has his moments he has his moments.

[mrsmaalox]

You know, 4 years is not a long time period in which to be born, have a family, go thru your parent's divorce and all the crap that entails, then your mom's re-marriage, and have a new family. It's very possible that the grandparent has been the only consistently stable force in the kids life up until now. I'm sure the grandparent sees it that way. You and your wife have to present a united front to the child first, so he can sense some stability. At the same time you'll be reassuring the grandparent. Then your wife needs to be a grown up and reassure her mom that you guys are in control of the situation, but always want her to be there for the child. But in your all's house, it's your rules. But I'm not sure that right now is the exact time to fix this. A big adjustment is happening, there's a new baby and grandma's just there temporarily right? Let things normalize a little i.e. grandma leaves and then get to work on it. The kid is only 4, no damage has been done that can't be reversed. When grandma sees that you all are establishing a stable environment she'll be relieved and more willing to cooperate. Then you just have to accept that when they go to grandma's it all flies out the window. But with consistency at home, things get back to normal real fast!

[I. Hustle]

Oh, I agree that it has to come from his wife. But now they also have a child together, so something has to be done.

I. Hustle, has she always been this way with your step-son, or did it start when the new baby came along? Could she be trying to make him feel less left out or whatever as the baby may be getting more attention right now?

No it has pretty much always been like this. While my m-i-l is bad she isn’t as bad as my wife’s grandparents. They used to take care of him during the day and they wouldn’t even make him eat by himself. They would cut up his food and feed it to him like a baby. She at least makes him do stuff like that.
When he gets out of the bath I let him know where his clothes are and he will dry himself off and put on his clothes by himself but mom and grandma will do all of that for him. I know he is only 4 but I think he needs to start doing all that now. I even let him pick out his own clothes as long as they aren’t too off the wall.

[mrsmaalox]

Exactly! I would love to just “nip it in the bud” but you have to understand that I am the step-dad. He is not really my son and it is tougher situation because of that. Now with my daughter I can show them that I will act the same with her as I do with him but only time will let them see that. My wife thinks I am hard on him because he isn’t my kid but she doesn’t understand that I want what’s best for him and when he starts school he won’t be able to pull all that .
The kid isn’t completely bratty. He helps with his new sister and is polite to people he is introduced to but when he has his moments he has his moments.

Perfectly normal 4 year old I'm afraid !

[Bigzax]

that kid is your son now.

love the out of him and yeah, you discipline his little ass when he needs it the way you feel is best.

you cannot control what happens in other peoples house's but you sure as have the say was to what goes on in yours.

bottom line, as long as you love that kid and are not abusive, everything should be fine...


nothing wrong with spanking his ass when he acts up, but you gotta give hugs too, and from what you've written, you're talking to him and explaining things, which is the most important part...

[Shelly]

No it has pretty much always been like this. While my m-i-l is bad she isn’t as bad as my wife’s grandparents. They used to take care of him during the day and they wouldn’t even make him eat by himself. They would cut up his food and feed it to him like a baby. She at least makes him do stuff like that.
When he gets out of the bath I let him know where his clothes are and he will dry himself off and put on his clothes by himself but mom and grandma will do all of that for him. I know he is only 4 but I think he needs to start doing all that now. I even let him pick out his own clothes as long as they aren’t too off the wall.

.
My friend, you've got yourself an uphill battle.

Maybe you could start a job chart. Like if he picks up after himself, he gets a gold star on the chart. If he gets a star all week, he gets to go for ice cream or whatever. This way he feels like he's accomplishing something and your wife doesn't feel like you're ragging on him all the time.

[I. Hustle]

You know, 4 years is not a long time period in which to be born, have a family, go thru your parent's divorce and all the crap that entails, then your mom's re-marriage, and have a new family. It's very possible that the grandparent has been the only consistently stable force in the kids life up until now. I'm sure the grandparent sees it that way. You and your wife have to present a united front to the child first, so he can sense some stability. At the same time you'll be reassuring the grandparent. Then your wife needs to be a grown up and reassure her mom that you guys are in control of the situation, but always want her to be there for the child. But in your all's house, it's your rules. But I'm not sure that right now is the exact time to fix this. A big adjustment is happening, there's a new baby and grandma's just there temporarily right? Let things normalize a little i.e. grandma leaves and then get to work on it. The kid is only 4, no damage has been done that can't be reversed. When grandma sees that you all are establishing a stable environment she'll be relieved and more willing to cooperate. Then you just have to accept that when they go to grandma's it all flies out the window. But with consistency at home, things get back to normal real fast!

That's the part I am struggling with. The realization that 1 he is 4 years old and B he has already been through a lot.
at you being the first to look at things from his perspective.

[angel_luv]

I think it is great how both I Hustle and Back to Basics care so much about their step children's well being. It is very refreshing.

[angel_luv]

.
My friend, you've got yourself an uphill battle.

Maybe you could start a job chart. Like if he picks up after himself, he gets a gold star on the chart. If he gets a star all week, he gets to go for ice cream or whatever. This way he feels like he's accomplishing something and your wife doesn't feel like you're ragging on him all the time.

That is a good idea.

[Shelly]

That's the part I am struggling with. The realization that 1 he is 4 years old and B he has already been through a lot.
at you being the first to look at things from his perspective.

Yeah, he's 4, but a lot of behavior is learned. He's old enough to know what he can get away with. When he's with the in-laws and maybe sometimes with your wife, he's in control.

And then we wonder why we ever became parents!

[Shelly]

That is a good idea.

Think it would work with my oldest? He's almost 16!

[angel_luv]

Yeah, he's 4, but a lot of behavior is learned. He's old enough to know what he can get away with. When he's with the in-laws and maybe sometimes with your wife, he's in control.

And then we wonder why we ever became parents!

Because we are all so certain we are going to do better at it than our parents?

[angel_luv]

Think it would work with my oldest? He's almost 16!

Maybe if the eventual award is a car...

[Shelly]

Because we are all so certain we are going to do better at it than our parents?

My parents were and still are awesome!