The first thing you gotta do is stop listening to these idiots with their shoo spray, cayenne pepper, Maalox’s open legs theories.
If you really want to take care of this feline situation listen to me.
Step 1: If your wife/gf is hot then start by getting her to walk around the house nude with the windows open. If you don’t have a hot SO then purchase one at your local hookery. Do this every evening after 6 o’clock as this is when the cats will be most active. If possible get more than one attractive female to do this simultaneously. It is a well known fact that beautiful women are a natural cat repellant. (Don’t believe me? Look at the women that have cats)
Step 2: Stop by your local liquor store and purchase several bottles of Crown and some cases of Dos XX. Do not open these though because it’s not so much the odor as it is the specific color that you are looking for. Make sure to keep them cold as well as this will enhance the colors in the bottles.
Step 3: Order pizza. That’s right something so simple as ordering pizza works. It is the mixture of cheap vehicles and zit covered teenager that repels cats.
Step 4: This is the last and most important step so please follow carefully. PM me your address.
Repeat these steps every Friday around 6:30 and 6:45 and stay away from your house if you want them to be truly effective. If a Spurs game is on then simply push your television until it is visible from the front yard.
If you ever have any other questions about anything else just let me know. Don’t be surprised if the answers look the same as this is a cure all remedy.