I've been married for just a hair over two years. It's been good (not great), but lately all I can think about is "man I could have fun if I was single", and this thought process has probably led to many arguments and frankly, has invaded my mind of late.
i love my wife very much, but I loved goofing off and being single almost as much (ok, just as much).
So my question is this, does everyone go through this? Am I normal in regards to marriage and just be patient or should I nip this in the bud?
I know this sounds sort of ed up, but I need some advice. If anyone is good at this , please respond or PM me.
Good day to you all,
JohnSmith
If you have more thoughts of being single than trying to stay married then why waste her time and yours, when you both can move on. Not saying it will be easy but do it sooner rather than later.
Not great advice, but I believe if you are not 100% into the relationship and don't see yourself getting old with this person then why waste each other's time. Be straight with them and don't lead them on.
Generally, I would agree with this. But married folk often tell me to be prepared for like this and that they've been through phases like this, so I don't want to jump the gun on this and regret it later.
I did a edit and added a bit more.
How odd you posted this then a few minutes later Angel_luv posted a thread about her getting proposed to.
Marriages come and marriages go.
Ok, but I'm ing married, this isn't dating . There was a time when we were dating, just got engaged, etc, where I saw nothing other then getting old with her. I still see myself getting old with her, becoming delusional with her, etc. My confusion stems from the fact that I'm 2 years deep into my first (and hopefully only) marriage, and suddenly I'm having doubts. It seems ed up.
I need some advice from "married forever" people, and "divorced and marriage" people.
Worst part about all of this is that lately I keep running mythological "divorced" financial budgets and have come to the conclusion that I could go on some kick ass vacations if we did split up.
JS, this is normal. Don't take the p*ssy way out and give up so easily. Marriage is actually a lot better than being single so long as you're willing to put a little bit of effort into it.
Don't ever assume that you get out of the marriage with one red cent if you're the guy. Start running those vacation projections with zero dollars in the bank and an alimony payment subtracted from your income.
" hath no fury like a woman scorned."
once again a classic example of you can make a ho a house wife....but this time its the dude!!!
stop being selfish be goofy with you wife and if thats not fun then its time to bring out the axe murderer.
grow up man, you aint ready do her a favor and break up with her....please before you do something stupid like get her pregnant cause you aint ready dude...you aint strong enough yet b
We all have urges and thoughts but its up to you to have some restraint and remember what you signed up for. I've never been married, but I think that sounds pretty normal for certain people. I'm sure some people are happy all the time when they're married, but I'm sure others always want what they can't have.
You say you love your wife so I think you just have to man up and deal with it. I'm assuming there are not things in your marriage that drive you bat crazy and that you actually do still love your wife.
An english professor who had been married for 20 years offered this advice a few weeks before my wedding: "If you ever feel like quitting on your relationship just remember that most second marriages fail."
You refer to the time frame for these feelings as "lately" a few times. How long are we talking about? Obviously there's no hard and fast deadline saying that if you have two weeks of doubt you need to divorce her. I'm just curious.
I've been married for a little over three years, been with her for nearly seven years total. I've never had doubts so bad that I ever really considered divorce, though there were some rough times in our engagement where I had to step back and really considered if this is what I wanted.
I felt a lot like you did, kinda trapped and thinking about what life was like before my wife was in the picture. For me it wasn't any real desire for the "good old days" as much as a fear that I was losing a part of me in the process of the relationship. That's a realization that can sneak up on you out of nowhere: you can no longer simply be John. You are forever John&Jane. That's a scary ass moment to have and it's only natural to see that change and instinctively try to fight it in some way. That may not be the case for you, but it's something to think about.
In terms of any real advice I guess I'd have to say the number one thing you should do is talk to your wife about this openly and honestly. If your marriage can't handle you two being totally honest then that's a pretty clear clue about what you should do. Obviously it's a very touchy subject, so it might be worth laying some ground rules before you begin, or even seeing a marriage counselor if that's an option. From what it sounds like you could probably benefit from a pact that I know a lot of couples have: have some time set aside during every week that is yours and yours alone where you can go and do whatever you want to, while setting aside an equal block of time each week entirely devoted to each other.
If you really love her (and it sounds like you do) this could very easily just be a very simple case of familiarity breeding a little contempt. In such a situation it's amazing how a few small tweaks can make a relationship feel brand new.
Some couples get comfortable with each other and start lose appreciation of how much their partner means to them. This may sound dumb, but you have to concentrate on the reasons why you married her. Do some exercises in that - right down a list of why you love her/fell in love with her, figure out if there's anything that you are missing now from the "honeymoon stage" of marriage - are you spending less time together, less sex, more stress, etc? And then try to work on infusing those positive things back into your relationship.
I'm sure the grass might seem greener, but maybe once you start concentrating on all the reasons you love her and start working on getting some of that love/passion back into your current relationship, you'll realize that being single isn't really what you want.
Anyway, I'm pretty much talking out of my ass, because I never have had these feelings that you are having personally. But I think that if you just time to reflect and appreciate (which I do every day) then you will stay excited about being married.
Oh and bang her a lot.
nice save
You're being dishonest by indulging your single "fantasies." Thurn your attention elsewhere. You can control that.
At some point you decided to do this forever ........ right? (i hope so anyway.) Being married doesn't change the ups and downs -- it just means that you have the choice to put up your defenses about or open up and become available and vulnerable in ways you never even imagined. It's a HARD HARD thing to do but it is worth the world 10 times over. It all comes down to 2 things: #1 -- Commitment (as in -- no matter what) and #2 -- Honesty -- hard truth with yourself and with your wife. Those two things get you through the doubts and lows. -- my parents told me "there's times when you wish the other person was dead." Still married 40 yrs and happier together than ever.
Dude -- I've told my wife that I missed out on a ton of -- most of my young adulthood -- because of marriage and kids and that I was resentful of her because of it. It's crazy but seemed rational at the time (maybe that's where you are now.) She's told me the same thing.
Discipline yourself to use the energy you spend worrying about these feelings on things that will build the marriage.
--you asked for it---- the advice, that is
, or get off the pot.
Last edited by marini martini; 12-06-2008 at 10:30 AM.
I go through those types of bouts once or twice a year. However, nobody knows me, loves me, or accepts me more than my wife. We built a family together and I love the role of Dad. Then top that off with I love her and care about he well-being and you got what I think/know is a life long marriage. We have been married for 11yrs and dating for 15 so far. It's worth it!
Advice, give up porn and jacking-off and focus on being relational with your wife. Doing that made my marriage so much better!
we need proof of this.....where is TIMVP?
and how many bangs you recommend?
I felt that way when my wife and I started dating. I wanted some space, and some time to have some fun, so we broke up for a while. Then she got a date, and I suddenly realized how unimportant that was to me when faced with the prospect of losing her. Maybe it's vain, and maybe that's a stupid reason, but it was enough for me, and I'm glad it wasn't too late. Fifteen years later, I'd rather be miserable with her than happy with any other woman. I can't speak for your situation, but most men that leave their wives for greener pastures realize what a mistake it was pretty quick.
And bang her a lot.
Didn't you make a commitment? Are commitments something that only last as long as its fun?
Don't talk to your wife about being being so shallow; you'll just piss her off. Your single fantasy world is perfect-reality would not be.
Plan a date with your wife, seduce her and give her a good banging. You will realize that married life is pretty good after all.
Oh !!!
I`ve got to talk to my girlfriend.
This is normal. I live it everyday. Its not immaturity or the fact that you're not ready for marriage. Just like any loss you feel the loss of your independence and a loss of sole control over who you are. Instead of living your life the way you want to live it you're living a shared life with all its ups and downs, sacrifices, leveraging and so forth....ups and downs you might not have to go through if you were single so its natural to feel a need for that control and independence again. You probably at times feel that you're living your life for someone else not yourself. The stems from abandoning your fun time for do nothing time or boring marriage time..saving for this and scarificing for that blah blah blah. It gets old quick. Life usually becomes so redundant that boredom sets in and you would kill to just pick up and go watch some ties shaking around while slamming beers with the boys.
Advice: If you love her stick it out. It does get better. You guys have got to start doing more things outside of the house. Get out more. Find that independence again by planning short trips or days out together where you guys can have some fun instead of just sitting around the house doing nothing and saving for your future.
Do not have kids. If you think you have no freedom now just wait and see how bad it gets.
If you don't love her then bail now and start having fun. PM me about it and I'll live vicariously through your freedom.
You did not specify what kind of "fun" you could be having if you were single. If you are talking about other women, then that is a bad sign. If you mean something else, they why not do those things? No one says that you have to do everything together just because you are married or that you can not have fun together. Did you have fun with her before you were married? Do you do those things anymore? Do you have any other worries or stresses that you are actually wanting to "escape" as opposd to it actually being her--like financial, job, ... Is she clingy or needy? There are a lot of dynamics in the relationship but if you bail at the first sign of anything tough, then you are too immature to be married.
go see a therapist. SFIE's post was excellent. if nothing else a therapist can just sit there and listen to you vent, and help you get your thoughts in order.
There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
