I work in downtown Dallas doing IT work. It's a very white collar corporate environment. We had a round of layoffs back in December due to the current financial crisis. We actually just picked up a new piece of business, and they've been throwing more and more on my plate. My bosses are generally pleased with the job I'm doing, so I have about as much job security as one could hope for in this current climate. At the same time, they've recently let one help desk and one networking guy loose because of poor performance and at ude problems. There's a definite awareness that if you up or create problems, there's a thick stack of resumes with which to find your replacement. I have this fear and I'm one of the model employees.
There's a very, very attractive lady, I will call her T, in accounting that is three years older than me (Her 34, me 31). She is a divorced single mother of an 8 year old son. In general I would find this woman to be a bit out of my league, and given that she's a coworker, I have never made the slightest approach or move whatsoever. We're in different depts and have had little to no professional interaction.
About a month ago, we had some executives in from NY, and were told to dress up. I wore a suit and tie, and she IM'd me on facebook to tell me I looked nice, and a bit of flirty banter ensued. A couple of weeks later, I did some software installs for all the accounting ladies, including her. One of her colleagues complained about the install, and this networking guy, W, went down there to fix it. He was following up with me, and to make the point that I followed the same procedures every time, I said "Well, I did T, and she's not complaining!" He happens to be very good friends with her, and he laughed bc of the way I phrased it, and said "I'm gonna go tell her you said that."
That night I happen to have facebook up, and she IM's me to say "I heard about no complaints! haha very funny." And then we end up chatting for like 2 hours, with some mild flirting going on. She then lets me know that she'll be out of the office for a few days and that she hopes that I miss her while she's gone. Then the last thing she writes to me is that she's trying to think of something PG to say but can't.
So about a week ago, she still hadn't returned to work from her vacation, and I'm at home. She im's me again and the first thing she says to me is "Miss me yet?" And then another hour of conversation and mild flirting goes on. I've seen her twice in the office since then, since I had some vacation hours I had to use or lose. The last time I talked to her, I was heading to the kitchenette break area, and I hear her call my name out. We made some chitchat and I walked back with her since her office is on the way. She ended up expressing interest in joining our bracket compe ion so I go back to the IT area to grab her a blank bracket. I'm back in her office when the networknig guy W comes in, one of her best work pals. He sees me, and he immediately gets this smirk on his face. I haven't been messaging this lady, it's been the other way around, and I haven't been expressing an interest in joining her bracket, it's been the other way around. For him to smirk like that makes me think they might have discussed me.
The bottom line is that from what I've gotten to know of her from chatting so far, she's a pretty cool lady, and she's HAWT to boot. If there was real interest there, I'd want to pursue it, and I think given that we work in different depts and have historically interacted very little in the office, we could keep it discreet and not be in each other's business all day at work. I don't want an opportunity with somebody like her to slip through my fingers. Women don't stay interested for long if you dither around. On the other hand, I think there's a chance I could be making entirely way too much out of this, and the last thing I want to do is risk my job by creating some awkward situation at work by approaching her. I know from experience that women will often let you pay attention to them if you are willing, even if they have no interest in you. But in general when we talk, she's not complaining about stuff, so I don't feel like that's what she's doing.
I've consulted some female friends, and the best two ideas I've come up with so far are these:
A) on a Thursday, ask her what her Friday happy hour plans are. That gives her plenty of time to find a sitter if she's interested, and by leaving it vague and low key, I can play it off as a misunderstanding and one coworker pal trying to hang out with another coworker pal in the unlikely event she throws the sexual harrassment card in my face.
B) get a group together for a happy hour thing. See to it that she gets an invitation and that she knows I among others will be going. I should not be the one to hand out the invite. If she shows up, don't sit next to her. If she gets up to come talk to me one on one and engages me in this setting, as the theory goes, then that's the confirmation I'll need that she's interested as opposed to just trying to find somebody to pay attention.
I don't know if either of these plans are good though. I know if I do make an approach, I have to be strong and confident, with kind of an indifferent air as to whether or not she's interested. So far I've played it cool and she's generally been the one initiating conversation.
why don't you just be a man and ask her on a date. No need to be passive aggressive and play games...right now you are playing games, If you think she is attractive and you want to date her then ask. She isn't chatting for 2 hours with the ugly guy in the office.
Knowing is half the battle
What are your office rules about dating?
[QUOTE].
The coworker angle is the only thing holding me back. I asked myself how would I feel about what she is doing if we weren't coworkers, and I would think that she was probably interested and ask her out. I have a paranoia about dating in the office. She'd be worth it, but I feel like I need to be very careful.
I know that they certainly don't encourage it, and I've been on the company website trying to find policies and procedures. And I wonder if it would arouse su ion if I walked over to HR and asked for a manual.
I also know that there is a couple of married couples at the agencies we support, and I would think there is no need to disclose to HR we met for drinks. If it doesn't go anywhere, there's no need to tell HR anything. I would think in a long down the road hypothetical future where we were seriously dating, we could probably declare it to HR since we would be in different depts and not creating drama in the office.
Well, you know your work "culture" better than anyone here, so I would say use your best judgment. Same goes with how you approach her. You should be able to use your instincts to tell you if she is interested. I know it kind of sucks, but you do have to use some level of reserve and discretion when approaching this in the face of the more "sensitive" work environment.
The easiest thing to do would probably be to feel it out a little while longer by keeping it casual. Who knows, she may even ask you out if you just keep the communication going. If after a week or two, you guys have maintained or increased the depth/frequency of your conversations, then it would not hurt to ask her out.
The group thing is a good idea, but if not, you can always suggest things during conversations by slightly leading the convo one way or another. Maybe, at work you if you end up talking to her, you can say something like "I am excited to get off of work, I have plans tonight for ..." She could always say that sounds fun... and you can reply "there is room for whom ever wants to join..."
Just use your best judgment.
Thanks. That's good advice.
I like option B. If you work in different depts it shouldn't be a problem.
I bet she's a laker fan
option B seems to be the best bet. However..if it ends badly... oh man..work dating and work breaking up is something you don't wanna do.
adds to stress you already have in the work place 10 fold.
Relax, talk with her a bit in person and give her your full attention. Be yourself and when you catch her in a genuine laugh, and its winding down.. look her in the eyes for as long as you can. If she makes you feel good, let that well up through your body and your eyes. Let it touch your face and smile.
If you feel yourself being drawn to her like a magnet and she leans forward.. and you feel like drowning in the depths of her vision, man.. just let yourself go. Don't turn away.
At that point do what's in your heart..
Why can't you talk be with girl like this, and why shouldn't she show interest in you? Women will only wait for so long..
You enter the thread
Wall of Text crits you for 900 damage
MiamiHeat has died
She's either interested or has -ish tendencies. Either way, sounds like you should be able to win
I'd advise the first plan. Plan B looks good on paper but there's too much that can go wrong. Chances are that something would go wrong and you'd be in the same boat you're in now but even more uncomfortable.
Plan A but make sure you have a few go-to topics to fall back on in case of emergency. Also have a response prepared if she scoffs at your request. And be sure to save any past convos you've had with her in case you need the evidence.
Good luck.
P.S.
All that being said, be sure that dating is allowed. She's obviously in a gossip circle that spans multiple depts so HR will catch wind of your pass within a matter of hours. If that puts your job in jeopardy, M.O.B.
What happened to the girl that was talking to you about giving dudes handjobs? She seemed like a nice girl to me.
Oh as for this one...
If they start saying like "did you miss me" when they barely know you, they pretty much want you to ask them out. I mean it's not that hard to figure out.
However...if they start saying like "did you miss me" when they barely know you, they pretty much will have high expectations and needs for attention when you do ask them out. It's probably not going to be some laid back deal.
Don't get involved with this one unless you are serious...and even if you are, the attention you are willing to provide may not be enough.
Reminds me of that movie Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead, where the guy keeps flirting with the girl and then he plays it off by saying he's just kidding, unless she's interested.
Tom Leykis frequently warns male callers to stay away from single mothers. I think marriage isn't only about the husband and the wife, it has a big connotation behind the two persons. to some degree marriage is just like a business IMHO.
According to what I have got from your post, you're in a better financial condition than the single mom. Your job is more consistent than hers and she has to take the burden of raising a boy who is at his naughty age, I mean she has to conpensate dollars to the neighbours after her boy breaks their windows with a baseball or basketball. If you insist to marry her, then I suggest you sign a deal with her that confirms your possessions and hers. I don't want to make a marriage look like a business and we all want to disguise the fact that a marriage is just a business, but it's the solid truth and the true sometimes hurts. I think she won't refuse this requestment if she really loves you, if she refuses it directly or indirectly, that means she loves your wealth more than yourself and it's better for you just to keep the "common friendship" with her. after all you don't have to get married to have a kid and it's even easier to make a home with her than to have a kid with her. So if you guys really loves each other, then you can live together without marriage, it's not very uncommon in CA and I think it isn't quite differet in TX which also used to be a spanish territory.
Besides, you also have to take into consideration the feelings of her 8-year-old boy. Can this boy accept you as his stepfather? Will he treat you as an uncle, a good friend or just a stranger? Falling in love with a woman is different from living with her, love is pure and innocent but the life is not. I know it's still too early to talk about that, I just want to give my suggestions in advance. The risk is not only missing your current job... I think it'll be helpful if you can have a talk with her ex-husband who is also the father of the 8-year-old kid. Of course you don't have to do anything if you just want to have a temporary relationship with her, but marriage is more serious and solemn than love and relationship. It's always meaningful to take serious a marriage, scrutiny is very necessary for a successful marriage. I hope you will finally find you love, God bless.
Last edited by Rogue; 03-24-2009 at 08:57 AM.
Why are people talking about "love" here all of the sudden?
Rogue is ing hilarious.
She ended up being a colossal waste of time.
I'm going to need some pictures before I give you my opinion
Can't do that. Picture a tall, leggy blonde.
the best way to access the proper protocol is to breakdown a picture
However, if it were me, I'd go for it. I have found that thinking with your head doesn't get you as far as thinking with your .I wouldn't bang her on the copier or anything, but I doubt you can get fired for laying it to one of your coworkers after office hours. She probably wants it because she is giving you signals.
Also, stop acting like she is out of your league. She has a kid, which makes her very much in your league. Once a kid is involved a woman drops. I don't say this to be sexist but it's true. There is a large population of men that would run for the hills once they found out there was an 8 year old that would be eating brekfast with you after you bang his mom.
Unless there is a direct-reporting relationship, companies can do NOTHING in their policies to prohibit interpersonal relationships. They may discourage it (as most do), but they cannot prohibit it.
That being said, they discourage it for a good reason. The fact that you've already exchanged flirtatious electronic communication with her is basis enough to create a "hostile work environment" (HR buzzword), even if nothing more ever materializes. Even worse, if something were to happen and end badly.
Tread lightly, my friend.
My suggestion, google "Naughty Office", download one you like, think of this girl, and fap away.
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