It's SPAM time!!!

[Ed Helicopter Jones]

SPAM --- It’s good to be back!

Greetings brothers and sisters of SPAMnation. It is I, Ed Helicopter Jones, the Chopper, the 400 pound SPAM loving bastion of all that is SpurstalkSPAMeriffic, here with my SPAM journey journal entry for 2009. So gather round ya’ll. Grab yourself a can of SPAM and the one you love, make a nice fire in the fireplace and let me share my adventures with you while you sit back, relax, and rub SPAM oil all over your loved one’s naked, writhing body, ummm, I mean enjoy a snack of delicious, healthy, low sodium SPAM.

My previous SPAMtopian journey, for 2008, the sixth of my annual travels, obviously ended sadly. George Gervin had told me wondrous things about the Spurs winning a 2008 championship. So I was drooling with SPAM-laden anticipation as I watched the playoffs within the comfy confines of my lovely blue tin abode out on the mesa here in New Mexico. But we all know what happened…the Spurs lost. They lost. THEY LOST SPAMDAMNIT!!!

I was devastated. How could the SPAM have failed me? Five times previously the SPAM had been correct. Never wrong. Never…ever…never. I mean, I did get some misinformation in 2004, but I was just a little overexcited from ’03 and kind of new to the trade. And then in ’06, well, that was the year of the expired SPAM can, remember? I can’t believe I actually listened to what an expired can of SPAM had to say. What am I, crazy? That still bugs. But in ’08 the SPAM was just wrong. Wrong. So sadly wrong.

So in June last year, I put away the SPAM, content upon forgetting about it forever. I begin exercising and eating things other than SPAM. I didn’t even realize there were things to eat other than SPAM until then. I decided to do what some of my wealthier friends do and sell real estate. Then in late July I took my family’s remaining life savings and bought as much Bank of America stock as I could get my hands on. Heck I was so proud of myself I even went out and entered the political arena and spent a little time campaigning for John McCain, (until I found out he was a Maverick of course....SPAMdamn you, Mark Cuban and your riverhating ass...SPAMdamn you).

At the advice of this stripper I knew, I even went and visited my daughter who I’d ignored for six years while SPAMming the globe. She and I went out and danced in an old abandoned building, because that’s the kind of stuff fathers and daughters do. I bought her a cool green jacket with an “S” on it for SPAM (I know, I couldn’t find a black one though), and I cried and told her how sad I was that I’d spent so many years living for SPAM and ignoring her. Our relationship seemed to be healing until I spaced out our dinner date because I’d overslept due to the previous peyote filled night of debauchery with a native american jewelry saleswoman who kept posters of SpongeBob on her wall. Now my daughter’s a bit put off by me. Oh well, I guess I can always have other kids.

It was funny though, in spite of my obvious keen eye for investment and job opportunities, my natural ability to get in with a political juggernaut, and my amazing fathering skills, there was something lacking all year. I was missing her…my true love...jumbled miscellaneous pork scrap heaven in a beautiful blue wrapper…the SPAM.

So a couple of weeks ago I decided to go back through last year’s encounter, step-by-step. Using this bad-ass liquid cooled custom painted computer I bought from two guys selling things out of the back of a van, I logged onto Spurstalk and read last year’s pilgrimage over and over. How could the SPAM have been wrong? How???!!! HOW?!!?!!!

As I read, I suddenly realized how wordy my sentences are. Then, I suddenly realized what had happened last year. The SPAM wasn’t wrong at all. In fact the SPAM never spoke at all. George had given me everything…the entire message…all of the facts…all of it! Eureka!!! This was terrific news!!! The SPAM never actually spoke in 2008!!! SPAMMEN!!! (But now I’ll have to find that George Gervin guy and give him a piece of my mind. I’ll remind myself to look for some pictures of him in front of his house, and I’ll pay attention to the way the sun is hitting, run some calculations, and use Google-Earth to find him and go say o. This is my little note to me, btw, so Chopper don’t forget to delete this off the internet copy.)

Elated and relieved at my discovery I rushed to the nearest grocery store, headed to the potted meat isle, piled up as many cans of SPAM as possible into the middle of the floor, ripped off my clothes (as per the custom) and lay face down before them. I began to chant, keeping my eyes tightly shut.

Suddenly the SPAM began to hum its magical hum. Then, after several agonizing minutes of me lying on the cold floor, the SPAM finally begins to speak.

An odd year has not been missed
Another trophy to be kissed
Others take time to pretend
Spurs know when it’s time to win
Tim’s fifth will be the best
He will have passed every test
You’ll see Spursball in the weeks ahead
Yes, Ricardo Montalban is dead
the Lakers

SPAMMEN!!! SPAMMEN!!!!!

As I get up to get dressed, a team of security guards and police surround me, start to pummel and tazer me, (as per the custom). Ahhh, that’s a feeling I’d missed a lot the last few months. It’s good to feel normal again. It’s good to be back with the SPAM!!

* Cue coffeehouse easy listening music. *

[DPG21920]

Ram, Ram, Ram!!!!!!!!!!!

[Last Comic Standing]

I remember my first red bull also.

[Taco]

[JudynTX]

I approve of this spam.

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

Spammen! I was beginning to think it would never come. It's just not spring until the SPAM thread.

[anonoftheinternets]

Ok great post, :p you better be right this time though ...

[smeagol]

[xtremesteven33]

Spam Nation

[vander]

to bad "peak" is a relative term

[smeagol]

Ok great post, :p you better be right this time though ...

It is not him who will be right . . . it's the SPAM!

[stéphane]

Church of SPAM

[Agloco]

[Transporter]

Rule #57 spam rhymes with....

[Slomo]

[Dex]

Now...it's on.

[Spursmania]

To Spam

[WildcardManu]

SPAM officially started the game Manu came back.

[Duncanoypi]

updating twitter with SPAM!

[anjlbitz]

(But now I’ll have to find that George Gervin guy and give him a piece of my mind. I’ll remind myself to look for some pictures of him in front of his house, and I’ll pay attention to the way the sun is hitting, run some calculations, and use Google-Earth to find him and go say o. This is my little note to me, btw, so Chopper don’t forget to delete this off the internet copy.)

[carina_gino20]

Best time of the year.

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

Rule #57 spam rhymes with....

This makes me wish that I had the photoshop skills to create a fake Spamwow(!) ad with Headset Vince. One of you people get to work on that!

[Laker Lanny]

Don't forget all that spam makes you thirsty.

[phyzik]

[tp2021]

SPAMTalk! Spammers, mount up!