Joke

[Yonivore]

Kid working in a grocery store. An old man walks up with a head of lettuce and says, “I want to buy half this head of lettuce.”

Kid says, “We don’t really sell half of a vegetable.”

Old man says, “Well, my wife and I have been customers here for years. But she’s gone now. I live alone and a whole head of lettuce would spoil before I eat it all.”

Kid says he’ll talk to the manager.

Finds his boss and says, “Some old goat out front wants to buy half a head of lettuce.”

Just then, the kid notices the old man has followed him and is standing right by his elbow.

Kid adds, “And this nice gentleman wants to buy the other half.”

Old man goes away happy with his half-head of lettuce.

Manager says, “That was very quick thinking, young man. I like people like that on my team. Where are you from?”

Kid says, “Canada.”

Manager says, “Canada? What’s a kid from Canada doing in an LA grocery store?”

Kid says, “’Cause there’s only hookers and hockey players up there.”

Manager says, “Really? Because my wife is from Canada.”

“Oh, yeh,” says the kid, “who’d she play for?

[AZLouis]

A sailor and a pirate were sitting at a bar.

The sailor noticed that the pirate had a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch.

But the sailor wasn't comfortable enough to ask what happened.

After a few beers and some stories about life at sea, the sailor finally worked up the courage to ask him how he got his peg leg.

The pirate said "I was blown off of the boat by a cannonball and when I landed in the water a shark bit off my leg".

After another round the sailor asked the pirate how he got his hook.

The pirate replied that the had lost his arm during a sword fight.

And finally the sailor asked him how he got his eye patch.

The pirate said, "well, I was admiring a beautiful sunrise and when I looked up a seagull crapped in my eye."

Perplexed the sailor asked him how a bird pooping in his eye would cause him to wear an eye patch.

The pirate said "it was the first day I got this hook".

[Andy Everett]

Wild Cobra is on his death bed the Doctor says "you have two choices, the Obama health care plan or death," Wild Cobra doesn't hesitate he says "give me death" So the doctors switch his health insurance to the Obama health care plan where died shortly after.

[Nbadan]

[Heath Ledger]

What do you get when you watch Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles play tennis?







Endless Love...

[Rodriguez]

What do you get when you watch Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles play tennis?







Endless Love...

The role of "Joker" earned you an Oscar Prize but your joke isn't as entertaining as expected, try making another one that can make us all laugh our butts off, bro.

[Wild Cobra]

Wild Cobra is on his death bed the Doctor says "you have two choices, the Obama health care plan or death," Wild Cobra doesn't hesitate he says "give me death" So the doctors switch his health insurance to the Obama health care plan where died shortly after.

No, that wouldn't happen. We already have assisted suicide here in Oregon.

wiki: Assisted Suicide:

United States
Main article: Assisted suicide in the United States

Assisted suicide is legal in the three American states of Oregon (via the Oregon Death with Dignity Act ), Washington (by Washington Initiative 1000), and Montana (through a trial court ruling). There are relatively substantial barriers to the use of some of these provisions.

For instance, Oregon requires a physician to prescribe medication but it must be self administered. The prognosis must be for a life span of 6 months or less. The person must be a 'resident' of Oregon. A written request for prescription and two oral requests from the patient is also needed to escape criminal liability, plus written confirmation by doctor that the act is voluntary and informed. This limited model has withstood Cons utional scrutiny: Gonzales v Oregon 368 F. 3d 1118 (2004), affirmed by 546 U.S. 243 (2006)

[Geezerballer]

The Aisle Seat

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it.. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.


As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

[angel_luv]

Kid working in a grocery store. An old man walks up with a head of lettuce and says, “I want to buy half this head of lettuce.”

Kid says, “We don’t really sell half of a vegetable.”

Old man says, “Well, my wife and I have been customers here for years. But she’s gone now. I live alone and a whole head of lettuce would spoil before I eat it all.”

Kid says he’ll talk to the manager.

Finds his boss and says, “Some old goat out front wants to buy half a head of lettuce.”

Just then, the kid notices the old man has followed him and is standing right by his elbow.

Kid adds, “And this nice gentleman wants to buy the other half.”

Old man goes away happy with his half-head of lettuce.

Manager says, “That was very quick thinking, young man. I like people like that on my team. Where are you from?”

Kid says, “Canada.”

Manager says, “Canada? What’s a kid from Canada doing in an LA grocery store?”

Kid says, “’Cause there’s only hookers and hockey players up there.”

Manager says, “Really? Because my wife is from Canada.”

“Oh, yeh,” says the kid, “who’d she play for?

A sailor and a pirate were sitting at a bar.

The sailor noticed that the pirate had a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch.

But the sailor wasn't comfortable enough to ask what happened.

After a few beers and some stories about life at sea, the sailor finally worked up the courage to ask him how he got his peg leg.

The pirate said "I was blown off of the boat by a cannonball and when I landed in the water a shark bit off my leg".

After another round the sailor asked the pirate how he got his hook.

The pirate replied that the had lost his arm during a sword fight.

And finally the sailor asked him how he got his eye patch.

The pirate said, "well, I was admiring a beautiful sunrise and when I looked up a seagull crapped in my eye."

Perplexed the sailor asked him how a bird pooping in his eye would cause him to wear an eye patch.

The pirate said "it was the first day I got this hook".

Nice work guys!

[SA210]

Wild Cobra is on his death bed the Doctor says "you have two choices, the Obama health care plan or death," Wild Cobra doesn't hesitate he says "give me death" So the doctors switch his health insurance to the Obama health care plan where died shortly after.

[NFGIII]

Cooter and Gomer


Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty bad.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two bestfriends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over. 'The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, that ain't Bubba.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the iden y of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up so roll him over.'The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but verybody used to say:'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'