Reply With Quote
Light to mildly entertaining.
So this website www.dontevenreply.com is a guy who replies to Craigslist ads and drives them crazy for our entertainment!
here's a sample :
Original ad:
I bought this GE refrigerator a few years ago, but just got a new one for my kitchen and no longer need it. It still works perfectly and is very large, perfect as your main fridge for a kitchen. I'm asking $300 for it. I am located in Brooklyn, but will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee.
From Mike Partlow to ************@**********.org
o,
I am very interested in your fridge. Is it still available? If so, how much would you charge to deliver it to my place in the city?
Mike
From marty ******* to Me
Yes mike it is still available. I will deliver it for an extra $50. where is your place located?
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
I want it delivered to my office on the 67th floor of the ********* Building on **rd st and **********. Now I am pretty sure that the fridge won't fit in the elevator, and if it does, it would exceed the weight capacity, so you will have to carry it up the stairs. I hope this won't be a problem.
When can you deliver it? I work Monday-Friday 9-5 and can be there any time. I do need it sooner rather than later, however.
Mike
From marty ******* to Me
that is absurd. Im not going to heave this very heavy fridge up 67 flights of stairs. Dosent your building have a cargo/utility elevator?
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
Marty, you don't have to lug it up 67 flights of stairs. There is a loading bay around back that starts on the 2nd floor, and I'm pretty sure this building does not count the 13th floor. So you are really only carrying it up 65 flights of stairs. There was a cargo elevator, but building management has told me that I am never allowed to use it again after I attempted to bring my motorcycle up to my office. They don't let just anyone use it anymore, so that isn't an option.
From marty ******* to Me
absolutely not. do you have any idea how heavy this thing is? why do you even need a full size fridge in your office? just buy one of those small mini fridges.
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
Marty,
You are obviously not a very good salesman if you are trying to suggest I buy something else instead of your product. How is that working out for you? Do you make a lot of money that way?
Not that it is any of your business, but I cannot afford rent in my apartment anymore and am slowly trying to move into my office so I can live out of there. I plan on disguising the fridge as a filing cabinet so my company will not get su ious. If anyone asks you what you are doing when you are moving it into my office, just tell them that you are delivering my new filing cabinet. Try to tuck the power cord under the fridge so they don't realize that it is actually a fridge.
How does next Tuesday work? I am free all day.
Mike
From marty ******* to Me
mike I don't think you understood me. I am NOT delivering the fridge to your office. it's way too big and heavy, and I doubt you will find anyone willing to carry it up to the 67th floor.
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
Marty,
I'm sorry, I must have misread your ad. I could have sworn it said "will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee." Am I crazy, or did your ad say that?
I don't recall it saying "will be willing to deliver it as long as your building isn't too big and scary for my weak little body to carry it."
From marty ******* to Me
Hey listen ***hole. You are a ****in idiot if you honestly think somebody will do this. It has nothing to do with strength it is just an insane request. the only way you will get a ****ing fridge up there is with an elevator. **** off.
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
Marty, I get what you are saying. It doesn't have anything to do with strength, because even my 120 lb ex-wife could carry this thing up. It is clearly a lack of motivation. You need to be in the right mindset to be able to do this.
Tell you what, I'll stand behind you as you carry it up, and shout encouraging motivational words at you to keep you going. I'll say things like "c'mon Marty, you can do it! You're almost there!" and "don't give up!" I'll even bring a few bottles of Gatorade in case you get thirsty. What flavor do you want? I have frost and orange, but I really don't recommend orange because it doesn't even taste like Gatorade.
So see you Tuesday?
Mike
From marty ******* to Me
shut the **** up.
Last edited by MiamiHeat; 02-15-2010 at 07:19 PM.
Light to mildly entertaining.
Camry Killer
Posted at: 2009-06-09 18:52:47
Original ad:
selling 1997 toyota camry. 146k miles. engine and transmission in good shape. was in minor fender bender, damage shown in pictures
From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org
o,
Let me just introduce myself. My name is Mike, and two weeks ago my dog was hit and killed by a car in Manayunk. The driver did not stop. He was hit by a white '97 Toyota Camry. With the side of the bumper bashed in like in your pictures. I thought I would never find the killer, but then I saw the murderers car for sale in Manayunk on **********! YOURS. What, are you trying to get rid of the evidence? You killed my dog of 8 years, and didn't even stop. I had to tell my kids that they would never see him again. Now they just look dead inside, like their soul was taken from them. I can't blame them.
We can't bring Skip back to life, but I want you to come here and apologize to my kids. And buy them a new dog. It is the least you could do.
E-mail me back and we'll set up a time.
- Mike
From derek ******* to Me
what? i didnt hit your ing dog. no way im buying you a new dog
From Mike Anderson to derek *******
There's no denying it. I've got you dead to rights. The car that hit my dog is unmistakably yours. I even remember seeing your Outer Banks bumper sticker as I watched the car drive away, leaving Skip in a mangled mess in the middle of the street.
Maybe you were drunk and didn't remember? That doesn't make you any less guilty.
From derek ******* to Me
are you ing serious i didnt hit your dog!!! i even called my girlfriend and she had no idea what i was talking about. you are mistaken
From Mike Anderson to derek *******
No I am not. Does your girlfriend have long hair? I didn't get a good look at the killer's face, but I saw long hair from behind as they sped away. I just assumed it was a man because of their huge shoulders.
From derek ******* to Me
yes she has long hair but she didnt hit your dog. where did this happen?
From Mike Anderson to derek *******
You know where it happened. Right here in Manayunk. I think your girlfriend is lying to you. I would like to meet both of you and have a good chat with you two so I can figure out which one of you is lying.
From derek ******* to Me
no this is ridiculous neither of us hit your dog. im sorry it happened but this is not my fault
From Mike Anderson to derek *******
Why would you be sorry if you didn't do it? Seems like you feel guilty about murdering my dog. Just own up to it. Do the right thing. For my kids.
people like this should not be encouraged but put down
Barter My Wife
Posted at: 2009-06-12 01:49:36
This one was a little tricky. If you didn't figure it out, I am both Mike Anderson and Kira Anderson.
Original ad:
i am looking to trade/barter my 1994 Jeep Wrangler. 140k miles, yellow, good condition. NO CASH. I will barter just about anything of equal value!
From Mike Anderson to **********@***********.org
CC: Kira Anderson
Hey,
I saw your ad for a '94 Wrangler for barter. I will trade you my of a wife for that car. She is a dirty little that s just about anything that moves. She doesn't really have much to offer, so I figure she is worth about the price of a used 1994 wrangler. I understand if you think she isn't worth it, so I am willing to throw in $200 cash on top of that. If you are looking for a loose that will give it up easily, my wife will be well worth the trade. Let me know if you are interested. Does the Wrangler come with a le?
From Jim ***** to Me
Ha ha! Very funny. I am married and don't think I would be interested in your wife. Thanks for the offer though!
From Kira Anderson to Me, Jim *****
OH YOU MIKE!! DROP ING DEAD!!! YOU ARE SUCH A S BAG PIECE OF I ING HATE YOU!!!
From Mike Anderson to Kira Anderson, Jim *****
YOU, you stupid ! What are you doing on the computer? I figured you were ing Steve again. Or how about our neighbor? I'm sure he's looking to stick his in some rotten pussy. You ing .
From Kira Anderson to Me, Jim *****
MIKE YOU ING ASSHOLE THIS IS IT. DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING HOME TODAY BECAUSE ILL BE WAITING WITH A IN KNIFE
From Mike Anderson to Kira Anderson, Jim *****
Ooh I'm real ing scared. It might be kind of hard to stab me with 10 inches of black in your mouth you ing
From Jim ***** to Me, Kira Anderson
Hey you two sound like a great couple and all, but could you stop including me in these e-mails? I really don't think this concerns me.
From Kira Anderson to Mike Anderson, Jim *****
TELL YOU WHAT JIM ILL BUY YOUR ING WRANGLER SO I CAN RUN OVER MY PIECE OF HUSBAND WITH IT
From Mike Anderson to Jim *****, Kira Anderson
Jim don't sell it to her. She'll probably pick up a random dude and crash the jeep while she's sucking his .
From Kira Anderson to Mike Anderson, Jim *****
YOU
From Jim ***** to Me, Kira Anderson
Will both of you shut the up and stop e-mailing me? Jesus ing christ man c'mon!
Vegan Housemate
Posted at: 2009-12-16 13:51:38
Original ad:
Hey there! My roommate and I are looking for another housemate. We live in a large apartment in Upper Darby. There are two bedrooms and a spacious living area. The rent is $250 a month, which includes cable, internet, electric, and water.
My roommate and I are both vegans and will only live with another vegan. IF YOU AREN'T A VEGAN, YOU NEED NOT APPLY. We are looking for someone who will help with the cooking, in addition to the rent.
If you are a vegan and want to live with two vegans who respect your personal space, please e-mail us. Include some information about yourself, including your source of income.
From Me to ***********@***********.org:
Hey,
I saw your ad, and I can't tell you how happy I was to see that there are fellow vegans looking for a roommate. It is so hard to find someone to live with who respects my way of life. Are you guys still looking for someone to live with?
Mike
From Joanna ******** to Me:
Yes, we still are seeking a third housemate. Can you tell us about yourself?
From Me to Joanna ********:
Well, I am a 24 year old male, and I am currently make a living by being employed. It pays well. Now, as I said earlier, I am a hardcore vegan. I totally respect your lifestyle, but I will occasionally eat a veal burger, maybe two or three times a week. I hope that isn't a big deal. If it is, I can eat it outside, but I will still need to cook it in the kitchen. But besides that, I am easy to get along with. I love watching TV. I hope you guys like CSPAN and late night HBO as much as I do. I also love music, and think I will be a great addition to your apartment.
Mike
From Joanna ******** to Me:
You're not a vegan if you eat veal. Seriously, veal? That is perhaps the single worst thing a vegan can eat. Calves that are raised to become veal are ripped from their mothers at birth so they get anemia. Then they are starved of milk, food, and exercise. They often are put in crates so they cannot move at all; they just stand and suffer until their ultimate death. Veal goes against everything veganism stands for. How you even consider calling yourself a vegan astounds me.
From Me to Joanna ********:
Well thanks for the veal history lesson. My ex used to to me about veal all the time, so I know all about it. Frankly, I think that is why I enjoy veal. Knowing that the calf suffered so much to make himself that much more tender and delicious for me makes it worth every bite. If I didn't eat veal, it would probably expire and be thrown away. Then, the calf would have died in vein. You wouldn't want that, would you. Seriously, veal isn't that bad. They give the calf a nice safe home to live in. Would you rather they just let the calf just be let loose out in the wild? Then, it would probably be killed by a lion or something. By supporting veal, you are supporting the safe life of cows everywhere.
Seeing as how you got all uppity about the veal, I guess I should tell you that I own two shotguns and an assault rifle for hunting and will need to store them in the apartment. I didn't think it would be a big deal, but I may as well tell you everything. Don't worry though, both the shotguns are registered and the assault rifle has the serial numbers filed off of it so it doesn't have to be registered.
From Joanna ******** to Me:
Don't worry, you don't need to tell me anything else because you aren't going to live with us. I highly doubt there is anything about your life that even makes you close to being a vegan. You're argument sounds like something a twelve-year-old would say. You're clearly just claiming to be vegan to live in a cheap apartment. If you really think you are vegan, think again. Vegans don't hunt, idiot.
From Me to Joanna ********:
C'mon, it isn't like I'm eating the animals after I kill them. I just kill them because I hate deer. I can't tell you how many times I've stepped in deer - they everywhere. They are worse than old people. One time my little brother ate some deer because he thought it was beans. We had to take him to the hospital to get him tested for Lyme disease. I'm just killing deer to make Pennsylvania a better, safer place for children. I'm not eating them, so relax. I still don't eat chicken or burgers or any of that . You are really picky about the vegans that you want to live with. So when is the lease for your place up? I'm looking for a place to live for about five or six months, and the sooner I can move in, the better.
From Joanna ******** to Me:
YOU'RE NOT A VEGAN!
From Joanna ******** to Me:
Not eating certain kinds of meat doesn't make you a vegan. Veganism is a lifestyle which prohibits using any kind of animal product, be it food, clothes, or anything else. Hunting is absolutely unacceptable and your reasons for hunting are ridiculous. You won't be living at my apartment so give it up.
From Me to Joanna ********:
Wow, I never thought I would find someone as pretentious as Bono, but you take the cake. Next time I bite into a savory beef brisket, I'll think of you.
Insulting Parrot
Posted at: 2009-08-03 10:49:00
Original ad:
PARROT WANTED
I am looking for a parrot for my two children. I used to have a parrot and loved her and would love to see my kids have one. Really any kind of parrot will do. I have a vet that can check it out - please email me if you have a parrot you don't want!
Thanks!
From Me to **************@*********.org
Hi there!
I have an African Grey parrot that my wife and I do not want anymore. It would be great for your kids! Let me know if you want him.
Mike
From Sandra ********* to Me
Mike - tell me about your parrot! How old is he? Do you have any pictures of him? Why do you want to get rid of him?
From Me to Sandra ***********
Sandra,
My parrot is 2 years old. I don't have any pictures, but he looks like a typical parrot.
We are getting rid of him because my wife does not like him. My wife and I argue a lot, and the parrot seems to have picked up some of the things I have said and just shouts them at my wife when she walks by. I think the final straw was when the parrot called her a "stupid fat ." She takes it personally, even though I tell her that she shouldn't be self-conscious just because a parrot thinks she is fat. Now I will admit that I trained it to say "nice cellulite, " whenever my wife walks by, but the parrot pretty much just curses at everyone now. Whenever I walk in the door, it calls me a " sucking grundle licker." It kind of gets annoying when it is the first thing I hear after working all day.
Also, I let my friend watch the parrot for a week when I was on vacation, and ever since then, the parrot sings "The Final Countdown" by Europe every night at 4 in the morning. It often wakes me up and I am tired of it. I don't even like that song.
The parrot also has an issue with defecating in its cage. It will wait until I let it out, and then immediately fly over to the kitchen and on my food. If I don't let him out, he starts yelling "I have to !" until I let him out. It can go on for hours.
My wife pretty much told me either the parrot goes, or she will leave me. So I have no choice but to get rid of him. His name is Sam. I think he will be great for your kids, as long as they aren't fat and won't take the insults he yells at them personally.
I can set up a time for you to come check him out this week if you want. What day works for you?
Mike
From Sandra ********* to Me
Mike, I don't think that parrot would be appropriate for my kids - they are only five and seven years old.
From Me to Sandra ***********
Sandra,
I think he would be great for your kids. I didn't mean to scare you off with the bad description of the parrot. He really is a nice parrot. There is a way to prevent him from shouting obscenities. I found that if I soak his food in drain cleaner and then give it to him, it burns up his throat and he doesn't talk for a few days. I can include a bottle of Draino and a few bags of bird food with him, if you want.
Mike
From Sandra ********* to Me
Are you serious? That can kill him!! He sounds like he was a nice parrot but you have no idea how to take care of him! Give him to the SPCA!
From Me to Sandra ***********
Excuse me? I know how to take care of a parrot. It sounds like you don't know how to take care of your kids if you are always turning down free, lovable pets for them. THAT can kill their spirits. Why even put an ad up if you aren't willing to be reasonable? Sorry this parrot isn't perfect. You can't expect people to give you Toucan ing Sam for free.
I can't take him to the SPCA. They told me never to come back after I tried to give them a bunch of rats that my rat trap caught but didn't kill.
If you don't take my parrot, I'm afraid my only option is to release him into my backyard, and then shoot him with my shotgun for sport.
From Sandra ********* to Me
You are a f*cking lunatic.
From Me to Sandra ***********
Sandra please take my parrot. I just checked and I don't have any more birdshot s s for my gun. Please don't make me have to drive all the way to Delaware to get more.
Racist Microwave Buyer
Posted at: 2009-11-16 13:02:45
Original ad:
WANTED - Microwave
I am looking for a used microwave. WHITE ONLY
From Me to *********@************.org:
I have a LG microwave that I want to sell for $30. I am aware that your ad said whites only, but I am an African American. I sincerly hope that this won't be a problem for you, and we can put race issues aside and just do business.
Thank you,
Jamal
From Amy ****** to Me:
I am so sorry that you misread my ad. I meant the microwave should be white, because it would match my kitchen.
Amy
From Me to Amy ******:
Oh, so because I am black, you think that I can't read? It really is amazing that the world we live in is still so racist. I'm sorry, but your insults have left me feeling sick. I don't think I can sell my microwave to a bigot.
Sincerely offended,
Jamal
From Amy ****** to Me:
I wasn't suggesting that you couldn't read. I'm not racist. If you read my whole email you would see that the ad was looking for a white microwave, not a white person. I changed the ad to avoid any confusion.
Amy
From Me to Amy ******:
So now you think that because I am black, I am too lazy to read your whole e-mails. Your racism is overwhelming. You will never get my microwave from me. I will, however, sell you a burning cross for your next klan meeting. Does $20 for the cross sound fair?
From Amy ****** to Me:
I can't write anything without you being offended! I give up!
From Me to Amy ******:
So you don't want the microwave?
From Amy ****** to Me:
Will you still sell it to me?
From Me to Amy ******:
I would never sell anything to a racist.
From Amy ****** to Me:
Ugh I'm done with you.
Be A Man
Posted at: 2009-10-15 11:26:06
Original ad:
Old/used soccer equipment wanted for my kid. Will drive to pick up anywhere near Malvern. No calls, email only: ************@verizon.net
From Me to ************@verizon.net:
o,
I have a bunch of old soccer equipment that would be perfect for your daughter. I have soccer balls, nets, cleats, etc. Let me know specifically what you need and we can talk prices.
Thanks,
Mike
From ************@verizon.net to Me:
Actually the stuff is for my son because I want to get him started in soccer. I'm in need of a practice net, soccer ball and kids size 6 cleats if you have them. Thanks.
From Me to ************@verizon.net:
My mistake, I assumed it was for your daughter because it is soccer. If that is the way you want to raise your son, I have some other items you may want to buy for him. I have a pink twirling baton with silver ribbons, and a cheerleader set consisting of two pom-poms, pink cheerleader bloomers, and a toy megaphone.
I'm charging $100 for the practice net, $20 for the ball, $25 for the baton, and $30 for the cheerleader set. I don't have kids size 6 cleats, but you don't really need cleats for soccer anyway. Your son could probably just use his bunny slippers.
Let me know if you are interested.
Mike
From ************@verizon.net to Me:
Well I'm definitely interested in kicking your ing ass. One question, asshole: if you think soccer is so gay, why do you have soccer equipment, and a cheerleader set and baton?
From Me to ************@verizon.net:
Please, you aren't kicking anyone's ass. The fact that you are getting your son started in soccer instead of football says a lot about you as a man.
To answer your question, I have the baton and cheerleader set as trophies. When I was a kid, I used to go around the neighborhood and beat up all the other kids who played soccer and steal their stuff. I acquired the cheerleader set and baton from this one kid in the neighborhood, Caleb. I always knew that kid wasn't right - he used to ride around on a pink bike and always wanted to have tea parties with the other kids. I tried to help him by beating him up and stealing his baton, but I don't think it worked. I saw him in Philly a few years ago, blowing some guy in an alley. Anyway, I kept my gatherings in my shed out back as a testament to my manliness, but I need to make room for my new shotgun and power saw.
So do you want the stuff or not? I also have Brokeback Mountain on DVD. I ordered Die Hard, but that was sent to me in error. It sounds like a movie that you and your son would enjoy watching.
From ************@verizon.net to Me:
You must be so proud of what a big man you are with your shotgun and power saw.
From Me to ************@verizon.net:
You're goddamn right I am. It's just part of being a man, which you apparently know nothing about. Tell you what - forget the baton and cheerleader set. I want to help you. I'll sell you my shotgun for $1,700. It is a 10-gauge Remington that'll put some hair on your chest. Take your son hunting with it. There is nothing more manly than blowing a deer's head off and eating the raw venison from its neck.
Then, after you are done manning up, you can come back and I'll sell you some football equipment for your son. I'd hate to see him blowing Caleb in an alley in Philly some day.
From ************@verizon.net to Me:
How about you take your shotgun and stick it up your ass and pull the trigger? Go yourself.
HAha...that is hillarious.
Racist Microwave Buyer
Posted at: 2009-11-16 13:02:45
Original ad:
WANTED - Microwave
I am looking for a used microwave. WHITE ONLY
From Me to *********@************.org:
I have a LG microwave that I want to sell for $30. I am aware that your ad said whites only, but I am an African American. I sincerly hope that this won't be a problem for you, and we can put race issues aside and just do business.
Thank you,
Jamal
From Amy ****** to Me:
I am so sorry that you misread my ad. I meant the microwave should be white, because it would match my kitchen.
Amy
From Me to Amy ******:
Oh, so because I am black, you think that I can't read? It really is amazing that the world we live in is still so racist. I'm sorry, but your insults have left me feeling sick. I don't think I can sell my microwave to a bigot.
Sincerely offended,
Jamal
From Amy ****** to Me:
I wasn't suggesting that you couldn't read. I'm not racist. If you read my whole email you would see that the ad was looking for a white microwave, not a white person. I changed the ad to avoid any confusion.
Amy
From Me to Amy ******:
So now you think that because I am black, I am too lazy to read your whole e-mails. Your racism is overwhelming. You will never get my microwave from me. I will, however, sell you a burning cross for your next klan meeting. Does $20 for the cross sound fair?
From Amy ****** to Me:
I can't write anything without you being offended! I give up!
From Me to Amy ******:
So you don't want the microwave?
From Amy ****** to Me:
Will you still sell it to me?
From Me to Amy ******:
I would never sell anything to a racist.
From Amy ****** to Me:
Ugh I'm done with you.
My absolute favorite so far
http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=64
Free Diseases
Posted at: 2009-09-18 09:18:27
Original ad:
Looking for someone with chicken pox or shingles to expose to my two children. If you are still contagious and want to help, email or call ***-***-*****.
From Me to ************@***********.org
o,
I saw your ad and realized I could help. I have shingles right now, and the doctors tell me that it is still in the contagious stage. I live in South Bend. I would be able to visit your kids, or if you want to bring them to me, that works too. I took some sick days off from my job, so I am pretty much free any time.
Mike
From Jenn ******** to Me:
Mike thank you so much! I want my kids to be exposed before they have to go back to school so I would like to do this ASAP. How does tomorrow sound?
From Me to Jenn ********:
Jenn,
Tomorrow works for me. How do we do this? Do I just sneeze and cough on your kids or something?
Mike
From Jenn ******** to Me:
Hi Mike,
They should just be in your presence for a few minutes. Where in South Bend are you located? I can drive to you. Do you have a number you can be reached at?
From Me to Jenn ********:
Jenn,
I do have a phone, but I only have like 10 minutes left on my plan until September, and I need those minutes for ordering pizza. Lets just continue via e-mail. I live in LaSalle Park, are you familiar with it?
Also, it probably isn't a big deal, but I figured it is worth mentioning that I also have pulmonary tuberculosis right now. I hope this won't be a problem. It is probably better for your kids to get that out of the way too - it can be a real pain when you are older.
What time do you want to meet tomorrow?
Mike
From Jenn ******** to Me:
I don't want my kids to have TB. Thank you for trying to help but I am going to find someone else.
From Me to Jenn ********:
Jenn,
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you away with that. Pulmonary TB isn't that bad, and it is best if your kids get it over with when they are younger. You may as well knock it out at the same time as the chicken pox.
If you want, I can throw in malaria for an extra $50. My friend Tom just got back from Africa and I can have him come over and give it to your kids as well. He got all sorts of whacky diseases when he was in Africa. You might want your kids to get them too, just so they won't get them later if they ever visit Africa.
Mike
From Jenn ******** to Me:
Mike are you aware that TB and malaria don't work that way? People can't just "get it over with" those are very serious diseases.
From Me to Jenn ********:
Jenn,
I think I know how TB works, I have it (duh).
I just assumed you were one of those mothers who wanted to have sick children to attract pity and attention from others. Malaria is a great way to get pity from other moms! You'll be the most talked about mother in your neighborhood. You could brag about it to all the other mothers when they are going on about their sick kids - "*sigh* life is so hard with my husband at work, and my poor son has the flu."
"Oh yeah? Well my two kids have ing malaria. Suck it."
You'll be the envy of your whole clique of mothers.
Please reconsider my offer.
Mike
From Jenn ******** to Me:
How rude. I want my kids to get chicken pox while they are young for the medical benefits, not for attention.
You have problems, Mike. Seek professional help immediately.
Original ad:
we need profesional catering for our christmas day dinner party. must have experence catering. SERIOUS RESPONSES ONLY
From Me to ************@*********.org:
o,
I am writing in response to your ad looking for a caterer for your Christmas dinner party. I am a freelance chef with a lot of catering experience. I was the top chef at the world renowned Restauran de Bon Foodeux for over five years. If you are still looking for a caterer, let me know.
Thanks,
Michael
From Brian ******* to Me:
michael thank you for responding. what are your rates? we are expeting about twenty people at are dinner party so will need enough food for all of them. can you supply the food and we reembirse you? also do you have a menu of mealss you cook for us to choose from?
From Me to Brian *******:
Brian,
Supplying the food will not be a problem. I have a wide variety of exquisite dishes for you to choose from, which I will list below. My rates are per person and it depends on the meal, but generally ranges from $20-$40 per person. Here are the meals I typically offer:
La Nouille du Triomphe
A meal of pure bliss and flavor - a delicious plate of ramen noodles boiled in the purest of water. Noodles can be flavored with either chicken or beef seasoning.
Le Repas du Fromage Délicieux
A mouthwatering bowl of easy mac cooked to perfection in a microwave. Served with a side of peanut M&Ms.
Le Repas de la Faim de Grande Personne
A delectably and savory microwaved TV dinner. The dish comes with two pieces of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, freshly grown vegetables and a satisfying brownie that is heated to absolute perfection.
Le Sandwich Rouge
A truly phenominal sandwich consisting of ketchup spread over a carefully microwaved piece of bread, and then topped with another piece of bread. Comes with a side of mayonnaise for dipping.
Dessert
Le Plat du Lait et de la Céréale
A satisfying end to your meal, this dessert consists of a bowl of fruit loops served with either skim or 2% milk. Milk can be subs uted with water for those on a diet.
La Pâtisserie Bourrée
Individually wrapped twinkies that have been microwaved to sheer delight.
Let me know which meals you are interested in, and I can give you a quote on how much everything will cost.
Thank you,
Michael
From Brian ******* to Me:
what the you actully cater that to people ? yea im gonna serve easy mac and twinkies for christmas dinner are you in kidding me. my son in college could make that !
From Me to Brian *******:
Brian,
The twinkes aren't for everyone. I understand if you are on a diet, but for me, nothing celebrates the birth of Jesus like a twinkie and some good easy mac. If you aren't interested in that meal, would you consider any of my other options? My personal favorite is Le Sandwich Rouge. That is also very affordable. For twenty people, it would probably cost you about $400.
Michael
From Brian ******* to Me:
cut the bull fancy french names and call it a goddamn gross ass ketchup sanwich
From Me to Brian *******:
Brian,
I am personally offended that you are insulting my masterpiece meals. These are perfected family recipes that have been passed down for generations of chefs in my family. Cooking is my art, and for you to insult me without even trying my work is just plain rude.
Michael
that microwave one is incredible
Thank you for telling me about this website. I spent all of Friday cracking up over it. The concealed weapons one and the tree removal barter one are my favorites.
love this site
assuming it's real
Have you ever tried to sell something on the Craig? It's like a full moon everyday of your list. You can truly see how screw up some people are. At least the guy is honest that he is a asshole. Did anyone donate to web site so he can get drunk?
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