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arse
The Grand Final. To sum it up succinctly, I snapped my opponent's mind.
So, we were playing against King & Wank, the s who smacked me around about a month ago and pushed me over the edge, which was entirely my fault, but doesn’t change the fact that they are dirty es. I fouled out and we lost by 4. Advantage, them.
Everyone hates these guys, so there was a good crowd on hand as I think all the other teams in the compe ion also really wanted them to go down. One side of the court was packed with the other teams cheering us on, while the other side had the K&W supporters who booed and occasionally screamed abuse at us... well, mostly at me actually. You see, I am kind of a villain out there, a Rodman type in that I thrive on stopping the other team's front court and laughing it up.
I was playing on a guy my size with skills, the focal point of their offence and a 16ppg scorer, who also unfortunately loves to throw his elbows around and whine like a little girl every time he's touched. Let's call him the Infamous Gaping Vagina, or IGV for short. He and his mate Tubby (TB for short) beat me up and wore me down in our last encounter, and it was pretty clear that if they got the better of me again we'd be in trouble since we have no-one with the size to match up on IGV, or who dominates TB like I do. Anyway, we knew it was going to be a knock-down, drag-out brawl the whole way, but that if we played with our trademark intensity on D (we play only man, and are the only team in the comp to do so, and when we ramp it up we can be very tough to score on), we'd have a shot to win it. Personally, playing on a bum ankle, my plan was simple – be tougher and smarter than IGV and TB, and niggle them to death.
I swung the plan into action before the tip. Given that TB had almost taken my teeth out in the last game, and IGV had landed about 8 cheap shots, I took an executive decision – no low fives for you bas s. I dapped the rest of their team, but when it came to the cretins I snubbed their , and they weren't happy about it, which they proceeded to whine about. Already in their heads, I thought it a fine tactical decision.
The game opened up with a very tense first quarter as both teams struggled to score. IGV shoulder charged me each time down the court, but I just absorbed the contact and used the knee in the back of the thigh trick to keep him a few feet outside where he wanted to be in the post. I picked up an early foul, but IGV scored only 1pt in the quarter, so it felt like a win. We were up 11-10 at quarter time.
I sat the first half of the second quarter and looked on as we built a 21-12 lead then threw it away. By the time IGV and I took the court again it was 21-20, and they were looking for him in the post. By this time he had stopped shoulder charging me, and his drop in intensity was exactly what I was waiting for. He went at me a couple of times and missed both shots as I played solid defense, then on the next trip down the floor, as he was posting up and throwing his usual elbows, I got up in his ear and hissed (with a real edge): "get your ing elbows down". He responded with, "okay big fella, calm down", and I knew I had him.
The teams traded baskets for most of the 3rd quarter with no clear dominance either way, then IGV and I were on the court again, and early in the 4th, them leading by 4, things got interesting. IGV decided to do his usual – catch in the left block, spin/drop-step right for one dribble, put down shoulder, go straight through. Now at this point I had two fouls and he had one, but I'd worked out that as long as I kept my hands straight up, the experienced badge refs were going to let any bodying go unless it was egregious. So, I anticipated IGV's move and took a charge. Next time down, took another charge. Suddenly, he was on 3 fouls, had about 5 points to his name, and was starting to lose it. That’s when I did something a bit shady, although it wasn’t planned so much as instinctive. IGV and I were running down the court close together, with me on the outside, which is the wrong place to be, so I changed sides on him and accidentally (?) half-tripped him as his foot clipped my knee. Given that this was the same guy who had intentionally ankle tapped one of our guards with his hand last game, I didn’t feel too bad about it – taste of your own medicine and all that. IGV stopped, turned around and shoved me, bleating, "Watch your in feet, you clumsy !" as the double foul was called. 4 fouls on him, a broad smile on my face. Next possession they went to him of course, and of course I took another charge. "You ugly er…" was all he could manage. "Go take a seat, pal", was my grinning riposte.
By this time the crowd had swelled to maybe 100 people and was energising the game – to my left the King and Wankers crew booed and called for my head, while to the right the place erupted with shouts of "Nice one Ruffy!" and "Tough stuff Ruff!" I was flying high and my plan had worked to perfection, but we were still down 4 and our best shooter was on 4 fouls and having a horrible night. I took a rest and the game see-sawed as both teams made clutch jump shots.
I came back on with 6 minutes to go, down by two points. I was switched onto TB, who is about 6’2” but uses his massive bulk to bullock his way to the hole. All I had to do with him was keep my feet, hands straight up above my head, because he wasn’t tall enough to shoot over me – I had blocked his shot 3 times during a game earlier in the season. On the first possession they went to Tubby and he tried to go straight through me – yet another charge! He wasn’t at all happy about it and threw the ball at me from about 2m away, then tried to pick a fight. My simple reply was, “Go on, then”. He should have been T-ed up, but instead the refs, who I think did not want to further inflame the situation, gave us the ball on the side and got on with the game. (As an aside, we were fortunate to have experienced referees because most of the season we were reffed by garbage, which meant K&W got away with anything they wanted. Not on this night, though, which confirmed to me that a lot of their success is based on getting away with their bullying, dirty tactics).
The next 5 minutes went by in a blur as K&W seemed more intent on trying to hurt me than win the game. I hit the floor three times – a charge no-call and two rebounding scrums – landing on my right knee twice and bruising it to the point that I was limping with my bad ankle as the good leg! And then there was an incredible possession where we got 3 offensive rebounds, including one from our 16yo, 5’4” guard who skyed over their PF to keep the possession alive for us. Awesome stuff.
A minute to go and we were down 44-40 when one of our forwards stole the ball from their PG and took it all the way for a foul, making one of two – 44-41. They then took an inexplicable shot (I guess they figured we’d get a steal), we were fouled on the rebound, and with 30 seconds to go, Ando, our veteran PG, who had played a smart game all night by hitting open 3s and getting to the line, nailed a 3 off a nice screen. Scores tied!
On the next possession they missed, we secured the rebound and called a time out with 6 seconds to go. The play was simple – get the ball to Ando and let him drive the lane and get to the line. He’d been doing it all night, and that’s exactly what he did with 1.5 seconds to go! Nailed the first, missed the second, clock ran out with us as the victors, 45-44!!!
After the game, TB started screaming vitriol and blue murder, including the classic “I’m not going to slap hands with you, you er!” My reply was a very simple “I wasn’t going to slap your hand either, wit” as I sauntered over to our bench. On the way I punctuated the win with a primal scream, then started laughing uncontrollably. I’ve been grinning ever since.
arse
The moral of the story - if you are going to be a bully you'd better have something to back it up with, or else some bas with a penchant for vengeance and a load of suppressed aggression is going to expose you to the world for the coward you are. I in HATE bullies.
Well, off then.
Great story, absolutely fantastic.
Cliff Notes?
Did you have a parade?
Make this a note for your facebook friends. Might be a better venue.
you in racist, dawg?
sorted em out and put tha lot of their coloured arses on tha paddock mate
oh look, the crew is stalking ruffnready again, surprise surprise
sorry ruffandready
i really crossed the line dogg
i'm pretty sure he doesn't care about your apologies, which are about as worthless as the fat from which they are coming from.
.
And it goes, and it goes
And it goes a little something like this
Hit It!
IronMexican's in the house
Come on
Here we go
Aaron's in the house
Yo guys, check it out
Guess what happened to me
(Another crazy story, come on AC)
I was hanging at the court
Just playing some ball
Working on my game
(Yeah, we heard it all)
I heard the fans screaming
I thought it was for me
But then I saw a shadow
It was 12 foot 3
It was Shaquile O'Neal
(What? What did he say?)
(How 'bout some one-on-one, you wanna play?)
I told him why not, I got some time
But when I beat you real bad
Try not to cry
(Please Aaron, are you for real?)
(One-on-one with Shaquile O'Neal?)
Yeah, 34 Centre from the L.A. Lakers
(You must've been nervous)
I knew I could take him
Scared the Shaq, psyche him out
I said O'Neal, you're in my house now
Start the game the whistle blows
Pay attention close as the story goes...
CHORUS
It's like boom (boom)
I put it in the hoop
Like slam (slam)
I heard the crowd screaming
out jam (jam)
I swear that I'm telling you the facts
Cuz that's how I beat Shaq
X2
So check it out
I thought I had the lead
But then he started scoring more points than me
I was scoring up bricks
(Was he hitting those shots?)
I knew that there was a way that I could make it stop
I had a plan, I could change the pace
I said, Yo Shaq you didn't tie your shoelace
He looked down, I stole the ball
I'm taking him the scoon now watch me all
A 3-pointer, nothing but net
Come on Shaq, had enough yet?
Down by two, I'm catching up
I guess he's getting nervous
Cuz he already lost
CHORUS
Dunk after dunk
Jam after jam
Cheerleaders are cheering
Aaron's the man
X 2
Annoncers were shocked
couldn't believe it was real
(I can't believe a kid just stuffed O'Neal)
One more second, was all that remained
I put the ball up
I put him in shame
I must admit that it sounds real crazy
but the ball went in
Then he cried like a baby
Sorry Shaq, I should've let you win
You're good too
And we can still be friends
The fans went nuts
They put me on their shoulders
Then I heard a voice
And it sounded like my mother's
(Get up for school, you're gonna be late!)
Ma, can't you see that I'm playing the game?
(How could you be playing if you're still in bed?)
(Are you gettin' sick, did you hit your head?)
Aw, man it was all a dream
I guess that kinda thing could never happen to me
If it was a dream and it wasn't real
How'd I get a jersey with the name O'Neal?
Woah...
ruffnready spaghetti spaghetti
will the real ladies man please stand upppppppp
A wild Snorlax appears!
sounds like ozzy was trolled pretty bad by the other team
Did you get the gold or silver remakes? I'm really contemplating buying a DS just for that new Gold.
The team is called the Wanks?
language barrier i guess
I don't think so. "Wanks" is U.K. slang.
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