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i only read a few sentences, sorry.
think of it this way... it's a numbers game so play until you hit a homerun!
edit: ok i just finished reading it all. wow, that was... anyhow, you think about the little things too much man.
This seems like a good place to get some help, short of hiring a shrink. Professional help is good and all, but I'm not so far gone that a handful of acquaintances shouldn't be able to give me some legitimate advice/help. I know that with the genuine helpful comments, I'll also get destroyed by the trolls, and I'm OK with that. Comes with the territory, and if I didn't want to get made fun of I'd pay the money to hire a shrink. So here it goes...
I am afraid of women. There I said it. In public situations, I am fine, I can make anyone laugh, and smile, and feel comfortable. It's when it comes down to approaching a girl I find attractive and end by asking her on a date. I just can't do it. Even as I sit here typing this, I think to myself "that is not a hard thing to do at all, just approach, offer small talk, if it seems like she is feeling me, ask her if she is free to hang out sometime". When the time comes in real life, I get as far as noticing the attractive girl I would like to ask out on a date. I see her and fear (of rejection?) (of not being able to find the words to speak to her?) grabs a hold of my body. I am petrified. Down right terrified at the thought of walking up to this beautiful stranger. Instead of thinking of ways to start a conversation, I start thinking of reasons why I should not approach her. Among those reasons are, and not limited to; "I'm too drunk", "I don't look my absolute perfect best right now" "I have a busy week coming up and dont have time for a date this week", etc. etc. etc. I'm the king of excuses for not talking to a girl and I can come up with ANY reason to not approach a girl I find attractive. The result is feeling like a total loser and that I'll never find a woman because I'm too much of a pussy to even give it a chance. Now all those reasons themselves should be motivation enough to overcome my fear and just approach and talk to her, and I know that, I tell myself that in those situations. But then the petrifying fear creeps over me again and I cannot do it.
Let me get one thing straight. I am a good looking guy. I am in shape, I work out. I am good at sports. Like I said earlier, I have a great personality and can make anyone laugh, smile, and feel comfortable. I have NO GOOD REASON for not approaching girls. It's just when it comes to these particular situations, I lose control and something holds me back.
Let me get another thing straight. I have been with some of the most beautiful women you could ever meet. I'm talking, a couple of them, model beautiful. How did that happen? They approached Me, this is something that seemed to happen a little more frequently when I was a little younger (around the beginning of college, I am 28 now). So I guess I never really thought that the burden of starting a relationship would be 100% on me. I haven't had a beautiful woman approach me in probably 5 years. I'm to the point where I realize that those incidents in my younger years were probably the result of being in the right time and the right place. "Flukish" if you will. So knowing that it is now up to me to go after the women I want to have a relationship with, terrifies me, given my situation, or perceived inability to approach women. What is holding me back? Does anyone know? What am I missing? I feign confidence, I know I can satisfy and woman and keep her interest, but deep down inside I know I'll never get the chance to because I can't even get my foot in the door.
Now down to the really sad part. I am 28 years old and I have only asked ONE girl (who did not approach me first) on a date. Let me say that again. I AM 28 YEARS OLD AND I HAVE ONLY ASKED ONE GIRL OUT ON A DATE. What happened? She said YES! (Again, why am I so scared to approach girls if I have a 100% success rate?) Now here is the even sadder part, Of all the women I have approached, or who have approached me, and I have established a meaningful relationship with, I have had sex with only, get this... TWO of them. One, who was pretty, but totally not my type, finally just threw herself at me. The other was a long term girlfriend (who I still have issues with to this day, but that's another story). Two women out of about 15 girl that I have had serious, meaningful relationships with. That's bad. Let me explain this turn of events... I COULD have had sex with everyone of these girls, I wanted to, and should have. My problem comes back to something holding me back. The same fear that stops me from approaching attractive girls in public, stops me from making the appropriate moves to get laid in private. ED UP RIGHT?? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? The excuses start flying around in my head again; "I don't have a condom", "sometimes I can't stay hard when I use condoms and I don't know this girl well enough to go at it without", "I dont have any gum", "People are in the house, they'll hear us or bust in on us", and the big one... old reliable... "she doesnt want me to make a move on her." The King of Excuses, that's me. You can imagine what all of these missed opportunities does to my psyche and my confidence going forward. Instead of satisfying these wonderful, beautiful girls desires, I send them away (figuratively and literally) wanting and confused about what just happened. I send them away wondering "was it me?" "is he ashamed of something?" when I could be sending them away knowing that the desire was mutual and that I have NOTHING to be ashamed of, in fact I have things I should be very PROUD of. If I had done what I should have done, as a man, my actions would be breeding confidence in my personal and sexual life, instead, my actions breed self doubt, pity, and lack of confidence.
Now I feel like I am past this point, I've matured beyond the level of being uncertain in private situations with women. My long term girlfriend helped me with that. I feel confident in the fact that I can pick up on signals and move appropriately on them now. The problem now remains, Can I ever get a woman in the bedroom with me again if I can't even approach a girl and get her in a date with me. The one time I mentioned I asked a girl out and she said yes was sort of cheating myself. I knew the girl previously, just as an acquaintance, and had friends that knew her personally. I was assured that she did not have a boyfriend and I pounded a couple cans of liquid courage before I nutted up and asked her. It was not smooth, and rather to the point, but she sort of liked that in me and agreed to accompany me on a date. It was awkward, but it worked, even though it didnt give me a lot of confidence in my future abilities to ask a girl out. It was a practice run, for sure, but I still dont feel the freedom or confidence to get out in the field and do it again without the same type of assurances and liquid confidence I had before.
Help me SpursTalk, you're my only hope. (That is so sad)
Sorry it was so long, thanks to those who took the time to read it.
i only read a few sentences, sorry.
think of it this way... it's a numbers game so play until you hit a homerun!
edit: ok i just finished reading it all. wow, that was... anyhow, you think about the little things too much man.
Last edited by koriwhat; 09-08-2010 at 12:52 PM.
Am completely disappointed by a lack of Bel-Air in this post.
I can't take you're advice seriously unless you've read the whole thing. Thanks for letting me know you only read a little bit of it. It's a complicated situation I am living and I dont even think 6 paragraphs paints a clear enough picture to show what I am going through.
maybe you've invested too much into your "ethics" or "morals" or whatever you want to call them. maybe too much into believing every chick you get with has to be "the one". whatever it is, you're not going to find much of an answer to your problem from some internet messageboard. play the field and realize in order to get what you want you must go for it head first with everything you've got. confidence is only built by being confident even if at first that confidence is a facade.
it has nothing to do with ethics or morals. How can I get out and "play the field" if I am petrified by the bright stadium lights? so to speak
I've been here for a while, I've seen some solid advice passed back and forth between people in need and people who have been there before.
You might want to think twice before consulting koriwhat for advice.
btw, last week i asked this cute little mexican chick out from peiwei and well... i got the "my boyfriend actually works with me, he's right over there." hahaha!
i don't talk to anyone at that peiwei but i do eat there a ton when i work at my other job and for the past couple weeks this chick has been initiating conversation after conversation with me. we talk about everything from mexico to music and all things in-between and so you can understand why i thought she had a bit of interest.
anyhow, the other week i order my food as usual. before my food was cooked this chick brings me some wonton soup for free, because it's her favorite soup there, and also brings me some limes, because she loves lime juice in her soup. and so i start to think, "well maybe i should ask her out sometime." anyhow, i didn't ask her out because of the soup but because she's cool to talk with and her body is killer.
well, shot down! anyhow, like i said before. it's a numbers game and maybe the next chick i come across works with her man too and so it goes... keep on trying. there's nothing to be ashamed of or lose confidence over if there's no mutual interest. just move along and remember, you actually asked her out!
I'm addressing everyone with my responses.You might want to think twice before consulting koriwhat for advice.
and why's that? because i am trolled here daily? pshhh...You might want to think twice before consulting koriwhat for advice.
as silly as it sounds, there is no greater feeling than overcoming a fear, actually asking a girl out in my case
Women have diseases, OP. Stay away.
lol. yes this is one of my excuses to not approach a girl or to not "make my move"
I'm not looking for one-night-stands. I'm looking for relationships, and if our relationship becomes sexual, I'd know her well enough by that point to know she is as squeaky clean as I am.
like i said, you won't find an answer here as to how you will overcome your fear of asking a woman out. the easy answer to your question is to... ask a woman out!
that! for practice... ask every woman out! just keep doing it over and over until it becomes second nature. like driving a manual, you gotta get into first gear first and foremost!
haha CH i love that photo!
Get spur calf tats.
i'll try, but the fear will grip me again. seriously I will take steps to improve my situation and keep this thread updated. I am not one to complain about something and not work towards solutions. But this is beyond an "easier said than done" situation. I have serious mental blocks.
Definitely a problem with gender. Sound like you want to come out of the closet and announce you are indeed a got. In my professional opinion of course.
As paradoxical as this might sound the best thing for you to do is to dive right in and get shot down a couple of times. In reading that it sounds like fear of failure is the biggest hurdle. From there, just approach it like any other skill you would want to develop and practice, learn from mistakes, and keep at it. In sports terms think like baseball, not chess. If it's the right girl you don't have be two steps ahead of anything, you just have to be ready for the next pitch. Don't go up to a woman wondering how you'll get her number, go up to her thinking how you're going to hold a conversation for the next 60 seconds. If it goes bad you've just spent one minute of your life learning what not to do. Keep that mindset front and center.
have you ever taken a speech course? when i took one way back when i first started college i never knew how chicken- i was to speak formally to a class full of people i didn't know but the more i did it the easier it became. like that, just rinse and repeat man and sooner or later it'll be second nature to approach women you are interested in.
good advice SFIE, I have a tendency to overthink every situation and a habit of talking myself out of taking actions I should take. If I see a girl I like should I immediately approach without "game planning" first?
stop thinking, start acting!
I didn't bother reading that whole mess.
Just in here to post I also got 99 problems and they all es
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