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Yo, homes, to Bel Air!
Well yeah, I took speech before and I am definitely not good at that either, being the center of attention like that is nerve wrecking. One girl might as well be a classroom full of people because it is the exact same feeling.
Yo, homes, to Bel Air!
yeah i'm not awesome at speaking to crowds but with women, i just let it flow regardless of the outcome. my friend always says, "it is what it is", so that's the mentality i go with when talking with women. if it pans out, "it is what it is", and if it doesn't, "it is what it is". haha!
hope you stop fearing what shouldn't be feared. but CH did give a great response earlier, "disregard femals, acquire currency!"
I got little money and no women so I must really be doing something wrong.
have you tried hitting on fat es. If you still nervous doing that you are hopeless
otherwise, bang a few fatties and see how you feel after that.
If nothing else, it was therapeutic typing all of this out and sharing my problem with others. Even though it is anonymous, I still feel like I got it out there and maybe someone will have something to say that turns on a light on my head. Also, being a long-time member of SpursTalk, I know that there are probably a lot of fellow ST'ers that are going through the same situation. Misery enjoys company!
I dont need to bang anyone to feel better, and i dont want to waste time hitting on girls i'm not attracted to. Like I said ( or maybe I didn't) I would probably have a high success rate if I did actually start asking girls out. I've got nothing stopping me except this mental hump. Seriously, what is so depressing to me is all the time I've wasted.
well then you have no hope. If you don't want to practice on fat asses to improve your game, you are not even willing to take step 1.
The game requires practice, if you are not willing to put in the effort you will have to marry either Handela or Palmela and call it a day.
I feel you, A_T... I used to be the same way. I became a barfly in my 20's in order to get the Dutch courage to make my moves, but eventually I figured out how to stop over-thinking everything without getting blotto, so if nothing else, spare yourself the cirrhosis.
You say you've been hit on by girls, so ask yourself which ones did it well and which were artless. I'm guessing the ones that were clearly just interested in getting some were, ironically, less sexy for it, while the ones that made you laugh or said something you agreed with scored points out of the gate.
I guess I'd say the thing to bear in mind is to not get so overwhelmed by a girl's hotness that you don't pay attention to other things about her, like whether you may have anything in common with her. If you can't get a read on her personality visually, just linger around a bit and eavesdrop -- as stalker as it sounds, it's also a great way to avoid wasting time on a chick who looks hot but would actually irritate the out of you.
Anyway, if you can detect some commonality, use that as the basis to try and establish some friendly banter, or at least give yourself enough of a sense of familiarity around her to defuse your anxiety. If you can't detect anything, there's a good chance she isn't for you so you may as well pass on her and not feel bad about it. There's nothing worse than flirting with a chick and making jokes she doesn't get.
After doing it long enough, you'll eventually realize (on a visceral level) that rejection doesn't sting as much as you think it may, and that it never hurts to just open your mouth and start jabbering about something/anything. If you crash and burn, you can always have a laugh about it later, but more often than not a girl will meet you halfway if there's any interest on her part.
Not a quick-fix magic bullet, I guess, but what is?
Stop thinking about it in terms of "hitting" on them. Don't see a gorgeous girl and think, "Man, I want to be her boyfriend." Don't. Anyone who refers to it as a "game" is just setting themselves up for high-drama women. You don't want a girl you're going to have to play games with to get, if you play games to get her, you're going to have to play games to keep her.
Just go talk to her. Don't think about it. You don't have to have scintillating conversation for her to be interested. If there's chemistry there, it will evolve naturally rather than being forced.
And it's obviously troll-bait in The Club, but check out a dating site. It takes the pressure off of having to think quickly the first time you talk to a girl. OKCupid is pretty decent, and free.
why and where do I hit on fat girls? talking to them is not so much the problem, it's the asking them out on a date. If i dont want to ask them on a date then there is no reason to fear talking to them. It's the girls I'm attracted to that I am afraid to talk to. I keep thinking, "there are so many other good looking guys in here, she doesnt want me talking to her, she wants someone else to talk to her." I constantly have the self-defeating thoughts even though most of these girls are probably thinking "I wish he would come talk to me"
Having now read your post...
I know from experience (I have no problem approaching people I'm interested in romantically, for some reason, but am horrible at approaching new people to make friends) that the two things you're doing -- trying to force yourself to become magically confident and thinking there's something wrong with you when it doesn't work -- are exactly the things that are going to make approaching women scarier. As some said, you're way overthinking it. At a certain point, you have to just jump in and risk making an ass of yourself.
great advice, admiral. This is really the kind of advice I was looking for when i thought about starting this thread. I've already decided that the worst place for me to meet girls in a bar. I used to be a booze hound, but not so much any more. The funny thing is, I've never been approached by a girl in a bar, at parties, where drinking is involved, yes, but never a bar. I'd like to meet a girl through clubs (jogging club or spanish club, etc), school, work, or mutual acquaintances. good things come to those who wait, but time is really becoming a factor.
Words to live by.
I've thought about that, but I think I'll wait til I'm desperate and around 35 before signing up for an eHarmony account! haha
that's a good point, playing off of that, I'd imagine the feeling I get before approaching a woman is similar to the feeling of a person who can't swim preparing to jump in the water. The difference is, person who can't swim runs the risk of jumping in, drowning, and dying. I dont think I'll die if I approach a woman and start to drown
So you'll make a pretty huge self-divulging post to a random sports forum, but you won't sign up for an e-dating site because it's too embarrassing for you? Do you apply this same kind of logic to your dating life? If so, that might be a starting problem.
It sounds to me like you're still attempting to dictate your options thinking it's going to get you somewhere. I mean, who cares where you meet a girl, if she's hot, has a good sense of humor, and is fun to be around?
She's not going to just fall out of the sky and ask you to be her boyfriend. You have to put in the work. And right now, you're stuck in, "I want it to happen MY way, the easy way!" land.
I've found that, in general, making a conscious effort to meet a girl (or anyone else) can signal instant disaster for those of us who may suffer a bit of social anxiety (which, for the record, is everyone on the planet whether or not they want to admit it). Going out to meet someone puts too much pressure on the situation -- it places a goal on the evening by which you can measure tangible success or failure.
I'm not, personally, a fan of meeting people when I'm drunk off my ass (or meeting anyone else who is drunk off their ass), but that doesn't mean I haven't met great people hanging out in bars with my friends. No reason to rule out an entire location, in my mind.
Dude, you're just heaping anxiety onto your current predicament by bringing time into the discussion. Your ideals of how and by what time you're supposed to find a significant other are just that: ideals. There are some things you can't control, and honestly? That's half the fun of it.
Just put yourself out there doing the things you like to do, and meeting the people you like to meet. If it takes awhile, so be it. Just live your life, yo.
it's not even about making an ass out of yourself but i understand where you're coming from CF.
are you an ass for trying? no!
I consider dating sites to be "the easy way".
It is not embarassing to go that route, I'd just like to prove to myself that I can do it the old-fashioned, traditional way. Better to get over this hump now while I still have my good looks and relative youth going for me. I'd hate to be 40-years-old and look back and be ashamed that I never gave it a try, god knows i've got enough regrets in my life.
or you can be like my brother and marry the first beast that comes your way because you're so hung up about being married by X age. crazy!
I've always looked at it like this, what's the point in going out to drink if you're not trying to meet someone? the drinking itself isn't really the fun part to me, you can get drunk at home with your friends if your desire is just to get drunk (you can do it a lot cheaper too). The fun in going out and drinkning is that everyone is a lot looser, and as a result, conversation should flow a lot easier. Problem is, these days, i go from not drunk enough to approach a woman directly to waaaay too drunk to approach a woman.
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