I've got a problem...

[Cry Havoc]

I consider dating sites to be "the easy way".

It is not embarassing to go that route, I'd just like to prove to myself that I can do it the old-fashioned, traditional way. Better to get over this hump now while I still have my good looks and relative youth going for me. I'd hate to be 40-years-old and look back and be ashamed that I never gave it a try, god knows i've got enough regrets in my life.

IF you're going to do it, then do it. No amount of advice in the world is going to help you if you can't man up, walk up to a woman, and say, "Hi. I'm _____. How are you?"

I don't know why you're asking for advice when you have admitted that all you need to do is get over your fear and start talking to chicks. They aren't some magical en ies, and you aren't going to spontaneously combust if a few of them roll their eyes at you and think you're an idiot for approaching them. That reflects on them, not you.

[admiralsnackbar]

I consider dating sites to be "the easy way".

It is not embarassing to go that route, I'd just like to prove to myself that I can do it the old-fashioned, traditional way. Better to get over this hump now while I still have my good looks and relative youth going for me. I'd hate to be 40-years-old and look back and be ashamed that I never gave it a try, god knows i've got enough regrets in my life.

That's funny, I think an eHarmony date would be as hard as a date gets. Think about it: when you meet somebody on your own terms, the two of you determine what the relationship will become on your own terms. On a dating service date, you're both there with the explicit goal to find a life partner (unless you're on one of those weird dating sites ), and are judging each other on those terms from the go. Fuuuuuck that

[koriwhat]

IF you're going to do it, then do it. No amount of advice in the world is going to help you if you can't man up, walk up to a woman, and say, "Hi. I'm _____. How are you?"

I don't know why you're asking for advice when you have admitted that all you need to do is get over your fear and start talking to chicks. They aren't some magical en ies, and you aren't going to spontaneously combust if a few of them roll their eyes at you and think you're an idiot for approaching them. That reflects on them, not you.

[Chachachango]

Start with the fat or ugly chicks first, then work yourself up to average and hot girls. I got rejected pretty bad one time and looking back at that is quite funny but at that moment it felt like . It's all about learning when you fail. Like some said, you over think it. Don't assume the girl is "the one". Just go and say hi and don't come off as a weirdo. Smile,relax, and go with the flow. You'll notice girls laugh at the stupidest things,if they do she like you, so don't think they're making fun of you.

[CuckingFunt]

I've always looked at it like this, what's the point in going out to drink if you're not trying to meet someone? the drinking itself isn't really the fun part to me, you can get drunk at home with your friends if your desire is just to get drunk (you can do it a lot cheaper too). The fun in going out and drinkning is that everyone is a lot looser, and as a result, conversation should flow a lot easier. Problem is, these days, i go from not drunk enough to approach a woman directly to waaaay too drunk to approach a woman.

Then you put way too much importance on meeting someone, in general. It's no wonder you have so much anxiety there.

The drinking/getting drunk, well, that probably shouldn't be the fun part. That would just indicate a different problem. But spending time with your friends should be fun. And, if you stopped stressing so much about meeting someone, probably would be. Word of advice, from a girl: we don't particularly want to spend time with the guy who can't have fun. Go out, spend time with your friends, have fun and be engaging, and the girl thing will be a bajillion times easier. I almost guarantee it.

[silverblk mystix]

Well I am no expert, but I did stay at a holiday express inn last night...

Actually I did see a couple of nice responses here, one by admiral and one by cry havoc,
but I guess I will throw my two cents in.

To the OP;

You actually have a pretty decent at ude concerning women, particularly the at ude that you don't wish to waste your time on women who you see no future with. Either that is a good virtue - or you are a bit snobbish-which is not a bad thing when trying to score.

The thing I would add to the previous responses is that it might be a good idea to stop thinking of the end result-the outcome-the reward...ie; getting laid.

If you just focus on getting to know someone without your wishes or desires getting in the way it will result in two things.

#1) The pressure will be lifted because you are only having a conversation about-whatever and learning about this girl; her thoughts,her mannerisms,her way of carrying herself,her opinions,convictions,beliefs,prejudices,etc....
(take ALL the time you need to discover everything about her, and also giving you and her a level of being comfortable-which is very important)

#2) This leads to a determination by both of you-if there is enough to want to continue...if you have picked her brain-and she still interests you-then you invested your time wisely...if she becomes a drag-you politely excuse yourself and tell her it was great talking to her.

If after all this you want to proceed further it will be pretty easy because , by then, you will be pretty sure of the amount of interest there...she will probably encourage you herself anyway.

Someone mentioned about playing games to get a girl-then having to play games to keep her...that was very good advice and very true--be careful how much work you have to put in to get a girl because she will end up with you in part because of this. One day, another guy will put in TWICE as much work as you did and she will respond to him because that is part of who she is-someone that can be convinced or won over.

The ones where there is time enough to let nature/chemistry take its course are the ones where she didn't have to be convinced of being with you-these relationships usually show more promise and less drama - if the girl as really into you in the first place.

Good luck.

[anti_troll]

I dont have a problem having fun, again, like i said, I can make anyone smile, laugh, and feel comfortable. I guess I have a problem with knowing when to go for it, and who to go for it with? What are the signs? I know eye contact is good, but my eye sight can be kind of fuzzy and sometimes I can't tell if a girl is looking at me or past me. Is there a sure-fire sign that I should be looking for that should tell me "this girl wants you to come talk to her"?

[admiralsnackbar]

I dont have a problem having fun, again, like i said, I can make anyone smile, laugh, and feel comfortable. I guess I have a problem with knowing when to go for it, and who to go for it with? What are the signs? I know eye contact is good, but my eye sight can be kind of fuzzy and sometimes I can't tell if a girl is looking at me or past me. Is there a sure-fire sign that I should be looking for that should tell me "this girl wants you to come talk to her"?

As chivalrous as your concern is for your "mark," I'd advise you to put thoughts regarding her desire to speak to you out of your head. On some level, this isn't even about her: you're doing this for you. Let her be the judge of whether or not you picked the right time.

[anti_troll]

Well I am no expert, but I did stay at a holiday express inn last night...

Actually I did see a couple of nice responses here, one by admiral and one by cry havoc,
but I guess I will throw my two cents in.

To the OP;

You actually have a pretty decent at ude concerning women, particularly the at ude that you don't wish to waste your time on women who you see no future with. Either that is a good virtue - or you are a bit snobbish-which is not a bad thing when trying to score.

The thing I would add to the previous responses is that it might be a good idea to stop thinking of the end result-the outcome-the reward...ie; getting laid.

If you just focus on getting to know someone without your wishes or desires getting in the way it will result in two things.

#1) The pressure will be lifted because you are only having a conversation about-whatever and learning about this girl; her thoughts,her mannerisms,her way of carrying herself,her opinions,convictions,beliefs,prejudices,etc....
(take ALL the time you need to discover everything about her, and also giving you and her a level of being comfortable-which is very important)

#2) This leads to a determination by both of you-if there is enough to want to continue...if you have picked her brain-and she still interests you-then you invested your time wisely...if she becomes a drag-you politely excuse yourself and tell her it was great talking to her.

If after all this you want to proceed further it will be pretty easy because , by then, you will be pretty sure of the amount of interest there...she will probably encourage you herself anyway.

Someone mentioned about playing games to get a girl-then having to play games to keep her...that was very good advice and very true--be careful how much work you have to put in to get a girl because she will end up with you in part because of this. One day, another guy will put in TWICE as much work as you did and she will respond to him because that is part of who she is-someone that can be convinced or won over.

The ones where there is time enough to let nature/chemistry take its course are the ones where she didn't have to be convinced of being with you-these relationships usually show more promise and less drama - if the girl as really into you in the first place.

Good luck.

Thanks for the advice!

The problem has always been the initial approach. I have never had a problem holding a conversation or getting to know someone. It is the initial connection "Hi I'm so and so, who are you?" "Hi, what's going on?" " o, I wanted to come introduce myself" etc etc always sounds so stupid in my mind. Like any girl would see right through that and perceive my intentions as "oh this guy is just looking to get laid, give me a break", When really my intention is to get to know them a bit to see if there is potential for a relationship, not necessarily a date or marriage, just to see if this girl is cool or not and to see if she thinks im cool or not. The relationship will build itself if there is chemistry.

[Chachachango]

Look up the three second rule.

here you go man. hope this helps.

http://www.askmen.com/dating/player/48b_love_games.html

[Cry Havoc]

I dont have a problem having fun, again, like i said, I can make anyone smile, laugh, and feel comfortable. I guess I have a problem with knowing when to go for it, and who to go for it with? What are the signs? I know eye contact is good, but my eye sight can be kind of fuzzy and sometimes I can't tell if a girl is looking at me or past me. Is there a sure-fire sign that I should be looking for that should tell me "this girl wants you to come talk to her"?

Who cares? Who the cares?

[anti_troll]

As chivalrous as your concern is for your "mark," I'd advise you to put thoughts regarding her desire to speak to you out of your head. On some level, this isn't even about her: you're doing this for you. Let her be the judge of whether or not you picked the right time.

Have i said anything that would indicate I consider girls to be "marks"? thats kind of a negative way to put it. But I understand what you are saying. I guess I just want to increase my chances of success by avoiding the most obvious pitfalls.

[anti_troll]

Look up the three second rule.

here you go man. hope this helps.

http://www.askmen.com/dating/player/48b_love_games.html

Haha Thanks man, this is totally me

[CuckingFunt]

I dont have a problem having fun, again, like i said, I can make anyone smile, laugh, and feel comfortable.

My point is that, in my experience, people are attracted to those who look like they are having fun. The hot guy/girl at a bar who is more focused on looking for the next person to approach than on interacting with others may look like a super model, but I'm not at all interested. The attractive guy/girl who is relaxing with their friends at a table full of laughter and exciting conversation, though? I'm all over that. You may be incredibly personable and fun to be around, but people aren't going to assume that unless they see it in action.

And, I speak from experience, here. As I hinted in an earlier post, I am super shy in situations where I don't know anyone. I tend to shut down, go quiet, and do my own thing. I still get approached in those situations by the icky guys looking to get laid, but that's it. When I'm out with my friends, though, and am confident and talkative within that group, I find that I/we tend to attract a lot more people -- as if people think that's a fun table, that's an interesting bunch, I want to be a part of it.

I guess I have a problem with knowing when to go for it, and who to go for it with? What are the signs? I know eye contact is good, but my eye sight can be kind of fuzzy and sometimes I can't tell if a girl is looking at me or past me. Is there a sure-fire sign that I should be looking for that should tell me "this girl wants you to come talk to her"?

That's where the jump in and risk making an ass of yourself thing comes into play. Is it really that big of a deal if she wasn't looking at you? Introduce yourself anyway and go from there. Girls, unless they're unbelievably high maintenance and/or living in a fantasy world, aren't really expecting guys to be magically flawless. A bit of nervousness can in fact be quite endearing.

[admiralsnackbar]

Have i said anything that would indicate I consider girls to be "marks"? thats kind of a negative way to put it. But I understand what you are saying. I guess I just want to increase my chances of success by avoiding the most obvious pitfalls.

no no no, man -- I was just using the term to add color to the discussion. No offense to you or the ladies of the world intended.

[silverblk mystix]

Thanks for the advice!

The problem has always been the initial approach. I have never had a problem holding a conversation or getting to know someone. It is the initial connection "Hi I'm so and so, who are you?" "Hi, what's going on?" " o, I wanted to come introduce myself" etc etc always sounds so stupid in my mind. Like any girl would see right through that and perceive my intentions as "oh this guy is just looking to get laid, give me a break", When really my intention is to get to know them a bit to see if there is potential for a relationship, not necessarily a date or marriage, just to see if this girl is cool or not and to see if she thinks im cool or not. The relationship will build itself if there is chemistry.

You can take two of either approaches and they might even be opposites.

#1) The very direct and blunt and honest approach, ``hey, I wanted to say hi because I find you really interesting.''

or just go the opposite and forget approaching any girl...which is

#2) just stop trying-it is not working for you

go on with your life-but really get into it and stop trying to figure this out.
When you really get into what you are doing-you become a normal interesting person and people will respond. People-including girls of course-will just innocently engage you or be engaged by you in conversation and nature will take its course. Just give up and go on with life and, trust me, women will be in your life without you trying- if you are even HALF as attractive as you described yourself.

[anti_troll]

My point is that, in my experience, people are attracted to those who look like they are having fun. The hot guy/girl at a bar who is more focused on looking for the next person to approach than on interacting with others may look like a super model, but I'm not at all interested. The attractive guy/girl who is relaxing with their friends at a table full of laughter and exciting conversation, though? I'm all over that. You may be incredibly personable and fun to be around, but people aren't going to assume that unless they see it in action.

And, I speak from experience, here. As I hinted in an earlier post, I am super shy in situations where I don't know anyone. I tend to shut down, go quiet, and do my own thing. I still get approached in those situations by the icky guys looking to get laid, but that's it. When I'm out with my friends, though, and am confident and talkative within that group, I find that I/we tend to attract a lot more people -- as if people think that's a fun table, that's an interesting bunch, I want to be a part of it.



That's where the jump in and risk making an ass of yourself thing comes into play. Is it really that big of a deal if she wasn't looking at you? Introduce yourself anyway and go from there. Girls, unless they're unbelievably high maintenance and/or living in a fantasy world, aren't really expecting guys to be magically flawless. A bit of nervousness can in fact be quite endearing.

Thanks CF, nice to have a womans perspective!

[anti_troll]

no no no, man -- I was just using the term to add color to the discussion. No offense to you or the ladies of the world intended.

oh ok!

[anti_troll]

Thanks every one! I wil re-read all the comments and advice in here and see what I can do with it. I'll update in this thread as time goes on...

[The Reckoning]

wait until a thunderstorm, go to a busy college campus with your umbrella and it's all yours for the pickin.

[admiralsnackbar]

A parting word of advice:



Don't use these condoms unless you want your to feel like it's having a febrile outbreak of malaria

[TDMVPDPOY]

the 2 girls OP said he had sex with, his right and left hand dont count...

anyway i know how u feel man, same situation...

[Udokafan05]

try online dating

[mrsmaalox]

I'm a little late to this dance, but looks like all the good advice has been given. I don't think being scared of women is your main problem----you seem to have a few issues occurring that you have lumped under the single heading "Fear of Women", that include "fear of rejection", "fear of intimacy" and some others. And they should probably all be addressed as separate issues, although progress in one will improve the others. By far the simplest initial measure that I think you can take is to remove this "timeline" pressure you are putting yourself under. There is no point to it at all; people find their "one" at any age. There are no time limits; it's better to find your soulmate at 40, than to settle for the first one to meet your requirements at 28. Believe it or not, there are some attractive 40 year olds in the world

[anti_troll]

No you're not late! I don't really have a fear of intimacy, just a fear of rejection. The time thing that I mentioned earlier is more about experiencing crippling feelings of lonliness than it is about a biological clock or something. I just need someone, I've been without for too long and I have an internal need for affection. I need to be loved.