eh, it's Friday, might as well post a joke...

[CosmicCowboy]

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
" o, President Obama " a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at the Joes Crab Shack, Houston Texas , I am callin' to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news !
How big is your army ?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold , my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"
Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. " President Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harolds's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the pit, and four
boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"
Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Oh Lord," said Archie, "l'll have ta call you back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama ! I am
sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners.."

TEXAS CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN

[CosmicCowboy]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her look young and beautiful again. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 Gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'

The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'

The blonde said, 'No, just up to my s. I can splash it on my face.'

[CosmicCowboy]

A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a fire fighters helmet.The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a
nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The fire fighter looked a little closer...
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[CosmicCowboy]

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas .
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which
was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the
preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd
rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than
let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said,

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[dimsah]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her look young and beautiful again. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 Gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'

The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'

The blonde said, 'No, just up to my s. I can splash it on my face.'

I just about spit my coffee out after this one.

[Summers]

Good ones!

[bus driver]

when you see a person wearing a texas a&m shirt you know they went to a&m
when you see a person wearing a texas longhorn shirt you know they went to wal mart

[Cry Havoc]

[CosmicCowboy]

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's
most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit
in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even
though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny
to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community
through the United Way ?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show
you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical
bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . No, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran,
is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and
six children?'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in
dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children,
one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring
an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I
had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So . . . If I didn't give any money to them, what makes
you think I'd give any to you?

[JoeChalupa]

Norm McDonald is one of my favorites.

[CosmicCowboy]

A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding....

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet that damn liar told you I was speeding, too....

[CavsSuperFan]

2 Progressive Congresswomen from California were lounging by the Pool on tax payer’s dime when suddenly a Bird flying overhead drops a load of doo doo right onto the forehead of one of them... The other Progressive Congresswomen sees it & says, “Oh my word…let me run in the house & get some toilet paper.” The other Progressive Congresswomen replies, “Oh, forget it…that bird is probably a mile away by now...”

[CosmicCowboy]

Bacon Tree .................






Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying

breath,
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?"
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees

Ees


Ees a ham bush....."

[Summers]

Okay, I lol'd but that was bad.

[RandomGuy]

How many quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, actually, but it takes two DISTINCT steps. First, she must look in the general direction of the bulb (to collapse the wave function-you can't very well change a bulb scattered all over the room, now can you?!) and then replace it before she blinks.

[Summers]

How many quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, actually, but it takes two DISTINCT steps. First, she must look in the general direction of the bulb (to collapse the wave function-you can't very well change a bulb scattered all over the room, now can you?!) and then replace it before she blinks.

Your nerdiness turns me on.