College App Essay

[CubanMustGo]

I don't remember my SAT score, but my ACT was 29 and I'm fairly sure that's at least in the middle 50% of the U of I.

And now you see the difference between the ability to test well and to write well. I could always outscore my classmates on SAT/ACTs because I simply knew how to do well on multiple choice tests (to the point of being the only National Merit Scholar in a 600-member class), but my writing skills were (are) not on the same level. College admissions are much more difficult these days - test scores are only a starting point, not the end-all, be-all they were decades ago. Your essay is your chance to say "hey, look at me, not these other bozos with similar scores."

You're getting some good advice, even if some of it seems harsh. As cornbread says, work the essay with your English teacher and/or (if you're lucky enough to have one) school counselor. The page ploto linked says:

We want to read about you, what interests you and why. After the essays are completed, ask a teacher, counselor, or parent to proofread and provide feedback. Remember, they should not write for you, but help catch misspellings and give suggestions.

So, to address another part of your original question, you're not writing about why you want to go to IU - you're writing about the things that excite you and what you want to do in life. If you know that IU has a great program in your field of study, you can work that in, but as a part of a greater whole.

That's my $0.02. Good luck!

[FuzzyLumpkins]

Everyone here is slamming you for your grammar but that is not really what I find important. Your content is lacking. You obviously have no direction.

It may be important what major you select but really does that matter? What do you think they want to hear?

A better strategy would be to give them reasons why you would excel in their college environment. Tell them how you are driven, what you have done to prepare, how you plan to approach learning and the like.

You want them to think that you are going to attend class and be successful. Telling them how you are waffling on a major is not compelling at all.

[ploto]

I wouldn't write a 1000-word essay if they are asking for two essays of NO MORE than 300 words each. They'll discard your 1000-word essay without reading it for not being able to follow directions.

I think more and more colleges are asking for short essays. My son just submitted his for his first choice, and it stated 200-250 words. That is a short essay, but he made sure to stick within the guidelines. I would suggest one major theme and providing reasons, experiences, and ideas related to it, instead of trying to cover too much.

[DMX7]

No offense, but I doubt you scored a 29 on your ACT based on that writing sample.

My constructive criticism is that you need to make this more original and less cliche'. Get your teacher to edit it too. There are a lot of mistakes there.

[MannyIsGod]

Within 300 words I just don't think you're going to have a huge impact. It doesn't really give you enough time to stand out. Your goal should be simply not to screw up. I honestly think a 300 word essay has the potential to get you eliminated but not to get you in.

[bus driver]

write whatever the you want and at the end tell them this:

tell them u pay cash!!!

you will might get a building named after you as well.

[cornbread]

Your content is lacking. You obviously have no direction.

Yes! This is Step 1. Think through your ideas. Talk through your ideas with somebody like a teacher who understands persuasive writing. Then outline. Then start writing.

If you start writing without direction or without a plan, it will be obvious in your paper.

[ashbeeigh]

Within 300 words I just don't think you're going to have a huge impact. It doesn't really give you enough time to stand out. Your goal should be simply not to screw up. I honestly think a 300 word essay has the potential to get you eliminated but not to get you in.

300 words won't get a lot of detail, but if he can get the point across if he picks the right theme and right points to detail. Have a stellar introduction, write 2-3 short paragraphs about the main point (why you want to go to the school) and then close the paper with a great conclusion. Short essays are all about great editing. At least that's how I see it.

[DeadlyDynasty]

Paypal me a c-note and consider it done.

[coyotes_geek]

And now you see the difference between the ability to test well and to write well. I could always outscore my classmates on SAT/ACTs because I simply knew how to do well on multiple choice tests (to the point of being the only National Merit Scholar in a 600-member class), but my writing skills were (are) not on the same level. College admissions are much more difficult these days - test scores are only a starting point, not the end-all, be-all they were decades ago. Your essay is your chance to say "hey, look at me, not these other bozos with similar scores."

This is definitely a problem trend that I'm seeing in my line of work (engineering). Companies have no trouble at all finding college graduates with high GPA's, but ones who can actually write technically and communicate are incredibly rare. We once had an intern, who was an honor student, who just couldn't comprehend why we kept getting upset when he used texting acronyms in technical reports.

[MannyIsGod]

This is definitely a problem trend that I'm seeing in my line of work (engineering). Companies have no trouble at all finding college graduates with high GPA's, but ones who can actually write technically and communicate are incredibly rare. We once had an intern, who was an honor student, who just couldn't comprehend why we kept getting upset when he used texting acronyms in technical reports.

You have to be ing kidding me. When I was contemplating transferring to A&M and following their degree plan I had to take a technical writing course. I can't believe this isn't a requirement for all engineering students (I wasn't an engineering student but the fields have the same obvious need for people to communicate quickly and efficiently)

"LOL The length of the retaining wall must be 32 feet OMG"

Jesus. We're a country of ing idiots. If the engineers can't even be counted on to be intelligent I have no faith.

[Summers]

Okay, I'm editing this to what I hope will be a more constructive response.

This isn't "hate", but why do you want to be an English major? You should have a passion for the written word to be an English major because you will spend a crapload of time reading and writing. Do you think it will be an easy way to get a high GPA so that you can get into law school or something else? Anyway, you don't have to declare a major yet. Just see what you like and go with it.

[Gutter92]

I updated it a little, took the advice of some of the posters here


Throughout my life, I have made a lot of choices. A lot of these choices were difficult to make, though some were not so difficult. I have spent a lot of time worrying about which University would be the right place for me to spend my college career at, and I have come to the conclusion, that though a lot of colleges may seem like the right place to be, the University of Illinois is the one for me. One experience that I can relate to this, decision is when, in my younger years, I had a choice to make. I was five years old, living in Munich Germany. Me, my brother, and our friend were doing what children our age did: have fun. One day, we tore the pieces of roofing off of a small hut between our two apartment buildings. I was faced with a moral dilemma: do I confess or do we take this secret with us to the grave? I ended up confessing, and my parents had to pay 500 marks, along with our friend's parents, to pay for repairing. This choice, although a difficult one to make at the time, has made me a better person, and I hope that choosing the University of Illinois over other Universities, I will end up looking back at as a good decision and one that made me a better person.

[Bartleby]

Just copy the best parts from this one and call it a day:

ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous do entaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby , and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving compe ions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

[Bartleby]

On a more serious note, writing about living in Germany is a good idea that has lots of potential, but the anecdote about when you were five isn't doing it for me.

[Gutter92]

Thats plajarism and they will not accept me if I do that lol.

[4>0rings]

^^^ but I also suggest following the writing of Brian:

Dear Mr. Vernon,

We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you’re crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us…In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is

a brain…

an athlete…

a basket case…

a princess…

and a criminal…

Does that answer your question?

Sincerely yours,
The Breakfast Club.

[Sisk]

Trolling.

8.5/10

[Jose Canseco]

Assuming this is not a troll thread...

What most have said about writing 1000 words should be common sense. You don't want to stand out by not being able to follow the guidelines. You want to stand out by the content and substance and quality of your writing.

Personally, I believe as long as it's not either horrible or outstanding, it matters very little. The ones that stand out as outstanding will catch their eye and perhaps get consideration for some type of honors English program or class. The ones that stand out as horrible will probably be a strike against that applicant and possible be a reason for them to get rejected. If you're anywhere in the middle say 70-80% in terms of quality of essays, I don't think it's a big deal to them. You got to imagine the people who go through these essays probably read thousands of these essays.

Just make sure, as some have already pointed out, that the spelling and grammar are fairly clean. I don't think it's a deal-breaker, but it certainly doesn't help if there are a lot of typos. If you're telling any kind of anecdotal story of your life, choose the most interesting story you have, something that would sound compelling to a reader. For example, if you have a near-death experience, it speaks on your adversity. If you accomplished something impressive at a young age, it shows your potential to do great things. Find something unique about yourself to write about. Whether it's something like you have a twin sibling or you can speak another language fluently or your parents were born in a different country other than the USA, bring something up that makes you unique. That's how you stand out.

If you don't have anything that unique or interesting about you, it's ok. Not a lot of 17-19 year old kids necessarily do. But you should find a way to make what you write sound interesting. Find a really cool quote and find a way to incorporate it in the essay (Martin Luther King, Jr. has boatloads of great quotes). Write about how something has influenced your life, even things like facebook or twitter or the shows The Wire or the Sopranos. Just make it interesting. And if you can find a way to put an ironic twist at the end of the essays, as long as it's not really a stretch to do it, that will often make a written piece more memorable especially if it's clever. But don't do it just to do it. It has to make sense.

Make sure you have a couple people proof the essays before you send them in.

[LoneStarState'sPride]

This has GOT to be a troll thread. Well done, OP.

[Gutter92]

I will work on the essay tonight and in the morning. My brother told me to be more consize with my writing and try not to ramble on too much about choices, basically what you guys said.

[The Reckoning]

dont go to college. i need someone to pick up my garbage in the morning. you fit the job description nicely.

thanks in advance.

[LoneStarState'sPride]

I updated it a little, took the advice of some of the posters here


Throughout my life, I have made a lot of choices. A lot of these choices were difficult to make, though some were not so difficult. I have spent a lot of time worrying about which University would be the right place for me to spend my college career at, and I have come to the conclusion, that though a lot of colleges may seem like the right place to be, the University of Illinois is the one for me. One experience that I can relate to this, decision is when, in my younger years, I had a choice to make. I was five years old, living in Munich Germany. Me, my brother, and our friend were doing what children our age did: have fun. One day, we tore the pieces of roofing off of a small hut between our two apartment buildings. I was faced with a moral dilemma: do I confess or do we take this secret with us to the grave? I ended up confessing, and my parents had to pay 500 marks, along with our friend's parents, to pay for repairing. This choice, although a difficult one to make at the time, has made me a better person, and I hope that choosing the University of Illinois over other Universities, I will end up looking back at as a good decision and one that made me a better person.

Good God, allow me to clean this up.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Throughout my life, I have made a numerous choices. Many of these choices were difficult to make [removed "though some were not so difficult"--irrelevant]. I have spent a lot of time worrying about which university would be the right place for me to spend my college career [removed "at"--don't end sentences with prepositions], and I have come to the conclusion [removed comma] that though a lot of colleges may seem like the right place to be, the University of Illinois is my undisputed number one choice [removed "the one for me"--be forceful! Let them know you want to be there!].

This decision reminds me of a seminal experience I had as a child. [removed "I can relate to this, decision is when, in my younger years, I had a choice to make"--this sentence was so chock full of grammar and punctuation faux pas that it was irreparable]. I was five years old, living in Munich Germany. Me, my brother, and our friend were doing what children our age did: have fun. One day, we tore the pieces of roofing off of a small hut between our two apartment buildings. I was faced with a moral dilemma: do I confess or do we take this secret with us to the grave? I ended up confessing, and my parents had to pay 500 marks, along with our friend's parents, to pay for repairing. This choice, although a difficult one to make at the time, helped make me a better person, and I hope that choosing the University of Illinois over other Universities, I will end up looking back at as a good decision and one that made me a better person.
----------------------------------------------------------

That's the best hack editing I can do on short notice. This stuff really needs to get cleaned up.

[Jose Canseco]

If you replace "a lot of" with "numerous," take out the "a" in front of "numerous" as well...

I didn't read past that first sentence of your "cleaning it up" once I read that "correction."

[Gutter92]

I have to hand this in tomorrow in 6th period, our teacher is giving them to our counselor and they're sending it to the University. I have to hand something in, considering its like 1/7th of our grade, or something like that. Appreciate the help!