New GOP Strategy Involves Reelecting Obama, Making His Life Even More Miserable
AUGUST 10, 2011 | ISSUE 47•32
GOP leaders say "messing with the president's head" must be their one and only priority in 2012 and beyond.
WASHINGTON—Calling a GOP victory in the 2012 presidential election an hetical to the party platform, top Republicans revealed a new long-term political strategy Tuesday: reelecting Barack Obama and making his life even more of a living than it already is.
"For three years, the Republican Party has coalesced around the single goal of making President Obama's every waking moment sheer and utter torture," Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell told reporters. "But we can't continue to do that if he's not in office."
"If we are going to make the president a haggard s of a human being by the time he leaves the White House, we need four more years of never compromising, four more years of miring every piece of legislation in unnecessary procedural muck, four more years of pretending we want to work with the president and then walking away from the table at the last second," McConnell added. "Four more years! Four more years! Obama 2012!"
According to GOP sources, the decision to cede the 2012 election to Obama came after rank-and-file Republicans agreed that grinding the president down to nothing and pushing him to the brink of insanity was far more in line with the Republican Party's core principles than actually controlling the White House, making laws, or governing the country.
Republican officials said that because they won't be burdened with a time-consuming presidential campaign, they can start looking beyond the 2012 general election and begin developing a four-pronged attack designed to ruin the president emotionally, physically, personally, and professionally.
Moreover, giving the president a second term in office would reportedly allow GOP lawmakers to build on the mental distress they've already caused him.
"If you look at what we've accomplished as a party in the last four years—making President Obama lose his temper on multiple occasions and even causing him to storm out of a meeting in frustration—it doesn't make sense for us to throw all that away, not when we could do so much more," House Majority Leader Eric Cantor said. "If by being impossible to work with we are able to make the president physically shake with frustration during every single meeting, give him the nervous tick of mumbling angrily under his breath, tarnish his entire legacy, and in the process completely destroy his faith in humanity, then we've succeeded as lawmakers."
"If you thought this debt ceiling thing was bad, wait till you see how unbearable we are when it comes time for the Bush tax cuts to expire," Cantor added. "We are going to pummel this man over and over and over until he regrets ever getting into politics."
In order to make the president's next four years the worst of his life, GOP legislators are reportedly working on a new "Destroy Every Fiber of Barack Obama's Being" initiative, a plan that includes benchmarks such as making Obama look 10 years older than he is just six months into his second term; ruining his marriage before the 2014 midterm elections; and, by the time he leaves office, making him break down in front of the entire nation and say the words "I give up. Just please stop."
"If Barack Obama doesn't go to bed fuming with deep primal rage every single night, then we haven't done our job," said House Speaker John Boehner, who later called the residual effect of getting to watch Obama's supporters become more and more disillusioned with their country as their president's posture deteriorates, his face becomes exceedingly gaunt, and his once booming voice turn shaky and unconfident "definitely a plus." "Mark my words: The Republican Party is committed to giving the American people a president who has a chronically bleeding gastric ulcer that makes it almost impossible for him to stand up."
"To be honest, I'm glad we're pulling out of this election, because I really don't know what we would focus on if we won," Boehner added. "Health care?"
While a major party forgoing a presidential campaign is considered unorthodox, Beltway insiders were not surprised by the Republican announcement, saying the GOP was simply playing to its strength.
"Making Barack Obama's life a waking nightmare is what we do best," Republican strategist Todd Harris said. "It's also just smart politics. After all, getting the man reelected and watching him whither away to nothing before our very eyes will fire up the base more than any of the current Republican presidential candidates will."
http://www.theonion.com/articles/new...-making,21113/
Barry is his own worst enemy.
"normally", trying to a responsible adult and compromise with the other side so some progress towards solutions (that progress is really nasty word, isn't it, right wingers?) would win some credit for that approach.
But Barry's similar approach doesn't work when the other is ing crazy, obstructionist, insanely, destructively contrarian (reject $4T in cuts just because it came from Barry?), and refuses even to grant any legitimacy to the other side.
Now Barry looks like a weak fool for being reasonable, because smash-mouth push back and power plays are the only real options and he refuses them.
Barry needs to go Angry-Crazy- -with-a-Uzi on these Repug bas s.
Last edited by boutons_deux; 08-10-2011 at 04:53 PM.
Awesome.
Reminds me of this Onion gem from a few months ago.
*****************
Embarrassed Republicans Admit They've Been Thinking Of Eisenhower Whole Time They've Been Praising Reagan
WASHINGTON—At a press conference Monday, visibly embarrassed leaders of the Republican National Committee acknowledged that their nonstop, effusive praise of Ronald Reagan has been wholly unintentional, admitting they somehow managed to confuse him with Dwight D. Eisenhower for years.
The GOP's humiliating blunder was discovered last weekend by RNC chairman Reince Priebus, who realized his party had been extolling "completely the wrong guy" after he watched the History Channel special Eisenhower: An American Portrait.
"When I heard about Eisenhower's presidential accomplishments—holding down the national debt, keeping inflation in check, and fighting for balanced budgets—it hit me that we'd clearly gotten their names mixed up at some point," Priebus told reporters. "I couldn't believe we'd been associating terms like 'visionary,' 'principled,' and 'bold' with President Reagan. That wasn't him at all—that was Ike."
"We deeply regret misattributing such a distinguished and patriotic legacy to Mr. Reagan," Priebus added. "We really screwed up."
Following his discovery, Priebus directed RNC staffers to inform top Republicans of the error and explain that it was Eisenhower, not Reagan, who carefully managed the nation's prosperity, warned citizens of the military-industrial complex's growing influence, and led the country with a mix of firm resolve and humble compassion.
"Wait, you're telling me Reagan advocated that trickle-down nonsense that was debunked years ago? That was Reagan?" Sen. John Thune (R-SD) said upon hearing of the mistake. "I can't believe I've been calling for a return to Reagan's America. I feel like an asshole."
According to sources, millions of younger Republicans have spent most of their lives viewing Reagan a stalwart of conservative principles, and many were "horrified" to learn that the former president illegally sold weapons to Iran, declared amnesty for 2.9 million illegal immigrants, costarred in a movie with a chimpanzee, funneled aid to Islamic militants in Afghanistan, and suffered from severe mental problems.
In the wake of the GOP's revelation, Congress has passed bills to rename Reagan National Airport and the USS Ronald Reagan aircraft carrier in honor of Eisenhower. A number of potential 2012 Republican presidential contenders have also rushed to reframe their agendas in terms of "Eisenhower ideals" while distancing themselves from Reagan.
"It's absolutely mortifying to suddenly realize that the man you had long credited as a champion of fiscal conservatism actually tripled the national debt and signed the largest peacetime tax hike in U.S. history," said former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, adding that he was ashamed to learn that the man he once called his hero stood by silently while the AIDS epidemic exploded. "Frankly, I can't even believe that er had the balls to call himself a conservative."
"But we must move beyond this mess and look ahead toward our country's future, a future much like the one envisioned by the great Ronald Reagan," Gingrich added. "Oh, sorry—force of habit."
The misplaced adulation of Reagan has reportedly affected more than just Republican rhetoric, and seems to have had an impact on policy. Former president George W. Bush told reporters he "honestly thought" everyone wanted him to follow in Reagan's footsteps, which led him to emulate the 40th president's out-of-control deficit spending, fealty to the super-rich, and illegal wars.
While the GOP's error has gone largely unnoticed by the American public, a number of citizens admitted to having been puzzled by Republicans' slavish celebration of Reagan during recent years.
"I never understood why everyone elevated him to the level of a party icon," said 89-year-old Nancy Reagan. "Ronnie was certainly sweet and I loved him very much, but let's face it, he was a terrible president."
http://www.theonion.com/articles/emb...hinking,19248/
@ the Reagan-Eisenhower article
Pretty much dead-on.
A Satire: Serving the Nation, Republican-Style
House Majority Leader Eric Cantor today introduced “The Household Job Creators Act of 2011,” which will provide employers with a 50 to 75 percent tax credit for wages paid to American-born household servants. “I am excited to introduce this bill, which will create a giant new employment sector in America by offering tax credits to employers who hire native-born Americans to serve as household servants, including butlers, valets, footmen, governesses, nursemaids, gamekeepers, chauffeurs, pool boys, ball boys, golf caddies, gardeners, cooks, yacht crew members, and scullery and upstairs maids,” he said.
Cantor stressed that his bill would establish once and for all that tax breaks for the wealthy create jobs in America. “This bill disproves the absurd Democratic claim, echoed by the lamestream liberal media, that tax breaks for the successful will not create jobs in the U.S. since businesses are already sitting on a $2 trillion surplus, or that they will invest in cheap labor abroad,” he said. Cantor then added with the boyish grin, puckish humor and deep respect for the rich that have so endeared him to the contributors to whom he owes his career, “America’s most productive and successful people can hardly ask a Chinese worker to fly over and wipe off their baby’s tush, can they? This is a job for American workers!”
http://www.truthdig.com/report/item/...tyle_20110808/
Way to turn a hilarious thread lame.A Satire: Serving the Nation, Republican-Style
House Majority Leader Eric Cantor today introduced “The Household Job Creators Act of 2011,” which will provide employers with a 50 to 75 percent tax credit for wages paid to American-born household servants. “I am excited to introduce this bill, which will create a giant new employment sector in America by offering tax credits to employers who hire native-born Americans to serve as household servants, including butlers, valets, footmen, governesses, nursemaids, gamekeepers, chauffeurs, pool boys, ball boys, golf caddies, gardeners, cooks, yacht crew members, and scullery and upstairs maids,” he said.
Cantor stressed that his bill would establish once and for all that tax breaks for the wealthy create jobs in America. “This bill disproves the absurd Democratic claim, echoed by the lamestream liberal media, that tax breaks for the successful will not create jobs in the U.S. since businesses are already sitting on a $2 trillion surplus, or that they will invest in cheap labor abroad,” he said. Cantor then added with the boyish grin, puckish humor and deep respect for the rich that have so endeared him to the contributors to whom he owes his career, “America’s most productive and successful people can hardly ask a Chinese worker to fly over and wipe off their baby’s tush, can they? This is a job for American workers!”
http://www.truthdig.com/report/item/...tyle_20110808/
Obama Turns 50 Despite Republican Opposition
WASHINGTON—After months of heated negotiations and failed attempts to achieve any kind of consensus, President Obama turned 50 years old Thursday, drawing strong criticism from Republicans in Congress. "With the host of problems this country is currently facing, the fact that our president is devoting time to the human process of aging is an affront to Americans everywhere," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who advocated a provision to keep Obama 49 at least through the fall of 2013. "To move forward unilaterally and simply begin the next year of his life without bipartisan support—is that any way to lead a country?" According to White House officials, Obama attempted to work with Republicans right up until the Aug. 4 deadline, but was ultimately left with no choice except to turn a year older.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/oba...osition,21061/
Regan/Eisenhower article DELIVERS!
There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
