I like this man Bonner and what he brings to our mighty franchise. The rain-making threes tracing their arc across the heavens. The pointy elbows placed with precision in the sinewy ribs of our foes. The klutzy knock-kneed run upcourt after a proud Spurs defensive stop. Yes, all these things draw us around our televisions in gladful awe as we behold this unlikely specimen participating in sport designed for the most graceful of men.
But, my fellow fans, don't you think there is something amiss in his costuming? Our hero Matthew--all red-haired, be-freckeled, and barrel-chested--is ill-suited in a traditional basketball outfit. In perfect honesty, he looks like an upside-down pear prancing on toothpicks; his scrawny lower legs kicking out sideways as he makes his heroic runs from end to end, wearing a noticeable groove in the hardwood between the three-point arcs.
Perhaps the solution to this dilemma is a simple one: Rather than the traditional baggy shorts, Red Rocket would appear far more graceful, manly, and intimidating in a pair of fitted capri trousers. Capris would conceal his underdeveloped quadriceps whilst allowing his lower legs the freedom of their awkward sideways parabolic path. Imagine Bonner, bejeaned in silver and black capris, squaring up for a crucial wing three-pointer while the Spurs Nation looks on in pride. So inspiring, in a virile sort of way.