My in laws are going to Cancun next month and want to take my 12 year old daughter with them. We've been to Cancun pretty much every summer but not going this year because my wife just had a baby. I feel bad about depriving my daughter a chance to go and had given her the green light because I know my in laws will watch her almost as good as we would. Problem is, my daughter told my wife and I last night that she wasn't sure because she hasn't been away from us for that long and is afraid she would get homesick and not have a good time. At that point I told our daughter to not go then because if she feels like that there isn't anything I could do about it and she made peace with it and went to her room. After relaying this back to my mother in law, she proceeds to call my daughter and I guess try to convince her with the help of my wife and then my daughter gets upset and starts crying because she feels she is going to hurt her grandmother's feelings by not going, but is also nervous at the same time to be away from us for so long, so far away. I told my wife that was wrong of her mom to do that to our daughter and it led to a big ass argument.
Would you feel comfortable letting your child go after all that? I'm lucky that I have great in laws and I love them very much, but I think this time, they overstepped their boundries.
You need to respect your daughter's initial feelings on it. Your mother in law needs to let your daughter know that it's OK if she doesn't go. You're right that she overstepped the boundary. From your side, you need to assure your daughter that there will be plenty of other times to go and that it's no big deal to miss this one.
Thank you! My thoughts exactly.
When she first told me she would be nervous without us there, I had already made up my mind that she wouldn't go.
Yeah, I think she over stepped that boundary but I can't say if that was her true intention. She wants her granddaughter to go but she doesn't want to. Sounds like both of them won't enjoy the vacation either way.
I forgot to mention that as well. My mother in law doesn't even want to go, its my father in law that wants to get away. My mother in law wants my daughter to go so she can have something to look forward to. I told my wife they should just cancel the trip altogether at this point.
i think that is ed up that your mother in law would do that. she should wants best for the kid and not force her to go anywhere.
imo
Exactly. She made her decision based on reasonable feelings for a 12 year old. If you wanted, you could have spent a few minutes reassuring her that everything would be fine and not to worry, then let her think about it. But I doubt that's what your mother in law did. In any event, she should have left it to be decided between the parents and daughter.Thank you! My thoughts exactly.
When she first told me she would be nervous without us there, I had already made up my mind that she wouldn't go.
the only way to prevent this and any future problems is to kill the in-laws.
Sounds like the best thing at this point. She screwed that up. Intentionally or not.
It's all about your daugther and what she wants nobody else matters.
Weird story. When I was 12 I know I would have been GONE.
But maybe girls are different...
or maybe not...was just thinking that if for some reason they passed away and there weren't any more chances to go, it might weigh heavily on your daughter
If you end up following clambake's advice, it should happen while they are on the trip so it'll further enforce that she made the right decision.
It depends on if your mother in law called your daughter to reassure her that it would be fun and that everything would be okay or if she called her to berate her for backing out on the vacation and acting like a baby. I just think it's funny that parents are so quick to call grandparents out for "overstepping boundaries" when they try to advise, but not when they are lavishing hundreds of dollars on their kid
My kids have vacationed with grandparents many times and there have been at times varying degrees of this kind of drama. Basically, the kid wants YOU to decide for them what they should do. Kid can stay home and will complain of having "nothing to do" (fine) or kid can go kicking and screaming, but will be fine when she gets back, no permanent damage has ever been done to a 12 year old being away from parents (and with caring grandparents) for a week. 12 year old girls are just confused about EVERYTHING
PS: And now, the big fallout of having this parent vs parent, parent vs grandparent crap going on, protecting your daughter's delicate little feelings is hopeless-----she's gonna feel like no matter what!
She texted me about 10 minutes ago that she isn't going because she doesn't feel up to it. So all of that is settled! BUt all of this could have been avoided last night if they just all listened to me the first time.
Sure, but you really need to let them (the kid) make this decision themselves. In this case, her initial reaction was that she was nervous. If the parents thought it was unfounded, they could have spent some time trying to reassure her in regards to her doubts but let her know it's ultimately her choice. So the girl is making a decision weighing the two sides of her concern.Basically, the kid wants YOU to decide for them what they should do. Kid can stay home and will complain of having "nothing to do" (fine) or kid can go kicking and screaming, but will be fine when she gets back, no permanent damage has ever been done to a 12 year old being away from parents (and with caring grandparents) for a week. 12 year old girls are just confused about EVERYTHING
But the grandmother calls and (presumably) introduces guilt into the mix. So now she's trying to weigh the pros and cons of two separate conflicting issues. One of which should never have been part of the decision.
So you're right, you end up with the girl wanting someone to make the decision for her after she had already made her own decision.
Do you really want your kids to learn to accept being guilted into something they didn't want to do?
She texted me about 10 minutes ago that she isn't going because she doesn't feel up to it. So all of that is settled! BUt all of this could have been avoided last night if they just all listened to me the first time.
I wonder if she's been reading Spurstalk.
God, I hope not!
I wonder if she's been reading Spurstalk.
She'd probably stumble across one of your "I'm porking your mom" posts and ask me what that means.
God, I hope not!
She'd probably stumble across one of your "I'm porking your mom" posts and ask me what that means.
if that's the case, then I'm sorry.
But you might also review your internet access policies at home.
wait...what color hair does she have?
And you were doing so well.
I get your point completely about the guilt thing-----BUT we are talking about a vacation not being "guilted" in pros ution. Parents really need to keep a perspective on what is at stake. Sometimes fostering (or forcing lol) an adventurous spirit, in a protective environment, is more beneficial to a kid than letting them hide under your wing. I just don't think an all expense paid trip to Cancun with 100% attention from Grammy and Gramps is gonna cause permanent or even long term harm. No different at all than when we leave them crying on the first day of kindergarden. *shrugs*
You have a comfy couch?She texted me about 10 minutes ago that she isn't going because she doesn't feel up to it. So all of that is settled! BUt all of this could have been avoided last night if they just all listened to me the first time.
I can see it from your perspective as well. I think the thought of her not having fun because she misses us would make me feel helpless. I think I just baby my kids too much.
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