That's Right, Yep, It's the "Why Your Team Sucks: 2013 Edition" Thread

[symple19]

This way i'm not spamming the board with these threads

Today, a nod to J.T. and Dirk4mvp

Your team: Indianapolis Colts
Your 2012 record: 11-5. This is the part where NERDY METRIC NERDS like me tell you that the Colts actually had a net point differential of minus-30 last season—a mediocre team that got some good bounces, in other words. It's just like the old saying goes: You are what your record says you are, unless you have a terrible net point differential, in which case you are what your net point differential says you really ought to be.

Your coach: Chuck Pagano, who will actually have to get out there and COACH this year. No more free rides for you, mister! You can't just go coasting along on #CHUCKSTRENGTH this time around. You get one uplifting cancer season and that's it. America won't tolerate a rerun. It's altogether possible that Chuck Pagano is a terrible head coach and you won't know it for certain until this season. And man, that'll be an awkward moment.

Why your team sucks: No team is a more obvious choice to regress to the mean this season than the Colts, who overachieved in Luck's first year and still have the same problems they had a year ago: bad defense, a ty line, a habit of turning the ball over, etc. You awful, galumphing Indy fans deserve nothing more than to watch your beloved-only-when-winning home team come crashing down to Earth. It's not quite right to say that Indiana is nothing more than Ohio's gunt; it's also Chicago's outhouse. It's a place where the Midwest's choicest townies and Klansmen gather to make babies out of wedlock, give handjobs to exhausted truckers, and root for white basketball players. Indiana is a tire fire that never goes out.
And the worst part is that Colts fans think they're CLASSY. These are the kind of people who will hold a rehearsal dinner at a T.G.I. Friday's. Thanks to Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning and Bill Polian, this is a fanbase that believes it roots for a team that has more character than your team. Look at this breathtaking load of :

“We were not in the Hernandez business,” Polian said.

Oh, of course you weren't, Bill! You had far too much character to draft such a shady fellow to play for your franchise. This is the guy who drafted RAE ING CARRUTHfor Carolina back in 1997. What a sleaze. I bet Marvin Harrison has killed more people than Aaron Hernandez has.

This is what happens when a fanbase stumbles ass-backwards into a decade-plus of high-quality quarterbacking. They begin to believe they DESERVED such good fortune, that Andrew Luck and Peyton Manning were karmic gifts bestowed upon them because they're such proud, humble, PURE Midwestern folk HOOSIERS HOOSIERS HOOSIERS JIMMY CHITWOOD SMALL TOWNS JOHN MELLENCAMP. Bull . The Colts were kidnaped from another city and then molded in the fat, arrogant image of their new, drunk captor. They're an episode of Sister Wives. They creep me out.


The six worst Colts ever:
1. Robert Irsay. "You love the Colts? Why don't you treat me right?"
2. Anthony Gonzalez. OH BUT HE'S MY SLEEPER PICK THIS YEAR (watches Anthony break six ankles in Week 1).
3. Ron Meyer
4. AR-15
5. Steve Emtman
6. Jeff George. Whitlock says he could still be a good backup!

[symple19]

Colin:

1. They tanked the 2011 season on purpose. No backup plan for a potential Manning injury? Oh I know, let's pretend Curtis Painter is a serviceable professional quarterback and give him the ball every Sund... OH HI KERRY COLLINS! HERE'S A HANDLE OF WHISKEY AND THE COLTS OFFENSE!
2. Fetushead was a raging asshole; video of his many run-ins with longtime center Jeff Saturday is proof. He couldn't possibly bear to give up even the smallest amount of control he lorded over the team, GM, or fans as possible. Those videos are not "great examples of a solid compe or," they're the sign of a spoiled rotten kid who couldn't take no for an answer. I was glad to watch him choke (again) in the playoffs; now Broncos fans know the feeling of watching year after year of incredible teams fall far short of a championship.
3. Our fans have to be the dumbest on the planet. Half of them renounced the organization when Manning was released and immediately purchased Broncos jerseys. Ask any of them a question about football and 93% of the time the response will be PASS IT PEYTON! PASS IT!
4. They succeeded in making Bruce Arians look like head coach material and now he's going to fail in Arizona. I'm actually OK with this; with Arians out as the OC, Luck's career longevity jumped by 25%.

[J.T.]

tbh that last bit about Bruce Arians is on the money on several counts. I don't think Arians coaching had much to do with last year as Pagano's situation just giving everyone involved on that team a boost. Also think Arians scheme might even help Luck sneak up on people this year because I don't think he's as bad as that 54% completion percentage Avante keeps dogging him about. You're going to have a 54% completion percentage and a higher rate of getting intercepted when each drive includes multiple downfield and end zone bombs. He led the league in pass attempts of 10+ and 20+ yards.

I do think the Colts are in for some regression and did play over their heads last year, but I think it'll mostly be because of a tougher schedule and not because the team isn't good. The team improved its offensive line and I don't think you can say the defense is bad as a whole anymore because it has as many new players as our offense did last year. I still think this is the "growing pains" year everyone thought last year would be and we're still another draft away from contending. But if the wheels fall off in Houston, they might be able to steal the division.

[J.T.]

Also I think dirk4mvp pulled a Monteith or some , haven't seen him post in a while

[symple19]

Also I think dirk4mvp pulled a Monteith or some , haven't seen him post in a while

I just thought he'd been posting under a troll account

[symple19]

I'll definitely post the SF version of this series. Kinda looking forward to how he'll rape the Niners, lol

[Lincoln]

Has he done a Washington one yet. Inb4 IRG3's knee and read option getting solved

[benefactor]

These have been pretty high quality overall. Is this his first year to do them? Don't recall them in the past.

[symple19]

Has he done a Washington one yet. Inb4 IRG3's knee and read option getting solved

Not yet, I'll post them as they come up

[symple19]

These have been pretty high quality overall. Is this his first year to do them? Don't recall them in the past.

Reading the comments, some of the posters have alluded to past year(s), so yeah, I guess they have, although I've never seen it before.

It's pure win, imo

[benefactor]

Tampa Bay:

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...eers-974600962



Says it all, tbh.

[symple19]

They (Bucs) are the neglected pet that the Glazer family kicks out of the way so that they can dote on their beloved Manchester United.

[Blake]

These are fantastic, tbh.

[symple19]

Mike Alstott. Oh god, nothing would engorge Chris Berman like watching big dumb Mike Alstott bogart a touchdown from Warrick Dunn, thereby allowing Boomer to make bashing sound effects and scream out that stupid ing nickname. Mike Alstott.

[symple19]

And the coup de grace:

The only thing that makes the games bearable is the unbelievable MILF density inside RayJay Stadium and the prospect of feeding Mike Glennon giraffe food. Seriously, Google Mike Glennon's neck.

[benefactor]

The best thing about these are all the truth bombs. He's dead on about he Glazer's. It's bad to have an owner that is clueless, but at least that owner is trying to win and might get lucky with a player or a pick. The fans are stuck with an owner that just does not care what kind of team it fields in Tampa.

[symple19]

Carolina Panthers

Your quarterback: Cam Newton. And now, presenting the Many Downtrodden Faces Of Cam Newton. Here's Cam looking exasperated:

And here he is looking standoffish:

And here's his "How the should I know what's wrong?" face:

And here's his "I can't believe you asked me that" face:

So many faces, and just one GLORY BOY SWEATER.
I'm gonna tell you Cam Newton's destiny. From now until the end of his career, Cam Newton will be a fabulous standout on an otherwise horrible football team. Whatever Cam accomplishes for the Panthers will be accomplished in the face of 10 agonizing losses per season. He'll score a load of touchdowns, have some awesome runs, throw a handful of 80-yard bombs, and the Panthers will still inexplicably lose every game by 20 points. That's his destiny. Cue the exasperated face!


Your one fantasy player everyone will hate: DeAngelo Williams. I don't think there's another back in the universe who wastes more time in between spurts of LOOKING like a superstar than DeAngelo Williams. Once every five games, DeAngelo will bust out a monster 40-yard touchdown run that showcases every last bit of his potential. And then he'll get six carries over the next month. I don't get DeAngelo Williams at all.
Just put every Carolina back in here while you're at it, since Newton will vulture all their touchdowns and Rivera will rotate them by spinning a Twister wheel five times a game.


Why your team sucks: Be sure to re-read Ryan Kalil's newspaper ad from last preseason guaranteeing the Panthers would win the Super Bowl. It's even funnier now that you know what a complete disaster this team has become. Before he got the axe, former GM Marty Hurney stocked this team with three historically putrid drafts AND spent $68 million in guaranteed money on DeAngelo, Jonathan Stewart, and linebacker Jon Beason, who played a whopping four games last year before getting hurt. That means the Panthers had no money this offseason to improve their ty pass defense or find someone, ANYONE, for poor Cam to throw the ball to. It's gonna be yet another year of forcing the ball into triple coverage in the hopes that Steve Smith will punch enough people in the face to have room to catch it.
You can go ahead and ignore the fact that the Panthers won five of their last six games in 2012. Four of those wins came against losing teams, and their one loss came against the ing Chiefs. Any time a ty team ends the season with a few hollow victories, people are always like They could carry their momentum over into the next season! That NEVER happens. Ever. I assure you that the Panthers' little streak won't save them from getting thoroughly curb-stomped by the Seahawks in Week 1. And then it's another long season of playing "What's wrong with Cam?" WHEE!

This is precisely what owner Jerry Richardson deserves after squeezing taxpayers for an extra $87.5 million in renovations to a stadium that's less than 20 years old. Richardson was also the guy who pushed for locking out the players despite the fact that he pocketed over $112 million in profits the two years prior. Richardson is just another bag-of- owner—the kind of owner who es about money while simultaneously raking in obscene profits and spending his personnel money in a random, idiotic fashion, and then cloaks himself in a thick veil of magnanimity.

If hard work and humility could define a man, then that man would be Jerry Richardson.

you, Jerry. No wonder your team's fans would rather be watching college basketball.

[symple19]

George:

Can you believe this team has actually been around for 18 seasons?? I'm 32 and have been watching them since their inaugural season, but I still take a look over my shoulder and switch the channel to the Redskins if no one's looking.


Andrew:

I hope I'm not the only person that is sick of feeling like the pro football team in the state I grew up in is the 5th most popular team in the state next to:
1. Leftover racist Redskins fans from the days when they were Dixie's Team.
2. Leftover Cowboys fans who were only 'Boys fans because they were mostly black and appropriately hated the Redskins. They mostly still just look like Cowboys fans because they can't sell all their old bootleg Emmitt Smith jerseys at the bus station.
3. The ing YINZ ARN CITY BEER BIG BENZ DA MAN YINZ YINZ Pittsburgh diaspora, which fled the Midwestern Rust Belt Dumpster Fire for ty banking jobs in Charlotte. These are the sort of people who blame unions for making them leave their homes and then vote for chuckle s like Pat McCrory because they're hard workin Americans.
4. And The Buffalo Bills diaspora, and it doesn't speak well of the Panthers that they can't win over THOSE people.


Smokey:

We have a goddamn Na'vi as our 3rd string QB/ostrich.

[benefactor]

2. Kerry Collins. Let's be honest: He was a lot more fun when he was drunk, racist Kerry Collins and not journeyman sheep farmer Kerry Collins. I feel like Johnny Manziel could potentially replicate some of ol' Drunk Kerry's magic.

[Bill_Brasky]

Oh man.....that bit about Greg Schiano being a complete moron was great

[symple19]

Your 2012 record: 13-3. No one makes a 13-3 record look thoroughly underwhelming quite like the Falcons.
Your quarterback: Matt Ryan, who just pocketed $59 million in guaranteed money. Hoooooly . If I had $59 million in guaranteed money, I would spread it out in cash on my bedroom floor and then masturbate on it.

Your coach: Mike Smith, who is a good coach 95% of the time. He can assemble a very good staff. He can nurture a young passer like Matt Ryan and help turn him into a top-tier quarterback. He can concoct defensive schemes that help cover up glaring deficiencies in the secondary. He can bestow upon the Falcons an atmosphere of professionalism and levelheadedness that every NFL team aspires to but few actually achieve. He can do all that, and then PISS IT AWAY in one single, breathtaking moment of frantic idiocy. "Well, we were trying to execute an ill-advised squib kick when we executed an even more ill-advised onside kick instead!" When it matters most, Mike Smith suddenly morphs into Barry Switzer. It's astonishing. He must study game tape of Andy Reid or something.

Why your team sucks: Falling behind 17-0 against this team means you have them exactly where you want them. Between Smith's glaring clock management errors, the listless crowd at the Georgia Dome (some of whom STILL haven't gotten over Mike Vick being cut), and a horrific pass defense (which lost its best pass rusher and two best corners in the offseason!), this is a team custom-made for blowing big leads in important games.


And you know what? That's fine by me. Anything that keeps the Falcons away from the Super Bowl is a good thing. This is an exciting team with a excellent QB and a kickass receiving corps, and yet I'm completely and utterly repelled by them. They're like the Spurs if the Spurs played football and were relocated to a city with 10 times more traffic and 20 times more stupid people. Atlanta is a toxic mix of Southern bro culture, indifferent sports fans, sous-chefs with pork cut diagram tattoos, meth-addled rednecks, overworked Tyler Perry production assistants, and overrated, ty, minor league hip-hop. I know that sports talk radio is a cesspool of bad ideas, but I promise you that Atlanta sports talk radio somehow manages to bring the discourse even lower.
I have an inexplicable distaste for the Falcons, to the point that I'm happy to see any other team but them in important primetime and/or playoff games. Thankfully, the only big move they made this offseason was to bring in Osi Umenyiora to get hurt for 12 games. And now that Ryan has Joe Flacco money, the team will never be able to afford a decent supporting cast.

Not that this matters at all to Arthur Blank. Blank just got $200 million in public funds to tear down the Georgia Dome (only 21 years old and in perfectly good condition) to build a luxury stadium that looks like a pile of Magformers my kid dropped on the floor. Because Falcons fans just weren't QUIET enough before! Let's pacify them a little more with bigger TV screens and soundproof lounges! What the does Arthur Blank need $200 million to build a new stadium for? He owns Home Depot. How about you drive your ass down to one of your ty stores like the rest of us and wait nine years for a helper to cut lumber for you on the table saw, Arthur? You 1930s movie villain-looking mother er. I bet Blank spends his free time tying damsels to railroad tracks.


The six worst Falcons ever:
1. Bobby Petrino. This is a franchise with a long history of terrible coaching—Norm Van Brocklin, Dan Henning, Marion Campbell (they hired him twice!), June Jones, Norb (NORB!!) Hecker, Jim Hanifan, Little Jimmy Mora, etc. You have to work really hard to stand out as a terrible coach in that crowd. So I salute Ozark Evel Knievel for being a loser, a liar, and a complete bag. Such a rare triple threat.
2. Aundray Bruce
3. Michael Vick. I don't know if Vick really belongs on this list. But when you get yourself cut for dog genocide, it kind of forces my hand.
4. Bruce Pickens
5. Jammi German. Still the weirdest name ever. Sounds like a package of terrible candy.
6. Chris Miller. God, they tried so hard for so long to make Chris Miller happen. Imagine if Blaine Gabbert stayed with the Jaguars for five more years. That's Chris Miller's career. So much time wasted.
7. Matt Ryan looks like a chipmunk.

Corey:

I've been a lifelong Falcons fan and I feel I can give you multiple reasons why the Falcons suck:

1. The Falcons are at best the 6th most popular football team in the Atlanta area. The exact order is 1. UGA. 2. Local HS team 3. Auburn 4. Alabama 5. Ga. Southern 6. Falcons. The reason our slogan is "Rise up" is because everyone in Atlanta is too hung over from the previous two days of rooting for their favorite teams to actually notice the Falcons exist without the Samuel L. Jackson screaming, "Rise Up" in their face on a Sunday morning.
2. When Matt Ryan was selected to be the first and only true franchise QB in Falcons history, there were nearly race riots all over Atlanta. Keep in mind, Vick was serving a prison sentence for ruthlessly murdering dogs... and there were still Vick fans who thought it was ok and that Vick should return to the team after his prison sentence! Why? Because he makes "sick moves and gets on highlight reels".
3. The Falcons once gave a career .500 QB $120+ million dollars to be the primary puppy killer on teams coached by Jim Mora and Bobby Petrino. The same guy who brought a water bottle bong onto an airplane.
4. We let Joey Harrington be the face of the post-vick Falcons for one season.
5. Pat Yasinskas of ESPN has spent the last three years exploiting the promise of Harry Douglas. Well, when given his one big opportunity to become a Falcons legend, Harry Douglas falls down on a freaking wheel route with no one on him and a clear path to the end zone for the lead and in all likelihood a SB birth. Everyone keeps saying, "Err we were 10 yards away from a Super Bowl". False, we were one professional athlete who gets paid to be athletic and not fall down on a play that is run to perfection by seven-year-olds away from going to the Super Bowl.
6. We have the all-time best red zone tight end in history and on the aforementioned "10 yards away play" he literally stands by himself in the endzone while Matt Ryan jams it into Roddy White.

Dave:

The good thing about Osi is that he fits perfectly into the space of "former incredible DL player who now gets hurt all the time but when he's healthy makes you think Holy he's awesome" spot vacated by the corpse of John Abraham.
The defense will still give up 30 ppg in the playoffs and the media will still crucify Matt Ryan for being unable to win in the postseason. Yeah, too bad he couldn't cover the Seahawks TE and Vernon Davis who combined for something like 975 yards and 13 touchdowns in the playoffs against Atlanta. I'd much prefer to go 4-12 and blow out Cam Newton's ACL than 12-4 and get curb stomped by Seattle in January.

Also, the Smith family can die in a herpes tornado.

PS, when Morton Andersen booted the Falcons into the Super Bowl over your beloved Vikings I was 22 years old and wept tears of joy.

[symple19]

Atlanta has, hands down, the worst fans in America

[Chief Brody]

Atlanta has, hands down, the worst fans in America

It's just a coincidence that Atlanta is also the capital of black middle-class America

[Chinook]

Wasted opportunity for them not to mention Ryan's anti-clutch performances. You'd think Smith were running on the field and forcing Matt to make all those turnovers.

[DUNCANownsKOBE]

I love how the guy is calling out owners for getting public money, but he should be calling out the corrupt city officials who give it away.