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Baguars.
Your 2013 record: 4-12, but with a scorching hot 4-4 finish, people. MOMENTUM. Combined record for the Jags over the past three years: 11-37. The Jaguars also had the worst point differential in football last season, making them the token team I use for any and all "could the best college team beat the tiest NFL team?" hypotheticals. Could Florida State beat the Jaguars? SURE. Why not? Who gives a at this point, really?
I know the Texans had a worse record last season, but that felt like some kind of tragic accident. When the Jaguars are ty, they put intense preparation and care into it. Their tiness is the residue of design.Your quarterback: AAC mack daddy Blake Bortles. Yes, while the rest of the NFL carefully deduced that this year's QB crop was wildly overvalued, the Jaguars struck a courageous blow for irrational exuberance and reached desperately for Bortles at No. 3. Why draft Bortles so high? Well, because he looks like a quarterback, doesn't he? He's so tall! And white! And … uh … tall! He's like Warren G. Harding in quarterback form.
Anyway, you can hardly blame the Jaguars for throwing themselves on the first quarterback to walk into the bar. They just spent three years with Yo Gabba Gabbert. Spend that much time with Gabbert and you'll hump the first guy on the street who's over six feet tall and can complete a 15-yard out route. Bortles isn't Gabbert! By order of natural law, ANYTHING NOT GABBERT MUST BE BETTER THAN GABBERT.
By the way, Bortles is not technically the starter yet (partially because he might suck at, like, throwing!). That honor goes to plug-'n'-play button-masher Chad Henne:
"It's Chad," coach Gus Bradley said emphatically after the team's first practice last week. "We feel really good about him."
Sure you do, fella. Sure you do. I like the "emphatically" there. I want my coach 100 percent behind Chad Henne or not at all. NFL teams always do this. They draft someone high, and then they make a big show of declaring the dip journeyman who's already there to be the "firmly entrenched" starter, so that the coach can create some kind of illusion of being compe ive right now. Then the rookie takes over in Week 3 and the process of going 4-12 is complete. Does it really help Bortles to go through all this nonsense? "You're gonna be a star here, kid. But first, you must defeat HENNE. If you can beat out Henne, you can beat out the world!" Don't patronize us, Jaguars.What's new that sucks: Gone are the days when you drafted Maurice Jones-Drew in your fantasy league and prayed that he cobble together 1,200 yards and 10 touchdowns using little more than a discarded fountain pen and some baling wire. MJD is gone and bell-cow duties have been turned over to … Toby Gerhart? AHAHAHAHA ARE YOU ING JOKING? You could compile a fumble reel of Gerhart that would last longer than shooting schedule for Boyhood. Gerhart is the kind of back who will fumble, pick up the fumble, and then fumble that fumble again. He's a fumbling master. In one game, I saw him fumble three times in a single quarter. So have fun with that, Jacksonville. Toby Gerhart. Christ.http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-su...ars-1616275574What has always sucked: As always, it is an exercise in existential pretzel-knotting to summon any kind of feeling about the Jaguars. Apart from Bortles coming on board and the two second-round wideouts the team drafted to help him out, not much has changed with this team from a season ago. It's still owned by an Indiana Jones villain. Justin Blackmon is still suspended forever. Paul Pusluzynyzyewskizyzzyzzaxxon is still around to hurt himself. Luke Joeckel will probably get hurt just before we're all ready to officially declare him a bust. The team still sucks at drafting. Even Marcedes Lewis is still on the team because the Jaguars signed him to the worst contract ever gifted to a tight end. The new helmets still look like an alien's receding hairline. The most noticeable difference is that we have now learned that playing for the Jags will give you a stroke. As of right now, the Jaguars' main goal is to reach the competence level of the Falcons, which is so, so sad.
This city's only purpose is to stage the Georgia-Florida game. It is a temporary fairground that people decided to live in for some reason. But it COULD have a decent NFL team if the Jaguars ever managed to get their together, which will probably never happen. They are installing swimming pools at the stadium, which is the universal signal for "we know you're not here to watch the game." At some point, the Jags will be forced to play in the parking lot while the team sets up a miniature Ferris Wheel on the main field to get people to show up.
so true
