Spurs sign Zzuultron!!

**JeffDuncan** · 07-13-2015

The San Antonio Spurs announced today that they have signed free agent defensive specialist Zzuultron of the outer galactic planet Flug'flup12.

Zzuultron last played for team Supernova in the Great Nebula league. Unfortunately, the team name, Supernova, proved tragically prophetic during last year's playoffs, when star NGC1313X went supernova, interrupting the tournament, and vaporizing 90 percent of the planets in the league.

Zzuultron, one of the few survivors, then declared his eligibility for the NBA draft. NBA scouts were skeptical of his ability to transition to the NBA, because he is slow and clumsy, and he has no ability to dribble, shoot, rebound, or handle the ball in any way. However, they were all impressed by Zzuultron's 39.5 foot wingspan. That is his actual wingspan, literally, Zzuultron has wings.

The Dallas Mavericks were rumored to also be interested in Zzuultron. Chris Broussard posted via Twitter that Mavericks owner Mark Cuban spent all weekend flying around the solar system in an effort to find the cave where Zzuultron lurks. Cuban was not able to find Zzuultron, and none of his phone calls were returned.

In the meantime, the Spurs, who have always led the way with foreign players, and alien ones, sent a delegation to Zzuultron's lair to negotiate with him. After about two hours of discussion, and video games, and several bushels of breakfast tacos, Zzuultron inked a two year deal, with a third year team option.

Zzuultron's contract will not count at all against the Spur's salary cap. Zzuultron does not use money, so he has agreed to be paid in tortillas.

The Spurs say they will not start Zzuultron, but will probably use him in special situations where half-court defense is important. By spreading his wings and flapping them, Zzuultron can completely cover about 53 percent of the court.

The Spurs will have their work cut out for them when it comes to developing Zzuultron's offensive skills. Zzuultron has no hands or arms, or even tentacles. He only has wings.

Spurs shooting coach Chip Engelland said that Zzuultron should be able to shoot by using the tips of his wings to flip the ball toward the goal. Engelland said that even if Zzuultron can't grasp the ball, he can be taught to shoot a higher free throw percentage than DeAndre Jordan.

Shortly after his signing, Zzuultron tweeted that he is very pleased to be joining the Spurs, and that he was especially happy to be on the same team as Tim Duncan. Zzuultron said that it is well known throughout the galaxy that Duncan is "the greatest team leader in the universe."