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A grade school teacher in Las Milpas asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Maria put up her hand up and said, "My family went to my abuelito's farm, and we all saw his pet cabrito. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Enriqueta shyly raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see las pyramids and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Enriqueta, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Pepito raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Pepito before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Pepito said, "My Tia Ninfa has a sweater with ten buttons, but her chiches are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher cried.
Money ... It can buy you a House, But not a Home ....
It can buy you a Bed, But not Sleep.
It can buy you a Clock, But not Time.
It can buy you a Book, But not Knowledge.
It can buy you a Position, But not Respect.
It can buy you Medicine, But not Health.
It can buy you Blood, But not Life.
It can buy you Sex, But not Love.
So you see, money isn't everything. The best things in life can't be bought, and often we destroy ourselves trying! I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your needless pain and suffering... So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. A truer Friend than me you will never find.
Cash Only, Please!
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decid ed to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"
One man say to other man: "Hey mister, why is your wife... she is so sad?"
He answered: "Because my wife, she like apples!"
Last edited by themvp; 06-06-2006 at 07:44 AM.
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A guy gets invited to a costume party but doesn't know what to wear. Finally he thinks of something and goes.
When he gets to the place, the host opens the door and sees him not wearing a shirt or socks or shoes.
He ask the guy, "What the are you supposed to be?"
The guy says, "A premature ejaculation. I just came in my pants!"
A guy goes in for his yearly physical and the doctors run a few tests. Later that week he gets a call from his doctor, who says, "I've got bad news and worse news."
The says, "What's the bad news?"
"According to the lab report you only have 24 hours to live."
"What could possibly be worse news than that?"
"They came back yesterday and I forgot to call you."
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?" I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her.
Subject: Dear John
The ultimate response to a Dear John letter...
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girl friend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
God Bless America
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in the southwest, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster
named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that y and, besides, they told! me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent: Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy smoke! What the he!! is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous! Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t- faced from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no e. Disappointing.
Judge! # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this! nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher . I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good ! balance of es and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway.If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but y enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
"Every year the boulder is moved aside
so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there
will be six more weeks of winter."
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leo s on, the class was over.
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, and new knees. Fought prostate I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leo s on, the class was over.
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license!
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart. "Walmart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Walmart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memories not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
NAME______________________________________________
GANG/CREW NAME______________ Crib _________________FEMA Trailer____________________
1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of
every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many
drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?
2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for
$320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of
the rest of his hold?
3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks
per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Darius wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to
make 20% profits. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain
the 20% profit?
5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette and
$100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many
more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?
6. LeRoy got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his
common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much
money will be left when he gets out?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the
average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3
eight-ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his
gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?
9. LaSheena Miller is a lookout for the gang. LaSheena also has a Boa
Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If
LaSheena makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed he
Boa on one week's income?
10. Marvin steals Joe's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph Joe
loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how
far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked ?
11. Big Lou is studying gardening at Warren Easton on Canal. He planted 80 plants of monster weed on the roof. His friends will
likely steal 20 percent of the crop. How many plants must be hide in another location to secure he bags 12 kilos if each plant makes 16 one ounce bags?
12. Theo and Maddog will robb the frost-top near Broad Street. They will torch a car in the parking lot to divert the attention which gives them a 15% better chance of success. Theo's brother works in the kitchen and is in the deal for 20%, and is the father of the cashier's Albino baby who also will get 10 %. If Theo robs the cashier and Maddog blows the car up, what is the percentage of the loot that stays in Theo's family ?
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big s.
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"
And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, whichcame in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him onemore time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time!
I'm putting on my shoes!"
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In an attempt to thwart the worldwide spread of bird flu, American
President George W. Bush has ordered the shockandawement of the Canary Islands.
Turkey is next.
Classic Playboy:
"Our unabashed dictionary defines vagina as a box a penis s in."
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